This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Remember it is very ok to just stay home and do nothing.
And you want to think and talk about dad, others do not. You had the closest connection to dad and did the most for him, Book. I think that is normal. Others may not be ready to talk about him. Maybe find grief support for yourself. Maybe there is a group through a nearby church that you can attend.
Today, I realized that my Sundays are free. I was trying to plan my day tomorrow and squeeze it all into my 3:00pm curfew. It suddenly hit me that ... I don't have a curfew anymore on Saturdays...I have Sundays free. I'm no longer chained to the house. I think I haven't had a free Sunday in over 15 years... I'm still trying to reconcile this. It seems so simple. But it's not... I kept thinking to myself today, "I have Sundays free..."
Anyway, I went to the bank to withdraw the money. The teller left and went to the back area. When she returned, she offered her condolences and tactfully asked if I have dad's death certificate. I said no. But I can bring it in tomorrow. She said it's no hurry...
After a pause, I said that I haven't looked at the death certificate because I know that I will start crying if I do. As I said this, tears were welling in my eyes. Fortunately, the tears waited until I was in the car. Strange to drive and feel the tears just rolling down my cheeks. As I was driving with tears falling, I recalled older Sis's words yesterday. She said that when everyone's gone, when I'm finally alone, Dad's death will hit me.
I asked where were they when dad became bedridden. No one stepped up to help me. I was by myself with 2 bedridden parents and a full time job. Where was bro from next door? NO ONE stepped up. So I asked oldest sis to help. The money was incentive.
"Oh no, oldest sis needed a place to stay. She shouldn't be paid to live in his house, etc...." OMG!!!! They have never ever been caregiving 24/7 to realize.... But then...{ sis was paid to do nothing much. I did most of the work.} .. They will never understand how necessary it is to get paid when caregiving- especially when you think you have nowhere to go.
My siblings in the states make over $22/hr. I don't even make half of that. Oh, K, now you can do your dreams to travel. Sigh..... and more sighs.....
Now, Just how many kids are there in your family anyhow, and what number are you (I'm #5 of 6, but I'm not talking about my family, just hubby's)? And Is it your Eldest brother who lives next door, and Oldest sister who lives with you at Dads, the one who wants your Mother's cross, that now belongs to you? Oh Gheez, sounds like some jealousy, and worries over who gets what, or more than this one or the other, pure silliness, then add in Mental ilness, and it's craziness! We're dealing with some of that too!
My husband's siblings who neither have seen their Dad in many years, and in the 13 years we've had him with us, hubby's brother (a Sociopathic Con Man) saw him 2 times, and the sister (about bipolar alcoholic) about 4 time total.
My husband has one brother 11 months older, and a 1/2 sister, 4 years older (not her bio Dad), hubby's brother has been telling him stories (over the phone as they both live 1200-1600 miles away) that the sister "stole" a large diamond ring off ofor my MIL's hand at the funeral home, back when my MIL died 14 years ago. I know that this is not true, plus I know it wasn't a real diamond ring anyways, but a cubic zirconia ring, because I was the one who took her rings off of her hands just after she died in hospital, alongside the Nurses, and she had told me she wanted to be buried in her QVC Diamonique ring, not her real diamond ring, as her 4 nice rings were earmarked, one for her daughter, one for me, one my daughter, and one for her eldest Grandson's wife (my DIL), whom she loved. And they are yet to be given out, but will be once my FIL passes away and are in the bank vault.
Another crazy story my BIL told my husband was that their sister told him that his Mother did not want him to come to her deathbed, because she was afraid he would physically harm her. WTH?, again I know she would never had said that, because I was extremely close to my MIL, and again I was here and involved in my inlaws lives, whereas both BIL & SIL lived hundreds of miles away and we're Not involved in their parents lives very much. It just wasn't something she would have everthought, let alone said!
All this going on at a time where my FIL is gravely ill, and on Hospice, and back in my home (day 3) again. It's so unnecessary, and intended to cause strife stress and drama to my husband, where None is wanted!
It makes it very difficult to even want to allow them in my home, even if they should wish to see him, but I cannot in good conscious deny them from visiting their Dad, but I can put limitations on the amount of time the do stay to visit, and I will, as he is in no shape for extended visitors, 1/2 hour is about as long as he can manage, and there is no way I am allowing any BS in my home while he is so very sick and tired.
Oh gheez, this is the Last thing I ever thought I would be dealing with right now! And he's still alive! They can take their Crapolla somewhere else! Not in my house!
In all actuality, neither will even show up, so I am not going to worry about it!
Today, Hubby's sister said that the brother asked to borrow 500 dollars gas money from her to drive from Arizona state to Seattle, where we are. So just our luck, he would arrive broke, with no money to get a motel, food money or gas money to get back home! No thank you! I'm not bailing out a 62 year old deadbeat son!
Besides these family hiccups, I hope things are settling down for you!
Besides this stupid drama here, which I will soon pull the plug on myself if they don't stop it, my FIL is doing as well as can be expected. He has very little appetite, and is sleeping a lot. But he is cheerful and being sweet to me and very appreciative of all We are doing for him. It's all very sad, and I pray he does not suffer.
Now You Take Care!
In the meantime, I've decided to bring my accordion folder with all of mom's and dad's documents from the living room to my bedroom. Dad's Will is in it. I will be locking my bedroom. I have both keys to my room....
Sis was looking for mom's Spanish cross. She stood so close to SIL while she mistakenly went through My drawers in the living room. I told SIL that she's going through my drawers not dad's. Oldest sis reached in and grabbed something inside. Fave sis eyes widened and looked at me. I don't know what she took because she was between me and my drawer. I shook my head to fave and said leave it alone.... Years ago, before oldest sis moved in, dad gave me mom's cross necklace. It's old. I was going to refuse the cross because I'm not Catholic but dad wanted me to have it. Oldest sis wants it. Too bad. I used to keep it in the living room drawer for years. I moved it when I felt 'compelled' to move it elsewhere. Now I know why the compulsion....
Pack and look forward to your new life.
This palm tree on the beach is for you.
You may think it is an island photo, however,
it is a beach photo of Southbeach, FLORIDA.
On the mainland.
When all those who have made offers to visit or live with them (your neice?) on the mainland, you go.
Now, pack a bag, and be brave, don't delay, don't hesitate.
Anyway, my off-island siblings have been talking about me and oldest sis... without us being there while discussing us. Based on the past few weeks observations, and being not emotionally tied here, most of them arrived with a conclusion. I'm very naive and trusting. And they will be leaving here soon. They felt obligated to warn me about oldest sis.
For the old timers, remember how I used to come here and Swear that sis was being passive-aggressive? My 2 sisters warned me that they think oldest sis is worse than oldest-bro-of-next-door. They warned me to watch my back. To hide anything of value when I'm not home.
Older sis said that oldest sis is sneaky. She's pretending to be mentally unstable. I knew she wasn't that mentally unstable. But All of my siblings insisted she was. She is sooooo very passive/aggressive with me. When people are around, she starts cleaning. Oh how sis cleans all the time, she's a hard worker, etc... that was when they first arrived. Sis doesn't clean like that. You've all read when I came here complaining about her. Ha!
Oldest sis refused to be any part of decision making when it came to dad or the house. She didn't pay any of the utility's. She has to wait for me to come home after 6:30om, to say the washing machine or the air con is broken. Did she tell brother of next door? No.... so now, she quickly signed the funeral papers, was going to receive dad's flag when SIL said I should receive it because I spent 25 years taking care of both parents, while oldest sis came 4 years ago. Even then, she didn't do pampers... my off-island sisters told me to watch my back and hide my valuables... 3:30 am... and I'm still not sleepy...
I would like to offer my condolences to you for the passing of your father.
I'm so sorry to hear about this. You have given so much of yourself to both your parent's caregiving, and
you did it in a very loving and unselfish way. We are here to support you as you enter a new phase in your life.
I know you will miss your dad, and there will be some adjustments for you. But never question whether you did the right thing, a good job or any of that, because you did, my friend!!
May your father's spirit soar very high!
I will keep you and your father in my mediations.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
So sorry to hear about FIL
It may take some time for your body to adjust to not carrying that heavy sack, as Veronica says, so be gentle with yourself
My FIL just came back to our house on Hospice. It seems that we are right where you were with your Dad, and couple of weeks ago. It's so hard, and I'm exhausted and it's only been 6 hours! We will get through this. I so related to you regarding the Catholic services. Ours do not go on days and days like yours did, but they are pretty draining.
Regarding the big "reading of the will", my BIL'S wife (at the time, now divorced from her and he has a new wife, his 9th I think), well she was heard inquiring about my MIL'S will on the day of the funeral and the wake was in our backyard. It was like she thought hubby's parents were the Caringtons (a rich fictional TV family) or something! It was so rude! There was no way we were going to deal with that, especially after all the work we did putting on a nice Memorial for their Mom!
People can be so intensive in these situations! Of course everything my MIL had/owned, was going to her husband, my FIL, so I have no idea what she was thinking, and she had never even met my MIL! Only her rings, which went to her daughter. I think that was what she was after, AS IF!!!
I hope you are feeling better about things, and get to enjoy your visiting family! I'm off to have bite to eat, then I'm back on caregivng duty! I pray we get some sleep tonight. There is quite a learning curve to Hospice care.
Love and hugs Sweetie! You take care! ❤
The next morning, baby bro kept bugging me about it. He's so worried that when everyone leaves, that's when oldest bro, the executer/administrator will do something sneaky. I snapped and told baby bro off. Everyone's so concerned about the Will, so Say Something to bro, not me. I did my part. U all need to pressure them, not me.
I must have hurt his feelings. He turned and walked away. I gave him a few minutes to handle his feelings. In the livingroom, I told baby bro that I have always appreciated what he did for me. When he bought me a ticket to Colorado, when he used his mileage reward for my ticket to visit him. That all these past 20-some years, he made it possible for me to leave the island. My voice shook with emotion. That I appreciated older sis because when she came here for a month visits, she took over the caregiving and I was able to sleep in my bedroom. So, when dad was dying, I didn't mind buying their tickets. No one else helped me get breaks from the work/home daily, decades of caregiving like they did for me. His eyes were getting watery.
I then told him about the time I became seriously suicidal. How I woke up one morning and realized I was in a prison. I looked away from brother. It's still a very painful memory. My eyes watered thinking about it. I told him I had everything planned- down to the day, the hotel to do it (so that they can find my body and u all won't worry about where I disappeared). I sought therapy via the hotline and was provided some free sessions. How the 1st therapist wanted me to reach out to my 7 siblings and ask for help because I might end up in the hospital (nervous breakdown, attempted suicide) or die. I texted and emailed everyone. On my next therapy, he asked me the results. I looked up at bro and told him that no one , not even fave sis, responded. Bro eyes were filled with tears as he silently stood there and listened......
I'm tired. I don't want to go through that memory lane. It just brings up the negative emotions. It's over.
This afternoon at work, I just started crying silently for no reason.
Hope you get some time to decompress. It's not over just cuz it's over. New feelings will keep rolling in. Take it one hour at a time.
You are a loving, caring daughter. Wishing you peace. And good sleep!
At the Veterans Cemetary under the tent, oldest sister and I were standing in front of our chairs facing the coffin. Uncle comes behind me and uses his big beer belly to bump me forward. I looked behind me and it's uncle. There's an empty chair on my right. Then he belly bumps me again and I stumble forward again. I finally got mad, turned slightly and purposely bumped him backwards. Uncle lost his balance and almost fell down. I was so angry. He immediately sat on MY seat- without a word to me. I was forced to sit on the empty seat. Then 'nina' sat on my right..... anyway, for someone who insisted on standing beside me during the military taps, this 'nina' once again did Not leave any bereavement money in the box at all. All I'm saying is - she keeps on and on about being my nina but actions speak louder than words... I Know they gave bereavement money directly to my brother. BUT they could have given a TOKEN amount into the box.