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😄 HAHA, BlackHole, so true! It's a weird, weird year for weather in U.S. Maybe other places, too? It's up over 100 in LA this week, which is just bizarre for late October. Swings between rain and summer-like weather where I am, too. I noticed exactly what you're talking about today: the tree was losing its leaves, but they didn't turn yellow, turned from green to brown. Weird.
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How am I doing today? This is minor and trivial, but I am gobsmacked at the sorry excuse of an autumn where I live. For all of September and October, the pendulum swings between inappropriately hot temperatures and aggressive rain.

I hail from an area that was known for decent fall color (decent for not being New England!), but that has gone down the dumper the past 5 years or so. With this year being the worst. Trees are mostly green and going straight to “brown and down.” I see the occasional yellow and rarer red here and there, but it’s mostly dismal.

I don’t even like autumn that much! Gateway to winter + early dark = BLECH. But still. Losing that touchstone visual cue is really messing me up.
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Timbuktu, I went to therapy. I always shut down during sessions. It was like pulling teeth to get me to open up. Once she did, it was like trying to drag the horse to the trough. Once she got me there, I refused to ‘drink’ ... or should I say, I refused to change my behavior. It seems my 2nd therapist was a behavioral therapist. She tried to push for behavioral modification, just the thought of reverse role acting, I panicked. I remember the look of amazement on her face when she said that just the suggestion of doing it made me panic... needless to say, that was the last day of therapy.... I realized that therapy is not for me. If I’m not willing to change my behavior, then I shouldn’t waste our time on it.
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timbuktu, thanks! Glad to know someone cares. Tired and exhausted of the drama. Dad is ambulatory until he sees someone to offer to do his bidding, then he just sits there. Mostly my daughter does what he wants but she is finally seeing through his facade. My daughter and SIL finally are buying a house, Yea! It is as I figured a dump but she made her bed.... After a 2 week stay turned into a year and a half the light is at the end of the tunnel. The truck he bought from me a year and a half ago (he paid for only half of it) died this weekend. Now it sits in my driveway. More drama. Of course driving my spare car now.... until they close so he can get another piece of crap (his usual MO).
I am angry a lot and trying to figure out why besides the aboivious. I tried the gym (hate working out). Trying to eat better (love to cook). Not sure why I am so flippant towards my dad. Every day I try to be the good son but something he says or does gets under my skin. I try to ignore it but...
Dad raves to the family and friends how great he is and how everything he does is so over the top. We try meals and the conversation always goes back to him. He reminds me of the guy who says "enough about me, what do you thing about me?" I am grumpy, snarky and sullen a lot. Wife and I are planning a quick get away before the daughter moves so we can have someone make sure the house doesn't burn down. Want to figure a way to get dad to my sisters for the holidays....
Thought about therapy but had difficult experiences as a child. Not sure I am ready for that.
Right now trying to read that will lighten my mood and focus on my business. Focusing on my wife to care for her (medical issues popped up this year I believe mostly stress) Maybe once the kids move out it will be a little better...... I adore my daughter but I want her to have her own place for her, she needs and deserves it (although I wish better circumstances).
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Disclaimer,
Chris,
No one actually acts on the many things mentioned, such as putting your mother's belongings on the deck to sort if there is rain forecast.

That is what is unique....letting off steam, is helpful, and has no adverse consequences.

I am pretty sure you understood that. But thought I would bring it up because my husband takes things very literally. Joking doesn't always cheer him up.
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Good morning all you caregivers out there. Hope you have found some time for yourself this morning and a cup of coffee.Just my 2 cents today. If anybody is able to please get a therapist or any mental health care you can get to.It's not just the physical toll caregiving takes on our bodies as many of us are seniors ourselves but the nonstop stress and hypervigilance ,always being on alert, being on the shift that NEVER ends,frustration with siblings that give NO help--you have to have a place where u can go for yourself.I would not have mentally survived if I had not gone to a therapist,I really thought I was losing my mind.My insurance would only pay a small portion for a few visits so I literally began collecting loose change,any extra dollars I could to at least see a therapist once a month-and I did my homework prior to the visit. I would write down the thoughts I was having, feelings, I just wanted to make the most out of my visit and help the therapist help me. I can't stress enough how important mental health care is for the caregiver.Caregiver burnout is real,it seems like you are turning in to another person that you don't like very much,feels like you are losing your mind,find yourself yelling and then immediately feeling horrible guilt,living on a sleep deficit.You no sooner seem to put out one fire and then another fire starts.You are ONE person doing the jobs of several other people, driver, cook, maid,nurse, etc. The craziness has to stop. So I would like to hear from everybody what they are doing for their mental health care and what they would like to do for their mental health care. Be a caregiver to yourself.
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Thanks, Sharyn,p... My flu is odd. When I first got it: Friday/Saturday was body aches, high fever and tiredness... Sunday was only the constant sneezing, blowing nose and coughing... By Monday to now, my flu is mainly coughing. No sneezing, no stuffy nose at nights, no fever, etc... just Coughing and coughing where my lower back and especially my upper chest is excruciatingly painful on every single cough. And sneeze.

So, I went to work today. The boss came in around 11:00am. He had a marathon of sneezing and then blows his nose. My immediate reaction, “Oh my God, he’s going to give me the flu!” .... The wife comes in at 11:30. She’s sneezing and blowing her nose. ... I fatalistically realized that I have a high percentage of getting the Other flu which involves sneezing, blowing nose...
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Book, I hope you feel better soon. Many viruses seem to be going around. Idaho has already had one person die from the flu. Seems too early for flu season. Take care of yourself my friend!
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Jenaynay, here's crossing my fingers for what you wish for. And the VA benefits!

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Today is my first day back to work. By 2:30pm, I had a pounding headache. My body wanted so badly to cough by afternoon. I was sucking those Halls all afternoon. Went to the bathroom to allow the hacking coughs out. Oh my gosh, my back and upper chest were hurting, esp. the chest. I took Excedrin but it just put a tiny dent on the headache. On the way home, I was NOT in the mood for a microwavable cheeseburger. I stopped by Wendys and picked up a small chili and a side salad. sigh.... it was delicious going down. I still have left over chili. I will have it for tomorrow's dinner. .. I am soooo tired. I think I will sleep early tonight. I still have my headache. Maybe I should take another Excedrin before it starts gaining on the pain dept...
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Chris, I don't think my mom ever went through what your mom is going through - about her stuff. My mom, for years, was accusing us of stealing from her. And she got so angry, and physically violent when we didn't return it. The thing was, she was the one hiding stuff from us so that we cannot steal it. She never remembered where she put it. And the poor person who actually found it - she would accuse that person of hiding it! So, I'm not able to give you tips on how to handle your mom's current stage regarding items. Grit your teeth and try not to blow up??? {rolling my eyes}
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Timbuktu, was it really over a year since you've posted on AC? Wow, time sure flies. I'm so sorry about your breast cancer diagnosis and the measures you needed to do to prevent it from spreading. Now that you've done the major procedure to eradicate the cancer, have you also researched on how to adjust your diet to help your body fight against any future cancer? About the short hair, I find that I like it better, too - faster to wash, less shampoo/conditioner used. I just brush it and put on a headband, and I'm ready to go to work. Wash and wear haircut.
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Well, sir Chris,
You just earned yourself an "E" ticket ( disneyland ride reference) to posting on the "Caregivers Behaving Badly" thread! Where we are all experts at expressing our anger and frustrations in a bratty way. Putting her stuff out on the deck to sort is perfect!
It would be so much more bad if there is rain in the forecast, get it? Lol.

Sorry you are being frustrated.
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Sendhelp-Yes, But I have told my father n' stepmother before, and they just blew me off. When I went on the bike ride in West Virginia, back in September. My father, step-mother, maternal aunt n' uncle were there. They saw me fall n' nearly hit my head at a restaurant. Reacting so far, as to say, maybe I should be in a home for people w/ disabilities. No mention about my mother's health. My mother n' aunt are not on speaking terms is one thing. But I guess, I shouldn't use my medical knowledge when they could really use it.

So sorry her symptoms are affecting you. Seems she picks you to pick on.
And yes, she is focusing on you! What do you think she needs?

1. She has major trouble with her memory.
2. She keeps losing her hearing aids.
3. She keeps doing things without thinking.
4. She still wants' a guy in town to go through her computers to store the data. She doesn't want me to do it.

I think I will put her stuff out on the deck. So she can sort through it out there.
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Bookluvr,
Is your cold better yet?

Pammzi,
Have a great vacation!
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Hang in there Jenaynay!
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Just need to vent today. Getting ready to move dad and myself closer to my job, as the 60 mile commute is too much for me now. My night vision is crap.
I have financed myself into oblivion trying to keep this party going. This might be my year for chapter 7, yay! Lol. I truly do nothing but work, take care of bills,the apt, dad..and then try to sleep.
I hope this is my last year of " custody" of dad. My sister is working on dad's VA benefits, so there is hope for me yet.
I'm so glad I found this site.
Got some great advice and links for help, just wish help didn't take so long,lol.
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Chris,
Isn't this when your father said to let him know when your mother gets worse?
So sorry her symptoms are affecting you. Seems she picks you to pick on.
And yes, she is focusing on you! What do you think she needs?

Because I know you NEED a bike ride!
Take some deep breaths. Give her a box of her own stuff to sort and throw out, this will distract her.
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Timbuktu,
Welcome back, nice to see you posting again!
That must be an extra hard dose of tough circumstances, seeing Mom suffer through what you hope to conquer and survive long term, for yourself, and I just don't know what to say, except wanting to encourage you in your continuing successful journey.

You are not alone, this thread has some really good people posting!

.
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1. The fruit drain bowl must no longer mine.  My mother gave it to me, now wants to get rid of it.
2. Cat dish bowl no longer cat dish bowl because she thinks it was for human consumption....she is the one that bought it for the cat.
3. Bungee cord-type shoe laces she gave me. She wants back because I haven't used them yet.

Her failing memory knows no bounds.
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Thank you both! We will be in WV, and it is lovely this time of the year! We may go to the Casino nearby for a few hours,, but otherwise plan to relax and cook great food! And take a last boat ride or two! And reconnect.
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Enjoy your freedom Pam and the tiime alone with hubby. New hair style sounds fun. You both deserve break. Hope you are somewhere where the weather stays nice. Central NY has been having a really beautiful Fall this year.
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I remember your name but not your situation. Please , I love to hear the good things that are happening for people. So glad you are getting a break. Have a great time and say hello to your husband for me. Don't know the situation with his dad but it ain't a break if he comes,my 2 cents. My hair is very short and actually I found I like it this way and may keep it this short,it also came back a different color but no grey, go figure! So go to the river , have an excellent time and come back and tell us all about it. Safe journey!
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Oh Timbuktu I am so sorry you have gone through all this.. I hope things steady out for you all.
I hate to say this after that... but I am doing great today! Took Mom to Aunts for a 10 day break,, lots of things planned up there. Hubs and I are going to the river house next week for 4 days of relaxation.. ( and NO his father is not coming this time!.. I hope) We are going to get it ready to close for the season,, but mainly relax and regroup. I also got my hair done today,, short and sassy for the first time in years! I love it!
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Just want to say hello to everyone. Have spent most of the day reading everybody's entries from this discussion and other places on the site. I haven't posted in probably well over a year. Shout out to Book, Golden, Veronica,Stacy B, and their are so many more that I just can't remember at this moment.You will probably be seeing my entries more in the foreseeable future. So many things have changed in my situation. A brief catchup. Mother is now in AL since Nov.2016 and did finally " adjust". The last 11 months I got a diagnosis of breast cancer, had a bilateral mastectomy,opted not to reconstruct and "stay flat",many rounds of Cytoxan and Taxotere,experienced baldness,just now getting "some" hair. This last week found out from MRI that mother's breast cancer from 2 years ago is now stage 4, painful lesions in spine and liver is involved. She is presently in the palliative care unit,pain is controlled, nurses/mds have been great. Getting radiation to spine for pain control. Will be discharged next week back to AL and placed on hospice.So, that has been my life for about the last year,maybe a little more. Really want to hear from everyone, you guys helped me thru some dark days. Your strength just radiated from your words and I could tell myself I was not alone.I hope this is the thread to post this to catch up with everybody and to be introduced to new folks, love you all!
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Jim, no, do not bring your mom into your home. You will have 2 queen bees. And queen bee mom will expect to be alpha queen because she’s your mother. Tension, really bad power play, will start up. If you love your wife and your home, don’t bring your mom in it. It’s your home, your sanctuary. Let’s keep it that way... I like Country Mouse advice.
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Jim it won't be easy but you know what you have to do. Right now Mom is pushing your guilt buttons so put a stop to it.
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Jim, how is it selfish to see the need for you to resume your life as a husband and in business?

If your mother won't make a decision, you should do it for her. Weigh up the pros and cons - and if you don't find that the right facility, carefully chosen, wins hands-down I'll be very surprised - and present her with just the one option, costed, planned and ready for signature.

Apart from anything else, if she is scared to be left alone then in practical terms alone she needs to be in a well-staffed community. That in itself makes the idea of her living in your home unfeasible: you and your wife would become prisoners in your own home.

Set a deadline. Do the research. Crack on. You don't have to be brutal about it, just practical.
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No Jim you can not keep going like this,, or you will be living alone with mom for the rest of your life. You have given her 3 good choices,, if she can't decide you need to. You are making things easy for her.. why should she change? Good luck with this!
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Take care of yourself book. I haven't posted since my dad died in September. I am still living with my mother . She will not make a decision on her living arrangement. I have given her three options. She can come live in my home, she can go to assisted living,or have live in help here. I have been here since Labor Day and would like to go home. I have barely seen my family in eight weeks. My mom is making it difficult. She is very comfortable having me here as I do everything from cleaning to cooking. This is what she did with my dad. He was like a prisoner in his own home. She doesn't want to come to my house because we have a dog. She doesn't want livein help because she doesn't know them. She says if she goes to assisted living that will be it. She says she will just sit in her room. Am I being selfish for wanting to go back to my own home after eight weeks ? My wife is having to do the things I would normally do. I have neglected things at my business because my mother gets scared if I am gone more than a couple of hours. I can't keep going like this. Any ideas out there ?
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MsMadge, That works!
It is because both you and Book are like the energizer bunnies.
Three flights of stairs, and many sick people would faint.
Caregiver Olympics, it sounds like.
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