This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I have come to the realization that I have shut down emotionally so as not to give into my grief. One thing that was stated at my most recent meeting is that when you try to shut out the pain, you end up shutting out the joy and every other emotion/feeling as well. I guess acknowledging this is half the battle. Now that I realize this maybe I can start moving forward.
I am so happy for you that you are starting to welcome yourself back into yourself if that makes any sense. Bravo for you. I hope I can get there myself one day.
Golden, thank you so much for everything. I do read the Dys thread but I feel so much comfortable posting here. I've been trying and trying to wean myself off this thread! I try to jump around, read other's posts, get so depress because I remembered what it was like to be drowning and no-one (family) cares to help. So, I stop jumping around. And fall right back to here. {{{HUGS}}}
All we can offer is for you to come and vent. Let us know how your day is. How frustrating your day is. And whatever advise we give, either accept or reject - with no hard feelings. =) You take care.
I want to tell you that there is hope for you feeling whole as a person.
What I've experienced lately is something I did not expect after my mom passed. She died a little over 5 months ago and today was the first day I FINALLY relaxed, both mentally and physically. I guess my whole self finally registered that she is gone. I knew it intellectually, but somehow the 'muscle memory' was still there. The old adrenelin was still there pumping away giving me anxiety. You were on the job three times longer that I was, but for me, my seven years of always doing, stressing and caring for an elder left me in a state where I forgot what it was like to live for myself. It was scary to even think about.
Two days ago, I decided to attempt to clean out my old e-mails and came upon a long string with my brother in Germany. Years of email about the past few years. Yikes! I went down the rabbit hole, read it all and am amazed I survived the journey. I wasn't always a nice person. Neither was mom. We also had some amazing times that made for great memories. The love was always there, though not often evident at times when her health and mental state were not optimal. Gosh, it was hard! But we made it through and loved each other to the end.
I laid in bed at 5 this morning and thought about how long it's been since I've felt in charge of my own life. I've been sooo lacking in energy, just tired, just bored with my life.
Something clicked in my head. I realized my life is now my own. Really and truly my own, my goodness! Grief and PSTD can really mess with your head and body. I feel optimistic for the first time in years and my old energy is back as much as it can be. :)
I pray for the same for you book in as much time as it takes. I didn't expect this, nor push for it, it's like a miracle for me. I know there will be some bad days ahead but we can push through them. My thoughts and prayers for all who are struggling caregivers as I type.
book - I am glad you are feeling better. Sounds like the happiness videos relax you so you fall asleep - which you really need to do.
I was listening to the 11minute Happiness video when I was yawning so badly, eyes closing, I stopped halfway. I will continue it tomorrow. I don't understand. I find it so educational, interesting - and yet my body keeps shutting down every time I try to watch any of the video...
Today's video was about: Self-Compassion... We are our worst enemies. When other people fail, we encourage them, commiserate, etc... Yet, when we fail, we are mean to ourselves, call ourselves names, put ourselves down, etc... This is where Mindfulness comes in. {which I'm really terrible at - from both therapies I had, I struggled with this.}
Maybe I should have taken Benadryl... In the meantime, I'm keeping an eye on my right hand which I thought the swelling should have gone down by now. That's the hand in which the vein didn't work and no blood came out. But once he inserted the IV on my wrist, he found the original site on the back of my hand was bleeding right through the gauze and onto the bedding. That area is still painful. The IV site on the right wrist is normal. Just the hand is puffy....
If Exedrin usually works for you, have some caffeine.
Before I was wheeled into the OR, I overheard the IV nurse telling the just awakened man in the curtained room on my left - that he should eat food similar to breakfast... When I was in the wheelchair and talking to the IV nurse, I said that I overheard what he said to the man. What exactly does he mean by 'breakfast' food. MY idea of breakfast food is a plate filled with fried rice, 6-7 bacon, Portuguese sausage and 2 eggs. HIS idea of breakfast is rice or pancakes.
Has anyone awoken from this procedure with a constant headache? It's Sunday morning and my head is still pounding. I noticed that every time I sleep, I wake up with a terrible pounding headache a rating of 7. Once I get up, it goes down to a 5. It's a kind of steady pounding headache that I get when I eat food with MSG (monosodium glutamate) and Tylenol with Codeine or the after-surgery painkillers.... I'm going to fry yesterday's rice and make 2 over-medium eggs for breakfast. And then take 2 Tylenol. Since I don't know if polyps were taken out, I won't take my usual Excedrin headache pill since it has aspirin.
What I was saying before is that it's not unusual for GI docs to do their procedures one after the other, with no time in between to talk to patients. But that is what the support staff is there to do. Staff should have spoken with you AND sil to make sure you understood post op instructions. I though you had posted about being told to eat breakfast type foods , so I thought you'd gotten instructions!
I wonder which nurse had dated the other nurse's brother long time ago? She was quite insistent that she did. Her brother doesn't remember her? (Oh, my... ) There were more gossips but that was the one I remembered.
It's now 12:15am. I'm taking my purse and I'm going to sleep. I saw my pre-op papers sticking on the outside pocket of my purse. I took it out so that I will log it in my files tomorrow. My laptop is in the livingroom. I noticed there was another paper. It Is My Post-Op instructions! Well, SIL did Not tell me about it. (I left my purse with her before the procedure.) I don't recall her telling me about the paper. After I woke up from my nap, I went googling on what to do after an endo/colonoscopy... Anyway the paper's instructions say I'm suppose to eat soft food. Too late! I asked fave sis to bring over KFC chicken for dinner. It was soooo delicious going down. Paper even has my follow-up appointment.
My pet peeve? Yes, I understand that being under anesthesia, that I might not remember anything. That does NOT give them the right to ignore me and tell everything to my ride - who by the way - is just my ride. She didn't even tell me about anything that was on that paper - food, etc... Out of respect for their patient, the nurse should have consulted BOTH of us at the same time. Especially since my co-pay is going to be about $1,000.00. Okay, my vent is over.
In general, I think most docs prefer not to give detailed information right after a patient has awakened from sedation. Do you have a followup appointment, Book? I don't think you need to be disappointed in your doctor.
SIL and my brother saw a different surgeon, different clinic. After their procedures, he took the time to talk to them - even if he didn't find anything with SIL. Now I know....
By the way my veins always go into dissappearing mode every time anyone mentions IV!
I woke up after the procedure. Nurse asked how I'm doing. I said fine. I need the restroom and I'm very woozy.... every time she came in, I answered the same thing. But each time she came in, I didn't have any strength to move my body. Finally, I told her that I really need to go to the bathroom. After my 2nd surgery, if I need to do BM, I need to go immediately. To hold it in causes severe stomach pains. The colonoscopy after effects is a painful stomach of 3. But the pain level has dramatically increased because I need to go. It has gone up to level 6. I'm squirming in pain and still hooked up to everything. So we did everything slowly. I sat up. Woozy. I looked up - woozy. I looked down - woozy. I refused to rush the process despite the urgency. I told the nurse that I would hate to fall onto the bathroom floor. (Gross!!!!)
Back home. I'm sooooo hungry. Light food like breakfast food. We don't have breakfast food like pancakes. I took a few sips from my black tea. I'm going to sleep if I could just stop BMing...
I'm holding off calling the colonoscopy clinic. Once the eye swells, I will know for sure that I can no longer take the liquid prep. Rashes is one thing. Swelling is different.
I also called dad's secondary insurance. I will drop by their office next week and have them make a photocopy of dad's death cert. I feel so much better getting these out of the way.