This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Your story of your S I L rings familiar. When my brother died in 2003 my sister was in such a todo about having the lunch at her place afterward.
At one point she got out her camera to start taking shots of everyone. Huh? What were we supposed to do, smile and say cheese? What would the caption under the picture say? Here we are at brother's wake. Fortunately her husband caught this before I said anything cause I could see it would have turned into a big tiff if it had come from me. Maybe it's just me but I just think taking pictures at a sad occasion is kind of insensitive. But that's just me To each his own.
When Mom was dying, she just loved strutting around, flirting with the paramedics and the doctors. I can think of something even hotter than habanero sauce I would have liked to stuff up her craw.
Contacting hospice on a Sunday evening is a nightmare. Woman put me on hold and then I got cut off. Next call, voicemail. I am angry right now. I am sure my mom is sleeping but when she wakes up it will be to bad pain. I am trying to avoid that by being proactive.
I posted earlier (eight hours ago!) to her main provider that the gabapentin was allergic.
I thoroughly checked out hospice providers. I'm ticked off right now.
You're a saint and I hope you can get ahold of someone tonight to help mom
God bless
Contacting hospice on a Sunday evening is a nightmare. Woman put me on hold and then I got cut off. Next call, voicemail. I am angry right now. I am sure my mom is sleeping but when she wakes up it will be to bad pain. I am trying to avoid that by being proactive.
I posted earlier (eight hours ago!) to her main provider that the gabapentin was allergic.
I thoroughly checked out hospice providers. I'm ticked off right now.
Yeah. It's enough, windy. You're doing great, though! You're doing the absolute best you can by your mom. No one could ask more from you. And of course you'll take the appetizer to FIL's uberwake, just don't spend your own precious time making it. If nothing special was asked for, then... I know you won't be rude about it (as much as the Tostitos is a fun dream), so then whatever, just take something that's ready-made. You have more important things going on. There's nothing you can do about someone who has already passed... not trying to say your FIL isn't important to you because he obviously is, but your mom is going to be on your mind 24/7 until she passes. I pray she can be pain free. The timing is difficult. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. They mean so much to me. It's incredible to come home and click on this site and see your kind words. ((Hugs)) to each and every one of you!
My husband and I brought lunch in to mom today - yummy beef enchiladas with a guacamole salad - something she always enjoyed. Not much going on in the eating department, sad to say. I understand with her condition.
She had an adverse reaction to the gabapentin late yesterday. Her lips swelled up, but thankfully no breathing problems or other effects. Now she is on benadryl to counteract that med which makes her VERY sleepy. The swelling did go down a bit though. *sigh*
Her pain is accelerating and you are right Veronica. Her morphine dose needs to be upped, like right now! I'm a strong believer in hospice and in pain control. I watched my dad die of brain cancer and hospice kept him comfortable to the end. It's difficult to see my mom in so much pain.
Since she has no diagnosis of record from her refusal to see docs, it's difficult to pinpoint. I definitely think wherever the cancer started, it is in the bone mets stage. I will insist hospice up her morphine. I suspect they are reluctant to do so given her low weight of 72 pounds. I know it will not be the morphine that kills her. It is the cancer that is killing her. My goodness, the mass that grows on her back is huge. I can only imagine what is going on inside her body. When we left today, she was bent over with her head resting on her lap. I tried to prop a pillow up on her chest. She refused. Oh mom. :(
SIL called a short while ago. Hubs told her of my mom's bad shape. She didn't care. Asked that I bring an appetizer for a crowd AFTER the 4 hour funeralpalooza on Tuesday as she decided to host a gathering. I'm ready to shove a bag of Tostitos up her backside complete with habanero cheese dip. Feel the burn you...whatever.
The only advice I could give is even though it is tough, try to be present in the moment. It's so easy to want to fill your head with anything but what is actually happening but my biggest regret when Mom was dying and all through her service and so on was that I was trying so hard not to feel anything that I may have missed a moment here and there that would have been meaningful for my future without her.
But, anyhow, my thoughts and prayers are with you Windy.
Windy you need to insist that Mom receives proper pain relief for her comfort and your peace of mind.
So sorry about the drama around FIL's death. It is too much to deal with. Let the SILs do their thing. If son wants to write the eulogy let him but other wise say No, it is not necessary. It can be very short like "My grandpa was a great man I learned so much from his example. I especially remember the Christmas he surprised us by doing..................."
My sister in law wrote a beautiful one for her mother in which she mentioned the family trips to the seaside which her mother hated because she was afraid of water, but she did it with a lot of humorous anecdotes.
She also wrote one for our FIL's funeral which I did not know at the time as her husband delivered it. Very touching she is a good SIL
Take care of Mom right now she needs you the most and she is still alive.
You do whatever you feel is right and works for you. Lock yourself in the bedroom and let the planning take place without your participation if that is what you want to do. There is not just one right way.
I am sure the planning for L's memorial when he passed in October was very similar with the twisted sisters and L's daughter. I was very happy to be 450 miles away. It must have take months to plan it as the service wasn't until January. It made them feel better, I wanted no part of it.
Ok - one thought: "she might die any day now." What emotional chaos that is for you. Give yourself permission to do whatever it is that you need to do to keep yourself afloat right now. She is in the hands of the ebb-flow of Life, the ebb part n all... :-/ You can do nothing more and she has expert care. Allow yourself as much mental and emotional peace, acceptance, about the process as you can find. Meditate, perhaps? Please take care. (((((hugs)))))
I'm a sh!t. I do wonder about how all of you are doing. I do understand about how real life intervenes.
Been busy with FIL funeral plans and my mom going down.
It's all consuming stuff.
Five SIL's are a coven doomed to take us all down. Just kidding. They loved their dad and are making his funeral a production to rival any Broadway premiere.
I love them, yet I can't stand them. I don't like anyone to tell me how I should grieve. Demanding our son should write something for the program when he's in the middle of a big college paper. They requested 30 people to write their memories. A little much?
Too me, life is for the living, not a huge six page funeral program.
Gah!
Death is not swanky or a social program or who showed up or fancy appetizers at a venerated location. I understand how they want to honor their father. I respect their wishes for him.
My husband and I are a different sort. He designed the funeral program at their insistence. He is very talented that way.
The funeral is Tuesday.
My mother is in a very bad way. She might die any day now. I hate this.
Morphine at 7.5 isn't touching her pain along with gabapentin 100 mg.
Thoughts?
Today is going to be difficult. We leave in a couple of hours to clean dad's AL place out. Thankfully a lot of the downsizing was done when he moved to a one room suite. Haven't seen one of my SIL's since last summer and she flew in this morning. She is the youngest of six and very crushed by her dad's death. Hubs is doing okay. It's a relief in many ways, sad to say. He has given up every Tuesday evening to visit his parents for 11 years, since his mom came down with Lewy Body dementia.
I'm feeling pretty lousy. I'm sure it's anticipatory grief for my own mother.
Thanks again friends for your kind thoughts. It means so much.
Your poor mother. But she might have been kinder to keep that thought to herself, perhaps.
Hang in there and update us when you can (no rush, of course). But if you feel the need to talk, we're here. We know that numb feeling.
Hubs and I stopped by my mom's place to tell her in person. She said she wishes it was her. :(
We are moving his stuff out of the AL tomorrow.
Feeling kind of numb.
Preemie nephew caught the coughs. Fave sis said they all got the flu. All of them. She was one of the first to get it. Got well. Then when the others got the flu, she got it again......My fave niece has been trying to get me to carry or hold the baby. I refuse. He's just so small... he looks like a newborn. I need to hold him before they leave in May...
I'm not a hugger. Today, both of her kids sat on my sides and we stayed squashed together for hours singing along on the children's songs in YouTube on my iPad. Ugh! My throat couldn't handle the singing. I kept coughing. So the kids did most of the singing. Wow, hours just sitting on the sofa squashed together tightly.... I should have asked their mother to take our pics naturally without posing.... I'm soooo going to miss them...
Ingredients: Dos libras na Guihan, Ocho pat dies granu limon, Dies hagon siboyas, Un median na tason kinamyon ma'son, Sinko pidason donne'...
By the time I got to the last ingredient, my throat was hurting and my voice was fading. In the meantime, with puzzled looks, dad kept telling me that it's Spanish.... No, no, it's in our language.... No, it's Spanish... I gave up... I think I was killing our language.
I went to the cashier the other day. Before he greeted me, I asked him a question. He was so shocked, he suddenly laughed. While laughing, he kept saying that he thought I was Japanese. He only knew I wasn't when I spoke to him perfectly in English (no Japanese accent.) He almost spoke to me in Japanese. Poor guy couldn't get over it. Every time he looked at me, he shook his head. I splurged on my craving - salt/pepper pork chops. Yum! It was hot! Made my runny nose run even more than usual. Cleared that sinus so fast.
I may be my 2 nieces' 2nd mama while they were growing up - but I never ever did free babysitting. If fave sis wanted to go out, I got paid babysitting money. If I had the girls on Saturdays, sis gave me the money to cover all of our meals and games/rides at the kiddy playground. If we went shopping at Kmart, sis reimbursed me on what I spent on her girls.... Just recently, I told fave niece that if she needs a babysitter, I'm available - but it will cost her $10.00. She rather have her parents do it - for free. See where I'm coming at? It's only $10.00 but ... she can get away with it for free through her mom (grandma) babysitting.... It's time for your adult son to be the parent and pay for his child cost - even if it means a daycare/babysitting service. Don't fall for the guilt-trip because you already have so much to do.
Oh, by the way, don't - do not - let mom move in with you. If you think the situation right now is bad, it'll triple the stress/anxiety/monetary cost when she moves in. {{{{shudder}}} For a couple of months, I was the caregiver for both bedridden parents. Mom was completely vegetative state, couldn't even remain on her side while I was changing her pamper, on 24/7 oxygen, stomach tube and trache. I had to daily clean where her stomach hole and the trache. Daily sanitize the water container for the oxygen machine. And change both their pampers in the morning before I went to work, and then bedtime. Mom was more critical. Dad just suffered a stroke but not critical just refused to go to rehab to learn to walk. Towards the end, Dad was giving me a very hard time. He wanted me to cater to him first before mom- in feeding, changing pampers, etc...
I can just see what this will be like if your mom moves in! Just continue to do your best - keep saying no to son, saying no to mom.... Take care.
Windy, I had to google broda wheelchair to see what it looks like. That is bulky. My mom would have benefited from that. Maybe. Mom, on a wheelchair, would be sliding down. We had to strap her upper chest and lap area to keep her on the chair.... If you knew that pushing that wheelchair should have been done by the professionals, I guess your mom really does know how to push your button. Well, now you know how to respond back to her the next time she makes this request. "I was told not to do it. That only they can do it...." etc....
Well......my husband, who has Alzheimer's had a delusion the other day. I was able to calm him down only because I suffer from Depression and have had a few hospitalizations for the same myself...I know first hand how to handle them.
My son wants me to babysit for their 2 year old, VERY active 2 year old. I told him I can no longer do it as I can hardly handle my husband. He is very upset with me and is giving me a huge guilt trip for not babysitting anymore. (I did for 2 years) She is currently sick with a fever and ear infection. My son cannot bring her to daycare because of her illness and EXPECTS me to babysit!!!! I finally said NO! I cannot afford to get sick nor my husband for that matter!!! He is very mad at me presently. My mom who is 92 wants to move in with me as Assisted Living is too expensive!!!! How do I cope with all this is beyond me. Sometimes I just don't know how to handle all this. I'm only 65 and my husband has had Alzheimer's for 4 years. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I think I need to talk to a shrink or something!!! Memory care is just too darn expensive to consider at this point so I'll be caring for him for a long, long time.