This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Cwillie, maybe when it's time to sleep, I will change the fan's position to blow inside. Thanks.
Well, the thunder storm seems to taper off a bit. I need to shower but refuse while there's lightning. Lightning travels through water. I hate to be electrocuted while showering! I'd better go now before it starts up again. Later!
As for the laundry, are you hanging it in the sun?
I'm dying without an air conditioner. My bedroom has a window air con unit. Nope, money is tight... I will not use it.. unless it's laundry day and most of the laundry is my work clothes. Air drying in this hot humid island weather causes the freshly laundered clothes to stink like 'a wash that was left for hours in the washer.' To combat this, I'm now using Downey in the washer, and turn on the air con in my bedroom to dry my Work Clothes only. It's on for the whole day and the whole night - only.
Did I mention that I'm dying from the heat? ... Tonight, I couldn't take it anymore. My body heat was increasing, headache, sweaty and those 2 fans in the livingroom weren't working..in my opinion. I looked at my face in the mirror. It was flushed red. Yep, time to call for the big guns. Google.
I found some ways to cool off. Fan facing the window Outside to draw the hot air out. {I quickly went into my bedroom, opened the newly bought box fan, set it up on my dresser that just happens to be right at the window. and turned that sucker on!} Hopefully, tonight, my bedroom is cooler than the livingroom.... Next helpful hint from Google - put a bowl of ice in front of the rotating fan. I only have 1 ice tray. I put half of the ice on a low bowl. Yes!! If I concentrated hard enough, I swear I can feel the air is not as hot/humid. {maybe not wishful thinking...}
Well, I can't really say if all this worked from hours ago. Because we're now experiencing thunder/lightning/rain and very nice cool breeze flowing through the house. But, hey! I have psychologically convinced myself that it does work. And that's what really counts. =)
Before my mom passed away, I spent decades keeping up with my various siblings. I did most of the contacting, they responded back. Rarely do they reach out and contact me. I was gungho - for the family - no matter what. When mom passed away, and gifted money was involved, my sibs showed their true self. I was hurt, disappointed .. but most especially disillusioned... I no longer 'reach out and touch someone'. I've learned to face reality of where I stand among my sibs. "Family" is different from their viewpoint compared to mine...
If this is Not what you meant, sorry I misunderstood your meaning. Reading things is so different than seeing/speaking to the person in front of you. A lot of guessing...
A day ago your Mom was insistent upon talking to you about MJ helping you. This has understandably upset you. That she invades your space, your privacy, and follows you when you try to get away.
The next day, she did not even bring it up or apologize, just acted like nothing happened?
When do you sleep? Does she interrupt your sleep requirements?
If she can independently travel and visit a friend, I'm not sure how much care-giving she is in need of.
Perhaps you would be happier living on your own. Can that be managed?
Just to clarify, my mother is not my caregiver. Because, There are things she can't be(or shouldn't be) doing anymore. That only I can do.
The severity of my health:
1. While all three conditions are incurable, they can happen suddenly to anyone for the most inexplicable reason(s).
2. Regardless of the severity of my health. Anyone should keep in contact with, and go the extra mile for people they care about.
I have done that for someone in Tuscon(AZ) when the 'medical authorities' have messed them up.
I worry about someone in California, when I couldn't get a hold of them. They very rarely use any other form of communication, other than their cell phone.
The point being, that I go the extra mile when I care about someone other than family.
Thanks for explaining that.
You have good insight into what kind of help you do not need from social workers. And I am glad that you have your own therapist, hopefully on your side.
You may just need a little (very little) help and support from your friends who care.
Let me know if I can help, as a forum peer, but I am not a professional. There are so many others on the forum much more fun to talk to than me.
Are you feeling better tonight?
My family doesn't have to tolerate it. Because they deny it.
I think I understand, and know what it is like when family around you feels they can use your skills, exploit you for their own needs to be met, put you down not understanding your disability, and at the same time when you need something, or care, they abandon you.
Hoping that you can get a professional advocate, a social worker; and move to "supportive housing" to decrease your stress. Allow someone else to step up and really see the care needs of your mom. I don't think anyone in your family can tolerate being treated that way. You should not have to.
As for exploring other options for her. I have told my maternal aunt, my father, and my step-mother about her decline. My father n' step-mother have remained stand-offish about it. My aunt finally apologized about playing down the severity. But it has felt just like when my (ex)wife n' I were having a lot of problems. Everyone(my parents' included) blamed me for all the problems. Including my (ex)wife's parents'. Using the affects of my brain surgery that had as a kid, as an excuse. Never once did anyone hold her accountable. Years later, her parents' contacted mine for help in getting my (ex)wife on disability. We did have an 'living apart' kind of discussion the other day. Just that my mother was mentioning about being gone for several months. I did say I liked it when she is gone. But, I didn't like the lack of contact. As in, no communication for that period of time. She just got back from a three week trip to Oregon to visit a good friend of hers on the coast. I did have contact twice with my father. But as usual, he tells me I am wrong, almost as much as my mother.
I was basically physically pinned. I was laying on the couch watching a James Bond marathon on cable, when she came in the den, wanted to sit down, and just started talking as if I suddenly had to stop everything I was doing and listen to her. I couldn't exit quickly, unless I had climbed over the back of the couch. I wanted to go anywhere but be in the den at that moment. She always accuses me of being 'violent'. Regardless of how I respond. I can't even walk away w/o her following me and trying to criticize me some more.
My bedroom door to the den has a lock on it that doesn't work. The door to my bathroom has no lock. As for the MJ garbage, I found this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-otte/no-cannabis-is-not-a-cure_b_9292238.html; done by the Huffington Post in Feb.'2016. That was very telling about the MJ debate. I 'basically' tell her 'NO'. But it doesn't make a difference, she persists'. I get on my computer, put my computer headphones on, and turn on the music so I can't hear her. I do a lot of 'distracting'.
Now knowing that she doesn't remember the timetable of my meds over the last 30+yrs., let alone the names of the medications, when switched from one to the other. Says I really can't trust her with my meds. I vehemently and absolutely refuse to go anywhere near MJ. I won't even try it to satisfy her. A friend of mine tried it, and it made them sick. When I made a med switch in 1983(16), from a two-seizure med combo, to a single med. That switch was needed. Because the combo was no longer affective after 16. The next switch was in 2003, and I initiated the switch. I was living almost 1,000mi. away, to get away from her and get my then-fiance the medical care she couldn't get here. The first single med was losing its' affectiveness, so I had to get the change to a better med.
The way to go with folks who want to make suggestions like that is not to fight back. Say, I'll have to look into that, mom.
Then, either check with your doctor about medical marijuana, or fib and told her that your did and that your doctor said that it isn't a good fit for your kind of seizure disorder.
Tomorrow is a day
like no other day
has ever been
or will be again.
Sleep well.
Everything okay?
Deep breaths, 3x.
Take a trip outside, ten -30 minutes. Calm yourself.
Those are just words, coming from a difficult person, who may no longer have capacity to manage your medications.
Go outside, now, inspect the yard, chill. You are not wrong. You are right, and no one can force you to take a med or marijuana if you refuse.
No violence needed.
Stay safe.
Call 911 if you cannot calm yourself.
Come back in and talk about it.
See you in 30 minutes?
Then she lit a firestorm. She started discussing marijuana and how it works in her words, "a lot of people". When I reminded her that it is not a cure-all for cancer, or epilepsy. She kept brow-beating me. Saying it works for a lot of people. Then I reminded her of a friend of mine with epilepsy, who tried it, and it just made her sick. My mother kept going on about it helping people, ignoring what I said. She didn't stop until, I said I would smash the front door, and flatten anyone who tried to force it on me.
She even got my medication wrong along with the dates that it changed.