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"polarbear,"

Ever since the pandemic and my mom nearly dying in April, I've been thinking a lot about getting all the necessary forms filled out even though I'm only 58 and my husband is 56. Especially, since my husband and I don't have any children and I have no siblings. He has two but, they are 5 and 12 years older than him and don't communicate with us unless there's a crisis so we're on our own.

So thank you for the info!
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On my mind lately is what to write in my Advance Directives. As I read various posts in this forum, I think to myself, what if I were in that situation, or had that condition, how would I like to proceed?

I don't wish to be a burden, a dead weight to my spouse and children. I don't want my kids to come to forums like this one asking questions like:

--How to entertain a blind 90 y.o.?
--How to change diaper for a combative mother?
--Alz. mother can't take care of herself, insists on living at home, what to do?
--Knee or hip surgery for an 85 yr.o. deaf, blind, and incontinent. Advice?

And many more questions, just as disturbing, burdensome, and revolting. To me, there is no dignity in being alive (not living) like that.

Death, I KNOW (not think or believe), is not the end, but a transition to a different state of being. So, in search of what to write in my Advance Directive, I came across this AC article with a sample Advance Directive list which I find very useful and seems like just what I am looking for. Thought I share the link to that article here.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/creating-vsed-advance-directive-dementia-179476.htm

Once I have this taken care of, I will feel relieved knowing things will be taken care of as I wish without overburdening my spouse and children. That will be my best gift to them.
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Need: You're very welcome.
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Worried: I am so sorry to hear about your father. Praying for him.
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Worried.....so glad your dad made it thru the treatment today! 😁
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worriedinCalif,
I was not aware your dad had cancer. So sorry to hear this.. My brother at the time of his diagnosis of bladder cancer was in his fifties and his surgeon got all the cancer. We were so worried but they can do so much today. He is closely monitored and has been cancer free for 4 years and doing very well. Hope your dad does well and praying for a healing. Please keep us updated. Hugs to you.
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Alva, I will try this again. Google roadkill as gourmet, you can find captain there.
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Cali,

Prostrate issues are very common in men so it’s understandable that you suspected it to be that.

My daddy had bladder cancer. He beat it.

Prostrate cancer is the most common cancer for men.

Later on daddy had his heart issues and his stroke. Still, he lived until he was 85. Mom has him beat by 10 years. She’s 95!
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Alva, I still talk to Cap. He is doing good yet still odd. He was asked but will not come back over censorship. If you want to get in touch, Google idk, gourmet cooking. He gets those old ladies worked up over gourmet roadkill. 🤢.
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Thank you Jodi & PolarBear!

I didn’t make a post about it. It has happened kind of fast, he was diagnosed in October after having blood in the urine & had surgery within 2-3 weeks after that. The blood in the urine is from the cancer believe, or irritation from the stent they put in his kidneys Chemo is so far so good. Turns out dad has bladder cancer (I thought it was prostate but the tumor is/was on the outside of the bladder). The chemo is injected in to the bladder and has to be held there for 2 hours! Dad has had frequent urination since his surgery in late October and didn’t think he could hold it 2 hours so we weren’t sure he would go through with the chemo but he did it! I timed it with a stopwatch and he made it an hour and 50 minutes! It’s a 40 minute drive to the VA & we went through the McDonald’s drive thru and picked up a drive-up order at Target AND got gas on the way back and he made it home without an accident! Woo-hoo! It’s been about 3 hours and no side effects yet.
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Bridger and Worried ,

Sending you prayers and Hugs!!
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WorriedInCA- I didn't know that your dad was dealing with cancer. This is the first time I read about it. The blood in urine sounds worrisome. But I'm glad he's getting chemo treatment. Wishing him and your family the best.
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Bridger,

The assisted living facility that I had considered for my mom was owned by a group of 20 people in the community.

It was assisted living but no memory care. No independent living either.

They had a couple efficiency units, but mostly one and two bedrooms, a full kitchen and laundry on every floor.

There was a guest suite for rent for families of residents. Out of town visitors used it frequently instead of renting a hotel.

It had a hair salon, lovely dining area, swimming pool, beautiful landscaping, walking paths, exercise room, game room with pool tables and card tables, library, shuttle service to doctor appointments, religious services in a chapel, arts and crafts, on and on and on.

I would live there in an apartment!

Another one that I toured was corporately owned. I heard that one changed throughout the years. It was independent, assisted living and memory care. They had activities but it wasn’t as personal as the independently owned facility.

There are many other facilities in all price ranges. But I had it narrowed down to two and really liked the privately owned one the best.

Some had Happy Hour with snacks! My parents never drank.

I do remember that my grandpa would have a cocktail at Christmas parties. That’s the only time I saw him drink.
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Cali,

Please keep us posted.
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Bridger,

I am thrilled for you to close the door on that chapter in your life.

I am a firm believer in changing our course in life if it becomes a burden to us or we simply aren’t fulfilled by it any longer.

You are truly wise to not make your life miserable by feeling as if you had to remain where you were.

I think it’s wonderful that you and your family moved on.

Enjoy your dad. He is so very blessed to have your family and it’s completely obvious how much you love caring for him.

Your dad means the world to all of you. Anyone can see that by reading your post about him.

He sounds like a very special man that raised a lovely daughter.

Congrats on the sale!
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Oh, Bridger, what good news. I try to defend LTC facilities all the time. I wish people could be there fielding the phones for a day to have some idea what it is like. And these days rudeness is often the norm. This is great news.
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Great day! First day in 16 years that I haven’t faced a bunch of complaints from skilled nursing/assisted living families. Even when shown a date and time stamped video they would still insist that someone was not turned, not checked on or not cleaned up. We closed on the sale yesterday and they took possession today. I have never been so happy to sell something. Me, my husband and dad are totally done. I did run into a person at the grocery who told me she got a letter today that the new owners were raising the price $2000.00 a month and that there were add on charges for a number of things. I knew that would happen, but nothing I can do about it. My dad gave up his little apartment. I like having him at home.
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Thank you so much Alva & NeedHelp! Really appreciate that.

We are still waiting in the cardio dept and so far they have called back 4 veterans who all have the same first name as my dad LOL! Must have been a popular name in the 40s & 50s!
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Cali,

Wishing you and your dad the very best outcome with his chemo.

You are very fortunate to be able to accompany him. That’s fantastic!
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Cali, wishing your Dad a lot of luck. Glad things are finally under way in his treatment.
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Today my dad FINALLY gets his first chemo treatment! They kept delaying it because he had blood in his urine. Anyway we are very fortunate he is able to get all his care from the VA. The Reno VA is really outstanding, they are allowing family to accompany the veterans to their appointments! My dad has 3 today, I expected to have to wait in the car but to my pleasant surprise, they let me go with him. Right now we are waiting in the cardiology dept to get his pacemaker checked. Then we go to oncology for the chemo. There are other veterans here with their spouses and one just got called back and his wife was surprised she could go with him. The nurse said “everyone gets to come”. Really a big difference here. The regular hospital has cancelled elective procedures and doesn’t let anyone in. But it is business as usual at the VA hospital and I am so thankful for that!!!
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On my mind today is something I found when recommended by a Facebook friend who is a New York Pediatrician. It is a series on Netflix, a documentary series, called THE SURGEON'S CUT. I have only seen the first episode. If anyone needs some restoration of a belief in humanity, this is the series for you. I found it utterly MIRACULOUS, and I'm an atheist, so go figure.
If you have Netflix, please give this a try.
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Count me as another who thinks often of Elaine and would love to hear from her. I miss those who leave us: Amijoy, The Captain, so many others. For Elaine, with her Mom, I wonder that there might not have been a lot to clean up after the death. I think she was at peace with knowing she did her very best for a rather difficult Mom. I sure think she did.
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Llama,

I appreciate that. Prayers are always welcome!

His oncologist says so far, so good. Radiation treatments should be completed near the end of January. He still has hormone injections and another MRI.

We are both very grateful that even though the oncologist described his cancer as ‘aggressive,’ the cancer is contained so it is treatable with radiation.
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Need: Praying for your DH.
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I think of Elaine too. I hope she is doing better. She felt so badly about finding her mom collapsed on the floor.

Her mom was a terrible hoarder. I am sure that is an awful mess to clean up afterwards.

She said that her mom had a reverse mortgage on the home so I suppose the mortgage company now owns the home.

Her mom had gambled her savings away at casinos. So sad.
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Just heard on the news that Tulane University here in New Orleans is looking for volunteers.

They are planning to introduce a COVID vaccine.

Every now and then I think about an incident that happened many years ago at Tulane’s primate center on the north shore, (Covington, Louisiana) some of their monkeys escaped and ended up in people’s backyards!

I knew that they were working on a vaccine. Tulane wants at least 60 to 70 percent of people to be vaccinated here.
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Polarbear,
I was just thinking of her this past weekend. 🤔
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"polarbear,"

I was just wondering the same thing as you posted your comment. I would imagine with this being her first holiday season without her mom it's probably especially hard on her and their family.
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Thanks, Polar. They bloom beautifully every year. I love them.
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