This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I know that the next few days will be busy for you, so be sure to take a couple of breathers, you can do this! I hope your Dad is being well cared for! Kinda jealous here!
Keep us posted - playing tag with doctors in the hospital is never easy -
If you have the time, swing by the nursing home tomorrow and meet the head of nursing and have them show you around - sometimes a Friday move-in is a tough day as they're gearing up for the weekend
Keep us posted
Hope you had a good nap
Grab a book and maybe get a nice hot latte from Starbucks
Is today day 2 of dad's hospital stay?
I'd be surprised if a doctor calls you unless they actually find something from the tests they've run as it sounds like he was admitted just to give you time to find a placement - I'm sorry I don't quite remember if a rehab facility has been identified and a bed is available ? If not, then please try to connect with the social worker as if tomorrow is day 3 then the last thing you want is him discharged to just anywhere there's an open bed
OGenki desu ka
Angel...take it easy today, but don't stay in bed all day. Get out and get some fresh air, enjoy talking with people other than your Dad and doctors. Just take some "me" time.
It is so refreshing to hear someone else articulate some of the things I feel, too.
KUDOS FOR TAKING SOME YOU TIME!!!!! YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!
As for dating, I SO get it. I just gave up. It's really hard to find someone who understands the sacrifices of caring for a parent. I used to compare it to dating someone with children, but I really think it's different because we're dealing with adults.
If it wasn't for this forum, I would drown in loneliness. Hang in there Angel! You're doing an amazing job.
I'm so exhausted and it's only 7:30pm. My feet is killing me. I have a feeling I'm going to have some major legs cramps tonight.
I had my kindle to read during those 3 hours. I sometimes made conversation with the man behind me and the woman in front of me. When I reached the front of the lines, elderly people would walk up next to me. It's the law here that anyone age 55 and over have the right to walk to the front of the line of all government offices. So, I made conversation with them. One white non-American elderly man felt bad cutting in front of me. He offered for me to go ahead of him. I reassured him no, he can go first.
A while later still at the front of the line (too many elderlies cutting in front of me), I suddenly looked up, turned behind me and saw this gray haired Asian man several feet away. He bowed and quietly said, "Sumimasen, I'm so sorry but..." I answered with a sigh, "but you're old, at least age 55. Please come here." He replied {I think I insulted him using the word 'old'}, "I'm age 59." As usual, I started the conversation with him, like all those before him.
Needless to say, out of all those I had conversations with, 4 of them, including the Asian man, waved to me goodbye as they left the DMV.... I'm skipping the slide walking exercise today. My feet is sore. I 💭{think} I will sleep early tonight, even before 11:30pm.
I'm sure you know how the rules work but please make sure dad is admitted to the hospital for a full 3 nights in order for Medicare to pick up the first 20 days of rehab
As FF notes above the family care doesn't stop after placement - I was exhausted with mom in rehab for 6 weeks a year ago even with a private aid 4 hours a day
Now that she's in a memory are facility I'm equally exhausted - i still wake up at various times during the night thinking I hear her needing to get up to use the bathroom and in addition to having private aides with her 12 hours a day (unless they cancel) I spend a significant amount of time there too - even more so over the holidays as the facility has been short staffed
I feel badly for those there who either have no loved ones or whose loved ones just dump and run - one new resident spent Christmas Day crying because she didn't know where her daughter and granddaughters were - others sit by the front door waiting for someone to come who never does and I don't think these folks even get dinner
Staff if they even bother to try and redirect just say oh they'll be here at 10 am to have breakfast with you - early on I told staff not to tell my mom that as I work and will not be there at 10 am and mom knew they were lying to her. Of course staff lies to families as well so there's no easy path on this journey
Hope you get some well needed rest and dad regains some strength to make it easier on you both
My own mother had the same problem. She was relatively lucid for the most part outside of the hospital, but after a serious fall at home, she was in the hospital for about a week. I had to start staying with her at the hospital 24/7, because the nursing staff couldn't watch her constantly, and she kept trying to get out of bed (they put a bed alarm on), yanking out her catheter, yanking out her IV, etc - and it all occurred at night. She'd never had a sundowning episode in her life - only when she was in the hospital. She was hospitalized 3x over the course of a year, and each time, the dementia progressed further and she never was able to regain the ground she lost each time.
One night, when I was staying in the hospital with her, I was dozing lightly (because I never went into deep sleep for fear she'd wake up and do something before I could get to her) - and I heard her start moving around in the bed. I got up to check on her and saw her holding something in her hand and waving it around. I said, "Mom, what are you....MOM! That's your IV!" Her response? "Oh is it?" I asked her if it hurt and she said she didn't feel a thing. Same response when she ripped her catheter out with her hand and caused bleeding down there. Didn't hurt a bit.
The symptoms subsided somewhat in the nursing home, but she never was quite the same.
I have been feeling the same way you do. I'm much older than you -- 64. I looked back over the last year of my life and know it was wasted. I do everything around here and the only reward I get is someone yelling at me that I don't do anything for them. Why do we keep doing it? Heck if I know. Maybe it is because someone has to do the job and no one else is lining up to help.