This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I'm exhausted, my brother is as well, just from the time he sits during the day. I have no clue as to what to do, I can put the rail back on the bed where she can't get out on her own, but that thing isn't like a normal hospital bed, it doesn't retract all the way so makes it harder than hell to try and get her out. Any suggestions?
Go to bathroom to clean up and get beat in the floor, he didnt do it on himself so I must have done it, the pee and stuff!! so that over, breakfast was thrown in trash and coffee spilled in floor. I need to get out of here!! There are 168 hours in a week and I have 4 that I can actually get out of the house ALONE. I have a sitter that comes twice a week for 4 hours and sits with him. I spend one of my 4 hours at the nursing home with my sister who had a stroke. Her mind is great just her body is gone. She has no other visitors so I go every Thursday from 12-3:45 I have to be home by 4 for the sitter to leave. My hubby has had ALZ since 07 and has no earthly idea who I am. He is on abilify, has been on all meds for ALZ but dr took him off as they were not working. He sits and complains, hates company, does not like for me to talk on phone, and does not want me out of his sight. He has sleep apena but refuses to wear his mask. says I am trying to kill him, spits his abilify out so I have to crush it and put it in his drink, coffee. decaff.
Shoot with my 4 hours which happens to be tomorrow I am so excited I just could spit!! Oh did I tell you I have two sons????? 45 and 39, they live here in town one only 7 houses away, but cant face the fact that Dad is not himself!! well face it boys hes not getting better, just a cop out to keep from sitting with him. I stopped asking and will not ask.. they know I need the help. Well thats my day and thanks for letting me vent!
ASG...Have you tried to get her to let you go with her , as in 4 ears are better than 2 ? It sure would help you to be a better caregiver.....try that one!!
Gotta go to bed, big day tomorrow......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Rum and coke time................
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Col called us tonight....very pleasant conversation although she still doesn't realize why she is there. We explained the need to review her medicine.....yadda, yadda, yadda. I think they may be putting her on Namenda. Or is it Namendia? She doesn't like the hospitals diapers so we will take some and visit with her and see where we are. And ask how long they will keep her. Hubby said today, with insurance, they like to keep them longer, so that will be an advantage for us. If they are changing her meds I want them to keep her long enough to see how she does, and if she doesn't, then see how she does on something else. She will also get a haircut that is easy to manage and attractive on her, but no more of this cloud hanging in her face and eyes. So no more hot rollers. She will get some lip gloss, the days of globbed mascara are over. I have her house streamlined without so much furniture to possibly trip over. Just have to do a little more shampooing on the carpet and then vacuum, make her bed and her house is livable again. The strong urine odor is gone, but won't smell completely clean until we get the carpet ripped up and replaced. I've gotten a lot accomplished in 3 days.
Hope everyone is having a good night. I'm taking advantage of this short vacation...:)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Jam, the idea of the fence in the garden is a good one. If you are afraid COL climbs it, make it higher. She is not a Marine, I guess. And she won't dig to pass underneath (talking about rabbits...)
ASG: I thing Auntie should be sedated (a little bit). Otherwise life could become very difficult for you and your kids, Forgive me if I am blunt!
The doctor told us my mother can drink a little bit. Not too much of course. I was very happy about it and I gave her a (light) herb liquor tonight. A natural product made by my friend. My mother was very happy and she went peacefully to bed. And it didn't harm her!
Strategies, strategies!
Time for outside doggies.......
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Sure hope you get some answers soon... and wasn't it yesterday you were saying you were lucky to not have to do what Jam and I do... be careful what you say out loud, girl....let us know what happens...hugs to you sweetie...
Hope everyone is doing okay......I'm exhausted and has nothing to do with care giving! Hubby slept on the couch because of the kennel we have now and kept the jack/chihuahua with him. My blind poodle has her bed and was in it, chihuahua likes to sleep by my feet. Col's dog usually sleeps under the edge of the bed where the air conditioner blows....well not last night. He decided to get up on the bed, flop down, 10 sec move, flop down, 10 sec move, then I heard him run down the steps into my bathroom and left a pile the size of a small mountain, thank God there is no carpet on the floor. They had all been outside for about 30 minutes an hour before this. Got that cleaned up and the flop move starts again. Then the jack decides she wants in so she is sitting and scratching at the door. I finally got up, threw them all outside and yelled at hubby that HE can watch them and stomped back to the bedroom and took a 2 hour nap. So that was my early morning harassment.
seeme.......nothing like a UTI to kill your sense of smell. We have a septic system also and I have to watch the col so she won't put "butt wipes" in the toilet. I won't even let her put the flushable kind in. Then she gets confused and won't even put toilet paper in. I would rather have that than the yard messed up again. We've cleaned out once since we've been here and that was about 4 years ago, but with 2 households using the same tank now it will have to be done soon I think. I've already told her the next cleaning is on her, since I can't always catch what she flushes or puts down her garbage disposal.
Hi sandy and starri..........how's your Monday so far?
Where is burned.....anyone heard from her?
ASG.....if I have my way the col won't be getting back her makeup. In between baths she puts on foundation, then smears face lotion over that when the mood strikes, so there is a mess smeared all over. The mascara was completely dried up so I hesitate to guess what she was using to even get it to stick to her lashes...spit probably. Then she would rub her eyes after putting it on and we all know how sanitary her hands would be. The lipstick was old and greasy. Her lips were always dry and I spent the winter trying to get her to use gloss, chapstick, anything....I found a product from soap.com called "chicken poop", love that stuff, she refused it. It was more fun, I guess, to leave pieces of dry skin mixed with lipstick all over the inside and outside of a stained coffee cup, and scream when I would wash it. And of course the lipstick had to be used on the cheeks as blush. And all done without benefit of a mirror. I think we have been lucky so far that she has not gotten a raging eye infection. So I would rather her be mad at me than have an infection. Waiting now to hear from her doc after he does rounds and gets back to the office. Going to start looking at fencing and finding her a patio set that can be set up on the front yard concrete. She will only be allowed out there with someone else. The new fence will be locked so she cannot get out and wander off. Will keep her dog confined so she won't chase him. All around good deal for everyone. The only problem may be her trying to crawl over, hubby wants chain link, I don't. And with a care giver with her on the days we aren't, climbing should be a moot point.
Going to contact a couple of friends today about the possibility of taking care of the col.....if they aren't interested then will put an ad in the paper and go from there. A lot more work doing it that way. There is also a place close to us that hires out care givers so I will also give them a call. I would like to think they would do a background check themselves, we will see.
morning ladee......hope Sonny is good for you today. All of the info you have given me over the weekend, and seeme too, has helped me so much. I don't feel like I'm swimming upstream with a blindfold on anymore. LYB
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I have to take mom to Duke hospital on the 16th to see a vaginal urgeon. She has a fistula that Mr. Jam diagnosed for me and finally a GYN has agreed. She has been given a barium enema that didn't find it, but something is going on for sure. The GYN saw fecal up to the top of the vagina. This is smoe nasty shit. Now I think she has a UTI, talking crazy, going potty every 15 min all night long. Gotta try to get a sample from her today.
You have a sneaky fil all right.
I know I appreciate your experience and I know Jam will, too. Thanks for those examples. I always love your stories, but they are very good examples to be learned from. And Jam is doing a wonderful job, I agree, and Target better see that too. And she has enough compassion to take her back !! She is a giving, strong person. Wouldn't we women straighten out this world if given the chance?
At the momemt I would give anything to have someone straighten out my mom's closet !!!!LOLOLOL
Hubby is waiting on me....talk later........
Sandra, my heart breaks for the stress you are under. Wish you would post here more so we could get to know you better and be here for you... you are in my prayers..
Will check back in this afternoon, love ya'll and hugs across the miles...
And the stench...... !!!!!!
Help had to empty the pottie 3 times during the night just to get rid of the paper, I know it is time to have the septic tank cleaned out, but hubby says nah. No way can one put as much stuff down the pot as I have and expect the septic tank to keep up. Just no way. I've had it cleaned twice already since mom has been here, and both times it was necessary.
Well, it's been 30 min since I've been awake and nothing from mom , so I guess she will want to sleep all day and be up all night. Please say a prayer for us. I need her to make it to Duke on the 16th. Will try to post later..........
Hope everyone has a good night....time for some sleep. Going to go check a fence company tomorrow about fencing in the yard.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I'm glad you were able to get away and meet some school buddies. That sound like a good time to me. Just to have adult conversation.......
I would love to have a dog as I am a dog lover. I will in the future again....2 nice big OES (Old English Sheepdogs) the ones with no tails and real hairy, but not until mom is gone. They would tear her up if one jumped on her , even if it was a puppy. Her skin is just too thin.
Well, mom got up and is eating a Danish and help comes in ten min.
Everyone have a wonderful night.
JAM ALLELUIAH! You are having some days of rest, you are going to have a help when Col comes home. It was about time to share part of this hard, hard work with someone else.
Ladee, I am so happy that your new gentleman is so sweet and he is already fond of you. It will make things much easier for you! It seems he likes to be taken care of; so it seems it is a person you can make happy. (which doesn't happen all the time, as we all know) (many of our aged relatives are taken care of, and they are never happy)
My mother is more and more an more confused, about the normal facts of life (does she have to urinate or not? Does she have to eat or not?) And she has more and more problems in choosing her words and say what she wants. So the whole thing is excruciating and it's difficult to keep a good mood and not lose one's head. I guess we are not perfect and we just do our best in unsustainable situations...
ASG, put locks everywhere and find an excuse for your aunt (you have to lock your bedroom door because there are mice, or rabbits, inside) (you have to lock the fridge because the door of the fridge is broken and it could fall...), I think it is time you start to tell her some lies for your sake and her sake. I like very much the idea of Ladeeda's voice coming from the ceiling, I would seriously think of doing it.
I don't remember who has the problem of rabbits. Why don't you take a small dog? He would scare the rabbits and make them flee away, without actually killing them... At least, he would keep 90 per cent of them away.
I have to work... Night everybody
Amen ladee......couldn't have said it any other way. That's how we cope.
On any given day the col will talk "off the wall" and she has developed the habit that if you ask her something and she doesn't know the answer, she will squint her eyes and say "what?"........like I'm an idiot or an imbecile, so if I rephrase my question it is like I never said anything to begin with.
We just talked with the behavioral unit and she is doing fine. Even interacting a little with some of the others. A guy that used to work with me in EMS, then became an LPN, is on-duty there today, so he will watch over her. She does not know why she is there, has no memory at all of being in the ER and doesn't have a clue how she got there. Makes me want to make sure I have a nice full bottle of morphine if I get that way...........but then I would probably forget where I stashed it.
Target is on-board with me 99%. He thinks we should leave the col's washer and dryer in case her care giver should want to throw something in. Other than that it's onward and upwards. Going to send out a request to my friend and see if she would like the job.....Mon Wed Fri.....10 to 4 .......or whatever works for her, but I would prefer it be through the middle of the day....the col usually sleeps till after 9 am. Her main meal of the day usually hits at around 2 or 3 pm....because she is always saying she is not hungry when suppertime rolls around, and then we can do something light for supper.
That's where we are right now.....and soon I'm back to cleaning a little more. I found a black blob of something, that resembles nothing, at the bottom of an old ice cream gallon that she used to keep empty plastic bags in. Must have forgotten the full ones go in the trash.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Mom got her bath today, almost refused to get out of her chair until I started to pick her up (which I could not have done, but don't tell her that). The little heater we use to get the bathroom warm finally died. Something burned, you could smell it. Hubby found out it was the thermostat. We sang a requiem and threw it out. Gotta get another one. Probably won't find it in June, mom.
Guess I will finally get a shower myself and get all heated up cleaning bathrooms so help won't have to hold it all night.
Starri, sorry I fell asleep last night but I did post early this am. At least I think I did. Hope you had a short RESTFUL sleep. I remember you saying it would be short.
And yes, I don't know how Jam and Ladee do it either. I am blessed that way. Mom gets fixated on certain things , lately bathrooms, but she doesn't get violent. She gets clingy and weepy. Her brain damage comes from a brain aneurysm almost 10 yrs ago now, and a stroke during the repair of it. Still a very lucky person to be alive, but I don't know if she would say that. She did get to see the 12th great-grandchild a month ago, so now when we get pics on the computer or talk via Skype, she is anxious to get to the computer.
Well, I am rambling, so I will sign off .....till later......
That is why you are welcomed when you start posting. We always hope people come back and get to experience not feeling alone, that others are going thru the same things, feeling the same way, even if situations vary a little, we are here for each other..
But what you are going thru is very very tough. Regardless of the illness, when we know the end is in sight, we really need to know others HEAR us.. are there in spirit and are holding our hands.
You get to meet some awesome folks on here, some who will remain friends for a lifetime... it's just like life, some are forever, some are temporary , but we do have the honor of being loving, caring, not shaming and judgmental. I always try to keep in mind that sometimes things can not be translated into cyberspace . So, for me, I try to still be supportive tho I may not wholly understand the situation.. we can always ask questions to help us understand and be there for each other.
So, that is the tip of the iceberg on how we cope.. guess silliness and laughter keeps us going sometimes.. we may not get a real respite from our daily stuff, but it costs nothing to laugh...
We are so happy you are here. You bring a gentleness in your posts that are much appreciated. You bring compassion, and that is priceless. that is not saying you don't have your own moments or even days.. but you do contribute to our sense of belonging and we hope you stay with us... hugs to you, you are appreciated.