The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

I've gained 3 lbs since my last doctor's visit. I now weigh 107.5 lbs. I'm gaining weight and it's all going to my stomach. I really do look like I'm pregnant. I need to go and use that exercise machine. I no longer fit my petite 6 slacks and jeans.

Well.. my original kindle (2012) is messing up. It's skipping pages as I read. I guess it's time to retire it. As soon as I transfer stuff to the 2013 kindle, I will de-register my old one.

Bonnie, I went directly to the insurance after I was told by the clinic that they don't do house calls. The insurance was very firm, no-nonsense in telling me that they don't do house calls. Period. My dad has Medicare. The home care nurses comes once a week to check his vitals. No doctors. Just nurses. My SIL's mother had Medicaid. The doctors did house calls.

I'm glad that your mom's insurance does allow house calls. It makes so much of a difference, doesn't it? Trying to get an elderly to the clinic/ER is like pulling teeth. Wait.... dad rather have his teeth rot and bear the pain than to go to the dentist. So, yeah, taking an elderly IS like pulling teeth. =)

My grown nephews told their father of the confrontation. It seems they didn't tell him everything. Bro did not know that they confronted his tenants with bat/metal pipe. He told me that he already told them what 'defending your castle' is. What they did was not defending the castle. I guess I spilled the beans. Oops.. Not really.

The whole island is now on power rolling outages. Scheduled power outages. I should have the flashlights and lanterns ready. I had the afternoon off but had to cut it short. I'm a terrible driver. I hate it when the traffic lights are not working. And majority of business I visited were on generator power - with the air con not working up to par. I asked the Kmart cashier if it's hot or maybe it's my hot flash. She said it's hot. I hope to buy a bag of 25 lbs rice and some eggs tomorrow.

Had my appointment today. I had my hearing tested. I was shown a booth with lots of dots/holes on it. As soon as I walked in, I had very bad vertigo. The dot/holes were like moving . I tried to keep my eyes in one place, but the holes were still moving. The nurse noticed immediately that something was wrong. I finally had to lean against the wall and stare downwards to stop the vertigo. Upon finishing it, when she opened the door, as I stood up, my whole body was weaving. Off-balanced. Doc prescribed nasal spray, Amoxi-Clav antibiotics and Loratadine (antihistamine.) She FINALLY said that if these don't work, she will refer me to the ENT. She did some facial, throat and neck pressures. She said that I have pressure inside. I nodded so emphatically. I told her that I can feel it. I'll start the meds tomorrow....

My mom has an HMO and they sent a doctor to the house and a portable X-ray machine. See if yours will do that

Book, I hope it is not too late for the medical profession to help him when he finally does ask for help. Nothing more you can do that you are not already doing for your dad. As for you, please be careful with your back because you could rupture a disk or something worse. I am thinking of you and praying for your continued strength mentally and physically!

It's going to have get really bad before he will seek help. Tonight, he was coughing and coughing. The nurse told me that when he's coughing, to thump his back. I tried that on Sunday when he was coughing. He weighs more than me, fatter than me. I couldn't even force him to turn or sit up so that I can thump his back. I stopped when I felt my back twinge. I sometimes get these very sharp lower back pain. Sometimes it's so bad, I can't breath during the shooting pain.

Tonight, I noticed he's forcing himself to cough up the phlegm. He just kept hacking into the tissue trying to dislodge it. It's now a wait-and-see situation. I bring it up once in a while to go to the clinic or ER. He refuses.

Book, I remember reading some of those posts you speak of when your dad was last in the hospital. I don't want you banging your head against the wall either. In a way though you are doing just that with all the extra work you are doing because he won't go to the doctors or hospital to be taken care of. I know your dad doesn't listen to females. It is clear your brothers don't care about your dad or you either. I wish you could shake them into seeing how not getting help hurts both your dad and you. Sad nothing changes in your situation. Nothing ever changed with the rotten family I had either. All you can do is take care of yourself the best you can.

I was watching HouseHunting while changing dad's pamper tonight. They started the show with a short snapshot of what the couple wanted for their new home. The wife listed hers. The husband said, "All I want - is No Ghost." I burst out in laughter. Dad kept asking me what's wrong. I kept giggling throughout the first 15 minutes of the show. The man said No trees near the house because of the ghost. I laughed aloud. I said to myself that there's no ghosts in trees. Just in the spirit trees. And the mango tree in front. And the lemon tree... I giggled as I realized why he said no trees because of the ghost.

Then the real estate guy takes them to the 2nd house. Right next door to an old cemetery of the 1700-1800s. I laughed at the man's reaction to that. The realtor said that the ghosts stay in their cemetary, just as they stay in their house. Uhm... has anyone told That to the cemetery ghosts?

The realtor showed the basement. Even before the man said anything, I said that I would never go down there! (Too many horror movies involve scary dark basements.) The man took one look and said, "I'm not going down there." I laughed. Oh my gosh! I thought I was the only one who has ghost-phobias! Vivid imagination of where ghosts would be....

Shilo, I wished that I had copied and pasted the Exact thread link in which I went like crazy trying to get dad to go to the hospital/clinic when I Knew he had pneumonia. I came on here panicking, etc... I called APS, went to the elder law attorney, the insurance to waive their policy that forbids doctor's home visits, (and the insurance gave me a number to call - APS!). LadeeM and others told me that I need to stop banging my head against the wall. My dad is so stubborn that he Will finally call 911 when the pain gets to him. They guaranteed me that the pain Will make him want to go.

And they were right -somewhat. My dad withstood the pain. But he couldn't handle the struggling to breathe. I remembered his words to me as I was getting ready to leave for work in the morning. He told me to call 911 and he wants to go to the ER. I asked why. He said that he cannot breathe. He mentioned nothing about the pain. Just the breathing problem.

I'm not going to repeat this scenario again. I told the nurse. The home care nurses know how my dad is. I reminded her this past Saturday that dad will not listen to us because we're females. And females know nothing.

Sis is finally locking all the doors. I told her about the man on the 3rd or 4th floor of the apartment. He's been standing on the balcony staring at all of us. He told my nephew that he knows all of our schedules and made some sexual comments about nephew's wife and his sister (teacher niece.) He had attacked my nephew and tried to throw him down the stairs. All was recorded on the apartment's hallway security camera. Nephew pressed charges and the guy went to jail for a few months. He's back. And I'm sure he's vindictive and is waiting to strike back at my nephew/family.

I told sis to be careful - with that man back. I told her that he was staring at me yesterday as I was leaving the house in the morning to go to work. He will know that the renter next door, my brother's family are gone all day. Only oldest sis and dad are alone in this land. He can commit a violent crime with no one nearby to hear them screaming for help.

Sis no longer unlocks the kitchen back door and the livingroom door. I think what did the trick was that he made sexual comments about nephew's wife and saying that he can have sex with my teacher niece (who has a steady boyfriend and a child from him.) I think, sis realized that this guy is crazy enough to rape her. Every women's secret deep nightmare.

JessieBelle, that's like history repeating itself. Deja vu. She's either playing mind games with you (to drive you crazy) or she's depress and wishes to join him. Either way, don't let it show that it's affecting you. Be nonchalant. {{Hugs}}

I'm a bit in the twilight zone today. My mother has been thinking about my father. This is normal, since they were married for 65 years. Today she sat in his chair, looking out the window like he did for 10-15 years. He sat there that long with life passing him by. In the last 5 years he got up from that chair only to go to bed, the bathroom, or to get a treat. He just sat and looked out the window or ordered from catalogs. I so hated seeing my mother doing the same thing today. It was terrible watching him waste away in that chair. It is even worse watching her try to imitate him.

Book, You are absolutely correct about them buying their own security camera.

PS Book you can probably borrow a book from the library on simple plumbing or make Dad pay for a plumber.

Book I have little in the way of plumbing skills but what you are describing sounds like you need a new washer for the faucet, that will cost just pennies. Stay away from glue unless you know what you are doing. You could be making a bigger mess than you are fixing.
For your front door you can get one of those peephole things like they have in hotels so you can look out before you unlock the door.

When I came home after work, teacher niece intercepted me. She told me that her brothers were not doing anything wrong. They had the legal right to 'defend their castle ’. I said that's not defending your castle. Defending your castle is when someone is attacking you in your home, then you have the legal right to defend yourself with objects. I said that no one was attacking your brothers. THEY approached the neighbor who just arrived home with weapons. I could tell she thinks I'm wrong.

She then had the nerve to say that they think I should angle our outside camera (positioned to see who is approaching our porch) to aim higher so that we can see into the whole yard between our house, her father's rental house and their duplex apartment! I got pissed off. I told her that we got the camera to see who is on our porch. I asked her how many times she knocked on our door and scared me when I opened it? I think that our camera should actually be aimed downward more so that I can see who is knocking at the door!

My brother has 4 grown up adult children who have jobs. My brother and his retired wife makes more money than I do. If their stuff is being stolen, then they can buy their own security cameras.

I texted SIL about our leaking faucet attached to the washing machine on Saturday. Asked if my brother can replace it. On Sunday evening, I saw it wasn't fixed. So I texted asking the size and I will buy it. No response. So I took a photo of it with the iPad and will take it to the hardware store and ask the clerk for assistance. If he can't tell the size, I'll just have to buy the different sizes. I will also buy that white stuff that seems to be a glue. Then on the weekend, I will look for YouTube videos to show me how to change it. I hope I don't break the PVC pipe that's attached to the wall and the leaking faucet.

Book, I know your dad doesn't like going to the doctors...who does really but from what you have been saying he really needs to be seen before he gets so bad he ends up in the hospital again. You may have been trying to tell him all along he needs medical attention and will only get worse. He could realize this and decide not to do anything about it which is his right. The problem with that is you are suffering too since you have to take care of him and it is extra work on top of the usual care already being given to him. I am not saying anything you do not already know Book. I just want you to know someone cares about you and is concerned for Book. {{{Book}}}

Home care nurse told me that Dad is wheezing. I said yes, I know. I told you about this months ago. She denied it. I insisted. I said that I mentioned it to her, she listened to his chest, and she heard nothing. I then asked her if the wheezing is from his left chest. She stared at me surprised. She said yes. I told her that the last time dad went to the hospital for 2 weeks, his left lung was almost filled with fluid. It took 1 week for the drainage. And the doctor wanted dad to stay longer so that they can find where the leak is coming from. Dad refused. He wanted out. So, what can they do? They released him without finding out where the fluid is coming from. And he was SUPPOSE to follow up with his doctor but... We know how THAT is.

I then proceeded to tell her that since the time dad was bedridden, 3 years ago, he has never ever changed position. He is 24/7 on his back. Her mouth literally opened and stayed in that position as she stared at me. "He never changed position?!" Nope. He absolutely refuses. She stared at me and said that it is very remarkable that he doesn't have any bedsores. Amazing. I told her that since his last bedsore when he bled a lot out of it, I've been very good at making sure he never got one. She proceeded to turn to my dad and lecture him about everything - changing positions, sitting upright, getting off the bed (to the wheelchair), etc... It's just going in one ear and out the other. She can talk herself blue and he won't listen. I quietly told her that she's a female. He only listens to male.

Learned a new shortcut on typing in an iPad. When typing and you need to go to the numbers/symbols keyboard, I usually hit that ".?123" button on located bottom left. I get irritated when typing that after hitting the symbol, it doesn't automatically switch to the ABC keyboard like the Kindle. I found the trick. Just tap and hold your finger on the ".?123", then glide your finger to the symbol and let go. Where your finger left off, that symbol/number pops up and your keyboard automatically goes back to the alphabet keys.

Oh my gosh! What is it with these baseball bats? It must be a worldwide phenomenon because that's exactly what my nephew had when he confronted the neighbors.

I hope the nurse can come back later Book?

The cave man gene seems to lurk in the hearts of even the most reasonable men. Years ago when my brother was still living there were a series of car break-ins in the neighbourhood, everybody figured it was some local teens. Bro's reaction? He got a baseball bat and propped it by the door and let everyone know what would happen to anybody messing with his stuff. Ugh, men!

Home care nurse came today. She's so proud that I've been adding other solids to dad's meal intake. What she doesn't know is those d*rn nutrient drinks cost $83 per case of 24 nutrient drinks! Dad buys 2 boxes a week. Then there's the cost of pampers, wipes (goes through 1 refill box a week), etc... His retirement is very low compared to what others have posted about their parents retirement. He's spending more than his income and his bank account is dwindling. So, I'm trying to get him to eat solids, etc.. except the food hurts his teeth.

She was going to do irrigation for his catheter when we heard yelling outside. I was ignoring it. But niece mentioned it. Then the nurse. I said that I hear it but I'm trying to ignore it. I guess I should go out and see what's happening. My 2 grown up nephews of next door were accusing the tenant of his friends stealing their stuff. That tenant purposely crashed into my nephew's brand new car out of spite. (For over 10years this tenant lived and never hit a parked car. But now, when my nephew bought his new car, pimped it up, etc... and the tenant happened to crash into it?) So, I came out and told my nephews to just call the police and let them handle it. Nope, they preferred to do the caveman tactics. Oldest nephew went to prison for about 2 years. Now him and his younger brother approached the tenant with aggression. I told them to back down. They were ignoring me. I grabbed the oldest one and whispered urgently that I don't want his younger brother to go to prison. This younger nephew was the one that I interrupted when he tried to kick his girlfriend out of the house at midnight. I threatened to call the cops on him. This nephew thinks he's bad*ss. I can see him going into prison - and being shown how bad*ss he is. Oldest nephew is ... a charmer. Male and female like him. When he went to prison, he somehow ended up under the protection of one of the top dogs. I'm sure this nephew owes BIG to this inmate. Major Big IOU. I don't ask. I don't want to know. And now him and his younger brother were doing something stupid today. They can be arrested - being the aggressor, the instigator. Fools. Oldest nephew finally persuaded me to leave. I guess it's best because if they became physical, I would have ended up trying to break it up. And get hurt. And arrested as part of the 'riot'. When I realized that it might escalate to that, and nephew urgently telling me to leave, I did just that.

The nurse stood there. She was just going to move her car away from the 'action.' I told her that it's best if she leave. She kept saying that she still needed to do the irrigation. I told her very firmly that I think it's best she leaves. And she did. I don't know how critical it is for dad's catheter to be irrigated but the situation was becoming volatile and I needed her to be gone. Even fave niece grabbed her 2 kids and decided to leave.

Silly nephews. They were doing that caveman thing - thumping their chests and telling the tenant and others that everyone in the neighborhood knows not to mess around with them. Yeah,...fools... And to confront the tenant in front of his wife and their young daughter..

I, uhm, didn't think of this when I bought that skier-like exercise machine. You know, the kind that has skis, hanging on a rope, and you grab those 'stick' so that your feet moves effortlessly front/backwards? I tried it this afternoon. I put one foot on, then shakily put on the 2nd foot. And I almost flew backwards. So, I grabbed the railing. Until it stopped moving. Whoa! Major vertigo! Once the vision stopped moving, I tentatively moved my feet back and forth. Ohhhh, myyyyy...

I have astigmatism. When I park my car, put it on park, and about to turn off the ignition, the car next to me starts to leave its parking stall. I get major, really bad major vertigo. I swear, my car is moving, and my whole world starts spinning. I have to grab the steering the wheel and try not lost my balance. Once it's no longer spinning, I feel so disoriented.

Well, uhm... that ski exerciser? Made me seasick. Or motion sickness. However, the brief time I was on it, my heart was beating fast. Of course, it could have been beating fast because the vertigo hit me while I was on the skier, and my greatest fear was falling backwards due to disorientation.

Oldest sis chuckled as she watched me get off the machine (not even 30 seconds!) and I was walking wobbly. She told me to maybe try it again - but this time without my eye glass (progressive lens sucks! It drives me crazy that i have to move my whole head when reading at my work's large computer screen.)

Niece texted me at 230pm. The 1st text said that grandpa touched his poop. The 2nd text was that it really stinks. I texted back that I was coming home. When I arrived, my 4 year old nephew was quick to tell me that grandpa pooped. Niece felt bad that I had to change him when she was the one babysitting him. (She covered for me in the weekends, changed his pampers, etc.. when I was on my 2 week vacation last year.) She just couldn't handle the smell of his poop. She really did try to help me. She was on the other side of 'grandpa.' But once I opened his pamper, she started choking. She asked to be excused because her whole body was heating up and the smell... the smell was so bad, she cannot handle it. Oh well, it was the thought that counts. And she really did try to help me.

I've always wanted to try the No No but it was too expensive. Phoenix, if I checked the consumer reports, I'm sure that would change my mind permanently.

Stacey, I wish that my family would pull together like with your parents. I have a friend whose family did that. Recently a client told me that he has heard that a lot of family here on island have left only 1 family member to do the caregiving. He said that a male coworker is like in my situation. He has to work full time and still take care of his mother. At his mother's house, his brother (doesn't have a job) lives there, too, and his mother absolutely refuses to this brother help caregive her. Sounds familiar? I wasn't surprised. His brother must be the Golden child. Ugh! Atleast oldest sis does babysit my dad.

Talking about oldest sis. I always complain how she doesn't clean the bathroom, etc... Every time I come home from work, the kitchen sink's strainer is filled. I empty it. And end of night, it's back to being full. I try to keep it free from food because I hate cockroaches. Yesterday morning, I went to the sink and found a very full lizard. It ate so much that it couldn't crawl back out. I'm terrified of roaches. Sis is terrified of lizards. I rarely scream over a lizard. They can land on my legs or my head and I wouldn't scream. They're not as disgusting as roaches. When I saw that lizard in the sink, I smiled so widely and left it alone. Let sis handle it.

Well, she must have gotten back at me. When I came home from work lastnight, the sinks strainer was full and the sink was filthy. All well.....

Pam, that temptation to overnight... Is like a two way sword. It will remind you what normal life is like and a stronger desire not to go back to your reality. I'm glad that you did enjoy yourself.

Can't use ear plugs since I have tinnitus. Music or tv as background noise? It will activate my mind and definitely can't sleep. I need complete silence and darkness. Usually reading here in the middle of the night puts me to sleep. Not tonight. I'm going to count sheeps (which never worked before.)

Ohhhh, I hope it's UTI and not sundowning. It's 3:53am. I've spent an hour ignoring his constant rant. I finally got up when his rant blended into my dream. One scenery after another until suddenly we were in the hospital. Somehow dad became this little skinny girl who was an abandoned child. Over and over, she was saying what my dad was saying. I finally woke up out of fear when one of the nurses took an interest in the little girl and accuse me of neglect.

Dreams reveal your deepest thoughts, deepest fears. I have never hid on this site of my fear of elderly neglect..... Why on earth do I want to take care of myself so that I can take care of my "loved one "? That's not a very sound reasoning to me. I'm still fighting myself over POA, over going to my doctor for my daily headaches, etc... Half of me is wishing for death so I'm finally done with caregiving and the other half wants to live.

As I sat in the bathroom, I know that my siblings will not help. They didn't help when it was mom. They didn't help when dad became bedridden and I was all by myself with 2 bedridden parents- with one of them in a vegetative state on stomach tube, trache and oxygen. As I sat there, I realized I won't be able to handle full time work and my dad's sundowning.

If I die or get a stroke and become bedridden, they will NOT step in. They will let oldest sis take over all by herself. When she collapses, oldest brother will step in and somehow deal with the situation. He will not want to lose the house and land.

End of vent. I'm sooooo sleepy and tired... I guess I would be accused of neglect if I packed my pillows and blankets and went to my bedroom to sleep, leaving bedridden, confused dad by himself. He tries to get off the bed and falls. It will be hours before anyone comes through the livingroom. Sigh..So here I stay in the living room with him. Trying to sleep.

I'm pretty frugal Shilo... and working on cleaning the "extras" out of my house ( see I do pay attention!!) Maybe we should just hand them our money when we walk into the casino... but the trip would be over way too fast!

Pam, You may have been better off shopping if you spent the money on something useful. I would hate to see you buy something you didn't need then find it in your yard sale next year.

Well I am OK!! A friend and I went to the casino for a few hours.. We decided we should have just gone shopping, at least we would have something to show for our money...LOL But we had a great time. We were going to stay at our place by the river overnight.. but they are calling for rain.. so we came home. Can I just say I was tempted to tell hubs and Mom that we were staying, and just go back for a relaxing night ALONE... But I was a good girl...

Book, I agree with Stacey about gathering everyone together and explaining your dad at anytime could get worse quickly and you will need help from all of them. Do not try to do this yourself. There are several things that could be going on this time. It maybe his mental state is deteriorating, he maybe bored and need different stimulation in his room, he could have a UTI which is causing confusion and mental change, or something else is going on. If you have noticed any other issues I would contact his physician and have him seen to determine what is really going on so you know how to proceed. These are changes in his behavior his doctor should be made aware of and checked out ... in my opinion. Take care and good luck with your exercise machine.