This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I get off on tangent now and again, too much time spent with elders, the lines are starting to blur.... hugs to you all today. sorry, ASG, this is our life...but we have each other, helps us not feel so alone...
Starri, the depth of your compassion for your brother is truly amazing. And yes, he does need to help.. I can only imagine how he must be feeling with everything that is happening.
I can't imagine how you could be doing any more than you already are. The idea you had about putting all the meds up except for the daily ones sounds like a good idea. Maybe it would seem less overwhelming for them.
My heart goes out to you sweetie ( please don't be offended by the "sweetie" word, it is a southern thing, I call seeme that too!!) and trying to be everywhere at once. This is a hard job, regardless of what it entails... hugs and prayers to you and your family, not the other brothers, I don't hug selfish people.....will be checking on you today... hugs across the miles to you..
I have a brother in California who only manages to show up when someone is dying, he came out here 4 years or so ago, just before our dad died, he did make it once last year and no one was dying, and now he just "graced" us with his appearance for a week, Mom's dying so of course he has to show up.
Told him when he left from the last visit that he didn't have to wait for someone to be dying before he showed up again. Don't think he liked that one, but it was how I felt.. The other brother besides the baby, is a stone drunk and rarely see's a sober breath, now he has his own issues to deal with.
I know that I can't tell Jerry that he can't help with mom, he has to feel like he is giving to her care as well. It just makes it extra hard on me when I am having to watch him and her at the same time, and make sure nothing goes wrong with the meds.
Sweet Dreams
Must say goodnight....Starri, honey, get you some sleep...today is another day.
Her Dr. when we found out she had cancer, referred us over to hospice, the nurse comes out 2 to 3 times per week, and her CNA is now starting to come out 3 times per week. The one thing that I love about Hospice is the respite care they offer, she can go to the hospice house for 5 days every 90 days to give me a break, or like I tease her, give her a break from us.
Thank you ladies for your suggestions on what to do about the medication challenges, I have two sets of pill boxes, one for the evening and one for the morning. Both plainly marked, if I have to be gone during the time that a dose is due, I take that days medications and put it in a separate container, mark it clearly as to when it is to be taken, if there are additional pain meds due, those are marked for the scheduled time as well, all this is left on top of the desk her by her bed. It should be simple enough that a 6 year old who can tell time could take care of it, But both of these two get confused and I come back to find her meds all ramshackle, thankfully they have not managed to over dose her.
I'm thinking put all the bottles and bags into a container, maybe out of sight out of mind will help with them handling it. If all they see are the ones that I have put out for them, then maybe they won't start thinking there is something else they need to take.
Trying to fit my brother in on the helping is hard given the fact his memory is where it is. I can't push him away, she's doing the best that she can, either side effects of the medications or the cancer is messing with her mind. I tell her at least three times what the pills are that I had just given her to take
Got to try and get some rest this evening, if I keep it up at the rate I am going, going to end up in the hospital myself.
Take Care
Edwards being indicted. Mom was fascinated with him when he ran for Pres. and finding out about wife with cancer, mistress, etc., and we get all the news about who was going before the grand jury, etc. Well, thae station stayed on the air for a full hour, showing him leaving his house and driving to Winston-Salem like he was O.J. Simpson. I parked mom in front of the TV in the kitchen and she watched the whole hour. She got a good look at his house in Chapel Hill which is a big sprawling place.
Just before dinner she has to go to the bathroom and she asked me if Edwards dug a hole for a bathroom outside cause ya got to go somewhere ! WTF? I said mom he's probably got 8 bathrooms in the house ! Well, if you go stand out there, ya got to go somewhere ! Well, mom I'm going to take you to your bathroom. Is it out by the garage? no, mom. We have one in the house just for you. GEEZ ...................
How was your day?? Did you get your shopping done? I get to go buy new shoes tomorrow, does this make me a grown up???? Oh I hope not,,, love everyone, later...
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can see that you need help. You can't go on like this without getting a break yourself. Please see if Medicare will pay to have someone come over and evaluate your mother to see what she may qualify for. Please go through her doctor if you can. Do it for your own sanity and come back here to let us know how things are going.
You have to follow your heart sandra, you have to decide what is best for you and your husband. I don't give suggestions about placing a loved one in a Nursing Home, that is something for you to choose. But maybe YOU need to go to the DR. and get a good check up. Crying all the time is not good. And this job can be very depressing, as it is hard work 24/7.
Are there any agencies in your area like Home Health that can come out and at least bathe her? I know you are past exhausted , so maybe you need to take care of yourself first, then maybe you can make decisions about your mom..
I know you said money is short, well, just take some from here and there and put together enough to at least get yourself more healthy...
Please come back and tell us more and vent and cry and just keep talking. Sometimes it is thru the talking things out I have found my answer....
Hugs to you, please stay in touch...
I got interrupted by my front yard guys......they just wanted to tell me about the HUGE snake that crawled out of our garage and they saw the col heading south down the driveway.....that must have been before I busted her. It's not even 5 o'clock here......
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I now care for my moma and thank god she has all her facilties but is phically disabled and over her life time she now is dependent on me for all the help with the basis of living. i get flustrated because i am not a home body at all and she is content to sit at home. but i have no money and her income is all we have to live on for the month. so i try to really extended the first part of the month when we go somewhere and take all day doing outings so i can at least go somewhere out and away from the house an moma has learned that YES we will go OUT and eat when we are out.
HANG IN THERE JAM AND WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONE we also think of you on a daily basis even if we are not on the site
caregiver and friend TRUECOLORS
ladee.......I didn't think fast enough last night.........the concrete has already set up and now I can't get her out there! She would have made a nice perch for the birds.
I'm so glad that you are in a happy position....do you eat bananas? I think of Ruth every time I do!
Woke up this morning to an orange front yard. Called the "straw boss" and landed in his lap......if momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy!!!!!!! I'm normally pretty easy to get along with, but I do not want my front yard looking like something a toddler would have drawn. They got the stamp off kilter in a couple of spots and didn't bother to fix it. So they all should be here shortly and we will have a nice little talk.
starri......I put out the col's meds in a weekly container. Then I have one of those small ones for am and pm. In the evening I take her meds for that night and watch her take them and then leave her am meds. I keep track of them that way and sometimes she will get up very early in the morning, like 2 am, and be confused and take the am meds and then start beeping me on the intercom around 11 that "I don't have any morning pills". Yes you do, I gave them to you last night, and you took them already. "I don't think so". That the scenario EVERY SINGLE TIME she does that. But doling them out that way keeps me on track so I know for a fact when she takes her morning. And I know she won't take extra. When we first moved her here, she was still capable of medicating herself and when I went to get her bottle to refill I saw that she had gone 10 days without her pm meds....so I took control of them. If we go anywhere for more than one night, I will give the weekly container to the woman who watches her and she does the same thing I do with the smaller container.
Bout time for my front yard boys to be here, better get my Valium on board...:)
seeme.......how's the bunnies? Going to go check my peas in a little while, probably need to water them.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
ASG.....I think I have told you before that I LOVE your stories !! Please keep them coming...
Jam...I thought about you fitting col with concrete shoes, but Ladee beat me to it. Is Target supervising?
I have to share about "Sonny", he is the husband of the couple I take care of...He has Alz, but is at the first stages and is so sweet and funny. Him and I go for a walk every morning before it gets too hot. We'll be walking along, chatting, and he will just stop. I stop to see what he is doing.. he is looking at leaves that the wind or squirrels have knocked down from the trees.. sometimes he picks them up, and then sometimes he will say he wonders how those things got out of that tree....Sometimes I have to "fill in the blank" as he will loose a word. It got up to 101 yesterday so we didn't get to spend much time outside... so when I got ready to leave he follows me out the door. I said " do you need something Sonny?" His reply, " no, I'm going with you", Took a few minutes to get him back in the house, Ms. M , his wife, is so patient with him... " Sonny, she doesn't live here, but she will be back tomorrow". He looked so sad... but went back in the house...
I cut his fingernails yesterday, got them all looking nice, and you would have thought he won the lottery!!! He is very sweet and kept saying thank you. Then he goes in and shows Ms. M, like it was the first time he had ever had his nails cut, he was so proud, kept showing her until she finally said, "Sonny, didn't you want to lay down for awhile", then like the little happy camper he is, off to the couch he goes, lays down, and is out like a light... He wouldn't eat his lunch, so I suggested an ensure. He LOVES chocolate, so gave him one and he just went on and on about how good it was....
I am seeing Ms.M easing out a little more each day. She has MDS, has had it for about 8 years, has to have blood transfusions every two weeks,so there are days she is very tired.. but she has her mind, sharp as a tack... she is not bossy, and I ask her many questions about how she wants things done.. we will get into a routine, then I will be complaining that I am bored. Going from my lady Ruth who could raise the roof, pee on the porch if I turned my back for two seconds, and hide bananas in her depends, threatening to cut my throat with a butcher knife... to Sonny and Ms. M,
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....!!!!! But have worked with Alz. enough to know this will change for Sonny. But I feel Ms. M will be receptive to things I may suggest about Sonny's care..... not like BG fighting me about everything....If I wake up from this dream, just shoot me... I am getting too old to keep having to change jobs...
Payday,,, yeha, haven't had a REAL one of those in so long I won't know how to act...I'll probably do a "Sonny" and just stare at my check, then go throw it over into the neighbors yard....
Jam, At least if the col was in the concrete up to her little ankles, you would know where she was...something for you to think about...
Sorry seeme that I wasn't up to play last night... don't have to work weekends so we can get caught up in the next few days...
ASG, oh lady, you are so much more patient than I am.. How about I send you some tapes with MY voice saying.. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"....".DON'T TALK TO THE KIDS THAT WAY" .... "THE CAT HAS RUN AWAY"....."YOU ARE WASTING ELECTRICITY"..... " WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM".... and anything else you need. I have a deep voice, she may think it was God talking to her, and scare the pants off her and she would stop being such a nasty meanie...I can do that for you, just let me know...
starri,I hope you do not feel I am being disrespectful of your situation.My heart breaks for you, your mom and your brother.I do not know how you do it and I have nothing but respect for you and the load you carry. Hoping some of the silliness will help you to laugh, and you get a temporary respite from the day to day stuff. Laughter saved my life when I was with my lady Ruth. I will miss her for the rest of my life...
If I missed anyone, sorry. will have more time this weekend and will get caught up on everyone... and starri, I am sorry the meds are not staying down, is she still refusing the morphine ..??? She would be so much more comfortable, and you would be less stressed... hugs and prayers to all of you... check in later this evening...
The dead bolt sounds like the way to go, I am beginning to wonder if I am going to need to box up all of mom's meds and take them with me when I leave the house, everytime I leave my brother with mom, I make sure that I have all her medications laid out and instructions left, only to come back and find out they dug through the others trying to figure out what she is suppose to have.. I'm really worried that they might between the two of them, give/take to much..
Will have to look at that I guess in the morning and figure out what it is I can do, really hate to go to that length, but might have too. My brother really wants to help, he just can't help the way his illness has affected him, and the worse part I guess is that he doesn't even realize it has. Mom at least knows that she is falling apart.. but that doesn't make it any easier.
Guess I ought to try and close my eyes for a little, tomorrow/today is going to be a very long day, have mom's cna due out to give her a bath, and then the nurse is due out, she tried calling the other day and got my brother, she finally gave up trying to tell him anything, just kept repeating she'd talk to me.. Hope that you have all gotten some kinda rest.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Ladeeda, lol,thanks, I'm sowwy to you guys, how's the new charges???
Seemer, funny how the whole nap thing pisses them off but its ok if we go to thhem and they are sleeping in their chair! Oh that's right they wernt really sleeping just had their eyes closed we only thought they were, my nap story will follow!
Rosella I hope you are right about the kids. They have already learned how to tell fibs to get her off each others backs:( no he didn't leave the door open it poped open by itself! Hope everything is well with you.
Burned, I hope you are getting some rest.
Starri, wish I couldgive aunt some of that morphine!!!!! Tonight id like to give her some pillow therapy also!
Ok, so here was the rest, after the little boy left, my boys for once layed down and fell asleep, so did I. The other little boy"the little fat boy" so she called him didn't fall asleep till after 2 a.m.(his first sleepover) but I didn't tell aunt that! Anyways, I fell asleep to and woke up a little later than I wanted but still early enough to grill what I had planned for supper. So I'm laying there deciding I need to get up when I hear her walker, in a voice loud enough to see if I'm here but not loud enough to wake me, she says "are you sleeping?" Repeat! Then I hear some clangy noises, so I get up to see if she is in the cabinet again, this time she has the refrigerator and freezer doors open! Ok for all who dont know me anyone is welcome to get in my fridge and have whatever is there. She could get in and have anything she sees and I don't mind. She has her own fridge in her room that we keep stocked with yogurt and snacks. So its unusual for her to be in there. But what infuriated me was how she yells at the kids when they reach in to get a popcycle. She says they are wasting electricity. Yet she stands there for a good minute or two with both doors wide open. For no good reason. I come in and she's like oh your awake! I was just looking to see if you had somthing layed out for supper. I said yep its ready to cook. She's like well I wondered if you were gonna make anything for supper(like I've ever forgot) I said well I knew I had time to get a nap in. "Oh, so you were sleeping" I don't know why you need a nap, you get just as much sleep as I do!!!! What?!?! Really. I don't get done putting her to bed till almost 10. She wakes up all through the night, yes but then cat naps all day then denies it. She wants to be crappy cause I finnally got one in. She didn't get me up before I dozed off this time! She is so chold like selfish somtimes.then aftr supper I didn't get right back to her room as fast as she thought I should so she was being crappy again. Comes out saying never mind, if your to busy, you do have a kitty in here. But I will do it. Then I go in and she's all I was just gonna do it myself and put her right back in. The same thing at bedtime, comes out 10 min early playing the your to busy for me guilt trip that's so obvious. I'm so wound up somtimes I can't sleep when I do get a chance to go early. That was my day in a nut shell!!! So sowwwy:) it took so long to put it there. Can you imagine the long version of my day with her. Nope this wasn't it! Good nigh everyone. Big big hugs to all.
It sounds like you ladies have your hands full, with never knowing how your family might be like at any time, so far Mom is just mainly nasty with me. Of course that isn't really anything new, she's a lot nicer to strangers than what she is family.
Hope all are getting some rest this evening