I heard mom’s phone ringing. She was napping. It was my brother. I texted him saying that she was napping. No response from him.
A few minutes later I hear a knock at my door. It’s both of my brothers who were never close to mom for years unless it was for a meal or to get money from her.
Mom has been pissed because I have been standing up to her. The crap stirrer that she is, she has been telling me that she wants a ‘meeting’ with all of us. She has been ‘tattling’ on me. I told her no meeting without my husband. I told my brother that too. They only want to trample me. I am not up for this crap. Nerves are shot to hell!
I am not close to my brothers for good reasons. I tried over and over to have a good relationship and finally gave up.
We just don’t have very much in common and to put it bluntly they and mom are sexist, among other things.
What goes on in my house is my business, not theirs but mom has never been one to respect my privacy which is why I don’t confide in her. I don’t have a clue what goes on in their homes and furthermore I don’t care!
My brothers walk in my house today, no phone call to tell me they are coming. Pretend to be friendly with me. It’s fake, trust me. My nerves are frazzled from mom involving them in petty arguments that she starts.
I don’t trust my emotions so I walked outside and stayed there until they left. I called my friend to talk. She said to me not to be around them if I didn’t trust myself because I shouldn’t lose my temper because they would use that against me and not to give them the satisfaction.
That’s how they are, three against one. They left. Waved goodbye and pretended to be friendly again. I know they are plotting some crap and I just can’t tolerate this anymore. They have been sneaky before. They purposely came during the day when my husband wouldn’t be home and I would be vulnerable.
It was lunch time when they left. Believe me, I am so furious that I wasn’t about to cook a nice meal for her. She got a hot dog! I made her a nice breakfast earlier. Had no idea they had this cooked up!
I want to know what they discussed and I don’t want to know. I’m sick of this crap! They do nothing and criticize me! Never ask for my side. Hail Mom! She’s the queen and I am dirt!
I know I sound ridiculous. I’m sorry about that. I wanted to leave my house while they were here. My brother had me blocked in. I knew one brother would have to get back to work so I couldn’t have stayed out long.
I am afraid to talk to mom because it will turn into a huge fight. If I ignore her she will be furious too. But I am not going to speak to her. Not now. There is no way I want to speak to my brothers. They are both ‘know it all’ blow hards that believe her freakin BS!
Called my husband and he feels they are cowards because they never speak to him. He is annoyed at their shenanigans! I sort of want my husband to speak to them but not sure. Okay, enough of my rambling. If I could get her out of my house today I would!
My fear, I am so upset about a lifetime of crap that I would stay angry and she will die and I will regret being mad. I do not plan on having a relationship with my brothers when she dies. I hate the thought of making burial arrangements. It will be just going through the motions being with them. It isn’t a genuine relationship.
Who knows, maybe my mom is giving them total control over everything now because she’s upset with me. Not that I have any control now, only medical power of attorney. My brother is executor if her will. The will she made with my brother, of course! I’m only good enough to be her servant!
If no one wants to respond to my stupid broken record, I completely understand. Trust me, I am sick to death of living it!
They have already said they will not take mom. She would have to make other arrangements.
I have seen their faces. We have asked before. They go into shock! Several years ago, we took off to Ft. Walton for Thanksgiving. It was great! Was actually warm enough to get in the pool. I love Florida. Only about a four hour drive.
My younger brother stayed at the house. They don’t like looking after her. They had to serve their own holiday meal while we ate out! Was so nice. I do not regret not doing all of the holiday meals. I cook for our family and that’s it! My daughters, husband and mom. No longer invite anyone else.
I should see about a hair appointment on Friday. She could go to a salon. She used to. I had to find a stylist come to the house to cut her hair. She loves being married to this house. I hate it. I used to do things! I had a job. I volunteered. I kept busy.
She’s just demanding. She did well with rehab and home health. She always has. She is supposed to keep up with the exercises and she doesn’t want to and gets weak again. Her OT and PT says she is capable. The exercises are geared for helping Parkinson’s patients.
From the sounds of things, they wont cut you a break, BUT don't you just want to see the look on their face when you ask.
Then drive over to the other brother and repeat.
You sound wonderful and have been throught the grinder like me....be strong...you are worth it!
Is your mom bed bound?
Or merely demanding?
If your toddlers had behaved this way, what would you have done?
Thanks for listening. I may go for a short drive when hubby gets home. Going to turn on my favorite jazz station and just chill. My daughter is coming over Tuesday evening. I am glad. I can have a nice conversation about her life. No poop talk, compression stockings, etc.
The COA caregiver is coming Friday and I am taking off. Not to the grocery store either. Not sure what but away from here. I need a break.
How about, do you hate them for stealing years from you when you could have been earning?
Please understand that if your family members think that there is not monetary cost for caregiving, they are quite mistaken.
Have you been in touch with your therapist?
Just to make myself clear, I'm NOT suggesting that there is anything wrong with you. Many times, folks think that someone saying "you need to see a shrink" means "there is something wrong with YOU".
No. There is something very wrong with your situation and with the expectations of your family members that you will handle this all on your own.
They are the folks who are disordered, not you. YOU need help on getting them to see sense.
She gets upset because we are not close to each other as siblings. Well, gee I wonder why! She pits us against each other. Plus they have different personalities.
But I am starting to realize that I am not a daughter or a sister either, not by my definition. Hell, I haven’t even been able to be a wife or mom. Rarely see my friends either. When they do come over, mom wants to be chatty with them. Annoying! For a few minutes, fine but not the whole time.
She’s going to have to start paying for a caregiver for me to get out of this prison.
Do I feel like the world's biggest fool at times? Absolutely! However, I do have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing right by her no matter what she or my siblings think and when all is said and done, I will be able to live with myself. If you can get one of your brothers to take her, I say good riddance. If not, grit your teeth, avoid them when possible, and do what you do for her knowing you are a good person.
You have NO obligation to let them in, other than the excuse of seeing your mother. And as others have written, given the frictional relationship, why not let them take care of her?
However, you DO have the right to prior notice before allowing them in. And you DON'T have to leave your own house. And that's what I would have done: told them to let you know before coming over, and close the door in their faces.
I know it's hard to stand up to 2 bullies, especially if you're not used to this kind of frictional challenge and testing of how far they can go. But you'll just be miserable and continue to be so until you tell them to, more or less, put up or shut up.
And that includes taking care of her, at someplace other than your home. YOU are the only one who can make changes in this situation.
What is the worst case scenario? They can see that you're burned out, right?
I'm not sure I see the downside here. Mom clearly wants out. You want her out.
They remove her. Win/win, yes?