This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I didn't ask for this. I was SOOOO excited to go back to work today only to get a call from the Adult Day Center that Dad isn't feeling well... constipation... again.
I've done everything I can possibly think of to help with this. Of course, he didn't tell me he was having issues the entire weekend or my day off yesterday. No, he has to wait until I get back to work... AN HOUR AWAY to whine for me to pick him up, so now I must leave work, waste gas money that I don't have and lose income to pay for said gas money to pick him up because he can't POOP!!!!
I HATE THIS!!!! I'm sorry! CODA tells me to be authentic. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!! Thanks to my whole miserable upbringing, I've determined the following:
I DON'T WANT CHILDREN!!! I've had to care for someone against my will my entire life. When is it my turn to live for myself. Besides, having kids now means that I would be potentially putting my adult children in the same situation I'm currently in. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE!!!
I DON'T WANT TO GET OLD... if I am remotely in the state that my Dad is in or some of the other residents, I seriously would like the option to relieve myself as well as anyone else I'm potentially burdening (Considering that I'm still single and don't want kids, that would probably mean ridiculously expensive caregivers that don't give a crap). The only ones who benefit from keeping the elderly and sick hanging on for dear life are the pharma companies and the facilities. It's 5K a month for care - an expense I have been supplementing for a BS promise I made to Dad...
I wish I had a "dear old Dad" that was loving and sadly ended up in this situation because he was widowed or something... NOT THE CASE. HE WAS AWFUL (though to hear him tell it, not the case. HELLO!!! Parenting involves more than providing monetary support. Keep your money and be a DAD for goodness sake....
I'm so irritated right now.... sorry guys....
Angel16, good luck today!
BOOKLUVR, I hear ya on those giggling thighs! LOL!
Just have to tell a funny story to break things up because I giggle everytime I think of it. Had a very rare chance to go into the big city today and went to our favorite Szechuan Chinese restaurant. The food is authentic and I love it! I so enjoyed this rare treat. Being a holiday of sorts I ordered a Bacardi Coke (not very Chinese, I know). The super cute, young and wonderful waitperson did not have a great command of English, but that's okay. I understand. She asked me why I wanted broccoli with Coke. She was not familiar with alcohol and was new and I understood her confusion. She asked another waiter behind her if they had ??? with coke. He understood and everything went great. Our entire meal was just what I needed. Our waitress was very new but so, so sweet. We giggled about it the whole time with her. Tipped 30% because she was just so genuine and helpful. I will never forget the broccoli coke. Gives me a chuckle during difficult times at not at her expense either. I am into languages and it was just a time when I needed some humanity and laughter about how things can just get jumbled.
Much easier than how our elders lose their language and lose their ability to communicate.
And we all need a laugh now and then.
Thus, no dinners out because of the fear that you would place an order and the cell would ring from Mom that Dad fell and couldn't get up. Mom couldn't hear so telling her to call 911 was mute [pun intended]. Forget going to the movies, leaving half way through the film wasn't worth it.
One just becomes so conditioned to living that way, that even if the parent is placed in a higher level of care, you can't shake the conditioning. Even now, with both of my parents had passed, I still remain home as I just can't shake the feeling. Talk therapy is helping, but it is going to take time.
Happy New Year.... all I can say is that 2017 won't be boring, for those who know what I mean :P
Angel, you did the right thing. As harsh as it sounds, this fall was probably a blessing in disguise, because it was someone else telling him he needed to go to the hospital - not you. When it comes from you, it's too easy for him to just say NO. But when a medical professional tells him he should go, and another medical professional tells him he needs rehab/therapy or skilled care in a facility, then maybe it will be a little easier for him to accept. I'm sure you will get better rest tonight, and will see things more clearly as they start to fall into place with the medical staff's help. Don't forget to avail yourself of the hospital's social services assistance - they will help get him placed in a facility that can handle his specific needs and will help you get everything in place for Medicaid, etc (if he's not on that already). Let them help you.
It was on Thursday this happened, and he fell twice in 12 hours, the first time while we had gone out for a couple of hours, the first time in 3 months, and I'd even called him, to let him know that we would be home with dinner in 15 minutes, but he Had to got up from his chair, to "go to bed", at 5:30pm!) Now this is why I think he is being a jerk, sulking because we went and Left Him, and he Knew we would be Right Home! So Friday morning, we took him into the Drs, instead of waiting over the Holiday weekend, to go to the ER. Now, I almost wished we'd waited and gone the same route that you did, requesting they keep him, and admit him to Rehab, as his strength is so deminished, and he is so weak! But No, he remains with us, now Showboating, doing his laps around the house to "regain his strength" (as he should have been doing all this time, since PT, last summer! ), and now "acting" appreciative, as I told him he Never shows any to his Son, who Cleaned up his horrible mess he dragged all over the carpets, both poop and blood. I don't blame him for falling (well kinda), but I told him how he Never says Thank you for all his Son does for him on the daily, and now his Thanks doesn't seem genuine!
I spent yesterday, doing his laundry and his filthy sheets on his bed, and Insisted he have a shower, as I know he is covered in poop! Yuck, it's this part of the caregiving, that I am not cut out for, especially for my Narcissistic FIL!
He's a jerk, and I can barely tolerate him much longer, and neither can my husband. I outright told my FIL, that a Nursing home is in his future, so all this phoney baloney Show-boating, isn't going to keep us from that goal in the near future! He might think it will, but a little bit too late Bud!
Typical Narcissistic, he told ne the only thing that he can do for my husband is to offer him money, I told him to keep every penny, other than what he chips in to live here with us each month per our caregiving contract, as he will need it for his new living expenses at the Nursing home. He did initially get all riled up with me over him saying he doesn't have the money for that, plus, he said he will Never go to nursing home, as they are all shite holes where they "dump old people, terrible places"! But I'm not one to back down to his ranting, and I asked him (right in front of his Dr), when the last time he Went to a nursing home, he said the 50's or 60's, and I said they aren't like that anymore, that there are new regulations, and that we wouldn't just dump him into any old place! The Dr pipped in with "your son and DIL have taken very good care of you for 13 years, why would you think they would stop now"? And he backed down a little. We went on to discuss it while he was waiting in line for lab work, and he agreed to go to visit a Nursing home with me, so that is progress!
I know he's been thinking about this topic for a while, and I know that he hears my husband and I talking (arguing) about it (all the friggin time), so hopefully, and despite these recent Show-boating episodes, trying to prove to us that he can IMPROVE overnight, he will come to grips with the obvious, and that we can't go on like this much longer.
He Never even considers that We might like to get on with our own lives, and we desperately want to sell our home while the housing market is still in this upswing, as it is in our area, and buy a nice little Condo, so that we will be free to travel, and will be able to buy one outright, and only have Condo dues, and normal monthly expenses. Nope, he only thinks about himself, and has even told my husband that he'd better not die before he does, as then of course, I would dump him into a Shite hole of a Nursing home! Yup, that's what we live with here, and he's getting worse all the time, as he falls further into the world of Dementia!
I do have to say, that after listening to you guys talk about how you are still so tethered to your LO's in Senior living situations, I am a little discouraged! I think its important to set your boundries right from the get go, once they move into the Home, or else we'll never be free to begin enjoying our lives again!
I know that I'm rambling here, and whining, and that so many of you guys have it much worse off tha me, so sorry about! I do so appreciate having you all to complain to, and just to write this all out, to get it off my chest! Not that it helps, Lol! No, it actually really does! 😉!!!
I wish for you All, a Very Happy New Year! One filled with a much easier time than this last year! It was a Doozy! Love, Stace
If you are interested, let me know and I'll message you the names and links for the ebook freebie services. :-)
Hard to believe I've been working from bed for a full month now - glad to hopefully see the end of it soon. The neck/shoulder pain is not as bad as it was at first, so the bed rest is helping, but it's definitely not 100% yet. I still can't sit upright at my desk to work for more than 15 minutes, walk for more than 20 minutes without having to sit down, or drive more than a few miles. Hoping my dr. appt. next week comes up with some solutions, or at least a start to a treatment program for this thing. I know one thing - I probably won't ever be a good "caree" for a caregiver, because I *hate* being stuck in bed!
I know Jello has a great no-bake cheesecake recipe if you can get the Jello mix. Haven't made it in years but I remember it was yummy.
Hubby and I splurged last night and made pears wrapped with prosciutto ham, baked and then drizzled with balsamic vinegar, an Asian kale salad and then crab legs with garlic and lemon butter. Kind of all over the map but a good New Year's treat.
I know it's now a new year but we are all dealing with the same old struggles. I intended to come into it with a new and improved attitude. That lasted exactly 11 hours and ended when I saw mom today. She has now developed bedsores on her backside from sleeping in her recliner. Thankfully, the caregivers are on the ball and treating it with ointment. I told her medicare will pay for an airbed so she can get out of the recliner. She screamed at me that she is NOT going on hospice.
I am so very grateful that the visiting doctors program starts this week. She was so very angry at me signing her up for that, but otherwise they'd kick her out. It's state law to have a primary doc if you are in an AL. Some of this stuff will be out of my hands. It won't be up to me to make her go to a doctor (well, for the most part). They can prescribe pain meds and manage them for her back pain.
When they give her a physical I will leave them a private note to check the nickel sized melanomas on her back. It has to be what it is - raised, black and bumpy with blue and yellow in the middle. So bad looking, I think she's shot through with cancer, but at a doctor's office for her back/constipation issues she refuses to let them look at them. Maybe now we can get to the bottom of her pain.
Sorry to hear about the BBQ mess-up by fave niece and that your Chinese order was not what you were anticipating. Stinks to be excluded because you were caring for your dad doing the hard work they avoid. Sometimes I just shake my head. Big hugs sent your way, book, and that there is some ease in this madness for you in 2017.
I downloaded more ebooks into the kindle app. Storage shrank. After googling yesterday, I deleted the Facebook and radio Apps. And then added these 2 websites onto the iPad desktop as an icon instead of an app. By doing this, it doesn't affect my storage at all. Yes! I can download more ebooks. \o/ \o/
Let's hope your dad continues to agree to the washings. I remember those times with no fondness at all. I remember the bribing, too. And the saying how he really smells and family will be visiting soon and smell him stinky. Those worked for a while and then .... it got to only him agreeing to shower from several times a week to every week to then bi-weekly. By the time he had his stroke, it was down to monthly. I am glad that this new strategy is working for you.
Now, who ever heard of salt and pepper pork chop - with the pork chop being BREADED?!?! I have eaten at several different Chinese restaurants, and I never had breaded salt n pepper pork chop. I don't even like breaded meat. Well... that's the last time I order that specific food from that specific restaurant.
Hmmm.. I keep thinking of getting a piece of that pumpkin pie I bought yesterday. I couldn't believe how much it cost to buy pumpkin pie. $10.75!!!! So, to make it last long, instead of cutting the pie into 8 pieces, I cut it into 12 pieces. Since I'm also craving cream cheesecake, I've been googling for a non-bake recipe. I don't have an oven, or a toaster oven.. Just the microwave and a hot plate/burner.
We try to keep things politically neutral here.
She really fought them on it, because it was uncomfortable and cold for her to sit on the shower chair in the big shower room they had. Then they asked if she wanted to try the walk in tub - hallelujah! She loved it. She hadn't had a good soak in a tub in years - just showers.
When she told me she took a bath, I asked how she liked it - she laughed and pointed at her chest and said, "They FLOAT!!" LOL
I had the same struggle with my mother. She was a large woman, and getting into and out of the tub was difficult for her, and she was frightened she would fall. I totally understood that, but when I moved in with her, she hadn't taken a full shower in MONTHS. There was literally about an inch of dust in the tub from not being used. I paid $800 to have the tub cut down so she could just step in and out of it, put her large bath chair in there so she could sit and shower. She did very well with that for the first few months, then the resistance kicked in. She was too tired. She'd do it later. After this tv program. After dinner. Tomorrow morning, she liked showering in the morning better. Later today, after lunch. Every excuse under the sun.
I finally had to do what you did. After cajoling, pleading, begging, BRIBING (yes, I even resorted to that), I finally had just had enough one day and got a little upset and raised my voice to her - something I never did - and told her, "Mom, there is a bad odor in the house, and it's because you are not showering. You are going to get an infection or skin breakdown in your skin folds, and have to go to the hospital - and guess who's going to be questioned by Adult Protective Services about your care - or lack of it?? ME. And I'm NOT letting that happen. So you are going to shower TODAY. RIGHT NOW. And that's all there is to it!"
She showered. I hated taking that step, but it became necessary, and there were times she still resisted it, but for the most part, she showered on a fairly regular basis at that point. But I had to use this tactic pretty much every time after that.
What you'll want to check on is if he's actually showering, too - one of the ways I realized that Mom's dementia was getting worse was that she would get into the shower and simply sit there, letting the water run over her. She wouldn't do anything, then she'd get out and say she was done. Except....she definitely wasn't. There'd be evidence all over the chair and all over her backside that she hadn't washed, and her hair was dry. A few times, she actually fell asleep in there. (She could fall asleep in a matter of seconds.) I finally had to start washing her and washing her hair for her.