This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Oh geez - hope they're not going to break that next
She couldn't stand up so it could be a variety of things, including vertigo which surprised me as I didn't think pets would get that. So I will be sharing my vertigo medicine with her.
The cat is quite overweight so it's a challenge for me to pick her up to move her around. How in the world do you caregivers to this with an adult??? At least the cat is cooperative.
Driver's ed classes here in MN run around $300 or used to 5 years ago when my son took them. It's absolutely frightening right now with the roads covered in ice. Hundreds of accidents and two people dead in the past two days. If she's moving anywhere in the northern U.S., she certainly needs lessons on driving in this crapola.
Not looking forward to 'skating' to my mom's place tomorrow. Another 2" of snow and high of 0 tomorrow. I will have my 4 wheel drive Jeep tomorrow, thank goodness, but my son will want to drive. Hmmmm....40 years experience of driving in this stuff, or 5? He's so over confident especially in a 4 x 4. This front seat passenger will have her opinions. Ha!
My mom continues to decline. Is now totally bowel incontinent. She sits on the toilet forever and nothing happens. 20 minutes later, she goes in her Always panties with no control.
She told me today she is so tired of fighting whatever is happening to her. She is ready to give up. I told her I don't blame her as she is suffering. It's understandable she doesn't want to live that way. I think the spinal compression fractures are affecting how her nerves communicate with her bodily functions. Not much can be done about that at this stage.
We'll be at the urologist on Friday, so perhaps I can get some confirmation of my fears. I really want the support of hospice, for me, and for her. When my dad died, they helped so much for his care and my mental and emotional state. Mom refused to be there for him. It was incredible the pain that caused for me being between him asking her to visit and her refusal to go. She went once to see him hospice in the two weeks before he died. She says she will never go on hospice ever. Yet tells me in the next breath that she wishes she had pain meds and could just "go". It's a conflict for her. I don't think we are talking about my dad's brain cancer or euthanasia. I think she's angry and jealous that he 'just died like that!' Yeah mom. That was easy. :(
At some point, I will call them in myself. She starts visiting doctors on the 18th. She'll not know the difference in who is seeing her. We have a pain med clinic visit on Monday. Perhaps that will overlap with an investigation by me into hospice care. Her spine is literally crumbling.
My son and I will bring the grand dog tomorrow. He always brightens her spirits. Then son is back to college until March. I honestly don't know if he'll see her again. Hard to think about. :(
Windy, we never have snow. With fave niece moving to the states, I keep telling her to try to enroll in drivers ed classes. You all have more street signs than here. With 3 kids, she needs to learn the rules of the road. SIL scoffed and said that niece can learn from YouTube. Really? I don't think so.
MsMadge, that is great news that your mom is accepting the caregiver. I smiled when I read that. That's the same with my dad. They rotate the caregivers who come over to give him a sponge bath. He usually gives the new ones a hard time at the beginning.
I keep checking Home Depot for that dia..earth soil. Either there's nothing, or there's this large bag of it (overkill.) My sensitivity to chemicals is getting worse. For the toilet cleaner, I'm now down to Home Depot's brand. At first, I didn't react to it. Yay! Lately, although I can't smell it, I've been getting headaches. I'll check for the alternate option in Amazon. Typing fast because it's late and time to change dad's pamper, shower and ...
Lastnight, my best friend from high school called me. Her hubby is in the military since they graduated from college. He's in the medical field and she's a teacher. Anyway, she's visiting on island since her mom still lives here. She actually remembers my home phone number! Yes, we've had this phone number since forever. We're going to have lunch before she leaves island on the 20th.
I helped her become interested in my religion. She converted. And she's been a very religious person since then. She asked me how I was doing spiritually. I was blunt. I said, "I'm not spiritual at all. However, I haven't done any major Bad thing! Anyway, how can I do anything bad if all I've been doing is work and home." I told her that I'm just sooooo tired. I've been a caregiver since my mid-20's. She gave a startled sound and said that that's right. She remembers now..... In our religion, it is frowned upon if we seek therapy. I needed to let her know this because in our religion, "bad association spoils useful habit". I wanted to let her know that I'm not a good Christian because I sought therapy when I became seriously suicidal. It's a good thing she's married to man of the medical field. She quickly replied, "Of course you have to seek therapy!!"
Today, I met another member of my religion. She looked at me straight in the eyes, and I smiled to her. In the past, she was very, very friendly. Today, she looked as if she didn't see me smile. I wasn't there. No acknowledgement to me. She is now the Third person in my religion to treat me as if I've been 'ex-communicated'. As if I don't exist.... I will need to tell BF this during luncheon. Maybe she doesn't know that I'm suppose to be avoided. Knowing her, she won't care because I'm like the lost sheep that needs to be drawn back to the fold. How can you draw the sheep back if you're avoiding it? It just hurts that I'm being treated as if I don't exist. To be looked right through as if you're not there....
Had a non stressful/stressful day with our son today. Made it to Trader Joe's for food shopping 20 miles away. Love to look at the new offerings. Bacon Jam is sort of new. Was not expecting a sweet flavor profile. Got some fun cheese and some good pears.
Stress part was a heavy snow burst that made roads very slick. Had my husband take my Jeep to work this morning as this was anticipated. Guess I am crazy as 20 year old son drove me in a '95 Mustang with rear wheel drive. Was glad to get out of heavy metro traffic, but my goodness, the rural roads were a challenge. Whiteouts and no plows yet. We fishtailed a few times. Not fun. It's good to see he knows to kiss the brakes and gas pedal. We didn't end up in the ditch. Did a 180 in the neighborhood to give me a thrill. That's when you hit the break on ice and the car spins all the way around. Fun in Minnesota! Gosh, I'm getting to old for this stuff!
Mom is stabilized. Took the day off to do 180's. Urologist moved up to Friday. I prefer 180's. :)
Interesting...
Book, if you do want to kill them on purpose, diatomaceous earth is a non-toxic substance that kills cockroaches. You put a thin layer down around outside your house and around edges of your floors inside. I used it for an annoying roach problem I had in an apartment I used to live in.
Alexander, mom's referral doctor set up an appointment for my dad, my oldest brother and me. This was when mom was diagnosed with dementia. He told us that this will be a long hard road and that we needed all the family to deal with this. Ha!! That advice went in and then out of bro's ears. There was dad and us 8 kids.. and mom's care. In the next 20 years of mom's life it was mainly dad and I. I finally understand why dad kept saying, "I'm tired of asking for help repeatedly I don't like begging for their help....".. I'm now in his shoes. I find myself saying it... I've found that family are willing to work if you offer to pay them.
I found paid caregivers to be a great lifeline, and once you get the right person who is a good fix, she can become like a good friend to talk to and get some advice, you can work together as a team or do your own thing while she is there.
Or you could bring in a male caregiver. My Dad had a male caregiver for a short time when we were first finding a good fit. This male caregiver had a fascinating life and was quite the nerd, so was my Dad so I thought it was a good match. But Dad said it felt strange having a man doing the cooking, laundry, and washing dishes. Well, Dad was in his 90's, thus a different era. My Dad did better with female caregivers giving him directions [like my late Mom did].
Quick question: Anybody know causes of dark urine? Now that mom has a catheter I can see how dark it is in the bag. No blood evident. They tested her for UTI on Friday and she was fine. I know she doesn't drink enough water. Perhaps it's just too 'concentrated' due to dehydration? She has an appointment with a urologist but not until the 18th. It kind of freaked me out!
When I first moved Dad in with me (before choosing a facility), he was FURIOUS. After refusing to take the master bedroom downstairs, I got him to reluctantly call me if he needed to go downstairs for anything (which meant a miserable two weeks on the sofa upstairs)
One night I heard a strange shuffling followed by a thump... then again...and again. I woke up to find dad scooting down the stairs one at a time. When I asked what he was doing, he said "I'm going home"
Too tired to argue I told him to keep on scooting down I-85 and he would eventually make it home!!!!