Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

26K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
28 29 30 31 32
TG Dad briefly saw the writing on the wall when SIL got evicted and thinks he may be next .hus he is thinking up any ailment he can so you can't throw a poor sick old man onto the street.
(1)
Report
SIL is out, have to deal with him getting his things. luckily it is all civil. He and I actually get along very well in this regard to it is not bad at this point although it is still all new. Lots of paperwork to deal with.
So dad gave the SIL a hunting knife to sharpen, it got put with his tings and he took to his parents house. Dad keeps asking for it. I actually bought it for him many years ago (with moms help). As I told him it will take time to get it back and I have asked for it and the SIL agreed to send it back, no worries. That is all dad can be concerned about, not the fact that his grand daughter lost her marriage.... nope, nothing about anyone else, just his things....
Dad is yacking to anyone who can hear about how bad his back pain it. I have never heard him complain about his back ever until now. He says it is from an accident over 50 years ago. Yes he was in an accident but all of a sudden he needs surgery, he hasn't even seen the back Dr about it yet! All of a sudden he is dependent on the cane, tell everyone he sees how much pain he is in. The man can scurry to the nearest piece of pie with no problem! If he needs surgery he will have to go to my sisters house (the nurse) I dealt with the last one, she can deal with this one.
(1)
Report
Jim, I think Golden is right; memory care for your mom. To get to 100 in her own home is amazing for anyone, but sounds as if she's slipping fast, and NOT safe at home now - please consider MC....
(2)
Report
Jim. It may be time for tough love. It sounds like mom is no longer safe in her home of alone.
(3)
Report
tg - Congratulations are getting your sil out if the house. That is a big step. I hope he gets treatment. He badly needs it. Your dad is a narcissist. They are cunning and turn things out for their own good, Have you read about narcissists? Please do - it will open your eyes. If you are the scapegoat child you will always be the bad son no matter what you do, so trying to please him will not ever work. You need to set the limits which work for you and your wife. It is your lives that are being negatively affected - not his. I hope you eventually open your mind to your dad living elsewhere, with help if needed. You are not a bad son if you make alternate arrangements for him. There are community resources to help him like subsidized housing, meals on wheels, seniors centers etc.

Edited after reading the post again - Jim - from what you describe of your mother, despite whatever else her problems are, the dementia is worsening Paranoia is part of that. She is a sick woman and needs medical help. Please document her behaviours and send them to her new doctor and ask for a referral. I suspect the time is approaching when she cannot live alone alone anymore. She needs a full geriatric psych evaluation and to get that she needs to be seen by a specialist - a geriatric psychiatrist. There are meds which help the paranoia. My own mother, who was always a difficult person, went through this. It was only when the geri psychs became involved that things started being done to help her. This is way past the scope of a pcp. Do you have POA/health and financial? Assisted living may not be enough for her. She may need memory care.
I know you are on a very difficult journey. Please try to get the professionals who can help, involved. Blessings
(4)
Report
I have posted periodically here. My dad passed away recently and my sister and I have been looking at options for my mother. She is 100, has cancer, anxiety,and some dementia. We have looked at carious options from keeping her home with help,assisted living,or having her live with us. My mom can be very difficult. I stayed with her for eight weeks and finally said we are no closer to figuring out what you are going to do than we were in the beginning. I moved back home that day. Tough love if you will. She was starting to call me by my dad's name. She is home alone because that is what she chose. She won't allow any help in the house. We can't put her at our local assisted living because she will say or do something and they will ask her to leave. Yesterday my sister went to visit,one of us is there every day, and my mom bursts into tears. My sister asks her what is wrong and she says that she is having bad memories. My sister says about what. My mom says she found a woman's jewelry in my dad's pants and he must have been having an affair. Mind you this was a 100 year old man who only went out when we took him to run errands. The so called jewelry was a chain for eye glasses and the outside rim of a broken magnifying glass which were sitting on top of a cabinet for the last year and not in my dad's pants pocket. My mother has always been paranoid, but this is over the top. She even came up with a name of a lady who worked next door to my dad's business. Her husband worked with her too. My mother was on the rampage over it. I told my sister to leave. The day before I went over to close all the storm windows and turn off the outside water. The first thing my mother said to me was why did you steal my clock. I just looked at her. I marched into her room and found it laying flat on her nightstand. Then she accused me of stealing the shades from the windows. I said to her there were never any shades on those windows. She wanted to turn it into a fight so I said bye and left. I think she is over the deep end. She sees her doctor this week. She has a new one now. Her old one left,but was well aware of her behavior. We don't know what to do with her right now.
(1)
Report
Dad has never been on his own. For him to live on his own wont do, he doesn't even have enough for sundries or food (except is dining out). At least now with the SIL out (changed all the house codes) I can focus on dad. It is his birthday today. I offered to take him to lunch, Of course he picks the place that is 45 minutes away in the middle of my work day so there is 2 and a 1/2 hours out of my day. Of course it is the place he can get lobster. I figured it will be cheaper than dinner. Dinner would cost me $200 minimum so a $40 lunch will be better. Depending on what he gets for lunch will determine dinner. He does this, turns it in his favor. Oh well, it is once a year.
Since when do parents become so cunning? Like children, seeing how far they can get. Made him his favorite cake today. So I am still the bad son?
(0)
Report
TG, My mom lives in a place very like the one ABB's dad is in now, and even though she has physical challenges (spine deteriorating, bad pain sometimes and bent way over), she likes it and doesn't want to leave. She has a cat she loves and can care for, gets a hsskpr and laundress weekly, RN visit weekly, pays various people in the building small sums to help her with things and/or drive her some. No shuttle on site, but with 24 hr notice, she can use the town shuttle (small town). Staff on site, emergency maintenance person 24 yrs - how bad can it be - and it's Section8. The building is older, but well kept, and there is a buzz system to get in after hours and weekends. Entertainments, elderly meals - in the dining room, or if needed, sent up to the apt, various churches do services and Bible studies in the building - all kinds of stuff - way more to do than I have here. Bet your dad would like something like that!
(4)
Report
What Veronica suggested for new living for Dad, TG, is exactly type of residence my dad went to in May. Other family said "he can't live on his own!" and I said "I think he can, let's try it." Sixth months later and I think my dad really likes it that he is independent now. He didn't like me fussing at him all the time and having to ask me to do things for him. He is extremely low income, receives only the minimum supplemental income for US elders, so if my dad can afford a place, then anyone's parent can afford a place. You can still help him but... every geriatrician and nurse and medical pro I've ever encountered has always advised to keep seniors as independent as possible for as long as possible. You've been enabling your dad and I personally don't believe it's good for him, physically or mentally. My dad was scared to be on his own (though he wouldn't admit that), but when I found the place and got him in it, he saw that he could do it on his own and I can tell he has a new sense of self confidence about him. Our dads are very different, but I'm telling you: pushing my dad into an independent living place was best thing I've ever done for him.

My dad's new apartment is quite nice, just the right size, there is some daily oversight from building staff and there are parties and such where he can socialize. There are shuttles 3x a week to shopping, on-demand rides to doctors. I wish I had such a life! He has it made and he isn't beholden to anyone. What more could a narcissist want? :-)

Maybe just do some checking into HUD places in your area and go do a drive by. They're pretty nice, imo. It took me several years to accomplish getting my dad moved into his new place but wow, been the best thing ever for everyone, especially my dad. 
(6)
Report
TG tell Dad that if he doesn't take the dog out at least three times a day you will be reporting him for animal abuse and asking the dog be removed from his care. And follow through.
You have got one big headache taken care of - finally - so now move on to Dad.
However much responsibility you feel for Dad if you want to continue to have a wife find him somewhere else to live. Get him on a list for HUD, Section 8 or an elder apartment if he is capable of living alone. You can still help him out on your own schedule. Some places rounf here have nice apartments and a resident warden and have their own bus which takes them shopping.
It can be done you just have to persevere.
(6)
Report
This is YOU thread. 😆  I just realized that, just now.

Well. That makes sense.  😉🙃
(3)
Report
Very true, CW. And TG, I've been responding to your posts on YOU thread lately with some questions that are meant to be thought provoking for you, only because those same types of questions helped me a great deal a few years back. However, if you just want a safe space to vent about your situation, then that's more than acceptable on AC. It's your life, your family, your money -- do what you feel is for the best, of course. :-)

Just explaining that -- I know we mean well around here when we push for people to stand up for themselves, but if you're doing exactly what you want to be doing given the situation, and you only wish to complain about it and have a moment of indulging in that and then go back to more of the same... then by all means, of course, it's your life and AC is here to be a support to the caregiver, whatever form that support is.
(4)
Report
TG I get it, sometimes it is easier to just get it done yourself than try to change things, doesn't mean you don't want to b!tch about it though.
(3)
Report
Yes, I could ignore the car and the bills. We live in the country, no buses or taxis. He could ask friends for a ride but that would lose its luster. Sometimes it is easier to pay the piper. Get him a cheaper car? That would entail coming up with cash. His car is 10 years old, Anything I get would be more work. He gave me his truck last year (Value of 9K) so I could buy a new one so indirectly that is going to whenever there is an issue.
Yes I did laugh when he told me about AA. Just like when he was at a winery and had a special hamburger named after "James Beard". He told me "They named the hamburger after the guy who started the boy scouts"..... Hmmmm, I told my wife, "more like maybe the award winning chef you might think"? Again, I had to laugh.....

Its been a difficult weekend getting the SIL out. I felt like I got hit by a bus from all the adrenaline coming down. Its been tough. knowing someone, and tossing them out. Its not that I didn't like him, I just didn't like the person he was. Hopefully he will get the help he needs. He needed to be with his family so they can help him and take is problems with him. Already the house is calmer. Still finding booze bottles tho...

Getting tired of bailing people out......
(2)
Report
Oh TG: “I know the guy who started AA....” Please tell us you laughed! Or promise us you will laugh about it someday. 😜
(5)
Report
Okay let me stop you right there -

"If I didn't pay for it he would be here and go nowhere then I would have to drive him..."

No You Wouldn't.

If you didn't pay for the car repairs, he wouldn't be able to get the car repaired. He could sell it as a doer-upper and use the cash for taxi rides or bus rides or whatever, or it can sit in the garage until he's got the wherewithal together. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Then he would be here and go nowhere... Well, that's up to him. He can sit and feel sorry for himself. Or he can call a friend and arrange a lift. Or he can get off his arse and take his poor old dog for a walk. But the point is, it's Up To Him.

and I would have to drive him. Why?

I'll tell you why. Because you insist on taking responsibility for solving his problems, that's why. But you have the same binary choice that you have always had, and are STILL not getting.

a) Your father is a competent adult who is responsible for his own welfare and can make his own decisions. His problems are his problems, not yours to solve - or bloody pay for!!!

OR

b) Your father is your dependant, who is beginning to lose competence, and you are responsible for his welfare and that of his belongings including the dog. In which case, your house, your family, your rules. Get him a cheaper car. Get him a bicycle. Stop funding things that aren't good for him and that you don't approve of and that make your life difficult. Best idea of all: find him a good facility.

But please correct that error in thinking. You do not HAVE to do anything. You make choices about what you want to achieve based on what you believe is the right thing to do. Stop leading yourself up blind alleys.

Hugs!
(6)
Report
As for dads car repairs he says he will pay me... I expect half. I guess it goes with the territory. If I didn't pay for it he would be here and go nowhere then I would have to drive him...
As far as daughter she is back to her normal self, even better. I know she will yo yo but from what she tells us a huge weight was lifted. He was a complete drunk, hammered every day. We knew it was bad but not as bad as she has told us. I am so glad she was here and we could help her through this. She has already moved on in her mind and is planning to get her own place quickly. She needed this. I tried to tell her long before but she was nose blind. Now her eyes are open!
As for dad, not sure, we will just be day to day with him. He is a narcissist, his sister called yesterday and advised she was in the hospital with a kidney stone, he immediately went into how bad his were. No mention of how was she healing etc.... Its all about him. The other day he watched his dog piss all over the living room rug and didn't even move. He let my daughter and wife clean it up and didn't even move out of his chair. He wont let his dog out more than once a day. We tell him every day let your dog out even at night he wont do it. It is like living with a child.... I have 3 dogs now..... only one is mine....
(1)
Report
That is great news, TG. I'm sure it must have been so difficult watching your daughter go through this Life Learning Lesson, but... I'm hoping that things really calm down on that front from now on. Now. Can you get your dad to act a little less entitled with you? Why does he think you're just there to run, fetch, pay, etc., as he pleases for as long as he pleases? :-) I've read the other thread where you describe your situation, so no need to recap, I'm just pointing out that you have a mentally acute adult living in your household that seems to believe they are a child of yours. Only minor age children don't contribute to households in any financial or other way, and just live rent free and expect all their needs to be met.  That behavior shouldn't be tolerated from any adult, even if they are your parent, UNLESS you are happy to perform these services for your dad.  It's your choice to make.  If it's your choice to provide him this lifestyle, that's one thing.   I think it's admirable that you want to do all that for your dad.  
(1)
Report
What a weekend...... daughter finally gave her husband to kick to the curb. After long discussions the light finally went on. She packed up all his stuff and put it in the garage. She called his family to come pick him up. He came home, sat him down and told him. I was very proud of her that she kept it respectful and dignified and didn't make it a Jerry Springer show. He took it like a man. His family picked him up (He called them, we had them stage down the street before hand). I stood close by to her if she needed us. It was not easy but the best for all. Earlier in the day she and I cleaned his car out (the one that broke down a couple weeks ago). We filled a 45 gallon trashcan 1/3rd of the way with booze bottles that were under the drivers seat and everywhere in the car.... He drank so much every day I dont know how he was standing up. A true alcoholic, drinking nips and pocket bottles, drinking warm vodka mixed into his non alcoholic beer or replacing water in bottles with vodka (so we would see him only drinking that). Hopefully his family will now take care of him.
I asked my father not to tell anyone about this until our daughter is ready. he immediately goes into I mode, "I know the guy who started AA"... how can anyone be so self centered when his granddaughter is going though this, not one question on how she is doing....
So now a little less tension in the house. Now to deal with dad, take him to the repair shop so I can pay for his car repair... "happy birthday dad"...... Lets see what next issue he comes up with...... Oh yeah, he claims he will need back surgery...... as the siren wales.......
(1)
Report
Book definitely go back to the Dr. There is the possibility that you may have Whooping cough if this has gone on for so long. my hubby had it earlier in the year and was quite ill and the cough lasted many weeks.
(2)
Report
Thanks, Cwillie. I will try to make an appointment for Wednesday afternoon and request antibiotic since I’ve had this cough going on 4 weeks.
(4)
Report
Book, a couple of years ago I had a terrible cough that just wouldn't go away. An x-ray ruled out pneumonia for me too, but the doc prescribed an antibiotic anyway to combat the infection and I felt relief almost immediately. Maybe you should go back to the doctor.
(3)
Report
Golden, I still go around with a sweater and my throat wrapped. People looked at me weirdly yesterday as I went shopping with fave sis. To walk from the hot muggy outside air into an air conditioned store - it triggered my coughing fit. Taking off the sweater inside the store, the cold air con triggered my coughing. The same with the scarf around my throat.

Today, I needed to buy a 20lb bag of rice. I struggled to get it up into the cart, then out of the cart into the trunk and then from the trunk up the porch stairs and into the house - all using mainly my right arm. I used my left hand as little as possible. Even just using my right hand, I felt it pulling my pulled muscle, causing pain on my left side. But I did it!

Now if I can just talk for over 3 minutes without getting into a coughing fit. My bosses will be going off island at the end of this week. I will be by myself manning the phones. I sooo dread this because the cough medicine doesn't work if I talk too much. I was talking to oldest sis today telling her a story. Not even 5 minutes, I started struggling to breathe, panting, coughing. I swear it feels like I'm asthmatic. (Not that I know what an asthmatic person does...only what I see on TV.) I have weaned myself off the cough medicine this weekend. But I will have to take it tomorrow - every work day morning. Can't afford to break into uncontrollable coughing. Not very professional. Other than that, I think I'm getting better. {knocking on wood. Let's not jinx it.}
(3)
Report
Tgengine, I learned something new today, from ABB and others. I tend to say that I 'have to do this or that' because in my mind, I do - from a sense of obligation or expectations from others to me, etc... I like that by just changing a few words, it can release me from feeling 'obligated, expected to, etc...'

My brother got married. Both of them don't know the meaning of monogamy. Both get hurts when the other fools around. But.. they still got married. When she finally found a better man (more money and willing to spoil her), she walked out of my brother and their 4 kids. My brother kept hinting to us how so expensive it will cost to get a divorce. He claimed thousands of dollars. None of us offered. He made the decision to marry. He can just as well find the money for the divorce. (She ended up paying for it because she wanted to marry her new man.)
(4)
Report
TG, purely as a mental exercise try this: what would happen if you did not put your father's car repairs on your credit card? He doesn't get his car fixed. And? He doesn't have a car. And?

Also. Do you think your wife is joking, too? I wouldn't be too sure about that. There's many a true word spoken in jest, and you don't want to wake up one day and discover she's moved herself into a nice little one-person apartment somewhere because she got tired of waiting for you to listen.
(5)
Report
The house deal for the daughter is off. I advised it is a lesson learned. She will lose a little bit of down money and costs but in the long run cheaper. We will see how this all pans out. As far as dad, he doesn't have the money to fix his car. Of course I have to put it on my card, not that I will see the return. Sister had to give him 6K 2 years ago to fix his transmission. He gives her a hundred here and there. Funny, he has no problem asking for the money. I guess since he gave me his truck last year I must be obliged...... Other than the fact I provide a roof, food, and all the utilities... but I guess that does not matter.
His latest issue is his back, complains of pain from his accident 50 years ago. He cant stand for long periods of time, yet he will go to his club and cook all day (so he says). My wife advised him "why dont you get people to help?" Now he is going to see a surgeon about his back and have surgery. How about you stop eating out all the time, exercise and lose some weight? His clothes dont fit, his belly is popping his shirt buttons. his weight is the issue, not his back although one effects the other. Now if he has surgery we will have to be the nurse again, nope! He can go to his daughters to have it. I suffered through one, not doing that again.....
I have been trying to be the nicer son and talk to him but nothing changes. Wife keeps telling me we should sell and move into a one bedroom condo...... There are days!
(3)
Report
book - hope you are feeling somewhat better

tg - good to have sil out of the house. Is dd still proceeding with the house purchase? I agree with what ali said - you don't have to do any of that. You can choose to but you don't have to. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow they would find a way.

alii - very well put. "I've found that for myself, personally, when I would own my choices, it made things more clear as to what my choices were, exactly. I would still choose to do the things that were easiest and best, the choices to take care of others and do things myself, but it helped to affirm often that I did have a choice, and I better understood the role I played in the bigger picture." Yes!!!
(4)
Report
Hey, tg, I feel for ya, I truly do. You know you don't have to pay for anything you don't want to, though.  It may help you to start changing the language you use to describe your caregiving situation. Instead of saying "I have to pay for it," say "I'll likely pay to fix it because that seems best remedy to me, given the situation." But don't tell yourself that you HAVE to pay for the water pump, or any potential divorce. You don't. I've found that for myself, personally, when I would own my choices, it made things more clear as to what my choices were, exactly. I would still choose to do the things that were easiest and best, the choices to take care of others and do things myself, but it helped to affirm often that I did have a choice, and I better understood the role I played in the bigger picture.  

This was just the thought that went through my head when I read your post, nothing more, definitely not a criticism of you.  :-)  Caregiving snares some of us in a mental way, and while you may never find your way clear of doing the physical or financial things that you feel need doing, you can be very clear with yourself that this is your choice. And you're a darn good person for doing these things for your family. :-)
(5)
Report
Dads water pup in his car went today, means I have to pay for it... again no pre-plan.... daughter gave the SIL the boot today, finally, had enough, so he is out of my house for now. Hopefully forever. We will see. He needed to go, she deserves better. Paid for a wedding now mostly likely will pay for the divorce..... which on will I be happier about? The sandwich generation. Dealing with dad, daughter and BIL in a NH in another state..
(4)
Report
I pulled my pulled upper chest muscle again last night. It’s been days since I felt it. As I tried to sleep, that pulled muscle felt like it was tightening my upper chest. I was breathing very shallow to avoid the sharp pains. I had an Aha moment. My dad used a lot of the White Flower ointment (liquid form) for his arthritis. I painfully got up and opened a new box of it. I’ve never used one before. I tilted the bottle and a teeny tiny amount came out. I dabbed it on the most painful area, the area 2 inches below my left underarm. Hmmm. That was a tiny amount. Maybe I should put more. I dabbed 2 more times. And one more on the muscle pain above my heart.... laid down. The heat came, strong. Oh my, it’s very hot. I think I dabbed too much. This White Flower is similar to Bengay (I used it once but found it too painful. Never used Bengay again.)... It was too hot and I felt my heart beating too fast. Oops, too much. I got up and wiped off the ointment. Ohhh, there was no pain when I got up. It worked!! That was lastnight. I woke up this morning, and still no upper chest pain. The White Flower works better than Tylenol....
(5)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter