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Sometimes you are your own worst enemy.

I was woken up by Amazon delivery at 5:09 am this morning.

Yesterday was a busy day with R tackling all sorts of accident-related paper work. Forms, forms and more forms - police, insurance. medical...The printer was going like crazy and was misbehaving, which is not unusual, It's an old one. And I am the one do the printing and to resuscitate it, which sometimes takes a bit of work. After clearing the print queue many times, rebooting the computer and the printer, clearing the paper path, and finally finding that the connecting USB cable was failing and the ink was low, I ordered both from Amazon.

In the rush I neglected to tick the right box.

So I was woken up from a dead sleep at crazy o'clock in the morning by a call to buzz in the person delivering the ink. Aaaargh!!!

Thankfully, I went back to sleep.💤💤💤
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precious - you have to set boundaries as to that you will and what you won't do. No ,you can't make her happy. That's her job for herself. Doing for her things she can do for herself is not healthy - it's enabling. Bringing her junk food and things that are not good for her is enabling her bad habits. Lots of us have had many losses and have been through a lot. It's no excuse.

Apparently this is not gooo]d for you or for her. She needs to become far more independent and she won't do that as long as you are catering to her.

What do you do?

1) You don't nag her. She knows by now what isn't good for her and what she needs to do to help herself. You nagging her is not helping you or her.

2) you stop doing those thing that are enabling her so if she wants food or anything else she can get up and get it herself,

3) when she expresses unhappiness about these change, walk away, Don't engage in any conversation and don't listen to her complaints (abuse?)

4) You don't have to explain or justify yourself. You can make a statement that you will not be doing x,y z anymore and then let it be.

You are the one who has to change to make this tolerable for you. At some point you may want to look into assisted living arrangements for your mother. Her health will not get better. With an older husband you need to be enjoying your time together now.

All the best going forward i a healthier direction!
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Precious, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I would advise you to not enable your mom. You might be doing things for her that she can do for herself, so stop doing that! Accept you can't change her and live your life you have built for yourself and your family,
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I can defiantly relate......the sun had not come up before I am hit with "She thinks she should get my own place to live in" (mind you we already own this home together) and I have no issue with her living on her on (would do us both of us some good) but here's the thing, she has mobility issues and does not do much around here (not that she has to do anything for me, but do what she can for herself) and I know she be in pain (knee/hip replacement is needed or so she said and her being obese does not help any) which is why the Dr and nurses feel she need to do certain exercises that would help her with keeping up her strength in her limbs, arms, etc....but all she does is order me to order fast food, bring it to her....and the rest is history. She now stays literally in her bed.....with bare minimum of getting up, moving about and this only makes the situation worse...on her and me. I love my mom with all my heart, I am not the enemy but she make me feel as though I am. She has been through a lot (lost her husband, two children, brothers, etc but not all at once) I know she deals with depression, but she's not on any medication for it or seek therapy, even though I have suggested.....I can't make her happy or satisfied it seems....well, as long as I just bring her what she wants (chewing tobacco since she was 16, which I hate, and of course junk food and fast food....if I did that and not nag to her about not having that, she is happy as she can be.....I don't know what to do anymore....I am the only living child left (lost two of them (38yr old and 43yr old about a 2yrs apart). I miss them very much, especially my brother....we were closer, but I have always been the ONE who was always around my mom....from day one it seems...I am married, have been now for over 13yrs (known each other since 2005 though). He is understanding and older....actually older then my mother, and he gets around much better then she does.....strange I guess. We both do what we can for her, but what she want is for people to do EVERYTHING for her....and not nag...or vent about it.....crazy.
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Cwillie, when I came on AC, I thought I was the worst human alive, because I couldn't deal with this sweet little old lady ( as what everyone was telling me) I honestly didnt feel worthy of anyone even answering my questions.

Then I found AC, and it was extremely overwhelming to me. One minute I'm being loved bomb by strangers, when I didn't feel worthy of any of it, or being feeling like I'm stupid for not knowing what people thought I should already know.

Personally I get what they are feeling and I get where they are and if they want to vent a little at the beginning or if there not clear , or there punctuation is not perfect.I get it. They are so overwhelmed, by what what's going on in there life, there brain is thinking with emotions , not logic.

On top of everything I was going through, I have a learning disability that made it even harder to express my feelings.
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Cwillie, I think we have to understand what these people are going through and where there emotions are, and what we are all throwing at them is a lot for them to handle at one time.

Golden I just looked that up EMDR that's interesting, I've never heard of it.

Waytomisery, I truly think Golden is right, I wish it was a generational thing. I ended up here because no one understood me and what I went through, with the guilt manipulation. So personally I think that really there isn't as much guilt used parenting , I think we just all end up here because we are desperately looking for answers and no one around us has them because they have never been though this.
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Hate filled rants? I don't think I have been reading the same posts that you have, cw. I do agree people feel they can say anything.

geaton, EMDR does work to reduce trauma around specific memories according to what I have read and first hand experience of a therapist. I wouldn't know where to start with the traumatic memories. There are too many. But over time and with counselling they do not carry the same weight in my emotional life. And there is more to recovery than dealing with trauma. It's also a matter or relearning how to deal with your emotions, how to deal with people, communication skills , repairing self esteem and more. However, it can be done. People are resilient.

way - I'm not so sure it is a generational thing. I have known delightful people from my mother's generation. My grandmothers and grandfather were good sane people, All of my aunts and uncles were lovely caring people. My friend's mothers were kind and caring and normal. However, these days therapy is more openly accepted which it wasn't in those days. My dd asked me once why didn't our family go for counselling. I said there wasn't any. Even if there had been mother would not have gone. In her mind she was OK, it was everyone else who was the problem.
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I hope the next generation doesn’t have as much FOG to deal with . I think that was pretty common in parenting years ago . I know my mother and mother in law were pros at it .

It explains all the people with guilt here.
Guilt trips obviously were a common way of parenting back then .

Then when a parent needs you they rely back on their parenting ways .
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Margaret - back in it's earliest days the Whine thread was essentially a conversation among a few members whose situations resonated with each other, it took me a long time to break into that clique! Of course now almost all of them have left the forum.
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I don't think I was here for your earliest posts Golden but for me I see a difference between your journey and the many posts we seem to be getting more recently, so many of them are in complete denial about the level of dysfunction they are living with and will vehemently attack anyone who doesn't agree with their narrative. And then there are the extreme, hate filled rants (but I guess we've always had those). Maybe that's just the way of social media today, people feel free to say almost anything.🤷‍♀️
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golden, you are right... I cannot imagine it. My good friend is an experienced trauma therapist who trains therapists in EMDR therapy for victims and so far I've heard it has a very high success rate (heard it from various people including ones on this forum). I don't feel right suggesting a therapy I've not used myself, but I trust my friend that EMDR is a safe and effective treatment option.
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geaton - even with therapy, which I have had off and on all my adult life for my family of origin issues, peer support from others going through the same is invaluable.

As way says - if you haven't been there you really have no idea what people who are living it are facing.
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Cwillie, I’m finding that the various ‘everything’ threads don’t work well for me. After several posts from other people about their different family issues, I forget who is who, and what their issues were when they explained them earlier.

I’ve tried to steer new posters away from the ‘everything’ thread to ask their own question. Also urge them to complete a profile. Perhaps we should not run with everything that comes from ‘newbies’. It turns the general threads into a one-off complaints session, not really what was intended. My 'whine moment today' is starting to seem like something we should all go 'gray rock' on! Like the other general complaints.
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Golden ,

I agree . The families with the pleasant elderly person who agrees to hire help to come in the house or go to assisted living when they need help are not needing to come here for the same type of issues as those with a narc parent . It’s difficult to understand what that is like unless you’ve lived it .
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Considering that I am one of "them", I think this forum does a great job of supporting caregivers with relational problems.

Those of us who come from dysfunctional/abusive families face additional difficulties when caregiving.the people who abused us. Relationship problems are the biggest part of it for us and are a very legitimate issue.

So, cw, I disagree with you. I don't think there are an excess amount of relationship threads here. I think there are the number of threads that reflect the needs of the members of this forum. If we were not caregiving mentally ill and abusive people, we would not need this kind of support.

way - I understand being between a rock and a hard place as regards caring for a narc parent. It is a very difficult spot to be in.

geaton - yes!!! Thank you.
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cwillie, I don't know where else they'd go either, except to a therapist -- and I mean that respectfully.
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Unfortunately , when you know that you ( and possibly a spouse ) are the only one(s) there are to make sure an elderly abusive and/or narc parent gets help they need, it’s a very difficult spot to be in . It makes it harder to walk away . Many wish there was someone else to do it . I frequently answer the questions of people in that situation to let them know it’s ok to place the parent in a facility , and I discourage them from living with that type of parent . And I don’t know of a Forum dedicated to this situation .
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I'm not saying there's not a legitimate need Geaton, it's just that I'm not sure this is the right place for them to get the help they need. But then I don't know what is.
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cwillie, I think the number of relationship threads is an accurate reflection of how much of it is "out there" and doesn't make it to this forum. It never stops grieving me whenever I read posts from abuse victims who were groomed and struggling as to whether or not they should take care of their abusers.
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Honestly, I think the forum has had an excess amount of relationship threads for a long time now with all the dysfunctional families attempting to care for one another
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Curious, what's up with all the relationship advice all of the sudden? Or is it just me
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Golden, my eyes the last week have been itchy, just say that are air quality from smoke is up.

I can't imagine what it's like living so close to it
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Sinus pain has been really bad these last few days. We had a couple of days of heavy wildfire smoke which was probably at least part of it. Not as bad today, but then I am taking more meds for it too. I know for me allergens are worse this time of year and all that combined with the construction nearby doesn't help.

I bought better filters for the furnace and a small but good air purifier for the bedroom. It's been raining a bit and I hope it rains more to clean the air, 🌧⛈🌦

nacy - road construction is a pain everywhere. It's all over the place in Edmonton.
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My whine moment is I just found out they are redoing a bridge that connects my town to moms, so that's going to be very frustrating 😖, months of patients, to get back and forth.
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Cwillie,
The improvement in the baby grandson is some really good news!

Thanking God for answered prayers!

And thank you Cwillie for updating us.
Even so, there will be continued prayers for this little one.

I needed this good news!
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Southall, I'm sure your mom would rather be spending time with you too. It's not just one person caregiving, it effects the whole family, in one way or another.
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Having no quality time with my mom bc my aunt and uncle won't step up to care for my grandma.
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CWillie, Praise The Lord!

So happy for all involved.
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I got an update from my friend - her little grandson has been released from the hospital and is improving at a remarkable rate, we are all so thankful!!
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River, so sorry to hear about the gout. It, like kidney stones, is infamous for its pure HURT. I DO agree with you that having the information helps with the pain, because fearing its a fracture adds fear and fear always adds to pain. It helps to have an answer. Wishing you the best in treatment.
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