This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Sigh... it's 1:30am. I work tomorrow (technically it's Today) and need to get up at 6:30am to change dad's pamper, get him breakfast, throw in a microwaveable burrito for my breakfast and eating it while dressing for work at the same time. Won't tell you how many times I've burned my mouth. It's time to hit the sack.
P.s.. I've set limits with my dad even before he had a stroke. When he came at me to try to choke me, I wasn't a child anymore to just stand there and take that abuse. As an adult, I was going to defend myself. I positioned my body to face his attack in a self defense position. He stopped, stared at my positioned arms and he backed off... I told him and all my siblings that I will not put up with physical abuses like I did as a child. I told them that if dad punches me, on the 4th time, I was out of here. Dad didn't believe me. I looked him straight in the eyes and gave him details of my moving out plan. That was all bluff. Like Veronica said, my real detail plan was the perfect suicide- where, how, etc... I spent a year researching it online... I'm where I am from hard work (having a job was my sanity, dad broke me down, my clients praised me) and friends here in AC. FYI, have no friend here in island. One day, I would love to have one or two friends that are not my family.... it is what it is. Night all! ^_^
I would not encourage you to apologize to Book, it would not mean anything and Book is a stronger woman than needing insincere words from someone she does not know and probably would not want to..
Tex, I don't know how you stood to become a family caregiver after what you went through. I have to admit that I would have left early and never come home again. I probably would have told everyone around me that I was being beat, because I am not one to hold things like this inside. Sorry that you had to endure that as a child. No child should have had to.
When she sent me the photo of her bloating face, I Positively described it as chubby. Niece has a light brown skin. I'm the white skin of the family (from my great great Spanish grandmother). I get mistaken for Japanese, Chinese, even Korean. My niece- never. So I teased her about being Korean because when I looked at her picture, she really looks like one (not Japanese or Chinese) with the wider facial structure and very white face. Niece's normal face is slim and heart shaped.
I laughed hard because her reply (after waking up) was .. I'm Bloating!! ... I should tease her about thinking Positively...
Teacher niece msg back about it being okay to visa. I blinked. Huh? Reread my msg. I wrote "no visitors". {{{shaking my head}}} No Visitors. You can msg or What's App her....
I still have more siblings to inform of the news. I figured to come here, copy and paste my angst and send it as one email with all their names. I don't want to replay my fears.
You guys are great! I appreciate it... Dad's reminding me it's dinner time. Later.
Please contribute to the group effort to be supportive of each other. There are many people here ready to be supportive of you, too. You know that. Why would you lash out at someone here?
I hate that I feel myself pulled into some of the drama around AC lately. I've always been a compassionate person... my compassion level bordering on fanatical at times lol... that's my personality, though. It's why I'm a caregiver to my absentee, dead beat, abusive father who never had anything to do with me, has been the biggest source of pain in my life, and yet I have helped him to the best of my ability, sacrificing my own life for over 5 years now.
We all make choices. I caregive to my dad despite the toll on me. It's my choice. You made your choices, too, tex. The best thing would be to get understanding and support for where you're at from the wonderful people on AC. You make it difficult for others to be supportive by cutting into someone else for no reason, though.
You obviously know nothing about my back story either.
I was raised by two parents who decided I was damaged goods at birth because I was born prematurely in 1954. My mother was bipolar and had narcissistic personality disorder therefore thought she was the only one who deserved any attention. I was abused horrifically everyday of my life. Beaten unmercifully everyday for no reason and as I departed each day for school I was told to not be home 5 minutes from school because she was going to kill me upon my return. My father was not a bad man but pretended not to know about the abuse which was impossible. I suffer from numerous disabilities to this day as a result of her abuse and her neglect to seek medical help for my wounds. During my junior year in high school she couldn't find her hairbrush and insisted I had taken it which I had not. I searched for her brush and found it laying behind her toilet. It must have just fallen off the back of the toilet where she kept it. She was so mad and accused me of planting it there. She went to the back porch where my father hid a baseball bat to kill the squirrels that invaded his precious pecan tree which was more important to him than his own daughter. She beat me so badly she broke numerous bones in my right foot and broke and fractured my left ankle then proceeded to make me walk laps around the back yard to "work the soreness out." My broken bones never healed properly and I am unable at 62 to walk without a walker or transport myself in a wheelchair. I am blind in my left eye from the time she inserted an ice pick in it when I was 13. In spite of it all I was a straight A student all through school. The only positive reinforcement I ever got was from my teachers so I never went to school unprepared because I needed that praise from my teachers. I left home the day I turned 18. Put myself through college while working full time. When I graduated my parents did not as much as give me a pat on the top of my head for a job well done. Neither of my parents could tell you what my major was in college. I worked 60-80 hours a week for the next 30 years an was the VP of Marketing in an international company by the end of my career. My parents had no idea what I did for a living. It was way over their heads especially because their damaged goods daughter had achieved it.
When my mom was 80 I had been living in Philly for 23 years but I came back south to care for her through multiple illnesses. At the time of her death she had never said ONE single kind word to me in 61 years. My mother's sister was 90 and was in a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's. my mom was banned from the NH for severely abusing my aunt. So it became my responsibility to care for her as well. The home my mother chose provided the bare minimum of care but was selected because it was "convenient" for my mom. Every other day for 6 years I went to take care of my sweet aunt. My duties included bathing her and removing the dried built up feces from her behind. Washed and set her hair, took her to Bingo and helped her navigate through it, I read to her, wrote letters to her children and friends, brought her laundry home, washed and ironed her clothing and did it all of again three days a week.
In my "off time" I took care of my boyfriend of 10 years who was disabled from a TBI 30 years before, had a massive stroke at 50 and diagnosed with early onset dementia at 54. I did EVERYTHING for this man. EVERYTHING!!!! Cooked, cleaned, shopped, chauffeured, advocated for him, suctioned out his lungs three times a day, gave him his meds, took him on outings, took him on trips to places I feared he would never see again. To beaches, mountains, new places he had never been. But as his dementia advanced he too became verbally, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me. Full circle for me. Abuse from the two people I had given up much of my life for.
Sorry if your childhood wasn't the greatest either. But before your friends on this site start demanding an apology from me on your behalf perhaps they should have some empathy for me as well. I simply made an observation when I saw you writing about going on vacation, out to dinner with friends, still being unencumbered enough to still be able to work and draw a paycheck, have the time to enjoy a good book and post an enormous number of comments on this site. In ten years I barely had a chance to brush my teeth or take a bath let alone have a lunch date with a friend or go on a vacation. A 72 hour voluntary stay at a nut house would have seemed like a reprieve and a good way to get a much needed Xanax and some shut eye. No apology is forthcoming.
Niece just sent me her bloated face lamenting she looks awful. I messaged back, "Nah, you don't look gross. But your face is looking like mine - chubby. Soon, u will look Korean, too. Especially since you're so pale.. I need my dark glasses...😎"
Book, lifting your niece up in prayer this evening. I don't know what will happen. It sounds pretty bad with the internal bleeding.
[[hugs]]
I'm damaged goods from childhood. I can't say, write or even type the 4-letter word. I felt Compelled to message my fave niece, "I love you, D.." I was crying as I typed this.
I am concerned about your health Book. Years of caregiving have taken a toll. It's sad you cannot have a meeting with all your brothers and sisters to get them to see what caregiving is doing to you. Take care everyone.
Your nephew sounds like mine
When he would spend a couple of days with us to help with grandma I would give him some money to go to the store and buy sandwiches for lunch - when I got home from work I asked him what kind of sandwiches they had
He replied grandma wasn't hungry and didn't want one - odd she's always hungry
Later when I took the trash out I heard glass tinkling in the recycle bin - no sandwiches but he enjoyed a nice 6 pack of beer on auntie - not the cheap stuff but the imported stuff in glass bottles
That said I know he loves her and it was better than her being alone on a hot summer day so as long as you're not planning on moving your nephew in then take whatever precautions you need to safeguard your valuables
Yuki, two weeks in your husband should be dialling back on the pain meds and beginning to feel a lot better. After all, you have a hip replacement to *stop* hip pain, not make it worse. When is his next follow-up appointment? I'd want to check his surgeon is satisfied with his rate of progress, if I were you.
Is getting visits at home from a physical therapist - what does his doctor say about his level of progress?
If instead of a cigarette break can you take a 10 minute walk ?
Sometimes folks behave worst around their family than hired care professionals - can you get help temporarily or when you go back to work ?
Since your Mom got confused with her pill box, my Dad did the same thing, I had to get him "medicine care" option where all the pills are kept in the nurses office at Independent Living, and the "med techs" came around twice a day to give him his required dose... yes, there was a fee for that, but well worth it.
It took me months to finally learn how to speak with my Dad when he was "sundowning" with dementia. I learned to just agree with what he was saying as I knew he would forget it an hour later.... that turned out to be a win-win for both of us. It made him feel good, and the same with me [sorta]. It was a quick fix until the next day.
My parents had passed not that long ago, and I am finally seeing a talk therapist who is my age and had gone through taking care of her elderly Mom... finally a person face to face who DID understand :)
Hard part too - vacant homes are frowned upon by insurance companies and unless things are at all likely to change with regards to Mom's inability to move back and live independently or with the degree of help it would take, should she even be able to accept it - you probably have to start thinking about getting incapacity letters (assuming you already have financial and healthcare POA) so you can sell. You may not need a shrink for yourself, as much as you need a good talk with a geriatric social worker or admissions director for an assisted living facility about your mom's actual abilities to manage even in independent living. I know when my mom's neighbors talked about how she was "sharp as a tack" it tore me up and really slowed me down in doing what needed done - I kept hoping she'd be able to go home way longer than I should have (though not as long as she did :-)
She complains constantly, and i'm sick of it. I am ready to let her go, and the hell with it.
My life is now dealing with this crap twice a day, she lives 8 min from me at Independent Living place.
Was a loner for 30 years, and "just doesn't need anybody"...
She accidentally took 6 days of meds last week, as she got confused on her med box.
I feel i need a shrink, and its only been 3 months since i moved her.
sorry for rant... i'm tired....
//thanks
We need an Edit button!! In the worst way!!