This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
That is strange how the salmon was served and allowed to continue to cook. I like your idea of a separate plate for the fish. The chef could learn from you, truly.
You made me really hungry for Taco Bell. The nearest one to me is 20 miles so I don't have it too often. I always get a crunchy beef taco with extra cheese and onions and a side of refried beans. It's tasty and I like the price! Way back when I lived and worked in the city, I was at their drive through at least twice a week for lunch. If I was feeling flush, I'd get their Mexican pizza with a side of beans. Yum!
How is your dad doing? Any changes with him lately? My mom had a troubling change today. Her feet and ankles are now incredibly swollen to the point her skin is shiny. The nurse got her into her recliner with her feet raised up high up on pillows above her heart. They suspect she may have kidney or heart problems. We'll discuss this with hospice tomorrow. The AL nurses are not sure she is a candidate for a diuretic as she doesn't drink enough water and is under 80 lbs. now.
These are sure interesting times for all of us. ((Hugs)) to you!
I'm a creature of habit. I can do the same thing over and over for decades and not have any desire to deviate. I will go to Taco Bell and always order either the burrito supreme or the small crunchy tacos. Period. Same applies for Burger King - always the Whopper Jr. Subway - always the tuna sandwich-same stuffing, no deviation.
Therefore, I really enjoy eating out with others. They would say, "That's what you're ordering? Chicken?! Why don't you try this dish or that dish. You'll like it. Anyway, I'm treating." And I try something new. When best friend came and we had teppanyaki lunch. Nothing on that menu was I familiar with. So I chose something. OMG! The tofu was yummy!!! The bean sprouts was yum!!! The salmon was yummmmm. Too bad the steak had too much fats, I almost choked several times trying to swallow it whole since chewing, chewing, chewing was NOT working to cut it to smaller piece. In the end, I didn't eat the steak. But, this made me realized how much I am missing out on Not eating other food.
So, I've tried the new spicy chicken sandwich at Wendys. Whew is that hot and delicious (but it made a dent on my lunch budget.) I went to Denny's to celebrate January. Instead of ordering my usual, I tried something different: Salmon, potatoes, cherry tomatoes and mushrooms skillet meal. Hmmm. If only the whole food was tasty. Unfortunately, some portions were very bland. And if I ever order it again, I will request a separate small plate to put the salmon on. As the food continued to cook from the very hot skillet, the salmon was also cooking and.. at first it was delicious. But towards the end, it was hard and dry. Lesson learned - separate the salmon!
I missed a lot on not being adventurous when it comes to trying new food. On the other hand, although I enjoyed the Denny's salmon, my favorite food (scrambled eggs, mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers) still wins hands down. Later! Past midnight...
You can do a search here and see more alternate advises.
Her son is too wrapped up in himself, ex MIL might hear from him every two months. I have explained the situation to him many times, I have begged him to take her, just for a few hours. He says he will, but never shows up.
Things started the down hill slide about 8 months ago. Y'all know the drill. I believe the tipping point was when we had to evacuate from hurricane Matthew.
When we were able to return home (no damage thankfully) she got depressed, stopped drinking enough water, lost her appetite etc. Was admitted to hosp 3 times for dehydration and bladder infections.
I have been trying to find a nursing home for her. Her insurance won't pay for it, she can't afford it and her son...well he's too busy.
DCF was contacted, they came out and interviewed everyone, they are aware that she can't/won't care for herself. self neglect is common. She agreed to placement, so DCF has started the process. When I spoke with them yesterday, I was told they were working on it and I needed to be patient, it could take some time,
I am looking for someone to come in 2-3 days a week. 4-5 hours each day, help with her daily needs and give me a break.
I am very worried about her increased aggression, yesterday she told me daughter that she was going to slap her. My daughter was trying to get her to put dry clothes on. What if she does hit someone??
How are you doing, book? Are the migraines bothering you and the stress at work? Who am I kidding, from your dad?
Hope you have something good to read to de-stress. I wish you could get away for just a couple of nights for you. I know that's not possible. Wish I could wave a magic wand for you!
You're in a really bad situation and I know everyone on here would like to help if you can give us a little more background. Hugs to you! It's not easy no matter how you got to where you are now.
Is placing your ex MIL in care facility an option? You can't go on like this because you'll make yourself physically, emotionally, mentally ill, so what's going to change?
I am a slave to my ex-mother in law. A prisoner in my own home. She can't be left alone, refuses to care for herself, even bathing is a daily battle. She is verbally and emotionally abusive when I try and make sure she is cleaning herself after bowel and/or urine incontinence.
Her room smells of urine regardless of what I do.
Except for my insistence that she shower, she will not wash her hands or even use hand sanitizer, sooo.......I can't use the bathroom that we share without first using Lysol wipes on the toilet, vanity, door frame, walls and door handle.....cleaning up the stool that is everywhere she touched.
I know she has dementia and that it is not her fault but the disease.
This should be a joyful time in my life.....I will become a grandmother in about 6 weeks. Instead of being able to enjoy this special time with my daughter, I feel like a slave to a woman I am not even related to.
I am past emotional exhaustion - not sure if I need to cry or scream.
It's good that your brother is there. It gives you some me time knowing that you're being covered by a family member.
Siblings can be so obtuse or just plain unwilling. Mine is obtuse and living in some other reality. He's sweet and well-intentioned in a way, but just ignores reality. So frustrating.
Just now, I'm going to change dad's pamper. My glance landed on his shoes. Oh, wow! Talk about coincidence! Right there, on top of his shoes, is a mirror tile- all in one piece, and no cable damaged. Talk about perfect timing! This is what I mean about listening to your guts. {too bad I'm lousy at it when it comes to my work.}
The three of us got my mom out for lunch today. I can't believe she wanted to go after sleeping almost all day and night yesterday. The rollercoaster continues. She still loves to get out but for how long, who knows? She barely spoke today but ate half of her cup of soup then oddly threw up some of it through her nose. It shocked all of us, her the most as it was so strange. That ended the eating of soup. :(
I also noticed a new problem when switching her over from her snow boots to her shoes - Her feet are very swollen now, so much so that a corn on her bunion started bleeding and looks like it could become infected. Poor woman, it seems every day it's something new and painful. I bandaged the corn and will have the hospice nurse take a look tomorrow.
I love hearing your descriptions of your family members, each with their own unique perspectives. Reminds me of my own family! ;) I'm sure most of us can relate. They sure keep life interesting (and maddening at times!) ((Hugs)) to you and good thoughts sent your way for strength and peace.
Good to hear bro is executor. Let him deal with that when the day comes! If it helps, most of the time at least where I live, the executor is almost always the POA. Hint, hint to your brother.
That evening, her daughter and the family came to visit and brought home-made dinner. While eating, sis' TV turned in loud volume in her bedroom. Her daughter went in and turned it off. Went back to the dinner table. The TV turned on again. Sis told her daughter to just leave it alone. It will turn off when 'they' get tired of it. Daughter went in and this time the TV wouldn't turn off - by remote or the TV. So, she unplugged it. Daughter then said aloud to the spirit to quit it. Sis told her that she shouldn’t have said that. Just leave it alone.
In our talk, I found out that older sis can also see the spirits, like oldest sis and nephew. She was telling me where she saw each of the spirits when she came home when mom was dying. She told me that I’m like SIL – who refuses to believe in the spirits. I have never denied them. I just refuse to acknowledge their presence when they’re around me.
When her younger daughter came to visit our island, older sis warned her ahead of time, that we are different from the rest of our people. She said that we’re lighter skin and … prettier .. than our people – because of our Spanish ancestry. Sis chuckled. She said that when her daughter came back from visiting our island, she told her mother that she was right. I told sis that the problem with our people is that they have no self respect. They go around in public dressed up yucky…. Gosh, I’m tired.
I still recall, still do compare tomboy mom to the completely different stranger she became. I liked the stranger. My dad is changing, too. He used to have such a wonderful singing voice. Now, he can't even sing a pitch, voice wobbles and cracks, definitely out of tune. It's hard to see the once strong parent become a shadow of their former self.
A book came to mind as I read your post. Have you read: Loving Someone Who Has Dementia. How to Find Hope While Coping with Stres and Grief.
This book helped me to see that as my mom slowly changed, how difficult it is as I slowly watch her 'die' a little at a time. I never did finish the book. Short attention span.
At least pour yourself a cuppa in the royal doulton with the periwinkles
Then the other day, Dad's CPA sent me the packet to start filling out financial information for Dad's taxes. Oh fun.
I rather be watching "Keeping Up Appearances" and getting my daily laughs from that show :)))
When mom died, at the nightly uhm Catholic thingy at the church, people would offer their condolences. WINDY, my sister {fave} was so angry that people told her that a burden was lifted. Sis angrily told me that mom was not a burden!!!... {{ weellll, of course mom wasn't a burden! My sister not once ever changed mom's pamper in the past 23 years! Very rarely suctioned her trache. Never cleaned her trache or her stomach tube. Well, yeah, mom wasn't a burden for her!!!}}
So, I get it about how you reacted to your clueless brother. Because he really is clueless. Or just plain denial.
Oops... almost midnight! My goal. 20 minutes to wash the dishes, shower and clean the toilet. Later!
You definitely need to find some stress relieving techniques, if you can't find your way to a get away or respite! It does eorry me that you were finding yourself lost, looking at the computer screen at work, a clear cut sign of stress overload! Bennett there done that myself! Please take care of yourself Sweetie!
I don't know the customs of the Jewish faith, but a full week of fasting seems extreme! I know that I'd be passing out too!
I can definitely see where his guilt would be overriding the obvious, in that he thinks he can pray away your Mom's dying process, but you know that is just not possible. I guess, whatever makes him feel better, but why oh why, doesn't he understand the terrible pressure it puts up in your, once he leaves? That he would wish for her to live, in the condition she is in, is simply not fair to either you or Mom. Reality will come soon enough for brother, I'm afraid. And yes, people often rally, when "outsiders" come to visit, and soon slide right back into their prior condition once the've gone. I'm so sorry having him here has caused you so much more stress, when you had been looking forward to some added help. Misguided expectations I'm afraid. Take care Love!
I'm going to try to keep my goals: exercise a few minutes daily and sleep early, by midnight.
The other night, dad spoke to me in our native language, which I don't understand. Well, maybe 1% understand if you count up to 10 in Spanish , door, table, plate... Nana was the only one who tried to teach me our language when I was a child. We grew up in an only English household.... So I told dad to now say it in English. And he did. After a minute, I said, "it's so sad that I don't understand our language.... I know more Japanese than our language!"
Dad laughed and then asked me, "Ikaga desu ka".