This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I know Pammz will do whata best for them and Mom anx Auntie!
Did not give that advice because Pammzi sounded like she didn't want Mom to be gone for 3 weeks, and would have her own reasons. I could be wrong.
Now, there is an extra week, unused, floating out there in the universe, lol-maybe it will come to your house!
Hope you will get blessed too!
We are enjoying our first day of freedom! I got alot done ( we hate to do much when mom is here because she says "it's her job" and we feel like were in trouble. Or if I am having a good day and keeping busy she keeps telling me to sit down ( I think it bothers her that I can run rings around her...) She has about 1 -2 hours of "work" in her a day at this point.. I visited a friend at her job, she wants me to apply for a float pool position there and I am going to.. sort of get my feet wet and see if I like it. She introduced me to other staff and some of the patients... much slower pace than my current job but I may like it, and I am not getting any younger. Then some piddly around shopping at Home Goods, house work, baked. I am so relaxed!
Miss Mom, but really enjoying this!
Yep, it was the usual, introduce yourself and give some caregiving background. Ah, hell. I must be very vulnerable since the last time I attended - last year. As I heard other people's stories, I started crying (sniffling with tears flowing.) I don't cry. I have to have a very good reason for crying. Yet, I sat there crying, and inconspicuously wiping the tears from my face. It's the anger and how each of these caregivers, like me, are struggling and not getting the family support needed.
When it was my turn, I explained how I was mid-20s when I chose to stay home and help dad - mistakenly thinking that mom's dementia would last for about 8 years. That was 26 years ago. And how dad had a stroke 4 years ago, and none of my 7 siblings stepped up to help me - myself with 2 bedridden parents and how I needed to work full time to pay the bills and food. How I was suicidal until the caregiver's group program got me to therapy and I learned to accept my siblings will never be there for me. How I was beginning to black out, lose time - 10 minutes in the middle of changing dad's pamper - just standing there lost, 20 minutes with mom - trying to pull of her trache, etc... How last year bro used his miles to buy my ticket. How I experienced what "Normal" life was like - to not have to worry at all about changing pampers, etc.... How I won a free ticket and knew that God was finally rewarding me for all these years. How it was a falseness because I couldn't even find a family member willing to babysit dad for $900 while I'm away. And since then, I've been soooo angry. Angry with dad. Angry with work, with everyone, everything. How dad has calmed down now but it's me who is angry all the time. And God again came to the rescue when I opened my email last week and saw this guest speaker about Anger Management.
When a caregiver started crying as they told their story, I was crying with them. Feeling their pain, anger and frustration. Even now, as I'm typing this, I'm crying as I remember other's anguishes towards their siblings, juggling parent/husband and yet needing to work to pay the bills, the mortgage, etc...
One of the stresses involved forgetfullness. One new attendee raised her hand and said that she's so forgetful. Something happened just yesterday, and she has no memory at all. The person would tell her repeatedly that they told her this but she has no recall at all of it. (I nodded emphatically, and whispered to her, "me, too!!) The speaker (glanced at me when I said that) asked her if she tried to recall by retracing her day to jog her memory of that 'lost' event. The newbie said that no matter how much she tried, she has absolutely no memory at all. (Newbie and I were looking at each other because I was nodding emphatically - saying that I cannot recall at all what was said to me too.) The speaker was looking at newbie and me back and forth. I can see in her eyes that she was worried about us.
She told us that we are both chronically stressed - nonstop stress - and that we must find time for ourselves. And she kept repeating to us that we need to see our doctors and tell them what is happening. Maybe we need therapy, medication, etc.. But we must see our doctor on this.
At the conclusion, I raised my hand and asked if I can ask a question. I said that every time I come to these meetings, it feels good to express myself about caregiving. But I always, at the end of the meetings, come out so emotionally drained. For hours afterwards. Is this good or bad? The poor guest speaker had a hard time answering that. My social worker immediately stood up and said that she's glad that I asked this question. And that she can answer it.
As caregivers, we keep our emotions deep inside. We are too busy dealing with caregiving, work, bills, etc.... And so we just stuff our emotions inside. And then, when we come to these meetings, we pull it out and it affects us because now we're FEELING it, the emotions. (The whole time she's explaining this to me, I was trying so hard not to cry.) I, uhm, forgot the rest of her words. I'm going to have to email her and ask her to send me the conclusion of her talk. My emotional upheaval interfered with my concentration of her words. All I got from it was that we must make time for ourselves and that I really need to see my doctor about my situation.
The guest speaker, before she left, she came up to me and said that she needed to hug me. And she did. Another caregiver, before she left, came up to me and said that she wanted to hug me, to help me feel better. D*rn, tears falling.
So, last Saturday, I was talking to fave niece. I said that my symptoms remind me of 2 things. One - my endometriosis is back (getting full fast). Two - someone is pregnant (the nausea thing). The one time I spent weeks being nauseous all the time for No Reason - was when her mom was pregnant. I looked at my niece and asked her firmly if she's pregnant. She said no. I said that I've been through this before. I think you're pregnant. No, Aunty.... This was last Saturday..... Niece texted me yesterday. She's pregnant.
And God, whom I've turned my back years ago, has not forsaken me. In all the years, when I have hit rock bottom, when I turn towards death as the most logical solution to my problem, He comes through. Most times, it's almost always by sending an elder to do an unannounced visit. Grrrr.
Last week, I saw the Caregiver's monthly support group's email sent out 2 weeks ago. It's a reminder of our next support group meeting. This month's meeting will have a guest speaker. Guess what's the subject?.... Anger Management. .... I spent the past week fighting myself. Going. Not going. Going. Not going. I've especially been see-sawing with this today. Because tomorrow is the meeting. The ball is in my court. God sent it to me. I now have the option to accept it and go. Or reject it. I don't care for these meetings because usually we have to introduce ourselves to everyone and give a little info of ourselves. Or we form a circle and we go down the line and say something. No pressure. Yeah, right! Anyway, I'm still struggling with the decision....
Jazzy, dad and I used to have our 'famous' yelling matches. I finally realized that I was purposely being obstinate with dad in order to push his buttons .. or vice versa (him with my buttons) so that we can yell at each other. Letting off steam. Once I realized Why I was doing this, I started doing my best to avoid 'confrontations.' I'm trying to stop this behavior. It's not his fault... kind of...Nah, I don't believe that at all!
Susie, it's good that at least - from his POV (point of view - just learned what this meant!) - that he had fun even if it's just ordering his meal.