Sometimes I wish that my parents could just be my parents again. Too much to ask I know, but me taking over as caregiver is like we are changing places in this world. And I just can't stand to see it in their eyes. It's as if panic has set in and we all aren't ready for it. How can we work through this and allow them to go through this next stage of life with dignity and not shame? I don't want our roles reversed. I just want my parents. Silly? Sure sounds it doesn't it?
Its good info about the oxygen. I didn't know that. Since I'm now heading into a stage where she needs oxygen therapy, I'll have to keep an eye out on her with the smoking and oxygen.
Unfortunately, I think many of us on this sight are probably children who have siblings who have basically allowed one child to take over the role and responsibilities of caregiver. I seem to see that a lot here. I have had people ask why I do what I do for my mother. The truth is, despite any family dynamic issues, I know her time is limited. She doesn't have a diagnosis limiting her time yet, but she can't have all these problems forever. Its been a slow progression over six years to get to this point, and while it could last many more, I don't think I'm looking at very many years. As much as I get frustrated with the demand on my time, finances, and energy, I know in the not very distant future, she won't be here. If I didn't help her, I know I would feel terrible. For me, its the right thing to do. Even if my sister won't help me. And Sargeant is right. Some children are not suited to being caregivers, or perhaps more so for their parents. My sister has been a caregiver, but she has no patience when it comes to our mother. And my mother requires A LOT of patience. I love her. But sometimes it is overwhelming and daunting thinking I have possibly ten or more years of this coming. It's scary. But the alternative is worse.
I didn’t like it either when my parents and I started to switch roles. When Dad died in Dec 2007, Mom bought a house and we became “roommates”. We sat down like two adult roommates and paid the bills together and we talked about what needed to be done around the house, etc.
In regards to your Mother smoking with the oxygen on…that is something she may not be able to stop by herself. In the 1970’s & 1980’s, patients could smoke in their hospital rooms and many a nurse would find a patient who could barely breathe sitting up in bed, a cigarette in their hand and the oxygen tubing dangling around their neck. Although oxygen itself is not flammable, it gets on the person’s skin, hair, and clothing thus creating an oxygen-rich environment that causes flammable (and even, non-flammable) items to burn faster and hotter.
Who is providing your mother with cigarettes, lighters, etc? Can she get them herself or do you need to bring them to her? Develop a Smoking Schedule during which you (or someone) help her take off her oxygen tubing, turn off the oxygen, make sure the ashtray is within reach and then, STAY WITH HER the entire time that she is smoking, and lastly, YOU dispose of the used cigarette safely. Slowly decrease the number of times and the number of cigarettes she smokes per day.
Do you have an outdoor patio (NOT a wooden balcony) where she can sit & smoke? (This is one way to follow HER RULE of: “if you smoke, smoke outside.”)
Has your doctor discussed with your mother about a “Smoking Cessation Program” or medications that could help your mother stop smoking. Nicotine patches, gum, inhaler and sprays may be used with these medications. HOWEVER, if your mother starts to take medication to help her stop smoking and she keeps on smoking, she has an increased risk of experiencing severe side effects because she might be getting double the nicotine.
Have her sign a “Non-smoking Contract”. You can find sample contracts at www.heart.org/HEARTORG/HealthyLiving/QuitSmoking/QuittingSmoking/Get-Ready-To-Quit-Smoking_UCM_307848_Article.jsp#.WuCr6MKou1s, www.smokeforwhat.com/quit-smoking-contract.php or www.interpersonalnet.com/quitforlife/contract.pdf along with many other websites.
It’s not easy becoming the “parent”, but we do so out of love and respect for our parents and because we want to keep them safe during the last years of their lives. Keep expressing your concerns and feelings to us. Good Luck and God Bless.
If not the role reversal will typically be as the decision maker for the parent's well being.
It is important not to treat them like children. Some dying patients remain sharp until the end.
I remember as we grew older, my mother introducing us to life's real facts, people die young, people become disabled young, you have children with special needs. These things happen and we need to develop strategies to deal with them that best suit our circumstances. My DW and I have lead our children on this same path of real life education.
My advice is to those struggling with care of elderly parents, introduce your children as they mature to these situations. Go out now and put together a plan for your own future needs. Yes, it will cost some money to put your affairs in good legal standing so that your children know what you want, and the plan you've put together for your own affairs. This can then roll down hill and the children of your children's children will perhaps not have the big struggle that our generations have faced. This is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children, and by bringing them in to the picture, perhaps they can take some of the heat off and help us with our challenges. Just a thought.
Essentially, I feel like I'm raising a 13 year old. I can't exactly ground her or take away her tech. I never yell at her. It wouldn't work on her anyways. But I also have to keep her safe. And when she does things that are clearly unsafe, I get very frustrated. That's when I feel like I've got a child. I try so hard not to condescend to her. But honestly, when she tries to sneak things by me, or lies to me (and I almost always catch her in the stupidest of lies), or she turns on the crying to make me feel sad for her so I'll give into to her requests, that's when it's hardest not to treat her like a pre-teen child. I just feel like a defeated parent. I have to really pick my battles. But honestly, its very hard. This dynamic is very trying. Even her doctors see it. The best I can do is just take it day by day and hope that someday I'll get my sanity and life back.
Remember the cycle of life and everyone has to go through it. There is talk of how we are born and lying in bed, then crawl, pushed in a stroller, then walk by holding on, then walk, then run, back to walking, then walking with a cane, then walker, then pushed in a wheelchair, then only can stay in bed, and then the final end of the circle, death. I know folks have a hard time watching loved ones go through this cycle of life. My question is: Would you rather them not go through the cycle? The alternative is an early death.
Look for the second childhood and make games of it, joke about it, welcome it as a part of our lives! They probably took care of their parents and now it is our turn.
Dcurnan, do you think it might help your feelings and your parents if you didn't do all the hands-on care personally? I'm sure there are many things you can do that won't infringe on their dignity, but feeling that the roles have switched completely can be overwhelming.
This is a difficult thing, so difficult. But love conquers all.
May God help each and everyone one of us through this part of the journey.
That guidance we received for 60 plus years is gone. We are the guidance.
I hear where you are coming from. I don't think any of us realize how fast the time has gone. And then all of a sudden our parents are getting older and then to a stage where they are the ones needing help. It's hard.
As the oldest, I've always felt like an mini adult even as a child. And it was still shocking to me to see my parents age and face their own health challenges. As much as I want to be younger and my parents too, this is the life.
I don't know if it would help to talk to a family therapist or join a support group to talk it out some more. Always know there are supports through the community and through church. Have that honest conversation with yourself and your parents about what you are and aren't willing to do.