I set boundaries and the claws come out. I’m tired, very tired. I have to deal with payback from my mother for setting boundaries.
Last night I hear her call my younger brother. Today she calls my older brother, all to trash me! Sickening!
She knows they will take her side and then it’s three against one. I can’t win! She stirs the pot! Doesn’t fight fair.
Involves them in my business that doesn’t concern them. I told her she needs to think about what she did and should feel bad about it and she says, “They are family and I want to speak to them.” Yeah, right! That’s fine but I don’t speak to them about her and she shouldn’t speak to them about me!
They do nothing while I wipe her a**, bathe her from head to toe, change soiled sheets, cook and clean, empty bedside commode, etc. I take her to doctor appointments. I do everything! They get respect and I don’t! I must be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth!
Boundary setting doesn’t work all the time! She has a mean streak when she wants to show it. I sacrifice so much for her and this is how she repays me.
Just need to vent. I think I am losing it. I really do. I can’t have a logical conversation with her anymore. She wants to blame me for everything! I need a break so badly.
This is what scares me. I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives.
If I find a place for her to live I don’t know if I could even visit right now because I am so upset. What the hell is happening to me? I am my mother’s biggest advocate. Why am I feeling this way? I don’t know what to think about her or myself. Too much togetherness for way too long. It just isn’t healthy. I’m so empty that I can’t even cry. Is that bad?
Also, is it bad not to eat? So hard to eat. I get nauseous if I try so why bother, right? I cook for my husband and mom. I get sick to my stomach just smelling the food. Is that normal? I drink coffee and diluted juice, water with a splash of juice. My clothes are baggy. Who cares...Where do I go? My house is a prison. What does it matter if I lose weight and have baggy clothes?
What I want to know is, I looked up the physical address of the building and it isn't too far from my husband's office. How picky will they be about releasing death certificate and marriage certificate? The woman at the funeral home mentioned something about only releasing info to a blood relative. So, I'm thinking if I sent my husband to the building would they not allow him to apply for daddy's death and marriage certificate? Should I try to let him get it for me in person? Mom has no records due to Katrina. Grrrrrr. I'm starting from scratch here.
I found a company to assist. They found daddy's military records so I have that. I have his social security number. I have to have the death and marriage certificate. I have pages of paperwork to fill out. I already printed it. Has to be mailed in after completed. Only certain things can be done online. The rest has to be mailed in. They are requesting certified copies of certain things. It's a pain.
Also, not sure if I did the correct thing or not but since I have not been able to work due to being home with mom I went ahead and took the early SSI money. I am only allowed to make a certain dollar amount due to collecting social security. My daughter is on her last year at LSU and we are paying for everything. My other daughter is sick, Diabetes and Crohn's disease so we are helping her financially also. Things are tight is why I went ahead and started collecting at 62 instead of later.
Anyway, the veterans aid and attendance said that mom has to pay us more than she is now to qualify for receiving the max amount. If I accept the entire amount of her social security like they are telling me to do then it will put me over my max amount allowed. I say that because I guess I have to count that money as income. Don't I? The way it works is they asked me to set up an account in my name only. It can not be a joint account like I have now with my husband. Then I have to deposit the full amount of her social as living expenses to me as a 'paid caregiver' or to use towards AL, that is my preference. Then aid and assistance puts her max amount $1209 in her account. That has to go directly to her. It still won't be enough for AL. We will have to pay the difference.
I'm just getting overwhelmed and can't think straight. Plus I didn't sleep well last night. Am I making any sense? Can anyone make heads or tails out of what I am saying. I don't think I am being too clear at the moment. Feel free to tell me to get some rest and come back to the forum later if I am being too confusing with this post.
Oh, I also was told to have mom's doctor fill out a form saying I am mom's primary caregiver and that she needs assistance, which of course she does. I had no idea it would be this much paperwork. It takes time getting it all done. When it is completed they go back to the date applied and start paying benefits from that date. It's confusing to me. Oh, they need the last month of her bank statement that she receives her SSI check in. She needs to have statements form Humana insurance. The paperwork just goes on and on and on.
More eloquent words escape me after reading to this point:
You are killing yourself.
Forget about your mother.
Take care of you, you, and you.
You do not owe your mother your life.
Katrina was FOURTEEN years ago.
Enough already.
You say mom has no money. She has SS, yes? Is she paying you rent and for caregiving? Do you have a caregiver's contract?
Have you looked into how Medicaid actually works in your state?
Have you contacted local FREE veterans assistance organizations for help with the A and A application?
Mom's money should used to hire care, hire a house cleaner, and make YOUR life easier.
That is a very good question! I’m asking myself that daily at this point.
Yep, only wishful thinking on my part. I tried so hard to be optimistic, rather foolish to think mom will be rational or reasonable at this point. My heart is breaking.
It certainly hasn’t been worth it. Not this relationship. All relationships have ups and downs but where are the ups?
I have been married for over 40 years. He has been a wonderful husband, not perfect, nor am I. He is a great guy.
Years ago he was laid off at work due to downsizing. It happens. It was hard. But I would never have left him. I was only working part time then. Tough times. We went through our savings. I had a neighbor that did leave her husband after being laid off. She quickly remarried!
My point is, I would go through any pain with my husband all over again because I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. He has stood by me through tough times. We struggled for years trying to have a baby. I stood by him through his tough times. We wouldn’t have it any other way. With mom, has been a totally different story.
Changes have to happen one way or another. Not sure how yet. But this is too hard for my husband and me. When I helped with his mom and grandma it wasn’t nearly as hard. They did not live with us.
Do I feel your pain! Truly I do! I’m developing feelings for my mom that I dislike having. But I suppose if I am to be fully honest, I have to stop denying the utter justified resentment that I feel. I no longer feel like a daughter, but rather a servant while my brothers get to just be her sons! They do crap to help her or me! Truth be told, my husband has been more of a son to her, just like you were helpful and your SIL wasn’t. Sickening, isn’t it?
There is so much paperwork for this aid and assistance from veterans association to get money to help. I am slowly getting it done. Hard because I am starting from scratch due to everything being lost in Hurricane Katrina. What a headache rounding all of this stuff up to finalize the paperwork.
I pray to God we are approved! Mom has no money. We can’t pay AL prices without veteran’s help. She doesn’t have 5 years to spend down for Medicaid. She will soon be 94! So we are screwed if this doesn’t come through. I can’t take much more of this. Plus she needs some money for burial costs.
He would hold the "inheritance" over my husband's head, telling him that "eventually" all his worldly goods would become my husband's, but no amount of money in the world would ever be enough having to care for someone, if it beats you down and you don't even recognize who you are in the end! BTW, he Way inflated the amount of money that my husband was to inherit, and after he died, my husband found evidence of the many thousands of dollars that he sent to my husband's sister, the one who never did anything but take, take, take! Neither of my husband's 2 siblings ever spent a minute of care on either of my in laws, they were both Giant Takers, which is a whole other story that is Way too long to get into right now! I do everything I can, not to look back upon those years of frustration, it's just not worth it! Btw, my husband has Zero relationships with his siblings, same ole story for many here going through parental Caregiving!
go to YouTube look up
Earth Wind and Fire Let’s Groove Tonight
Phil Wright Choreography
watch the video it is contagious and it will help you to bounce off the crap mom and others will throw. If you have earbuds headphones whatever, put them on play this song the whole song while preparing meals etc for your mom get lost in its positive juju dance around while doing your duties and you WILL feel good and more empowered to refuse mom and others crap! Give it a shot, I did!
xoxoxo
susan
I forgot to mention to make sure you actually DO the methods of madness suggested here. Fortunately, there’s a lot of support and various suggestions from people here that will help you formulate a plan of action for your situation.
Also, I strongly suggest that you find acceptance instead of just knowing. What I mean is we can know something forever, nothing changes until we accept it as it is and understand that we cannot change it, but we can fully change ourselves and our handling of it. Acceptance empowers you. Your mom nor your relatives are going to stop crucifying you and you can’t make them stop; but you can put on your Wonder Woman wrist bands and bounce their crap off and away from yourself. I literally have a few times during moms degrading rants have stood there looking directly at her while in my mind I envisioned her words bouncing off of my steel wrist bands-yes, I even included little sparks and ricochet sound effects. I said nothing and went mental WW and when she was done I went about my day unaffected by her misery and verbal trashing. Bounce it off. Refuse to accept the role they’ve had you trapped in for so long. Practice in the mirror. Say it to yourself until you believe it then present it to your perpetrators firmly and stick with it. Knowing and accepting are very different things I have learned- knowing continues to hurt; accepting starts the healing and change.
Now, my friend, put on your wrist bands a MAKE IT A GREAT DAY!
XOXOXO
susan
No matter sacrificing your mental, emotional and physical health?
No matter sacrificing your relationships with your children?
No matter sacrificing your relationships with your husband?
No matter sacrificing your actual life?
At what point does sacrificing become insanity and martyrdom?
Love has boundaries! Martial love has boundaries! Parent/child love has boundaries?
Who told you that loving someone meant sacrificing all of the above?
That's not love, that's being someone's slave.
Both you and your mother need for her to be placed somewhere to be cared for by professionals who work in 8 hour not 24 hour shifts! Then you can go back to being a loving daughter with boundaries and not a slave.
If you didnt get along with mom as a kid, what made you think being her fulltime caregiver was going to work?
I understand that this all happened because of Katrina. But there has been time since to make a plan, yes?
Yes, mom needs an assessment and to go to a facility. So, she's shocked. So, what?
You are NOT responsible for making your mom happy.
You don't get to treat your only daughter like $hit all her life and then expect your old age to be spent in her loving care.
Did the home care nurse test for a UTI? If mom is acting off, if ahes had a change in mental status, you may need to get her to the ER. And dont take her back into your home.
Again, at some point the choice is to live like this and tell the same story over and over...
OR
to change living like this.
Ultimately those are the only two choices.
When people go to Al-Anon their first visit is one in which they describe how victimized they are by their drinking loved one. They are quickly told that they have only two choices. Stay (and know they cannot change a thing but themselves) or go and make another life. It is a dreadfully difficult concept to take in. Because initially they really want to be there to "tell their story" which they think is unique, and to hear what a good and long-suffering person they are. You might look up their serenity prayer. It is a good one, for believers.
It sounds cruel to say, but people will tire of hearing the same story when it goes in a circular pattern of harm to all involved, including your Mom and yourself. And your family.
I read below that you did have a therapist and that you stopped going when the therapist suggested that your mother be placed in care. You said "I didn't go there to hear that", which says that you went there ONLY to hear what you wanted to hear. When you heard anything other from a professional, you left. That's very common and would indicate to your counselor that you were not really wanting an answer and help, but rather wanting to vent. To tell your story. To be sympathized with.
So you can continue on, and I see below that there is a lot of exceptionally loving support for you when you do vent. That is good, if your choice is to stay in this unchanging situation. Things become a habitual pattern, and people who seem to be the "victim" of an awful situation are sometimes actually getting a benefit from it that isn't initially apparent. They seem to be a victim, when really they are getting what they need most at the time.
I so wish you the best. I wish that for your Mom, too; I believe she is suffering every bit as much as you are. I think you BOTH cry over your cruelty to one another, but the war is joined, and no one seems to want a peace treaty. Some wars never end. I wish the best most of all for the family, your own primary family, especially if there are children involved, who depend on having a strong, wholly together wife and Mom role model.
As for me, I won't comment anymore on your threads--reason to celebrate today if nothing else. Everyone loves it when I shut up!
I hope someday I will see a post from you telling us you are taking the difficult steps to move forward to a happier life. On that day I will be there to tell you I think you the bravest woman on the planet (If I am here at all. At 77 one never knows!). My best out to you Needs. Please take care.
One time my aunt took me for just about the whole summer because I couldn’t handle being at home anymore. Mom called her sister near the end of summer and asked her to bring me back home.
I shouldn’t say this but I was happier with my aunt. She made me feel important as a kid. There wasn’t a junkie brother at her house. I got to just play like a real kid with my cousins. It was nice while it lasted.
I always felt that I had to love family no matter what but it’s kind of hard.
The criticism is getting too hard. Ha! One brother who was a junkie. The other went into law enforcement so it isn’t a good conversation really. He is jaded from all his years on the force. So, it’s more like an interrogation than a conversation and I am not strong enough emotionally to go up against that. The younger brother is sort of devil may care attitude. It’s just a rough patch right now. I fantasize about a vacation!
I think I need to lie down. My head is throbbing. Maybe I can sleep after taking Advil. I told mom something nasty awhile ago. I told her if she needed help she could call 911 because I needed a break. Mean, I suppose but everyone has a threshold of pain and frustration.
Maybe I am going nuts too now! This is so embarrassing not to be in control but it has gone on for too long. I suppose like people say about a bad marriage or something. I have friends who told me they didn’t truly see how unhealthy their marriage was until they got away from it. Is that what has happened to mom and me?
I said things I should have never said. I’m sorry but it’s what I felt and I unleashed on her. Now I am on my patio crying my eyes out.
I did so well yesterday by not speaking to her. Then she attacked me today and I simply lost it!
I want control of my life again. It’s all I want. I told her she has to be assessed. She freaked out! How do I handle this? Please give me an answer. Please.
I can’t make her happy. I do want the years left that I have to be joyful for me, my husband and my daughters. I deserve that.
"Mom, I can't do this anymore; this isn't working out for me" is a hard conversation to have. You need to have it with mom and with your brothers.
If you come from the kind of family that it seems like you do (lots of gossip, playing kids against one another, etc., you will be accused of being selfish, ungodly, whatever.
Just nod. Say "yes, I guess that's true; I need to take care of myself. My doctor tells me that this is having a dreadful impact on my health and I'd rather not die young; I want to be able to live to an old and fruitful age and enjoy my kids and grandkids".
Non-emotional. Just a statement of fact.
On what basis does the neuro say mom has no dementia? Has there been any cognitive testing? Has she seen a psychiatrist?
Wishing you peace and wellness, dear one.
I have to hire help or place her in a nursing home."
Get her that assessment.
You do not want to hire help -- you want her in a facility.
And what is wrong with a family meeting? That is when you tell your brothers that you will be placing your mother in a facility. If they don't like it, she can go to live with one of them.
I think you get involved with winning minor skirmishes, while meanwhile you are losing the war (the war being your mental and physical health).
Great posting and oh so true! I find absolute truth in your answer. Thanks for getting it.
I especially like the part about refusing negative comments from others. My mother stirred up things so badly that my brothers now think a ‘family meeting’ is in order. I don’t think so right now. The only meeting I am going to have is telling them either take mom or shut up!
For one thing. It’s sort of, too little, too late. I’ve been at this since 2005. Where were they? I don’t think I need instructions from them. What experience do they have?
Hey, you’re a great cheerleader! I needed that!
I didn’t even speak to mom today other than to tell her, here is breakfast, here is lunch, here is dinner.
She egged on my brother so much that he called and he rarely calls. Constantly stirred the pot yesterday, gaslighting me.
I picked up the phone and told him that she was snoring which she was. It’s awful to criticize others when they don’t help out. It’s even worse for mom to criticize me to them. So now they feel like they can continue to trash me. How dare they be offended that I got angry with them about their foolishness.
I am still angry. Not that I like being angry but I suppose I reached my threshold. I blew up. I’m not proud of that. But I am not going to beat myself up over it either. They had it coming. Long overdue. I bury my emotions because it’s a waste of time reasoning but everything just overflowed yesterday. Know what I mean? I will get over it or not let it get to me. I guess I needed a day to blow off steam. I do feel comforted from those who posted. That helped a lot. Because I was on the verge of cracking up.
As far as relatives and their scoffing and pointy fingers- refuse it. Simply no longer accept the role of being anybody’s whipping post, receiver of pointy fingers, excuse, blame or reason for ANY of their crap. Have you reached the point to where you mumble and or talk to yourself ? If not, no worries, you’ll be there soon. Use it to practice making your stand- go in front of a mirror hold your head high and confidently and firmly say that you no longer accept those roles that they need to find someone else to persecute. Practice until you can face each of them and let them know you’re no longer the one. If that doesn’t work, I suggest the phone suddenly and mysteriously has outage issues- get creative.
XOXOXO
susan
ps- I may have found a place that sells sage bundles the size of a body pillow...
I do have a particular priest in mind that would be well suited to speak to. He’s a super nice guy and well educated on this topic. He used to be a chaplain at a hospital.
I am going to get out Saturday. My daughter is going to take me to my favorite coffee house and we can visit. My husband is insisting that I have a change of scenery. He says he will cook for mom.
He makes terrific breakfast on the weekends and he said he would grill fish for their lunch and throw veggies on the grill as well. She loves his grilled food.
My daughter is on her last year at LSU so she’s busy but she is concerned about me. She’s a sweet young woman and I love my daughters dearly. If my other daughter is free we are going to pick her up to join us.
Your posts always make me smile. I adore your sense of humor. I’m so sorry about your auntie. You provided good care for her for a long time. She’s smiling from heaven at you. I just know that she is.
My brothers aren’t all that helpful. I do understand what you mean though.
I’m hoping to get aid and assistance from a veterans program. Daddy was in WW11. That will help. I found a suitable AL. I looked at three of them. She will need an assessment. She may not qualify. We’ll see.
I have to hire help or place her in a nursing home.
She went to a nursing home for rehab so it won’t be a shock how it goes. She wasn’t too thrilled to be there at times because of a few issues.
Everywhere will have something. She sort of acts like she should be first. I had to keep reminding her that she was not the only resident.
Did your FIL appreciate your help? Mom tells me that she does. But then she starts with the digs and it surely doesn’t seem like she appreciates me. That has made it harder.
Wow, you had it hard with your FIL. My mom used to go out sometimes. I could get her to go to a restaurant so I could take a break from cooking.
Now all she says is that it’s too hard to get in and out of the car, too many bathroom trips and it’s too difficult to go out, blah blah, blah. I bought the ‘car cane’. She uses it. It helps for doctor’s appointments so why can’t she use it for other places.
She refuses to leave the house. She would rather see me slave over a stove. I want to wipe the smirk off her face when she smiles at me cooking and cleaning and wait on her hand and foot.
She is so unreasonable lately that the last doctor appointment she told me as she always does, “Sign me in.” So I do. They call her name and she gets upset that I am not standing by her. So when I walk over she tells me that I should have been there when her name was called. I said to her that I was signing her in when they called. I asked her why couldn’t she just follow the nurse and I would join her a second later. She can’t hear well so I have to join her. Or so she tells me.
So I told the nurse to clone me so I could be in both places. It was a joke that she didn’t find funny. I joke to break the tension. She thinks nothing of embarrassing me by scolding me like a two year old.
This bathroom stuff is nonsense. I told her that she had to wear a pull-up to the doctor and no visits to the bathroom and she gets to complain that her name was called while she is in bathroom. I told her to go to the bathroom at home before because it’s only a five minute drive.
After the visit, I did not allow her to drag me to the bathroom. I practically ran past her saying, “Going to get the car! Sit on that chair so you can see when I pull up by the door.” She did it. I parked and got out, led her towards the car, got her seated and loaded up her walker in the back seat. Off we went!
She made it home which takes 5 minutes. Before leaving home for doctor appointment she tried to tell me that she would wet the car seat so I put a towel down on the seat. She said a towel wouldn’t hold it so I put a plastic garbage bag under the towel. I am determined that she won’t overrule me.
We get home. She sat at the table and had her snack, tea and never used the bathroom until an hour later!
So, she uses the potty trips to manipulate. I told her if she went to the bathroom in her pull up that we would change it immediately at home. I’m sick to death of her trying to control everything.
I realize sometimes she does have bathroom issues but sometimes it’s in her head or wants attention for it. Oh, but let me mention the constant peeing to her doctor and she won’t hear of taking a script to control incontinence.
I really feel for you, it all starts off congenially, and slowly it takes over every aspect of your life until you cannot take it any longer, little did I know that he was also a complete Narcissist, which slowly revealed itself as time went on.
When my FIL first moved in, he was almost immediately diagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma, and he went through a year of Chemotherapy, and did very well, putting him into remission, and then the slow and natural age progression, where he lost his ability to manage his own affairs, his Dr appointments, medication management, driving, preparing his own food and doing his own laundry, and slowly but surely we were doing Everything for him, and all he did was watch TV and be waited on.
Knowing that he was always in the home, never being alone with my husband, having to drag him along to every family function, never being able to leave him at home because he was a fall risk, the loss of our personal space, it just takes over your entire life, and soon you are going crazy and want to pull your hair out, you feel you have completely changed from the person you used to be, and your lives are not your own.
That is when I found this website, looking for answers and support just like you. I was given all of the same suggestions, all extremely helpful, but so difficult to implement, as he wasn't MY Dad, and so it was that much more difficult to work towards change, my husband being the one who had been "programmed" throughout his life to put up with his antics and demands.
In the 13th year, we Finally did place him into an Assisted Living facility right near our home ( this lasted about 12 weeks), and things were going along pretty well, until he fell one evening and was finally discovered the next day around noon by my husband, he was transported to hospital where it was found that he had Pneumonia, and that he had a Cancerous golf ball sized lung tumor which was spreading to his rib bones, and it was decided he was too weak and too ill to do Chemotherapy, plus he did not wish to go through the treatment, he (now 88) was done fighting and ready to leave this earth.
So we brought him back home with us, on Hospice and he lasted another 9 weeks, where he died in our home.
We waited Way to long to implement the move to Assisted Living. That should have been done years before, long before our Complete Caregiver Burnout, but all I can say is that change is hard, and many mistakes were made, but that doesn't mean that you cannot learn from my mistakes!
My FIL really did fairly well in AL, and he wasn't really there long enough truly settle in, as I'm quite sure he would have done great! You will never know until you "Just Do It"! My guess is that in time, your Mom will settle in given the opportunity, and slowly your life will return to a New Normal. Sure, you will still be doing A Lot for her, as we were, but it will be much better than what you are doing now! You will be able to resume your interests, enjoy your husband and your children again, and you will be a better person for it!
It's time, re-claim your life, get healthy again, both physically and emotionally, your family will surely appreciate it and so will you! You have my greatest admiration and support! Bit by bit, you can do this!
I am not even going to ask her what the nurse said. Oh, I am sure she will tell me but not today because I am not speaking to her today except to tell her I have her food ready, just what is necessary to say and do, no more. I’m taking a mental break from it all.
You’re right about everything but the line that jumps out at me is, “setting boundaries without consequences won’t work.” Guess I only went half way but I was so upset that I wasn’t thinking clearly. Thanks for pointing that out to me.