This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Patticake... yeah, I think we all go through that. Those barbs of comments. I remember my dad doing that & watching me carefully to see if it hit the target. I've learned to show no emotions no matter how painful it was. Never show them that it hurts. It will just encourage them to continue. I still remember the times I couldn't take it anymore, and we would have one of our famous yelling sessions.
Mom puts on such a show for others. ( Won’t bore you with her little comments that I should let roll off my shoulders.) Just being here with you all that are understanding is enough. Happy Thanksgiving! I am grateful for the many posts on this website.
I have people who say I'm do sweet for doing what I'm doing and some say they would do the same thing, but they have no idea what is like and I'm sure most wouldn't be able to do it for the long haul like myself and many others on here are doing. They really dont know what its like. I want to run away so badly, but I can't and won't. I'm finding that im so stressed that I'm having a hard time remembering things and I can't stand it! There's no light at the end of the tunnel.
This morning I googled on how to heal from a pulled upper chest muscle... oh my... I’ve been doing shallow breathing most of the time. This is Not good because it can lead to infection (in the lung, I presume) and pneumonia. Yikes! ... I’ve been gently massaging the area because it makes me feel better. Uhm, it says don’t massage.... Epsom salt bath not possible since we don’t have a bathtub..... and exercises instructions from my doctor after diagnosed. Uhm, no, doctor just said I had pulled a muscle. No advice about my telling him that I struggled breathing, only doing shallow ones to avoid pain..... and now I find out that it’s important I avoid shallow breathing. Sneezed twice lastnight. Don’t know how to avoid straining the pulled muscle when sneezing. D*rn it!
I’m going to have to buy asprin. Asprin works better for this than Tylenol... and this will take longer to heal.... gotta get ready for work.
Dad is away for a week, SIL is out of the house and both daughters are here. So relaxing already. Dad did call last night and put on a show for all to hear on his end, asking how the girls are, if I am going hunting and why not. All of these things could have been accomplished 10 hours before when he was here.He puts on a caring show when my family is around to hear how much he cares. Will he ask the same when he is in front of us at my house? No. I was pretty snippy at him on the phone and my wife chidded me until I explained he did it in front of my sister to make himself look good as usual.... Oh, he will be helping to cook there for a day.... Yup, I dont let him do anything here..... but sister will... for a day until he leaves there...... Yup, "divorced Disney parent syndrome"...
Now time for me to chilax!!!!! Happy Holidays!
SIL stopped by to get some more items. He hasn't changed. At least we can talk. I am the middleman so there is no issues. They need separation right now. He has no reason to stop by now, all his stuff he has or it is in storage and he has the key. Next is paperwork to complete the process. Amazing how the tension has decreased. For those with an alcoholic and someone who lives with depression please get them help. We couldn't get him help as he hasn't found bottom yet. I offered again and again to help him. It is a hard road for everyone involved.
Edit: Found it the audible kindle. It’s not running from the Silk browser. Not Newsstand. Not Audiobooks. Nor Music, Apps...I don’t even know where to turn it off on this kindle. I’m just going to shut everything off and reboot.
Hope niece gets to enjoy a good thanksgiving holiday meal
Some Asian immigrants will serve rice with the turkey instead of bread stuffing
She said that she met 2 mothers - Korean and Japanese. They all seem to congregate together automatically. They all miss the most - authentic Asian meals. The Korean mom finally asked my niece where she came from - when my niece said she misses Kimchii, rice, pancit, and real fresh sushi, etc...
Niece said to me.. Aunty, do you know when they say they're having a BBQ, what does that mean? I said yes. Uncle told me that when he first moved to the states, he was excited to be invited to a BBQ. When he got there, the food was only hot dogs. Niece said, Yes! She went to a BBQ, and it was Just Hot Dogs. No pizza. No anything. Just hot dogs... Our BBQ, usually involves the guys attending the BBQ pit barbecuing chicken, then short ribs, then clams. We have rice, pancit (noodles), potato salad. That's a simple BBQ. It's not hot dogs. Hot dogs is snack to tide the kids over until the real food is ready. So, after the 'BBQ', they went to the park, where a Filipino food truck was located. The kids saw the pictures of pancit and lumpia and they insisted on buying their food there.... She told me aghast, "Aunty, at the BBQ, no one cared that the flies landed on the food! I refused to let the kids eat the hot dog. I forced myself to eat one to not appear rude.. and I had diarrhea for several days. Only me and not the kids." Her and the kids are still going through culture shock....
I learned that some family caregivers can be paid, others from the goodness of their heart (or guilted into it.) And I learned how big a difference our culture was.
Looking forward to the first Thanksgiving with just the girls in 10 years! Whooo hooo! Momosas and cinnamon buns in the morning watching the parade, a game on TV and a light dinner and a movie afterward! Maybe even taking the dogs for a walk!
I know for myself, my parents aging came as a surprise.... guess I thought they would continue to walk 2 miles per day as they approached 100. Keep up volunteer work, yard work, get their own groceries, do their own shopping, and doctor appointments. I know, I was naive, I never saw my grandparents nor aunts/uncles age due to long distance.
The only thing we can do is educate the next generation into saving for those "rainy days" like what my parents had done. I don't know what I would have done if they hadn't saved. But I know this isn't always an option for everyone. Wish something could be done. Like a program where the government would match dollar for dollar for a saving account that is untouchable until one is in need of caregivers or assisted living. Not like long-term-care insurance which can be limited.
One can also check with their local Agency on Aging to see what is available. Like Meals On Wheels which would be helpful for those who hate to cook, or have limited means on preparing a meal.
Also check out the articles on Aging Care. Go to the bottom of this page to the blue section and click on what is of interest.
But then I realized that there is not much in resources for this job of caregiver outside of venting . Respite or home health is often not an option financially . For the caregiver If they are a spouse or family member there is no salary , no benefits neverending hours 24/7 . Seems to me it is time for to recognize these people provide healthcare and should receive some compensation and breaks as the patients would be in very costly nursing homes if not for us
Ki o tsukete, ne
For me, I have gotten so much excellent advice from everyone here, that I feel good about coming back and sharing my experiences hoping to help others.
So, please keep on posting, Book :)
You are very wise to not want to stay late at work when everyone else has gone home.
Is there anyway you could change your schedule, go in an hour earlier? I know with some jobs (like any accounting/bookkeeping/taxes) one needs the space and some quiet to concentrate. I used to go in on a Saturday for billing, but that did not exactly work.
One is still there working alone, another doctor came looking for my boss. Well, he stayed, talking..talking...trying to lead the conversation the wrong way, talking about affairs when you are married, even going so far to say he (and I) were having an intellectual affair, No we were not! I left and later told my boss. So, working alone in an empty building is just not good for you, although I know other people who do. Well, I would have been better off IF the building were actually EMPTY! Lol. But that was many years ago, and today's world is more unsafe staying late.
All these years, the adrenaline, the flight or fight hormones running through the body at times of stress, it is the same when you are afraid. Take away the fear factor, and you might feel so much better!
Good blessings to you, wherever you are posting, you are appreciated. And any caregiver who has lost someone is welcome, like an alumni, anywhere, posting anywhere, visiting old friends on here. One doesn't have to be helping, or receiving help, just showing up where you are loved and welcome counts!
I love your posts and I learn from people on here of all ages and in all stages of caregiving. That's including the people that are finished. Besides that, I would miss any of your ghost stories!
Because lately, I refuse to work late, past 6pm, I'm just soooo behind with work. I'm back to sleeping on my sofa bed in the livingroom. It's much cooler than my bedroom. I'm sleeping better, too. I guess after sleeping over 20 years in the livingroom (with my bedridden parent/s), I sleep better there than in my own bedroom.
Have not written to you in awhile. Wondering just how you have been. Please know that you are not forgotten, ever, and we look up to you. Recently wanted to comment on your good answers around the forum. Are you still posting on this thread?
Just cannot wait to hear when you will have a much deserved vacation to wherever you want to go. Talk soon, okay?
This is National Caregiver month, and just want you to know you are celebrated too!