This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Other issues are at play. Mom is wheelchair bound and doesn't have enough strength to move herself around. A scooter is definitely out of the picture as she's lost her ability to learn how to drive something like that. A caregiver would gladly take her out there as it is just outside the front door. My big beef with this and it will be the umpteenth time I've brought it up in almost three years, is her pager will not work right outside the front door. We've had three different pagers and not one will work out there. They've never solved the problem for us. Because of this mom has extreme anxiety about being abandoned outside. She will refuse to go outside. I've tried getting her an easy to use flip phone with big numbers and the front desk number programmed in but she has never used it as she does not trust that to work either. I think she's really afraid she won't be able to figure it out and in reality she probably can't or won't as she's very stubborn.
At her previous AL, the pager would work anywhere on the grounds outside. Why these yahoos can't figure it out makes me want to bang my head against the wall. This issue MUST be solved if they are forcing her outside. Wish me luck!
I do like that nicotine sales are illegal to someone under 18. I can't see making someone quit using when they're over 80. Pretty gestapo.
Where my Dad lives, both the Independent Living section and the Assisted Living section have "smoking porches".
I am wondering if the vaping is not being allowed because of fire hazards associated with recharging the e-cigarette.
Once my Mom passed, my Dad said he was ready to get out of that house and move to a senior center. Glad it was his own decision as it worked out quite well. My Dad is now in the Memory section of this center. He is around fellows of his own generation, where at home he wasn't.
Now you can once again be your hubby's "wife" instead of his "caregiver". But don't be surprised if it takes awhile before your emotions and energy returns.
That is such valuable information.
Susan
Today Dad was in a panic thinking I had put down a deposit on a new house for him. Say what??? What new house??? Have no idea where that idea had popped into the loop. Last week Dad just moved from Independent Living over to Memory Care in the same complex, so maybe that was the connection some how. Anywho, he was relieved when I said "no" to buying that house.
The director at mom's AL took me aside yesterday and told me that as of Monday mom can no longer use her vaping device anywhere in the complex. I was proud of mom for quitting smoking. It's been three years. She is very discreet about it in the only public place she uses it. Very discreet. Maybe 4 puffs in two hours. Mom only leaves her room for around 2 hours a day for lunch.
I have a sneaking suspicion a busybody complained after I asked her unattended children to stop driving their remote controlled cars into my ankles. This woman visits grandma every Wednesday when I visit my mom and lets these kids (three under five) They broke a window, scream loudly and constantly, yet I'm going to bear the burden of these idiots.
The director asked me if I wanted to give her the news that no more vaping after Monday. I told him I'm sure he makes a very good salary and it's not in my pay grade. It's his job. I will NOT be the bad guy. Mom has lived there almost three years and was assured vaping wasn't a problem. It seems state laws have changed (MN). Give me a break! She's almost 80. She hides in her room almost 90% of the time. This is assinine.
My BIL's new wife (#11, I think) even had the nerve to think that immediately after the Wake at my house, and after all the other guests had left, that we were going to have A READING OF HER WILL! Like a scene right out of Dynasty! I hadn't slept in 3 nights, had worked myself sick, and here this little hootchie thought that she would be entitled to money, from a dead woman, whom she had only met like 2 times in her short lived marriage! Of course, any and all monies were community property, went to my FIL only! She and my BIL have since divorced, and he's married for the 12th time, I've not met this one, yet! SIL and BIL shouldn't be surprised when they find out that they will receive very little from my FIL, if there is anything left, should he not use it all for his living expenses the rest of his life, which is what will probably happen. I do know that they are expecting something, but that is up to their Dad, how he chooses to disburse his estate. I do also know, they won't be getting much though! My BIL, even went so far to ask his Dad (several years ago, but while he was living here with us) if he would gift him the legal max per year ( $12,000 I think), so that FIL would enjoy seeing him enjoy his Inheritance! Well, that went over like a fart in church! Lol! How delightful! This/his family is F'd up!
I'm not sure if you read my post on the Dysfunctional thread, but my husband sat down with his Dad this morning, and the conversation flowed right into the "We're planning on selling our home and buying a Condo" and "you will be moving into a Senior apartment nearby, we will continue to care for you and see to your needs, we won't abandon you". Unbelievably, the conversation went really smoothly, and I was listening in discreetly. My FIL took it in stride, and now I have mixed feelings about why in the Hell we didn't do this sooner! In the years leading up to hubby's Mom passing away, my FIL often said, "if anything should ever happen to Mother, can I come and live with you two?" And I always thought and understood that it was because he would be lonely and afraid, that he didn't want to be alone, didn't know how to cook, but Now, Today, NO BIG DEAL? IDK, I'm kinda pissed that he didn't Pick Up on the Tension he has created in my home for the past 13 years, and if he thought he could live on his own, then why in the hell didn't he say something!?! A lessor strong couple would definitely broken up over the strain he has put on our marriage! Not really sure how to feel right now!
I have been oddly tired and sort of down for the last few days. daughter came over last night for dinner and stayed awhile, we all had a great time. Then today I got a call from the AL/rehab I applied to a month ago about a float pool job.. They don;t care that September is sort of booked , and that I can;t work nights.. said they would interview me whenever I could come in!! So next Fri I go. Maybe I could squeeze orientation in if they like me? A good friend put a word in for me.. the job was never posted. So wish me luck!! I may be looking into this for full time once I retire from my present job... its alot less stressful and laid back. I'd like to only work 5 more years at my present job, then work closer to home for a few more. So some good news today at least!
30 minutes later. Staring off into space, my dad said, "That shirt is mine. I can still fit it." Ooookaaay... I will put it in the laundry basket. He can keep it. I have tshirts (female ones) that's in the dresser.
Then a hospice nurse called in. She said she sees this all the time. Family even fighting over the Will while the patient lay there dying. The hospice nurses must not interfere or pose as witnesses. They're neutral. But she said that she's seen how the real family are gone and never there for their dying parent - until they're at the end. She sided with Gibson.
A man called in. In their divorce, his wife fought him for everything. She didn't want to split half/half. He warned her that if she won and took everything, he will Not Leave Anything for their children in his Will. She won. He said that he has tried through the years to get close to his children while growing up. But they have been rude and ignored him. Even now, his grown children still treat him rudely. He very firmly said that when he dies, his children will not be in the Will.
It really got to me on Christy's insistence that the children Should get something in the Will. Even after the hospice nurse's comments. There's no ifs, ands or buts. Even when Gibson said that the children were not there while the parent was dying?
Stacey, I still tell my dad that he could have been walking but he refused to do PT after his stroke. I think he just gave up. He was just so tired of caregiving mom for over 20 years. He wanted to be babied like mom. So, he gave up. Now, when he expects me to jump with his orders, I tell him straight that I will do it in my own time table. He Chose to not walk. And I’m not his wife or slave. I’ll get to it when I get to it. He ends up calling me disrespectful… Yeah… that no longer bothers me anymore… I think your FIL is similar to my dad in that he wants to do less and have others do more for him. I hope you’re able to succeed in getting him into S.H.A.G.
Tattoo, Pam – I’m tired too. It’s only 9:11pm and I keep yawning as I type here. Run away? That’s sounds great, Pam.
Where shall we runaway to? Nowhere with rainy weather and dangerous mosquitos. Mosquitos love my blood and aim for me among a group of people. That’s good news for them, but bad news for me. I’m not crazy about the beach. But if you all prefer that, you all can relax in the sun or go swimming. I will have my book (or ebook), under the shade, munching on snacks. Maybe do some window shopping, and stop by a yogurt place.
I think we have 2 wasp nests inside the spare bedroom. One of it is getting bigger. The 2nd one is on the louver. I’m trying to figure out how to spray it on such height. Plus I couldn’t see the holes. I’m worried that it might start moving more inside of the house. I bought the regular wasp spray – not the foam. Hmmm..