This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Angel, your father might prefer non-family people to assist him in bathing. He might not give them a hard time. Plus I've seen them in action when my didn't want a sponge bath. They were able to calmly and cajole him to agree to it. They have more patience than me.
I don't know if anyone is going to be do a new year's bbq today on our place. They don't usually but SIL puzzled me with a comment about New Years. Yesterday, fave sis said her daughter was doing a bbq today and family was going to her house. I admit that I was hurt on not being invited by fave niece even if I can't go. My shift with dad is when I'm not at work. Oldest sister shift is Monday-Friday only. Fave sis knew I was hurt and kept inviting to the bbq today but it's not the same.... sis said that maybe I can order takeout from my favorite Chinese restaurant. I will do that. I checked my lunch and house money. Oldest sister surprised me last weekend and bought me several micro-dinners. So I have some spare 'house ' $$. Yes! I have enough to buy beef broccoli and oldest sis gave me $4.80 to buy her the walnut shrimp. Yummmm. I better get up. Dad's pamper and b-fast, laundry, etc....
As I read your post about your father and the depends/catheter, my dad is also going through that too -with the catheter. He keeps trying to pull it out. I feel so bad because he would keep telling me that he needs to pee and he can't. In the meantime, his hand is trying to unzip his pants and to reach inside. I tell him to go ahead and pee because the pee will go into the bag. I'm just so glad that he's wearing slacks and not a hospital gown. Can you imagine the mess!? Night!
Vent away, we're here to listen. And we understand better than most would.
The smallest things are getting on my nerves today. The repetition... UGH!!!! I've never been a really patient or diplomatic person, so caregiving REALLY isn't my strong suit... especially since I don't really WANT to do it. I've been caring for this man and the women he beat since I was six years old.
The technology thing is nerve racking. WHY CAN'T THE STUPID CABLE COMPANY KEEP THINGS SIMPLE FOR SENIORS?!?!? He's legally blind with dementia, so the remote is confusing. I glued a textured button to the Channel Up key on the biggest remote I can find, but he still gets confused because the AL has HD cable which means that he has about 100 channels to cycle through. Of course he doesn't have the patience to do that so he insists that someone has "messed up" the TV. I'm sick of hearing that story over and over again.
Sometimes I just want to scream... at him for essentially placing himself in some of this situation (COPD is self inflicted and studies show that excessive smoking is closely linked to dementia). Scream at him for being so dysfunctional and creating this H*LL for me (multiple women that he mistreated, lots of illegitimate children that he abandoned that have NOTHING to do with him). Scream at the other children for not helping (totally irrational). Scream at myself for being such a sour puss about the whole thing.
I feel like I'm trapped in a prison of my own making as well. I've learned to say "no" to more things, but sometimes the guilt creeps up.
I think I'm just hormonal today.... needed to vent
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Almost midnight and dad's hungry. Sis already gave him one bottle of Glucerna shake. Yes, yes, I know that's for diabetics and not normal people. I'm just going to give him one bottle a day until his nutrition drink shipment comes in. I had bought a pigs-in-a-blanket for lunch. I didn't get to eat it. So, we snacked on that tonight. He told me that he doesn't like the meat (hot dog.) I told him that he needs meat in his diet for the protein. He wins. He left the meat on his side table.
Susan, I've learned that if I want to keep up-to-date with my sibs/family, I just read their FaceBook posts. I try not to 'like' their posts or comment. I don't want them to know that I'm keeping up with their news. I think with my family, we want to 'pretend' that only our friends are reading our posts - and not our immediate family. I do Lots and Lots of saving of my family's latest pictures in FB. They don't send it to me by Messenger. So, I go to FB and scroll thru their posts for the latest photos. It's the only way. Again - I won't post. - but all their friends do.
Please consider it. It will make all the difference in the world.
I was hoping against hope that my oldest son would call or show up, but he didn't. He has cut us out of his life yet again, and severed the last remaining method for me to reach him, which was Facebook. He deleted his account. I wasn't badgering him, just asking where he was and if he was ok - when he didn't respond, I restrained myself to the point of just leaving messages on his birthday and holidays - so I said "Happy Birthday, I love you" and "Happy Thanksgiving, I love you"...and was going to do the same for Christmas, but he deleted his account. I have no way to reach him now. I know where he works, but if his past habits continue, he won't be there long before he quits or gets fired. It's only a matter of time before someone else in the family passes away, or some other emergency happens and I will have no way to reach him, which I guess is the way he wants it.
Don't worry, Windy, I may not comment lately but I still drop by to read.
I'm also stressing over dad's meals. Or lack of it. His nutrition drinks are running out. The supplier was expecting shipment last month and it still hasn't come in. They were only able to give one box - which we're now down to 6 cans. He's not interested in real food. He used to love pizza. Now he doesn't care for it. The same applies to his snacks. I've tried mixing Ensure with milk to dilute the sweetness but it's still too sweet. He no longer likes bananas and mangerines. I shared with him an orange - he sucked the insides but... tomorrow, I'm going to Google on ideas for nutritional food for an elderly who doesn't like sweet or sour foods ...and must be soft food.
Oh, please keep an eye on your mom's lack of bowel movement. Mom was constipated. I think she had a back flow and ended up in the hospital for a month for blood poisoning. That's what I was told by dad at the time.
My mom continues down her miserable path. Steroids and codeine aren't doing it evidently. Now she's constipated but won't let me put her in-patient at the hospital to get the tests she needs to get to the root of the problem. I'm just waiting for the 3 a.m. call, once again. She has roid rage and is yelling at everyone. It's lovely! :P
My mom was prescribed a course of steroids in case it's an inflamed pinched nerve and also Tylenol/Codeine. It seems to be helping a wee bit. It's been less than 24 hours so hoping relief kicks in big time before we bring her to our house for Christmas tomorrow. She hasn't been on any prescriptions before at this AL (three years!) so she is not signed up with their med passer. Mom is too confused to dose correctly so I wrote very explicit instructions for both her and the caregivers for the next 24 hours. I will manage her meds tomorrow and hopefully Monday the doctor will be in to sign her up for her med needs.
Off to visit FIL who is on hospice at another AL. Kind of a crazy train kind of Christmas! Wishing everyone some peaceful moments tonight.