Oh boy, the drama with mom continues...

NHWM,
I would agree with the others here that they are playing you! You have done nothing wrong. This was probably the plan the whole time and Cwilly is right, your mom was telling your brothers the half truths and the woes me on them...my mother did the same thing and I am sure there are many on here that could say the same.

Your mom program you as my mother program me...We are Not Broken...we just need to be reprogram! And I was and you can be too! You are not broken! You were a kid when your mom started programming you; how were you suppose to know?

Your mom is out of your house, don't you see what she has done to you she will do it to them?

You are going to be okay...it well work out at the end you'll see.

I wish I could be there with you and help you, but we are all here for you.

Just breath!
Hugs!!!

NHWM,

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you have been given a great gift.

You are no longer trapped!

Think about it. All of the stress, the anxiety, the bullying... it was all just pulled out of your lap and out of your home.

Do NOT let it back in.

Bros have given you the perfect excuse. You will not put yourself and your family back in the path of unwarranted and unreasonable accusations again. You will now protect your immediate family and your home.

Your home is now peaceful again. Talk through with hubby how to box up and deliver stuff. Let him deliver if necessary. Then, stop talking about it. Talk about something joyful, something completely unrelated to this hot mess that you have been handling for years. It will be hard at first, but push yourself to the good.

This is a release.

Say that over and over again in your mind. Then just smile. And keep smiling until you feel like smiling, lol.

Methinks bros are blowing a lot of smoke. But, Mom isn’t living in your house as of right now. If APS shows up, you tell them that she is no longer living there. Then you say calmly that it is so sad what happens with dementia. Stay calm and speak little.

If there is anything else, have an attorney handle ALL communication.

Don’t over dramatize. You will very likely see your mother again. And if you don’t? What is the worst that comes out of that?

You did what you could for someone difficult.

Not to sound cold, but people through the centuries have said goodbye way earlier than this and lived to tell the tale.

And honestly, the likelihood of that is teeny tiny.

You are ok. Cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be much more helpful to you at this point than talk therapy. Validation is great but you, sister, need tools. Use what people have told you on this board. You have a lot of tools here, if you pick them up.

I repeat, do not even entertain the thought of letting her back in. DH can help you by refusing;)

No tears, no anger, no fighting, no self-justifications. There are consequences for actions. They pulled her out and falsely accused you. The consequence for that is that they now have full responsibility AND they no longer have your trust. Period. Say nothing more.

Now go cuddle your family and smile.

This is a release. Your life is your own again!

Oh, and NO ONE comes back into your house for any reason. Not to pick up a toothbrush, nothing. They can text you and you will put it on the porch. And you will arrange to get the rest out in the next day or two.

Your house is now Fort Knox. I’d be willing to bet your DH would be on board with keeping it that way;)

Remember not to defend yourself. They have broken trust and you will not open your family up to another situation like what happened today. Period.

And, my dear, of course no one is mad at you. Your job #1 is to take care of yourself and your family. You don’t have to take care of us, lol.

NHWM,
You will have questions about the care of your Mom that will go unanswered.
Your siblings basically came and kidnapped your Mom from your care.
It happens. More than you know. Of course you are upset, and after being sick just days ago.
Your Mom may try to call you and complain about your brothers soon.
It is up to you how you choose to avoid more drama at that point, or even if you will take her calls. Have a plan, work it out with your therapist.

Acting in such a way as to avoid legal issues may help. I have heard people say,
"I cannot comment due to pending litigation". Your attorney can advise you.

It will all work itself out. Hold your head up high, for all you've done for Mom.

I had a hot dog for lunch today. Hot dogs are an excellent lunch!

What sneaky, manipulative, cowards your brothers are that they actually made a plan with your mother behind your back. The three of them are despicable. And chose to implement this plan when your husband (or whoever is really supporting you) was not there.

Let her go. Pack her stuff and ship it to his house.

For 15 years you took care of your mother and this is how it ends?

None of the three have any respect for you or the sacrifices you have made over the years.

Look at it this way, they solved your problem. She is their problem now.

It appears that you as well as your mother has had enough & both of you need a change.

You’ve repeatedly said that your mother does not have Dementia - thus you realize she made the choice to leave. Your brothers agreed with mother & took her out.

Its irreparable now due to their decisions and actions.

Let it go. Your brothers don’t have a leg to stand on as far as reporting you to APS. For what? You are your mothers slave & have been for years.

Retained a lawyer for what? I would just watch & wait (and clean out her room).

Again don’t allow them to threaten you! Realistically what could they possibly cite as elder abuse? Come on now...

Hold the line. You are free. It’s what you wanted. She’s out! And guess what, she will be ok. As will your brothers. Life will go on.

I would think you’d be rejoicing today but no, more drama.

Whats the real worry now other than idle threats to call APS? I think something is missing. Is it an inheritance issue? You weren’t getting income from her and she won’t spend any of it on caregivers. Does mom have a nest egg? If she does, it’s because YOU,NHWM, have supported her and gave her the opportunity to save.

And now you can’t communicate via an anonymous Internet forum - why? Do you actually think your brothers & mother will spend resources on paying to subpoena your social media sites? Pay an attorney ~$450/hr to do so? Not likely.

You are not thinking of pressing charges for kidnapping, are you? That too will cost you attorney fees. Geez I hope not.

Today get busy and stay busy. Go get your hair done. Binge watch “Frankie & Grace” on Netflix and spend the day laughing on your couch. I myself am stifling a giggle thinking about what the three of them

Don’t overthink. It’s simple. You have won.

I am concerned that once your brothers see how difficult it is to take care of your mother, that they will try to get you to take her back in. I'm concerned that you will take her back in.

Please do not do it!

My dear, this is a gift. Just wait until your brothers find out how difficult and painful it is to take care of her. DO NOT let her back in the house, you will be on the hook forever. Money be damned if there is any. She has showed you what you could expect for the rest of her life, so be happy. Take your life back and live it. You have done the best you could. Best wishes..

Need is doing okay but feeling extremely fragile. Sends good wishes and thanks to everyone.

NHWM-
We all love you and are so sorry you are going through such things. It will all be ok. Take care of yourself, everyone here will be keeping good thoughts for you, praying for you and waiting for you to smile again.
You are a strong lady and you will get through this. You will, believe it. Don't allow fear to steal your hope, your faith, your joy.
As was said the Lord works in mysterious ways, this is an answered prayer. And soon you will see it too.
Take care of yourself, you have nothing to worry about. You have gone above and beyond especially for the one you were providing care for.
There is no shame in your game.
Hang in there. We love you.
You are in my prayers

NHWM, we are here for you! Take any in-person support you can get (your H) and know that it will be all right (heck, more than all right...FINE) for you once you get through this, the difficult part of the journey.

They can do as they see fit as can you. Let them bluster, if there was never any hints of abuse, nothing will happen. Is your brother a retired cop? Last time I checked, they can only arrest a person for warrants or crimes but not for the fun of it. Document every contact with the 3 of them. The day, the time, what was said, etc. Then a pattern of mental abuse can be established. You don't have to allow anyone to move back into your house or allow anyone on your property.

NHWM, I am so very sorry that the 3 of them feel that it's appropriate to treat you this way. You've done your time with caring for her. Let them figure it out. I agree to pack her stuff up ASAP, if local you can hire someone to deliver her items to your sibling's home cheaper than ups or usps. Take pictures of everything including the last piece of used Kleenex before boxing and after placing in box. Create a list of box contents, keep a copy for your records. Could you maybe have a friend help you by signing off on packing list too? Non interested party (not family), looks better for you. Hard to say and deal with this situation. I think your brothers and mother are attempting emotional blackmail by wanting to file elder abuse charges against you, thinking that you will fall in line and obey all of their demands. Not this time. They have all shown their true colors. Glad to hear you have a lawyer and your husband's support. It is now time for you and your family. Enjoy time with your grandchild. Do something fun with your husband. You are coming out of a war zone, as others have suggested get some help dealing with the fallout. It's almost like a death without the closure. Block calls and texts from the 3 of them. If they try to contact you thru other means refer them to speak with your lawyer. If they attempt to contact you via us mail, certified or not have the post office stamp return to sender, do not write on envelope yourself nor accept anything from them. They will want to dump mom back in your lap, please don't let it happen. You have taken great care of her for many years, their turn now. Dont forget to change your door locks, you really don't need anymore surprise visits from them (assuming mom has a key) or god forbid they drop her off and run while you're out. That would be the time to call authorities and tell them she's lost, she doesn't live with you any longer and due to family conflict they need to take her back home, that you dont feel safe doing so, and have no idea how she even arrived because you were out. Also forward all of HER mail to brother's home. This will now establish residency for her elsewhere. Contact doctors, dentist, and anyone else involved and give them his number as contact. BTW a hot dog is not a bad lunch, just not what you would normally do for her. She did eat, was not deprived of anything. Let us know how you are when you are able. You're in my prayers, you've been thru hell and back, time for you and yours. Sometimes you need to remove family members from your life like you would a bad tooth. Yes it hurts initially, but after healing you wonder why you let it fester for so long. Hugs to you and yours.

It’s early in the morning here. I didn’t sleep well. I will try to rest later. I realize it hasn’t been all that long and it will take time. Things don’t heal overnight. One day at a time for now.

I have not been able to speak on the forum for a few reasons, mainly because of being in shock, dealing with anxiety, depressed, confusion, hurt and anger about the circumstances. Unpleasant endings are hard. I also tend to isolate myself when upset. Something I have done since childhood.

I want to thank every single person that private messaged me to help. It means more to me than you could ever know.

This may sound silly but I also can’t stand to look at my screen name anymore so I want to delete it and register with a new name.

Certainly NeedHelpWithMom doesn’t apply anymore and it makes me very sad. I can’t think of a new name and I am open to suggestions because I may be tempted to choose something negative like Lost-And-Afraid and I don’t want to do that. I want something positive, a fresh start of sorts.

I hate the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop because of not being able to predict other people’s actions but I do know that I am doing all that I can to be prepared. I have not spoken to my brothers or my mom. I feel that is best right now.

Even if both of my brothers suddenly disappeared we would not allow her back into our home because it was too hard for us. Everyone has to make their own decisions about these situations. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ kind of thing.

This may be hard for some people to understand but I don’t think I even realized just how difficult it was.

Yes, my husband and children tried to tell me that it was becoming too difficult. A few other family members and friends did too.

My therapist absolutely told me in the past that my mother was a burden on me. Many of you told me.

I did not know how to accept that she could possibly be a burden and felt it meant that I was a failure.

My mother always expected me to be the perfectionist that she was and I suppose that is something that was drilled into my head from very young so it was hard for me to easily shake off. My children would not refer to me as a perfectionist. I did not want to pass that onto them. I taught them to be responsible but no one is perfect.

I must admit the advice not to continue caregiving in my home fell on deaf ears due to being so committed to mom and the memory of my sweet father, also the memory of my mom’s parents. I adored my grandparents. I truly felt compelled to care for mom out of obligation and initially. I really did feel that it was the right choice for all of us.

As time went by I saw it was wrong but felt trapped. I questioned myself. I felt as if I was broken and had to ‘fix or adjust’ my attitude.

I was wrong. My attitude wasn’t broken. I was breaking. Honestly, I am still broken. I still feel that I could break into a million pieces and I absolutely hate being that vulnerable. I want to feel strong, not fragile. I want to feel peace, not anxious. I want to feel certain, not confused.

I do want to heal. I have to believe that is possible because of all the kindness that I have felt from all of you. I have to listen and learn.

Sometimes it takes being away from the chaos to see it. I couldn’t see it when I was in the middle of it.

Everyone has their own story. It’s called life, not a fairytale. Believe me, I learned that the hard way.

Because of the difficult struggles in my past I felt that come hell or high water that I would create my fairytale ending and ‘live happily ever after.’ I know better now and hopefully one day will be a little bit wiser.

Promise me that you won’t give up on me and I promise all of you that I will sincerely try. I may stumble for awhile. Sometimes we are lucky enough that when we fall we get thrown a lifeline. I am grateful to each and everyone of you. Thank you.

My story is so different from yours but there are similarities. I too felt as though it was my destiny to care for my mother, it seemed as though all my previous life experiences had equipped me for the task. The feeling of release when she went to the nursing home did literally feel as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, one that had increased so gradually that I couldn't see how crippling it had become until it was gone. Yours is a very complicated history with your family but you have risen above it all and have a good heart.

cwille,

First of all, thank you for your kindness, honesty and wisdom in your answers. Yes, a weight is lifted even amongst the pain. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I need to be reminded of what is most important. It helps.

Sometimes we have to stop something to begin again and not look at it as quitting. I wouldn’t give myself permission to stop. Ultimately I had to hear it from me. My heart wouldn’t allow me to say it. It’s not good to sacrifice ourselves. I guess I wasn’t a good martyr. Or maybe it just wasn’t my calling to do so. For some it is. All situations are unique to that individual and their caregiver.

Crippling is a very accurate word to describe what can happen in certain situations.

I don’t feel like I have risen above anything just yet but I’m going to try as much as possible to do so.

Will take some reprogramming but I have a great guy, two beautiful daughters, others and special people on this forum beside me so all is not lost.

Transitioning times are the hardest. I’m grieving for my mom who isn’t even dead. She’s gone without closure.

I wish things would have ended differently, peacefully in a natural manner. I wish we were able to have a healthy relationship. The future is full of uncertainties. In spite of it all I owe it to myself and others to move forward.

It's so good to "hear" you writing so compassionately about yourself!!

You are so correct, as CW confirms, that when you are in the midst of the chaos, it's impossible to see that the need to change is in your hands, and even that change is necessary.

I know you feel fragile now, but you will get the tools to regain your resolve and strength. If you change your screen name (some of us have done that a couple of times) something referring to strength, resilience and phoenix come to mind.

((((((Hugs))))))))

Thank you, Barb

I like your suggestion about the name. It’s about time for some positive changes in my life. Actually, long overdue. Just so new still, I lived for many, many years planning or coordinating my life in accordance with mom’s life, daddy’s life, my deceased brother’s life. I am definitely not used to putting myself first.

I would also like to be able to trust again and not feel like I have to fight to control. Not sure if I am wording it correctly, but to surrender and not be scared of the outcome. I’d like to be willing to welcome good surprises in my life.

Oh gosh, when I was young I thought ‘variety was the spice of life.’ Surprises were fun! Afterwards in caring for mom, every single day was a repeat of the day before and surprises were rarely fun, usually something like an ER trip or another fall.

NHWM- So happy to see you. We all missed you.

Keep talking.
We will never give up on you.

Prayers for you

NHWM, I will not give up on you and you are not a failure, if anything you are stronger then you think. You took care of your mom for 14 yrs and you are still here! Your cheese did not slip off your cracker! You are still able to put one foot in front of the other no matter how slow it is...you made it to the other side! I think everything happens for a reason...reasons we may not understand...reasons we may not know! I believe that God will bring us to our knees because we are so hard headed that He has to to get our attention! He does it out of love and to take us to where He wants us for His plan. Look to Him!

You will raise out of these ashes and be made new...I have a feeling something amazing will happen for you, but first you must go through this pain and then heal! You are a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for!

Good to hear from you and you are in my prayers!🌈💓

Hugs!!

Thanks Shell,

There is so much wisdom in your comments. It’s true we question why things happen the way they do. There are things that we don’t understand. We do need to be willing to move forward in a healthy way. I appreciate your kindness.

Smeshque,

Thanks so much for your encouragement and kindness. It means the world to me. I miss everyone too. Support is helpful.

I did so much for so long on my own and was on autopilot. Compassion from others is a beautiful gift and I truly appreciate it.

I do believe that God designed us all to be family and it’s comforting to know that people are kind and helpful. Thank you.

NHWM, I understand about when we were young that surprises were fun. Then came the sandwich years! Surprise!

Glad you are taking care of yourself. NewStart or NewDay seem appropriate usernames.

(((((Hugs!!)))))

Thanks surprise,

I like NewDay. It has a very positive vibe to me, resonates happiness as well.

You are her servant because you chose to be. Full stop. Too late now, but you should have seen this coming a long time ago, and taken steps to remove yourself from the equation, set some HIGH boundaries, and let the brothers deal with her. She is lucky she even got a hot dog from you. But every time you do anything for her, you have as good as given her permission to treat you like trash. “She will die and I will regret being mad”? What the—HUH? If I were you, my big fear would be that she WON’T die—just go on until she’s 100, being a worse bitch each day. And the mean ones always live for-effin’-ever. Is this the way you want to spend the beginning of your old age? Then, quit! Pick a fight, manipulate her into saying or doing something unforgiveable, and declare the whole thing OVER.

She must really have a load of money to bequeath, for you to abase yourself so routinely. If she doesn’t, you’re doing all this for nothing. Unfathomable.

Emma,

Mom has very little money. My father was very hard working but we were by no means wealthy, simply an average middle class family.

Mom is no longer living in my home. I did set boundaries after being burned out. Yes, some caregivers, myself included, make mistakes and put up with more than we bargained for because we have tried to please those we are caring for. It happens.

Things aren’t always black and white. Caregivers can feel lost and confused in certain situations. There can be extenuating circumstances and we come to this site to vent and find comfort.

I sincerely hope all who are caring for others either in their home or monitoring the situation while their loved one is in a facility is able to achieve a healthy balance of peace and harmony. Meaning, when situations arise as they always do even in the best of circumstances, no one has a problem free life, that issues can be resolved peacefully.

Emma, some "kids" are raised in homes where Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is used to install buttons that parents can use throughout life to shame their children into doing their bidding. Unprogramming those buttons is quite difficult.

We try to be compassionate on this site. This woman has had a long journey towards getting clear of her mom's abusive behavior. Give her a chance.

Here is just my point-of-veiw: As a kid who was programmed to take care of my mother and what I mean by this is to1) fight for her 2) to always be there for her emotionally 3) put my own needs to the side because her needs are first and what I needed wasn't important 4) my life wasn't as important as hers because she was my mom and it was my job to take care of her even if I was just nine years old 5) to clean up her messes 6) she gave me just enough emotions and (so call love) for me to believe that she really did love me, but then went behind my back and stole things from me making me believe that it was my brother and if she could not get what she wanted or needed from me then she guilt trip me and made me feel worst about myself and being a bad daughter. She was very good at that and playing the poor me card! Barb is right about the whole FOG program buttons!

As a kid I didn't know what she was doing and just figure it out a few years ago...I as others here was born with a job...take care of our mothers...not of ourselves! My life has been turn upside down for years wanting the one thing my mother could never give me--love and a mother support! However, us kids in this FOG never see it until we are much older and it is to late!
I have a lot of resentment for my mother from all that she stole from me not just material things, but my love, energy, time, perhaps even the best part of my life and I could have done more with my life had I just left her behind! Trust me, if I knew than what I know now, I would had made different choices!

But now I see it all to clearly as does NHWM and the reprogramming has begun!

Emma, Barb is right unprogramming those buttons are hard. We were kids and trusted our parents because that is how it should be; unfortunately, the parents just see another person to be used! Sigh!

I have little compassion for my mother and I am in a fight every day over not feeling guilty--I did nothing wrong (just loved the wrong person)--and I owe her nothing--I have paid the price to be her daughter--A price that prehaps was to big, but I didn't know it at the time! Now, I do what I can for her, but I put me and my sig others before her--I am learning and so is NHWM and others!

So Emma give us a break--we are learning and trying to change the way we see our mothers and the way we see ourselves!

Shell,

I can’t add to anything you just said because you covered it all so very well.

Nice input, thanks. I have faith in you. You will come out of this on the other end. We both will.

Yep, it’s nice to have someone like Barb on the forum. Isn’t it? Everyone’s voice is important. Some though, speak to us in a personal way. You and I certainly heard what Barb had to say because ‘we lived in that FOG.’

I never had a sister growing but I always wanted one. With brothers like mine I longed for another girl in the house. I feel like we could be sisters, so if you don’t mind we can be sisters in spirit.

Need,

So glad you got up off the floor! I'm still here for you. Let us know what your new screen name is. Peace.

Thanks, NY. Means a lot to me.