This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Taking a nap now, instead. Sad.
Can I run away, but for good, never look back?
Where should I go?
Thanks for your comment. I am not going to reach out to him or any of his family. I did try for a couple of months by contacting a close friend of his but he didn't even know Rich was back in town. I just prayed about the whole situation night and day and waited for God's response. God knows and I know that I did my best so what his family thinks is irrelevant at this point. I'm not going to fight a losing battle. I also think God took him away from me so that I no longer have to watch him decline and eventually die. I am 62 and have spent more than a decade taking care of everyone else. I think God has released me to move forward and live my own life and find some real happiness. I am not looking for a man to replace Rich or any man at all. I miss my constant companion Rich once was but I am not lonely. I am enjoying my house, working non-stop in my garden and having time to spend with my friends and neighbors. I am considering some volunteer work in the future but for the time being I am focusing on my health, which I neglected for so long, and on living life with no anger, bitterness, regrets or negativity. It is a tall order but so worth the effort. Life is too short. You cannot control others. They have him now so my job is done where he is concerned. I did all I could do and that has to be enough.
How can I snag one?
About 8 months ago, I got the Old Man's Dr to order home PT and OT, because he was wasting away and losing so much of his muscle mass from sitting around from morning till night, plus he had been falling alot which was a combo of lack of exercise and the muscle weakness, and he would soon either fall and really hurt himself ie. BREAK A BONE, or end up bedbound ultimately. The man has zero interest in ever leaving the house except to go to the Dr's, even though we offer, and prod him to go out, as there are so many beautiful things to see and do around the Seattle area, but No, he's been there done that, but has seen every one of those darn Cowboy movies a hundred times, grrr!
But anyways, They PT was here 3 x a week for 8 weeks, then 2 x per week for 4 more. In that time, they had him learning how to use properly use his Rolator, and was walking 5 times around my open floor plan home, 3-4 times a day. As soon as they stopped coming, he stopped the exercises. Before all of this started, I gave him the big speech about if he didn't regain some strength, then we would have to consider an alternative living situation for him, as my husband and I do not have the strength to pick him up without injuring ourselves, and if he were to become bedbound, same thing, we're not capable of doing that level of care.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. At first I didn't want to be the one who nagged him to do the exercises, but I caved in and had a long discussion on how he had completely stopped, and now has lost all of that progress he had made. He has stepped it up a bit, though not to the level he should be, but now I'm definitely going to stay on top of him, as come spring/summer, we intend to sell our home, and he will need to go into some form of Senior living situation. I'm hope full, if I can keep him active, to get him into a Senior apartment, it would save him thousands each month, but if nessasary he will have to step up to Assisted living, so we'll see.
Here in the PNW, we have this program for Senior's called S.H.A.G. It is smaller efficiency apartments for seniors and disabled, and the monthly rents are between 500-1200, depending on your ability to pay based off of your income level. They are NICE, and would be perfect for him, if it is deemed that he can manage, with the help of us coming in several times a week to do his shopping and errands. Ideally, I would like to try to get him out of the house once a week for lunch or something, starting now, and begin making a habit of it. The state has just finished building a brand new on 3 miles away from us, and anoth6one is being built 2 miles from us. The are gorgeous facilities with libraries, exercise rooms, hot tubs, roof top decks, both of these have pea patches for gardening, allow pets, craft rooms, they have an activity director and arrange for shopping excursions and even to the Casino, really nice! They have studio, 1, and 2 bedroom units all with washer dryers in each! I wouldn't mind living there, but we make too much money, damnit! And again, this is independent living, No Nurses, No meals, no medical management.
I hope, I hope we can get him into something like this! It is exactly what we should have done when he lost his wife, and before he came to live with us. But he wanted to live with us because he was scared to be alone and lonely, and we enabled him, big mistake! 13 years later, and now we have all aged, and become disabled ourselves, and hubby and I need to start living, before it's too late! We will always look after him, and manage his physical needs, and of course take him out and include him in our family events and holidays. We just need to take control of our own lives once more.
I paid for him to go back home (alone) and spend a week with his family about two years after we moved south. A couple of years later we both went back to visit. It was like walking on eggshells but we got along well. But in almost 8 years of living here not a single relative visited once. I offered to pay for the airfare for each of his daughters to come and visit. Neither did. His youngest daughter (31) sent him a Christmas card and said she didn't even know he had been living in his own apartment for 7 months.
I was aware that, while living in his own apartment, he would make up all kinds of things (all untrue) and relay them to his family. I was stealing from him, abusing him, letting him go hungry etc which is not uncommon for people with dementia. When he still lived with me one day he bit my calf so badly I required stitches. I had no idea why. I discussed that with his mom during our weekly Sunday conversation. A couple of days later his aunt called him and asked what I had done to provoke him. I couldn't win no matter what I did. I am sure they had no idea what they were getting in to when they moved him back east. I'm sure he is treating them the same way but in a nursing home they can just get in their cars and drive home to their environment and let the paid caregivers at the NH deal with his anger, manipulation, lies and aggressive outbursts.
Thank you for your comment.
He called me at 6:45 one morning and asked me to come over right away to help him with some things he couldn't manage. I was there by 7:15 and took care of all concerns he had. Two days later I called to find his phone disconnected. Was worried so I drove to his place. No answer. No one had seen him. I called for a welfare check and was told he was home and fine. I tried to find him or get some kind of response for days. I was losing my mind. A week later a change of address form came to my house. His family, who rarely kept in contact with him, had convinced him to move back east and promised they would take care of him. Taking care of him ended up meaning he was headed for a nursing home at 58 for the rest of his life. They have made sure he cannot contact me. He can't remember my phone number or address.
It has been nine months now since he left. I know that God was sending me a blessing for things to happen the way they did. But he is on my mind almost constantly. How is he? Does his family come to visit? Does he remember how much I loved him and how much I sacrificed to care for him 24/7. Is he getting adequate care? Does he know what is happening to him? Could I have done any more? When will I be able to put this behind me? Will my life ever be what it once was? How can his family not be grateful for the life I provided for him which he loved? Does anyone feel the way I do?
In the meantime, I've googled acid reflux. I stopped eating hot spicy food effective today... I bought food like banana, oatmeal, applesauce, Gas-X, and Flora probiotics to help calm the acid reflux. I'm hoping the oatmeal will be a better substitute for my midnight craving and stop the constant empty-stomach purping I get around 10pm. I also need to work on NOT trying to clean off the plate if I get full fast. I can no longer finish a meal that usually leaves me still hungry.
It must be working a little bit. Usually after dinner, I'm in so much pain in the throat, tummy, mouth from the acidity. Tonight, I ate 1/2 dinner when I got full. Took the probiotic. I'm not as miserable tonight as the past few days....
Niece-one-day-will-be-a-nurse babysat grandpa last weekend. It's been months since she's done it. Fave-niece (her older sis) told me today that her sis kept texting her last week about how bad grandpa has gotten. How he was constantly calling aunty J (my oldest sis) every 5 minutes non-stop. He was also accusing fave niece of not feeding him - yet he had his nutrient drink in his hand while accusing her.
When I come home after work, oldest sis is usually on the porch smoking. So, I stop by and make small talk with her about my day at work. I tend to use humor when I talk with people, exagerate a story - so that they can laugh or smile. I've found that 'my laughter' tends to help them smile. I, uhm... tend to do bursts of loud laughter, freely (unrestrained.) (Years ago, here on this website, I 'found' my humor. Hehehe, I was venting all over the AC website - I wasn't stingy and vented only here or Dysfunction thread or the Gross thread... It sure helped a lot! Plus lots of friends here helped, too.
I got distracted. So, after talking with sis, I would walk into the livingroom. My dad would ask, "K, is that you? I heard you laughing outside. Are you here?"
Remember how you all were saying how each member is forgetting something that they used to know? Dad is forgetting what he eats. Previously, I mentioned he forgot the Name of the nutrient drink. Now, he doesn't remember WHAT he eats (food? drink?) He only remembers it's time to eat because I would tell him it's time to eat. He's forgotten his birthdate.
Niece told me this afternoon after i came home - that today grandpa did something new. She said he's starting to throw things when he's mad/frustrated. He wants her to leave. He can take care of himself. He can get off the bed and walk... The company I pick up his nutrient drinks - both ladies (not in the room same time) told me that my dad hasn't called them. They wondered what's wrong. Remember reading here of some people whose 'loved one' would call and call the person non-stop? That was my dad with this company. They were just amazed that he hasn't called in the past 2 weeks. One of them asked me if he has gotten worse. I nodded. Mentally my dad is deteriorating fast. Physically - he's still as strong as a horse.
But I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I lost my sense of humor. Grouchy all the time. Twin, just keep a close eye on yourself and well-being. I didn't seek therapy or meds for my depression. I ended up seriously suicidal. The sad part is that when I'm depress, apathetic towards life, there is No Incentive to seek help.
Just vent and vent here because We know what you're going through even if family/friends don't.
1 mg lorazepam is a pretty hefty dose, but not so much that it will zonk him out if he's not sensitive to it. It probably will make him more sleepy. Maybe that is a good thing if he has been acting out a lot. I know you're worried about him.