This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
As for me...doing fine. We're back from our cruise with FIL. He handled it pretty well, all things considered. He knew we were going on this cruise, and he wanted to go on it, but I'm not sure how much he really enjoyed it. At one point he said he thought we were supposed to be doing something special, so when was that going to happen? Um...we're on a ship, Dad. That's the special thing. He insisted there was something more we were supposed to do. Anyway, as the cruise went on it was more like he knew being with family was what he was supposed to be doing, rather than that he wanted to do it. He did like ordering his own meals from the menu each night, though!
His mobility was an issue, as we knew it would be. He hates using his walker, but it was a good thing we had it with us. His dementia has also gotten worse over the last few months, but he still recognized his people (we traveled as an extended family), and so we could just say, "Follow Sam," and he would. We didn't take him off the ship or explore the port with him; that would have been too much.
This was FIL's last cruise and the end of an era. It's sad because this was one more thing he really enjoyed that he can no longer appreciate or do with us. So I'm having some mixed feelings today, but not bad ones. Getting back into the day to day swing of caregiving at home.
Am going mad !
So, about finding a job, that's up to you and your conscience. If your dad died while you were at work, how would you react? The answer to that question will determine your decision to get a job. I've helped dad caregive mom for about 23 years, half of my life. I refused to give up my job. It was and still is my sanity from caregiving. When dad needed me to work part time to help him, I did so accordingly. When mom got stabilized, I went back to full time. When mom was dying and all my siblings came home, I went to work. I didn't want to take time off. Seeing mom's muscles shrinking and the skin tightening around her bones was just too much for me. Again,work was my sanity. Anyway, I had my 4 grown siblings at the house keeping watch over mom. That is how I handled mom dying.
So, do what you feel is right and can live with regarding the job - full time vs part time.
I'm just now struggling with whether to go back to work in September or not. My husband doesn't want me to. He feels it is too stressful with my dad being on hospice. I would like to go back because I have about six years left before I get full retirement and I can see the years going by and I'm becoming older and older and not even feeling like working a normal job. And, I will need the retirement income. So, I've now interviewed a bunch of agencies who all can help and I would still be home in the evenings and weekend. But I would have a life. That's all for now.
Genevieve7
My own niece will be seeing her grandma in AL for the first time in five years before she moves to London. I know she'll never see her grandma again. She'll be with us five days but using my car to visit other people in another state for 10 days.
I am a little ticked off. We had a two night vacation in six years. Why does no one see what I see? Windytown is always there. She is my brother's surrogate as he can't be there. Shouldn't she give us a break?
Windy, our $ store has jamacan patties, and so does our Costco! I love them! ( if you mean the hand sandwiches? in a pastry)
I just hope it's short and sweet... She resting now..
My 26 year old niece from Colorado just visited us recently. She hasn't been on island since she was a child. Visiting her homeland was in her bucket list. She spent $2200.00 just for a 10 day visit. She couldn't stand the heat and our hospitality of giving her food all the time. She stayed with us. It was so nice that she offered to help me change grandpa's pamper. I can tell that she's not familiar with dealing with the elderly. So, after work, I would be talking and joking with dad. She was very watchful. (Oldest sis doesn't make conversation with anyone,) I can honestly say that by the time she left, she was relaxed with grandpa.
I used to be mad at him that he only came home once in the 5 and a half years since I've had my mom on my plate. Now I know he was dealing with his own bad stuff. Hard to see when an ocean separates you. The love is there, just not the ability. *sigh*
It's so good to hear you found a peaceful place you really like! We ALL need that Book. Food is something that gives me comfort and satisfies my cravings too. I have weird ones though. I love Hot and Sour soup. When I make it I can't stop eating it! My favorite is Jamaican Patties, but since I left Minneapolis, no Jamaican Patties for me!
Is there anything that you can do to 'reward' yourself? I've budgeted $$ for my lunch. I've been buying cheap lunches (Wendy's 4 for $4, etc...) so that I have left over money to treat myself to Yogurtland. I go and buy a strawberry+chocolate yogurt with peanuts and almond toppings - coming to only $4.25... I sit there for an hour eating the yogurt and then reading my book in peace. I find that I'm a bit satisfied with life after I've done this. So, I'm going to make this my ritual every 2 weeks. Previously, I would spend my me-time at the public library. But the wooden chairs make in conducive to NOT spend too long there reading.
The way you worry about coming home and finding him dead on the floor. That was my worry before dad had his stroke. He was mom's main caregiver. I took over when I wasn't working (also full time job like you.) Dad was suddenly falling. We both shrugged it off as 'old age' unaware that it was a sign of a stroke. We were very fortunate that the gov't caregiver coming to sponge bath mom, found dad in the middle of a stroke. She immediately called 911 and me at work. Well, my worst fear almost came true - except we had a visitor that found him in time.
I'm not familiar with your and brother's background situation. Are you able to hire a part-time sitter to just drop by once in a while to check up on your brother? I tried calling dad daily but when the office is busy (which is most of the time), I forget to call home.
OR, you can do what my younger sister suggested for me. I bought a 2 camera set, had brother-in-law install it (outside porch and inside the livingroom) so that I can take a peek on my iPad to see what's happening at home. I think the same camera system can be found in Amazon for about $200-some (??) I tell you, it's great! I can see at work if someone is visiting or hanging around on the porch. It also records - found this out when the message keeps popping up that the memory card is full...
Pam -glad you all were able to go on the trip and survived. =) despite the old people farts...
57twin, that's scary that your dad is now a fall risk. And a wanderer. I was going to say he was suffering from mini-strokes but .. maybe, like my mom, it's caused by the dementia. Mom had one day woke up - and couldn't walk anymore. She had some serious sundowning months before this happened. And she was an 'escape artist' too. Dad finally put several sliding locks on all the doors when we found mom late at night hiding under the car, whimpering in fear. I can just imagine what you're going through with the constant falling and the roaming, and the fear of never finding her - or that she got hit by a car. It was very terrible time. {{{{HUGS}}}}
However, today Mom does not want to see, but hang with her friends. Taking that offer as a gift and spending the day with myself.
Sometimes, I wish he wasn't around anymore so I wouldn't have to constantly feel worried and stressed and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
I keep hoping things will get better.
Haven't posted in several months. I think the last time I posted my boss was still ill. I had foot and hip pain for a couple of months this winter. Diagnosed with arthritis in several area in my left foot. Hip pain went away-stiff muscles most likely. Worked quite a bit at my part time job until college kids returned in May.
Dad was doing okay. Mainly stays in his room at his assisted living-I did move him to the new wing. Looked out window as I called reading his movie script as I call it. Said he was watching the movie/tv but looking outside and giving a commentary. Always same theme. A wedding with a parade he would mention some of his siblings names. He would laugh at times.
But all good things must change. He "escaped" from his place May 22. Crossed the rural road walked down three houses and walked into one and asked what they were doing in his house. Since landscaping was not completed the fence was not up. The door alarm did not go off. He was okay but shook everyone up at his place.
Three weeks ago On a Monday I stopped in and we shared a alcoholic root beer (awful tasting) and chips as he was cruising the hallways. That day is probably the last day he will walk by himself. The following morning he fell. Doctor appt walker and pt/ot prescribed. Hip X-rays nothing broken. He fell the next day hit his head. I was grocery shopping did not hear my phone ring and met him at the ER. Two hours later I brought him back. No tests the nurses had him try walking with a walker. Thursday morning he had fallen again after getting him up for the day. No injuries but posted an aide by his room at night for a quicker response to the bed pad alarm.Friday was a whole day of doc appts. Blood/Urine/ECGand a trip to hospital for a head cat scan. Results all normal except for a little anemia. So he know spends his days in the living room so the aides can watch him. I have a doc visit Friday to get a wheelchair prescribed as he is using the spare which is meant for tiny ladies. He walks with an aide and the gait belt. No falls since.
Also at docs office he though I was mom. I know he does not know who I am despite saying Hi dad when I visit. Alzheimer's sucks.
You keep on trying.
Love, from Send
You know, if you don't get straightened out by a chiropractor, walking crooked may cause you more F & B's, at a younger age. lol?