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Dad moved in 8 months ago after mom died mainly due to finance and loneliness (OK mainly finance). He wanted to get knee replacement surgery. My sister the RN (who lives many hours away) said he should. I wanted him to lose weight first. Anyhow, be pushed and found a doc to do it (I let him set this up on his own hoping they would not do it) Fast forward to this week. He had surgery Monday, my sister came in for 2 days, then went home. All the time giving me orders. While at the hospital tells the nurses she is one and telling them what he should be doing..... Yeah that went over well. Hence to say they were happy to see her go too. I'm an EMT, it means I can put a band aid on you and help keep you alive to get to the hospital, after that the pros are in change of their own place, so I know what and when to keep my mouth shut and just ask the right questions. Now dad is in rehab. So i have got no work done all week, (lots of snow to move) and run back and forth to the hospital, now rehab, get him his breakfast and dinner (didn't like the hospital food) manage my business and take care of my house! Now it is the phone calls "can you bring me this?" He did not do the 2 pre-op meetings on what to expect, he did not pack any belongings for rehab. He just showed up for surgery and expected everything to be done for him....... Typical, mom did everything for him, pack make plans etc..... So now I have to pack his clothes, walker, prep my house (already did with a previous senior living w me). But there was no pre-planning on his part. He got his shave kit and some underwear out on his bed pre-hospital so I guess that constitutes packing? I told him I would not be making meals for him, the place has good food. He wanted special coffee which I got for him on the way to rehab to make him comfortable when he got there. Oh did i mention I had to arrange his transportation (wheel chair van showed up and we needed an ambulance) and visit and pick the rehab sites for him that he should have done previously? This is a man who a year ago was running his remodeling company with subs and customers and billings...... He has no medical or mental issues, he only moved due to money and being lonely. So my day is getting my wife off to school, run my business, do the shopping, cooking (lots of eating out this week) and tend to him and trying to earn a living. He did not do any physical prep so he is way behind in getting up and about. I am taking the hard approach that "this was your choice, you have to get the motivation to get out of rehab, you have to want this , it is up to you to get out of bed and walk". Yeah I know I am being tough love but I have to. My sister arrived and he just melted, all of a sudden he couldn't walk. When she is around he cant do anything. Different when its me and him because I don't do everything, I will assist when it is absolutely necessary but he can do it. So she left me with everything "I have to go back to work, if you need anything I can come in and be there" Like I need another person in my house to treat like a hotel guest.... or "Dad can stay with me for a few months"..... It will last 3 days as he and my BIL do not really like each other... so she knows it will not happen. I had no clue when I offered to house my dad, don't get me wrong I am not unhappy he is here as it is my duty but even with him ambulatory it is still a lot of work. Day 3 he says, once this heals I will get the other knee done........ He was not happy when I said, lets wait a year and see how things go...... I have to have a life here or we wont have a place to live! SO to all the care givers I feel your pain! My siblings get a fee ride..... I do daily emails to the family to keep them aware of his status. I got one phone call from my brother (the oldest) after surgery then promptly hung up as dad called him at the same time, My sister called because she left something at my house I had to ship home to her and that she was going to call the nurses to tell her how much meds to give my father because "she does this for a living", since then nothing.... To all the care givers I reach out and give you hugs...... because on this end there is nothing.......

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tgengine, it sounds like you're going through a challenging time. We do so much, but end up feeling like we're so mean because we don't do more. But we know if they don't use it, they'll lose it. So the caregiver has to stay a bit tough, with everyone else looking on like "you're so mean."

Your dad sounds like a determined man. I hope you can get him to wait a while on the other knee.
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So, when rehab starts talking to you both about discharge, you ask discharge planners about Independent/assisted living facilities. Your house/life/family are not well suited to having someone as self-centered and non-electric aware as dad is. If he goes to a facility, he will likely be the life of the party and maybe even find a lady friend to lay out his clothes. Stand firm on this. My opinion only, of course.
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The thing that crosses my mind is "reasonable". Is a particular request, expection, behavior reasonable. Bringing him a food that he likes when you're going to visit is reasonable, taking meals twice a day is not. People think when you're working from home or self employed that you have the latitude to drop everything during the day. Work is work, regardless of location. Someone once told me that when you're self employed, you can work parttime - any 12 hours a day you want.

I wouldn't be concerned about your sister trying to tell the nurses what to do - they know how to handle people like that.

And I agree with babalou's suggestion - it's easiest (by no means easy) to transition from rehab than home.
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Went over w dad today, spent about 2 1/2 hours. Took his clothes, he had all sorts of intake questions. Did some PT for about 20 feet. Its a lot of work for him. He will get through this, it will take longer than he thinks. After I vented my aunt sent me a very nice email, it was very timely and well received, I was having a tough day with all of this. It will get better. I told him I will be back in the AM, I need some reprieve tonight and get some work done.He will settle in. He has a nice room with a view of the mountain and snow so its not that bad a place! The food is good and the people are very nice! I am good with where he is at. I did notice whether it is the meds but he is having some issues remembering things, I am sure it is all confusing. I'd like him to do some things that take brain function. The activity person was in but he is not really interested. So I have to find things to occupy his mind. Lots to do, right now I need a break................
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He's in rehab. They are taking care of him. Give yourself a breather, dear.
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tgengine, sounds like you were on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride... take a deep breath. Now make a list for things you are doing for Dad and cross off half of those items. Yes, sometimes we need to use tough love, I am trying to do that with my parents. Oh my gosh, your Dad's recovery will probably take him a year, it takes longer the older one is, and since he is overweight, it's going to be a long climb for him. He might think twice about the other knee.

If surgery was just on Monday, your Dad will have brain fog for awhile. For every hour under, it will take a month to clear. If surgery was 3 hours, 3 months for the fog to lift. If your Dad is concerned about how his mind is reacting, tell him that is normal after surgery.
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So we are into week 2, dad is still in rehab. His sugars have been up and down. For the first week he was like a baby not being able to do anything. He tends to try to do thing on his own but a mess ensues.... This AM he called, he used his urinal on his own "didn't realize" it was full and proceeded to dump it all over him and his bed. So he calls me to go get him new clothes. I have brought him 2 weeks worth of clothes! They are there. In the middle of a 2 foot snow storm where he can clearly see traffic moving slowly outside. He wants me to buy him new cloths and bring them. So after getting all my stuff together and plowing 2 driveways (Not my own yet mind you) I got new clothes and low and behoid he was wearing what we bought him before. But i did notice he is really good now at getting people to bring him his food to his bed vs going to the dining room where everyone else is. He got right back in bed after I got there at 11 AM vs being in his wheel chair to eat lunch and making demands on people to get him things. He is in my mind getting out of control and not making things better for himself. He said the "the PT was h*ll this AM", "Good I said, that is what it is supposed to be".

My concern is that he is melding into this everyone will do it for me and getting used to the wheel chair and bed.
I figured the sugars had something to do with it over the weekend. Should I be concerned to have a mental health pro talk with him to see why he is avoiding working this out?
I have motioned to family to call him and friends. I am just afraid that he will not take this seriously and I will be the one who will be doing all of this in the future. Is this normal after knee replacement? The 94 yo that had his done the same day is itching to get out and going. I see him sliding backwards....... I see him once a day, I call him once a day or he calls me. Not sure what to do here.
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Dad seems to be doing a little better, looks like he will be there for 4 weeks. TBH, even tho I am running there every day and doing his laundry and taking him some food things have been pretty much normal around the house. My wife and I can relax a bit and even the dogs are chilling! It is amazing how much just one person can change a house hold. My wife wants me to see if he can go to my sisters for a month this summer. Hopefully we can arrange that. I love my dad I really do but the past year and a half has been tremendous and I am enjoying a bit of free time before things go back to "normal"? I would like to take my wife away for a couple days while he is in rehab. I know he will be just fine but I don't have any family here to visit him while I am gone. Should I ask a couple friends he knows to visit him while I am gone? The only outstanding issues is part of his PT/OT is doing things for himself. He is dressing and cleaning himself but when I get there he tends to revert and I have to be the tough guy and make him do it himself.I guess this is all part of it..... Anyway thanks for all the support, it is nice to vent and get smart advice when there is no around that understand!
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I think this is an opportunity to reset the boundaries you have established with your dad. You need to make it clear that things are going to be different going forward, that he needs to work hard in rehab because you will no longer be catering to his every whim and you expect him to contribute to his own care. Make it clear that if he refuses to change his behaviour then he can't come back, plain and simple. This time away has given you the opportunity to see just how much his presence in your home has affected your family.
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The first thing you might consider is how much you NEED to do vs how much you THINK you should do. Often, when we care for our parents, we seem to fall into the old "If I do everything you want of me, you'll love me" mode of our childhood. Unless they have dementia(meaning their mental capabilities are no longer 100% functioning adult), our parents are still adults and should do everything for themselves that they possibly can. Your father should be able to get his own meals, or come to the table to have meals with you. He should be able to do his own laundry or at least help with it. I don't care if your mom did that for him before. He's an adult. My mother plays the 'I can't do anything" card with my sister BECAUSE MY SISTER LETS HER DO IT. My mom does not pull the same garbage on me anymore, although she did at first because I didn't see what was happening. And my mom is just as happy to see me after I set the boundaries. Your dad can manage for a few days without you visiting. Or anyone visiting. He can call his own friends and if they want to visit, they can. You aren't required to put your entire life on hold (especially while he is being taken care of by someone else-go play!) While he is in rehab, if he calls you about ANYTHING, ask one of the nurses/caregivers there if he needs whatever that is. None of us gets everything we want, when we want it, exactly how we want it. It's life. You are not required to be at his beck and call, unless you desire to do so. Your mileage may vary.
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Thanks, due to my moving him 7 hours away from family and friends it makes it tough for people to visit. Some of my friends have visited him which I am forever grateful! His sisters have called and sent cards. He has a few cards I have to take over. He seems to like his bed and doesn't want to move much due to the pain. I and the PT people have told him to move or this will all be for naught! Scar tissue will develop and nothing will heal properly. I am now on the road to being the person to be very strict with him. He knows he can play the game with the nurses but not with me. Has anyone experienced this with their parents where they wont do what they are told to do? I do the basics for now for him but while I am there I make him get moving. Once I leave he goes back to just paying there.
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It's frustrating, but there's only so much you can do here. PT is painful, and he has to choose to deal with the pain of PT to get better. Hopefully, he'll come to see that his future mobility will be affected by what he does now. But you can beat your head against the wall ( with a helmet ) and he's still going to do as he chooses.
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Thanks, Linda22 you feel my pain! I think I created a monster. We pick his laundry up every 2 days (bless my wife for doing it, we split the chores). I bought him 4 pairs of sweat pants, the better ones he doesn't like so cheap ones it is! He has some many clothes there I will need a steamer trunk to leave with it. Now he doesn't have enough t shirts or wool shirts, how much does this man go through a day? He can wear sweat pants more than one day, I wear jeans for 4 days before I wash them! He says he uses 2 t shirts a day? Oh well, at least he is clean.....Now I have to go to the store for a 4th time to buy more sweat pants for him because 2 aren't enough. He sits in a chair all day..... He called this AM, getting earlier and earlier every day, I need ..... "so how is the snow in the yard?" We nave about 4 feet here and I have to plow and move snow every day so I guess I was a tad snippy today.... I bring him food every day because the food is not good enough there. He is coming out of his pain meds so now the light is going on. I make what every we have for dinner and vacuum seal it and put it in the fridge, I bring him breakfast food and fresh fruit every day how much do I have to do? And all I get from my sister the nurse is she knows everything! I went yesterday in the middle of a snow storm and then had to leave to plow more..... Bang, bang, bang goes my head... no helmet.....
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Why are you doing all this? Do you think he will accept boundaries when he comes home after running yourself into the ground? This situation reminds me of my late mil, when she would demand my husband to jump,he'd ask how high. The entire family began to avoid her and would block her access. Stop delivering food, he needs to lose weight anyway. Let the rehab do laundry, you're setting precedents that he will expect (or demand) when he gets home. He may have to stay longer if he doesn't do pt. So be it. Let your sister take him home, your wife and family deserve to be your first prioity. I feel sorry for your wife as she's having to deal with this. I've seen marriages go kaput because one of the spouses put a parent first in their life, not their partner.
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The purpose of him being in rehab is to work, not to get you to tend him. Go away for a week, label his clothes, let the in house people do his laundry. And talk to the discharge folks about long term care.
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tg, he isn't going to change this behavior, except perhaps to amp it up. Try looking at this differently - if this were anyone else you love dearly, say your daughter living in the dorm at the local college. Would you be taking her food daily because she hates dorm food, or doing her wash every two days or bringing her more clothes?

You have this breather of a couple weeks to be able to focus on your family, your work, yourself. Please sit down with your wife while it's quiet and objectively assess the situation and what you all need to do/change before your dad is discharged. Ask yourself if you two can continue this way for another couple decades. Not trying to be dramatic, but this may well be the pivotal point for your family where you can determine the path you all go on. For us, the pivotal point was not when my mom needed AL,but 15 years earlier when Dad was in NH, she was able and capable but found she liked having us take care of everything.
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I have been taking care of my parents for five years. They lived with me for three years. Those three years were awful for me and really good for them.
I did about everything. At some point I started using caregivers to help and eventually they moved to AL. It was a real battle of wills on the AL. I am still on call for everything - but I no longer am responsible for all the meals, medicine and cleaning. It is not a perfect solution but it helped save my sanity for a couple of years. Now as they continue to decline, the care and decisions are more intense and the demands are exhausting. I am there everyday and sometimes twice a day and receive at least 5-7 phone calls a day from Hospice, AL and my parents. Decide what you can do and what is the best solution for your dad and your family. It can't be all about him to the exclusion of everyone else in the family. If you don't set boundaries ( and I didn't) - the demands are limitless and will eventually consume your whole life.
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I think I created a monster. So dad is week 2 in rehab for his knee replacement. He goes through clothes like a runway model. I do his laundry, visit him every day, take him food and fruit. He complains about the food so I take him breakfast he can eat, fresh fruit every day and have lasagna or something I can vacuum seal to put in the fridge and eat when he wants. Sometimes he eats the food, he eats the fruit at least. I took him for a follow up appt and to lunch. Now he wants me to take him out again this weekend now that he figured he can go out for 4 hours at a time. I was planning on his granddaughter to go see him and now it is "take me out for dinner"! OK, lets look at this , we have 4 feet of snow right now, he has seen the 6 foot piles in the city and no normal person who treks mountains for a living cant navigate the sidewalks. There is ice every where., There is not a day I don't plow my driveway open right now. He wants me to take him out for dinner? Oye! I was looking at this on the bright side that I would have some me time for the first in a year and a half to get work done (I work at home) or have some sanity. Nope, "bring me a coffee, fruit, buy me new clothes..... I need"...... He must be feeling better, now all he does is complain about the food, medicine, being locked up.... THIS WAS HIS IDEA! ....... Head, wall.... no helmet!
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Tg, please go back and re-read all the answers you've received. I'm not sure why you are continuing to "do" for dad when he's in a facility where he's getting food, care and presumably laundry done.

Are you looking for love from him? He sounds like a narcissist. There is not going to be an end to these demands, they will only become bigger and more outrageous. Go out to dinner? With this amount of ice? "NO, I COULD POSSIBLY DO THAT" is a useful phrase .
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tg, the thing with self absorbed people is they have no problem with taking advantage of your innate kind nature to get what they want. Their situation is always more important than yours, and they have no concern for what you have to do to make their situation more to their liking. There is generally no end to the expectations and demands. It's quite lousy to have to be saying "no" or "that's not possible" over and over, it feels odd because we are kind folks. And you come to resent being forced into going against your nature. But you have to because nothing is ever enough and folks like this have no qualms about using you up.
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Couldn't possibly do that, I meant.
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You've said he was overweight. You've said you are bringing him lasagne leftovers. Hmmm. Could it be that the nutritionists who work for the facility have created healthy, nutritious dinners of just the right number of daily calories he needs? And you have undermined their efforts with your efforts to earn dad's approval?

This man has been spoiled all his life. As you said his wife did everything for him. However, he made the decision as an adult to move in with you, away from his home town. Chances are, no one would be visiting him there either because he is *quite* demanding.

You don't see this yet, but your family can only take so much from you ignoring them. Put your family first. Give dad the choice, Independent or asst living, or sister's house. Anywhere but coming back to your house. It's time for you to have a life of your own and not sacrifice the rest of your life for dad's ease.
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I just went back and read your posts from last summer, when dad first moved in. While he's in rehab, PLEASE have him evaluated for depression and cognitive impairment. There is usually a geriatric psychiatrist who calls in at these places once a week.
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So while dad was in rehab I did have him checked out with a counselor. He seemed fine, a little depressed on the situation. So he is out now and home. He went to rehab and all I got was this nasty virus. The first 2 days was him with vomiting and diarrhea. So I spent 2 days De-conning my house and doing laundry, then it hit me. Oh not so good. Now it is days filled with PT/OT/Home health care coming in and balancing his meds and any time he gets pain its pain pills. We are trying to ween him off them. My wife is a saint, she puts up with all of this. My house now smells like a nursing home, I try everything. Next is a baby diaper pail to put his dirty clothes in, Once he is more mobile he will be back to doing his laundry. He is becoming accustomed to room service. After coming home early from work yesterday, spending the day dealing with PT/OT people, his meds and me on the couch in gastric pain I had to leave for an important work. I made his breakfast and took it up to him so he didn't have to leave his room. I check on him all morning until I can come home. I get home and his workds were "I was going to make a remark about the room service" I tell him all the time not to because I do resent it. I am not his butler, maid or chef. He makes comments all the time. My wife made chicken broth for me last night. While she was doing that he chimes in he likes his chicken soup this way, then proceeds to tell her the carrots were not cooked to his liking.....
This is not a hotel restaurant! I do get annoyed. The entire time in rehab took him home cooked meals, fresh friut, cereal he liked, did his laundry... visited him every day took him out to lunch twice.... If he doesn't make a smart remark about something then it is good. but he makes remarks and thinks its funny. I tell him all the time not to. I was blessed with my mother who taught me to make sure I tell people "thank you" and appreciate what they do for you. I tell my wife all the time "thank you". How do I get it through to him that this is the way you get treated nicely in life.
I am not looking for someone to bow down, just a thank you once in a while. I know he gets pain, so do i, but all I do is wait on him and while I signed up for this and it is my duty how do I change 79 years of the way he is when he absolutely knows better. Now with home visits I think he is enjoying the attention... Also I have to set them straight on with the progress really is, he tells them not always the truth!
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Why did you not avail yourself of the opportunity to find him a nice Independent Living facility while he was in rehab? Did you expect his behavior to change?
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"How do I get it through to him that this is the way you get treated nicely in life." This statement seems ironic to me, you obviously treat him like a king despite his bad behavior. He has no incentive to change and you are obviously unwilling to change your own behavior. Your wife must be a saint.
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Yeah, I pretty lucky with my wife, she is awesome! She wants to explode but I ask her not to. He asked today if I was upset with him because I was not talking. First of all i am in the middle of my work day. Second as soon as I start to make a short lunch for me he comes into the kitchen and stands behind me as I am in his way.... It is hard to do things one way and someones else s way. There is no money for him to live on his own, he has a couple hundred left each month and when he starts getting out again there is nothing left a the end of the month. He manages money by looking at his account online to see what checks have been cashed. He is getting around better but he is back to his old ways. Last night I was making dinner and a dessert, he takes the plate of brownies off the counter while I was working with them, eats a piece and leaves the plate on the island and walks away..... like nothing ever happened........ or comes down the stairs for church while I have to drive him. sits down and says someone needs to get me a band aid. Did you think of asking for one? Its the little things......
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tg, just a suggestion, but you might want to look into Plan B (independent living, subsidized senior housing, etc.) for your dad before your awesome wife does explode. It's much better to do the research, look at options while things are calmer than when you get into full crisis mode. In the meantime, you might consider pulling back from the butler, maid, chef roles and let him to do more for himself (whatever is appropriate to his level of rehab).
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Things are getting better, it is just the little things. It is like dealing with a child but with a child you can reprimand them without feeling guilty. Like "dad, put your dishes in the dishwasher and take them out of your living room" or "Dad will you take a shower?" It's hard to make these suggestions. When PT comes to the house he is always full of sarcasm, I tell him, it is not the time nor the place but he does not listen so I come off as the hard headed one or the mean son while I am watching over his meds, appointments, care etc..... He got released from PT today at home but still under the nursing care because he wants to drive. I am holding that back as he is still on pain meds. How do you deal with a parent when you have to treat them almost like a child? I don't want him to move to independent living and he clearly cannot afford it at all nore would it be beneficial for him as he cannot function on his own (he could if he wanted to). Oh, now I hear him upstairs, he found the Ovalteen (there goes his sugars) dang, just like having a kid in the house.
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Re-read a few of your sentences. Why are you living his life.? He is not going to change and it will get steadily worse. Stop being so competetive with your sister and let her share the fun. When that falls apart, he cannot come back to your house (just listen to your wife!) He can afford subsidized housing. Believe me, I was the wife who finally exploded twice. The first time, told the husband I was tired of him spending more time with his mother than me and our kids. I told him to move into an apartment with mommy. He got really angry but did listen. The 2nd time, I reamed his mommy out (not proud of that.) She was so shocked, that she couldn't come up with an answer. But, things improved 100%after that. Since he would not set boundaries, I did. She stopped asking for whatever I was wearing which did not fit her anyway. And, she accepted the word no without a problem. Believe me, your wife and kids can only take so much.
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