Isn't it funny how when your parent comes to live with you all your friends scatter.

195Austin, it wasn't about time or energy. I generally don't have either one, but sanity demanded I go to a local support group and so I did. There are several volunteer groups that will sit with your parent so you can go do things like this. It's once a month but it means a lot. Plus the local VNA (well, one of them) has a volunteer who will call you or let you call to keep you in contact with someone who understands. Then, there is this forum. Are you not connecting with people here? I did not say these were deep relationships, merely ones that exist. Time is definitely not something I have in abundance but I am doing my best to look for things - such as the support group. Anyway, what's wrong with support group friendships. That's what I was trying to emphasize. Yes, I am lucky that I can email my distant friends. But I don't actually get to see them more than once at most in the last 6 years. It's not a lot but it isn't abandonment either.

Everything takes energy. Be resigned to the fact that you won't have much of a social life - maybe not any. Kind of like grad school, actually. To get out of the trap of isolation we must seek respite we might not otherwise utilize. Of course it's sometimes going to be next to impossible. I have this experience myself. This is where support groups come in. Call your area agency on aging, your local Alzheimers Association. Seek out the help I am telling you is there.

If you're looking for the kind of socializing you had before, you will be disappointed. Look for an alternative.

PCVS I am glad you have been able to make connections with others but most caregivers do not have the energy or time to develope friendships apart from caregiving.

It doesn't have to follow. A lot depends on circumstances. We always had at least one grandparent live with us and that didn't change how my parents related to their friends. As for me in my circumstance with my mother, I moved from Maryland to Connecticut and had to leave my friends behind. We still exchange emails occasionally even if visiting is not generally viable. Although, one couple who are among my very best friends had to pass through CT and we did get together (and go hiking at Sleeping Giant!) a couple years ago. On the other hand, by going to a support group once a month I am making connections with people in similar circumstances and as they support me emotionally I am able to support them the same way.

Manohardy's daughter I admire you so much for sharing these stories about you father and I so hope you will stick around our little group-this is amazing to me that you want to share his life with us-there is so much that we do not understand about how our brains work and I am fascinated about what you have shared with us who got a glimpse of you Dad.

Hi Ruth: You are not off-topic. I am so taken with the story of your father and his mind. There is a book called, "My Stroke of Insight" which describes some amazing things that happened to the author. She had a left brain hemorrhagic stroke. Her perception of things changed dramatically when she had to depend on her right brain. You may know about her, she was a neuro specialist, Harvard grad and really brilliant. Goggle the name of the book and you'll see a great deal on line about her.

After your dad passed, was it your decision that his brain not be studied? I think your dad because part of the universe, open to a source of thoughts and intelligence that we are all connected to, but don't experience.

I love hearing you talk about him. Sending you love, Cattails

thank you Ladee-yes-I have all of dads circles and he put you in one of them which was very rare. I am not exactly sure but his Psychologist thinks that the circles were his way of not getting lost inside the maze that was his brain. He always wrote the word me and placed it in the middle-. He had pictures and stick notes to remind him what he did yesterday. In a way they were him memories. Adding someone to his circle was a very important connection and must have made him feel secure because the circle was his world. Bocelli and Laura Pausini whom he met were also in his circle. You are not the only person to feel that Other Wordly phenomena. His Neurologists were mortified when I refused to let them have his brain. Meno wrote to his therapist about a month before he passed and said:. You and I have tension between us. The articulation of that tension, or my effort to dispel it, through the initiative as a therapist, has an effect that is not adequately described merely as "insight." Such an articulation, or "raising of consciousness," of a previously unarticulated feeling or aim changes the person who experiences it. It changes the persons experience of himself. Indeed, it changes his relation to himself in a specific way. I choose to put my fragmented self into a circle because I am not quite ready to leave this world. Much like you choose to wear shoes but kick them off as soon as you are home. What was experienced as pressure is now experienced as purpose. Inside my circle I am conscious. I become, at least momentarily, more purposeful. That is to say, I become more completely integrated. Without my circle I will scatter and diffuses to the heavens.
Meno believed that he was going somewhere. The same Neurologist who said he would regress to a vegatative state could not explain how he used his brain to flip switches that allowed him to delay that process. Dad believed that all persons regardless of their state need only find their circle to claw their way out of the maze and yet he also experienced what the alzheimer patient experiences and although it seems horrible to us he said it really isn't. He said it is peaceful and there were many times when he would not do anything but moan or rock and make odd sounds that quite frankly made me think he was suffering and drove me up the wall. Once I realized he was not suffering my tension went away and I actually found his strange mantra soothing. I stopped worrying and fighting it and he gave off an almost supernatural transference. His Psychologists felt it, his doctors felt it and his brainwaves showed he was in a meditative not vegetative state. Sorry-I am off topic. Ruth

What I said earlier, it may seem trivial and unnecessary. Could be seen as a slap in the face by some even. It's not. I swear, I wish each and every one of you to find this song and just listen to it once. If you don't agree then so be it, but this song says so much and I can't help but feel so much lighter when I hear it. I only want to spread that happiness to others that I feel could use it. It's not much, but it's something. hugs.

Ruth, thank you for sharing more about your dad MenoHardy.... this man touched me in a very deep place, there was a 'connection' I can not explain.... it was like I "knew" him and after you sharing all the wonderful things he was able to do.... I know I was touched by an angel... and I don't mean to sound sophmoric here either..... If anything is ever published about your dad, would you please let us know..... we didn't get to have much time with him.... and at one point I posted to him and made a typo, or left a word out of my post... I was so upset that you felt I would ever intenionally hurt him.... he fascinated me.... and one day he posted on my wall and told me he put me in his cirlce that morning..... You were very blessed to have him.... and thank you for sharing him with us.... I miss him more than words can express.... it almost feels "other worldly", I don't know how else to explain it..... hugs to you Ruth.... we are honored that you are still sharing about him... we are here for you too.... hugs across the miles to you....

Hi Ruth: I love cattails too. We have then on our pond and the red winged black birds make their home there. Thus the name.

I know you miss your dad. It couldn't be otherwise. He was so young and your mom too. I understand what you are examining, that aging may not need to be so progressive and can be slowed down. They're working on it, but aside from what we eat, we have to live in the environment at hand.

Don't for get to live in the moment, Ruth. So often it's all we have.

Sending you love and comfort, Cattails

why thank you cattails-I love cattails by the way-enjoy polyurethaning them and using them in floral arrangements. I've been burning the midnight oil and feling the emptiness since my dad passed. Still trying to make sense of why we age and why we are not kind to our bodies-a almost perfect machine and we feed it all the wrong foods and beverages.. In theory there is no reason why we should age so early. We are one of several mammals that should live for hundreds of years. I am just a bit confused. Could stress play a role? Loss of loved ones and friends-social stresses?

Ruth: your comments are so meaningful. Thank you for sharing. Love, Cattails.

Littletonway, you still have friends that are willing to meet you for anything? Yeah, I'll say it, I'm jealous.

Victoria~Good for you in letting your "Friend" know that you are a person who doesn't need the slight "Hello, how are you, been a while but I'm thinking about you bull".

PegPeg, I never took offense to what you said about a trained Psychologist who has made it his life long career helping people to become aware; to become cognizant. Passive aggression is a manifestation of negative thinking. It can only lead to further aggravation and neurotic behavior. He teaches us to practice inner affirmations giving yourself permission to adopt new ideas.. Say to yourself. "I will keep an open mind," " I refuse to judge anyone or any idea," " I am open to infinite numbers of possibilities that are presently available to me." "Just because I can't see it, or fully understand it, does not mean it is nonexistent." "Today I will suspend my disbelief and be open to anything possible for me." "I will act on my new openness rather than my old skepticism."
Keep one little corner of your mind open t miracle making.
Investigate the lives of others who have experienced miracles. Know this is possible for you too. Talk to your friends and new acquaintances and ask them if they have ever experienced that which you would consider a miracle. Read books and articles about people who have had these kinds of experiences. By allowing yourself to be receptive to these stories and experiences, you will open your mind to those very possibilities for yourself. Then just maybe "You" will find it possible to S,ile/ Ruth

LOL! We have our own little "village" 'fest. My daughter ran down to the store earlier. She ran into someone that is suppose to be a friend of mine. The "friend" says to my daughter, "I'm going to the "---fest" tonight, let your mom know." My daughter came home and told me. I haven't talked with this friend since the last time I was in the store and when we talked, it was all about her daughter and nothing of what was going on in my life. I texted her and asked, "Not going tonight, you going tomorrow?" She didn't respond. Two hours later, I then texted her again and said, "You know what? Nevermind, if you hadn't seen (my daugher) tonight you never would have thought of me anyway."
She textes back shortly after, "Yes." (finally responding to the text I had sent 2 hours previous) then "What are you saying?" It took me at least an hour to come up in a response to that, that wasn't chuck full of f'n anger. Then I said, "What I'm saying is that everyone has forgotten me. No one remembers that I even exist unless I hand them a reminder. Like tonight, my daughter coming into the store. Would you have remembered to clue me in your plans tonight if she hadn't come into the store?"
It's been 15 minutes, she has yet to respond. Maybe she will, but I highly doubt it...

Dear only1of3 and menohardy, Thank you for your kind words.

I have a problem with a psychologist saying to someone who is in pain "We hang onto negativity, because if we let go of it, we have nothing to replace it with" I just find that statement so false and not the thing to say to someone who is in pain. There is so much to be thankful for in life, Yes things can get negative, but it is how you let it affect you that counts. Breath deep count to ten. Ying and Yang can not exist with out each other.

Menohardy, that is what I meant saying the psychologist was full of it. Sorry you took ofense to it. I hope you continue to get what you need from him. SMILE!

Only1of3
Good to hear you heard from a old friend. Surprize visits are the best! Have a great day!

PegPeg, I do understand your take on psychiatry; just guessing with your responsibilities toward a disabled child, probably your take on the health care profession in general. I wish we all had access to good support, but, unfortunately, that isn't the case for everyone. And when you have no help at home, either, no time and limited funds, after awhile, paying money to talk it out to someone who just doesn't care just isn't feasable. Been there, done that. Sometimes what I think I've needed the most is for someone to put me into a hard hat and give me a sledge hammer and a brick wall that needs to be smashed to smithereens, and let me scream and curse all that stress away, sometimes daily. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you today.

The first NH my father was placed in wasn't very accommodating to Alzheimer's patients. They had an Alzheimer's unit but not the experience. They ran a tight schedule and were very forceful in enforcing that they stay on schedule. My father didn't fit in with that especially in the mornings. He didn't like being rushed out of bed and showered. They medicated him. Within 6 months we had him transferred locally to a NH home that had more experience with Alzheimer's patients and while they also had to stick to a schedule, they were more relaxed and had a different approach with my dad. They weren't so good about keeping up oral hygiene but when it came to bed soars they were on it immediately to clear them up. Apparently oral hygiene isn't something they consider as part of the care they provide.Make sure you check out that info before hand so you know whether you are going to need to participate in that on going care for your loved one.

Dad has passed away-I said his I.Q increased in some areas. Menohardy was my dad-I am Ruth, his daughter and former caretaker. He was only 63 and suffered damage to nearly two thirds of his brain rendering him all but a vegetable but the undamaged parts of his brain were regenerating in the parts of the brain we mostly do not use. This is why his doctors wanted to study his brain post mortem-they are analyzing data and said it will take years before they understand how-like the tongue which cannot scar dads brain was able to repair itself and find new channels. His damage left him with uncanny abilities to play almost any wind instrument as well as or better than a professional-from tone. He also could mimic voices-birds, cars-just about anything. It was very odd and sometimes spooky. He could read three languages. We or the doctors were amazed and just uncovering these abilities. Just as we can unscramble words and read them he was able to do this in written language. We only use a small portions of a large brain-what are the portions of the brain we do not use doing? Storing data, thinking above the level of our conscious state-somehow he was bringing the unconscious to the conscious. It took pictures or written words to "turn him on." They were doing EEGs with numerous leads. The parts of his brain that should have been quiet were all but. They have no idea what he was doing or thiking mentally but they were active 24 hours a day. Much like a dolphin a portion of his brain was always awake while the other portion slept. One doctor said he was constantly moving betweent one state of consciousness and the next-the state of mind musicians and mathematicians use-artists, savants. One day he was studying my sons ant farm and he said-ants do not know they are individuals-ants act in unison with their colony. If one ant dies the information is passed to the Queen and she produces an extra ant to replace the one that is lost to fill in the gap. He once told us that rocks can think but not in the sense that we think. Rocks do not feel pain but they do have a form of consciousness. Another time he walked up to our television that has a sensor that turns off and on by human touch-animal touch. He took his shoe and touched the sensor and nothing happened-he took a small sutting from a rose bush and touched the sensor and the television turned off-see-it is alive! He said plants also have a form of consciousness and they have emotions that are passive but more complex than our own. They did a blind study on meno using objects-a rock that was man made but felt exactly like a rock and flowers that felt and even smelled real-he could feel these items and picked out the natural ones from the artificial-every time. Water out of the tap hurt meno. He would cry and whelp up-his doctors used rain water and distilled water and softened water-he could tell the difference. Meno could not be around baloons-they moved toward him and would break on contact. Sorry I am not a good speller.
Children adored him but he was frightening to adults because he always smiled-his face was frozen in a strange smile-it was creepy to anyone who didn't know him. Finally to stop talking about him when there are so many who have living parents and children suffering I just want to conclude by saying to touch or be touched by meno was odd-the hair would stand up and you could feel a kind of warmth like there was a field of energy between your skin and his-oh-cell phones would be dead and Meno could make them work by holding them for a few seconds. We were bombarded by the university to let them study him but I said never-unless it was to help him. My brother has now taken my side but he saw dollar signs at first and was disgusted that I didn't go public and I think this was why he was so angry.

Funny how when a person puts a thought out into the universe, it can come back with such a blessing. Yesterday a friend called who I hadn't heard from in months. I thought of her often this week. I knew SHE was busy with a lovely new grandbaby & taking care of her elderly inlaws. And here she was thinking of me. We had such a lovely visit and promised to stay in touch. Thanks, God!

Wow Menohardy! Your dad sounds like an amazing man and I've never heard of someone increasing their IQ as they get more dementia. My dad had terrible wounds on both feet inflicted by a podiatrist who accidentally knicked him. He had diabetes and was in a home for 6 weeks. My mom and I weren't pleased at all with the NH so I convinced my mother to take him out and bring him to my home. We did and he passed away six weeks later. I did all the overnight caretaking because he had dementia, but home health came in and really did a beautiful job. Just enough support to keep me going. I think there is a real ministry needed in nursing homes. My dad cried at having to be there and I know there are others who don't have family who are able to take them out. The homes seem to load them up with drugs which is unfortunate too. I'd stay on them about that bed sore though. If he's a diabetic it could be super serious. Such a neat guy with such a neat kid! What a blessing you are!

RachelDevin-you are not abandoned or alone. Often the world seems cold and dreary. When I am in desolation of spirit, when all who are dear to me have passed away or passed me by like summer flowers and none are left to love me and care for me, whisper to my troubled soul that there is one friend who dies not-one whose love never changes. When sorrows thicken and crush me with their burden, when I look in vain for comfort, let me remember that this too shall pass. When I am crushed and weary, when the hope I have lived for is gone, when sorrows make my soul sink almost unto death, when I look in vain for someone to understand me, one who will enter into my miseries, make me then remember that I am not alone after all. There are tens of thousands who are just like me. You are only being tested and this too shall pass. What may seem to go on forever is but one tick of the clock. Sometimes we need a break. When is the last time you called up a friend and just went out for a day? Sometimes it is important for our health that we get sunlight. Have you spoken to your brothr? You need to. Sometimes all it takes is a few words. When your friends come over to visit join with your mother -include her in your conversartions

Ruth it is so great that you are sharing things about you Dad with all of us-he may have had a glimps of heaven-God works in mysterious way-it is not meant for us to understand everything about him while we are in the world-when I worked as a nurse many people who were in the pricess of passing reached up their hands into the air as if they were trying to connect with something or someone that we were unable to see and they were reaching for it with all the strength they had at the time.

I opened my mail from AgingCare.com today and knew that once again I was in the right place. I so identify with everyone here. I wish I didn’t feel like my friends and family have abandoned me; I wish I were strong like the person who wrote that our friends haven’t changed, we have. But sadly that’s not the case. I do feel abandoned. I am sad when the phone doesn’t ring and sadder still that most of what I have to say revolves around my caring for my 90 year old mother and my 95 year old father before that. I am tired, so very, very tired.

My brother lives 3,000 miles away and doesn’t want to act as part-time caregiver when he visits. My friends look “around” my mother when they see her. Isn’t that how too many treat the elderly? It is so, so sad. There is a person inside my mother, a mother herself, who had dreams and did things and wants a drop of attention, wants someone to say hello, but people look away. Maybe these people weren’t friends after all.

I don’t know what I wanted for my retirement. I didn’t have time to dream those dreams and didn’t plan accordingly. Now I have a role, one sometimes I accept with love and one, sometimes I accept sadly.

Here is where I come for strength, for a hug from people who truly understand what it is like to be where we are at this stage of life, who understand why we made the choices we have made and how strenuous it can be from day to day.

But even knowing this, today I am sad and I do feel abandoned.

What a wonderful laid back forum this is-we are all strangers and I believe the thread is about how friends and loved ones scatter but here-right now we are socializing. We share a common thread-yes Careful and Sharymarie-Music does set a mood. Funny-a few months ago I was taking dad to see his psychologist and they play the saddest songs! I was in tears myself and looked around to see I wasn't the only one. It is a plot I thought to myself-What a better way to find out who is depressed! Ha,ha. I told this to menos psychologist and he said or....to see who is paranoid! We laughed. I often felt I was the one being counseled. Lord knows I need it. Obviously since I am intending to start a Care Attendant business I have much to learn and what a better place to start than with this forum. I truly believe Care Givers are as important or more so than the nurses. We are there during the highs and lows In alot of ways I think Care Attendants are looked down on. One time I saw a group of nurses gabbing and I was tending to my dad and I said something like-gee-maybe I could get a job here and she looked at me funny and said-yeah-we could use somebody to handle our Code Browns! At the time I didn't know what that meant but I do now. Do any of you feel that way? That you know nurses could be doing things but in the hospital at least pass it on to the family members to empty bed pans, run errands, get ice, pillows-snacks and so on? What do the people who have no one do? Those are the ones I want to help. The people who have no one to help them . The hospice that is taking care of my friend charges 23 hundred dollars a month. They do not do much. There home is filled to capacity 8 souls. The patients have a bed, a recliner and are allowed a few pictures. The 3 care attendants cannot do anything but feed, dress and undress, put them to bed and in the morning get them out of bed, wash them with a cloth, soap and water-help brush their teeth or dentures and thats about it. My friend has a catheter bag that lays on the floor. Everytime I visit I have to look for his glasses-usually lost in the bed covers and he can't see to watch television and I don't think he even cares. It is sad. He has a bed sore on his foot and I said can I bring some ointment or a sheepskin? No-the doctors strictly forbid us to dress wounds-all we can do is tell them and they seldom do anything. Is this the way it is? In your experiences. Wouldn't it be easier and better to pay someone in the family to take better care of them? I have dogs and if they get a sore I doctor it and if it doesn't get better I take them to the vet. Why are humans treated differently?

Ruth~Thank you for sharing the information about your father. I had just started reading the thread he posted on before he passed away and I was so very touched by his words. He had such insight which opened my eyes more to the world of those with memory and cognitive health issues. I am sorry for your loss as the love between the two of you is so strongly bonded♥!

Careful~Music is a great mood lifter!! I only work 24 hours a week right now but on my days off I play music a lot. I find I can get house work done easier ( have chronic low back and leg pains) with music as it is motivating. Yes, this site is wonderful for connecting with other people. I am not caring for my mother 24/7 like so many of you are and I understand that working is not an option for everyone. In my case I have to work for financial reasons. Fortunately I have a wonderful, supportive husband, however, it is not the same as spending time with the girls and I miss that. Enjoy your music!!

I was really down the other day and I put my favorite music on and I started to feel better. I come on here and write and that gives me an outlet for all of my feelings. I had a good day today. Thanks you guys for all of the sharing on this site. You are all very dear people.

Laughter is good medicine. My family would sit around the breakfast table discussing our dreams. My dad who was functioning on less than half a brain could remember his dreams and in his dreams he dreamd he was a comedian... alot-. He was as the doctors described it using parts of the brain that most people do not normally use. Also he misplaced things very often and he could go to sleep and in his dreams the where abouts of the items he lost would come to him, He never played a musical instrument and one morning my son had a recorder and dad picked it up and started playing by ear tunes so we got him an indian flutte and in a matter of hours he was playing it like a professional. This was astonishing to his neurologist who said he was just above the level of a 3rd grader. Then his I Q changed and before he passed it was at borderline genius level in many areas. They wanted to study his brain post mortem but we refused. Dad played Amazing Grace at our church every Sunday. The Indian Flute is limited in range because of the primitive aspect bet he could play sophisticated tunes like Rocky Mountain High and we have not been able to find professionals who can duplicate. His Psychologist labeled him a transient savant.. He could look at a picture of something we did the day before and have perfect recollection but take the picture away and he forgot immediately. It was a little spooky because he often talked about a place where he was going that had a lion with a golden mane and there were fields of wheat and no one was hungry or sad and there were people dressed in shining robes who sat on the hils singing Hosannah to the Highest and there was a humming sound that brought the most exquisite feelings of peace and tranquility and in the center of all this was a bright object that sent out rays of glolen light. I like to think he was describing heaven but his doctors said it was simply portions of his brain firing endorphines-like lighting up certain cells on a circuit board and thankfully his hallucinations were not frightening ones. I so want to believe God was showing him where he was about to go. I suppose there is only one way to find out and we will all do that some day. Sorry if I am getting off topic. I will conclude by saying that Meno-my dad, always smiled. His face was frozen in a smile and he would sit for hours smiling and he looked like he was watching something that we cannot or could not see. People who saw trhis thought well, he is crazy. But his Psychiatrist never labeled him as Schizophrenic. On his paper work besides medical reasons it reads other-Unknown. Well, I'll close for now. Ruth.

My mother lives alone and can still primarily take care of herself. Sis and I reported her to DMV because we don't think she should be driving any longer (Alzheimer's). My brother is in bad health but even if his health was good, he would not help physically with mother.He is emotionally supportive though and I can accept that much from him. He does visit on birthdays, Christmas, etc. and has always done so. My sister lives 45 min. away and she also is in bad health. I may be wrong but I think people for the most part just don't know how to respond to these situations. I see it on their face that they have compassion and maybe they think I am in too much pain emotionally so they don't say much. Of course there are those who have no idea what it is to care for aging parents for whatever the reasons. We all want to be around people who are fun but sometimes we caregivers don't have that to give. People we thought were our friends abandon us very quickly when we don't respond a certain way or just because. Some days are easy some not so much and my heart goes out to all of you. We can find things to do that make us feel less lonely. It helps me going to work because I can forget about it for awhile and laugh with my co-workers about other things, teasing each other, etc. I also have to laugh at my mother (not directly) for instance, late last autumn she lost her eye glasses. After a couple week she ordered another pair. About 2 months later she found the glasses in the rose bushes!! I have to laugh or I'd go insane. Laughter lightens the load so much. Enjoy the day everyone!

I love it desertrat5555-exactly a sane description of a labor of love and caring responsibility. We can only do what we can do and after all is said and done you can go to sleep at night with the knowledge that you did what God or conscience moved you to do. Paula 1258, I share your loss and grief. You too did all you could do and the time will come when you are invited into the house of The Lord.
My brother is now regretful for burying his head in the sand and I told him to stop beating himself up. Friends are now calling and saying they wish they could have done more or I'm sorry for not being more considerate. I tell them please, I had no time and I understand that I wasn't as solid a friend as I could have been but my family comes first and so everything is coming back to normal. I cannot hold a grudge because some people are too into themselves or simply cannot cope with old age. Our Society is geared to the young and healthy in one sense but thrives off the ill and elderly in another; monetarily. Yes, I could have put dad in a home and maybe he would have even rec'd better care-but I feel good that I did everything possible to not put him out of sight. I am a better person for taking care of him. I learned medical terminology, got a close up look at the disease of old age and that is what it is...a disease. Someday in the future there will be a cure-then what? Right now I have a friend in hospice after undergoing chemo and he had a stroke. A nurse comes in once a week and he sees a doctor every 3 mos. His wife lives 80 miles away and visits him once a month his brothers and sisters seldom ever visit him. He lays in a bed 10 hours and sits in a recliner the rest of the day watching television. He cannot speak but he can read flash cards-I brought them to him last night and for the first time in months he is communicating! Smiling. Now he can say if he is hungry or sick-My God-how easy was that? People-just because grandma stands in a corner mumbling something doesn't mean she is crazy-she may be confused. Find a way to reach her or him. Like my dad once said-we see and hear everything-we simply cannot communicate if you are not willing to try to understand.