I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
So she is hopping to spend the weekend with her and I'll take her Monday. 😢
Not something I'm looking forward to doing, for sure!
Ask Mom who else can she call if she did have an emergency?
Plus who would she call if you didn't come home on time.. (anyone can trip in the street, car breaks down etc)
Can she use the phone? Or does she have a personal emergency button?
I went and got mine and my mom's dinner at our country club the 1st full day without my phone and she had a panic attack while I was gone. Maybe it's a good thing she didn't have me during the 70s or even 80s. Overprotective parents of my generation wouldn't have lasted long the moment their kids left for college 40, 50 yrs ago.
I was gonna go to an event earlier today across town for literally a few minutes, but she pleaded with me not to go because I didn't have a phone. We initially considered having a friend come and watch her, but the friend was gonna go to the NH to help feed her 95 yr old mother at the time I was gonna leave the house. I brought up a couple of other friends of hers that could keep her company, but she wouldn't entertain it any further.
She got emotional and talked about how I didn't understand things from her perspective and pulled the "I got you this/that" card regarding the new phone, which is my birthday gift, and dinner every week from our country club. The phone is more out of necessity than desire and as far as the weekly country club dinner, it's always her preference, not mine. She's the one that gets that ball rolling regarding that dinner decision, not me. She has gotten me a phone and weekly club dinner, but she won't give me things like respected wishes, seriousness, and extra help, let alone give me my life back. Several months back, she talked about how various relatives have had at least one son and that I can mark it down when it comes to having a boy. She doesn't grasp my perspective and that if caregiving continues on, I'll be marking down being unmarried and childless instead.
She then talked about how she was "making strides" in her recovery prior to my dad's passing. We all know that was a complete lie and she had long started to be up and around the house on a less frequent basis by that point. She was also resisting calls by my dad to start PT and she would chew out her "best friend" in response to the PT suggestions. She was unmotivated before my dad passed, as well as paranoid over Covid.
Btw, the 6th anniversary of her becoming immobile was a few days ago and when I made note of it, she said it was water under the bridge. Her still being immobile and stuck in the den of our house say otherwise.
Continuing......
💝💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
and the parents too!
Oh that’s scary . I hope the baby does ok .
I found out last night my next door neighbor who has had her ( never a smoker ) metastatic lung cancer “ at bay” with a daily chemo pill is no longer stable . Due to a couple of other medical issues , an infection in an open wound ( dying tissue at an old radiation site where the radiation severely damaged the circulation ) and a blood clot in her leg due to a recent bout of Covid , she can’t get IV chemo again yet . I feel bad for her . Also Her daughter recently finished heavy duty chemo and now is getting radiation fighting an aggressive breast cancer, 38 years old , with 2 very young children .
I realise you are just venting. I really had to get something off my chest the other day - there were no solutions to be had - and it really took a weight off! It gave me the strength to deal with another day. Nevertheless, here's my tuppence worth!
I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with your sister's unreasonable behaviour, on top of grieving for your mother and trying to accept your father's situation.
I don't think that grieving is an excuse for bad behaviour. I think it is an excuse for her feeling upset over something that is really quite trivial - her family photos of Mum being left out - but it doesn't excuse how she treated you, especially when it was clear that the mistake wasn't even your fault - but even if it was.
Your sister is looking for people to blame, as is clear from her reaction to your dad's infection. That has more to do with her character and how she views life than the reality of the situation.
For what it's worth, I think that you have a healthy perspective on your father's condition. I believe in quality of life over quantity. At 95, your dad has had plenty of the latter; now, it seems that the former is coming to an end. Acceptance of the inevitable will help bring you peace.
You can't change your sister's perspective and you are not responsible for her happiness.
Just think about yours, as well as the thigs you can actually change and are genuinely responsible for. Work towards your own wellbeing.
We were going to have one of those photo loops at my mom’s wake, but the whole thing fell through. It didn’t matter. She had a lovely service and many family and friends came to pay their respects. Im sure you had the same, even without all the photos. I’m sorry you’re dealing with sister’s anger on top of everything else.
I kind of identify in a small way because I’ve been dealing with a very difficult brother since moms death, getting in the way of cleaning out and selling mom’s house, and causing me angst at every turn.
But my caregiving days are over for now. Yours are not. You need a break and a great big ((((hug)))). I am praying for you. 🙏
Another thing is you are much more venerable to insults and problems right now. Your whole family has a lot of healing to do.
Don't answer your sisters calls again. If she keeps calling maybe a text to tell her you need some time and if she keeps it up block her. You don't need that hothouseflower.
It's time for you to heal and find some peace.
When my husband died, part of his family attacked me and his closest friends, as if assigning blame would give them a diversion. As if anger was easier for them to process than grief. We felt it brought my MIL and SIL closer together. They now had common enemies. (his death was unexpected and medical - in no way was anyone to blame)
Keep her blocked and grieve in your own way. She may regain perspective (I recently heard from said MIL) or she may find comfort in her anger (like my SIL) for decades. Your sister’s regrets are not yours to carry.
You "ruined" your mother's funeral? That is ridiculous. If your sister wanted every detail of it to be 'just so' (I absolutely detest this expression to my very core, but for lack of a better term), why didn't she miss out on the wedding and make sure she planned every detail?
Honestly, you should have slapped her one. I think I would have.
You also lost your mother and are grieving , don’t accept drama or blame of anything during the caregiving .
That can happen after a parent dies . It’s like the post game analysis . You don’t need it from family . We all do enough of that in our own heads .
I do realize for the time being you feel you have to deal with each other until Dad passes . I felt the same way and put up with cr4p .
It’s a relief when you don’t have to anymore .
”ruined her mother’s funeral for her “.
You don’t deserve that.
OMG, I don’t even know where to start with that , it’s so ridiculous , I don’t even think your sister grieving is an excuse , IMO .
What individual joy and recognition was she expecting to get at her mother’s funeral ??
That sounds like a crazy, bent out of shape about something minor , mother of the groom or mother of the bride who forget that their child’s wedding is not about them .
Your mother’s funeral was NOT about your sister !! Sheez . I’m with your husband , I would have hung up .
I have seen people after a death do some rather stupid things. I tell them , I think the first 6 months after a death, others should forgive some of mean and stupid thing they did and let it go .
But after 6 months, if they are still being jerks . The so long.
Hothouseflower, also much of this will pass. Trust me on that 💓
I am hurt and angry because she is always going to remember me as the person who ruined her mother's funeral for her. I don't think I deserve that.
I’m sorry you had to deal with all that .
I don’t blame you for blocking calls .
On a side note , family photo and videos at funerals ?? I just don’t get it . When did funerals become a show?? I don’t think I would even load any pictures if asked except for photos of the deceased ??
But then again I am a very private griever to begin with . So I have a different mindset . I’m the let’s get it over with and go home type . I went straight home after my mother’s funeral . No partying with family afterwords.
My sister left me with the details and I thought I rose to the challenge. Unfortunately there was a misunderstanding with the pictures that were scanned. I loaded her pictures that she gave me to the funeral home website after I gave the funeral home the ones I scanned. Unfortunately her pictures were not included in the video loop where the funeral was. I did call to apologize after the funeral director informed me how upset my sister was. Today I pointed out if she felt so strongly about planning this funeral she should be opted to be at the meeting with the funeral director and not consoling someone else on the death of their loved one.
I thought everything was okay a few weeks ago. It was not. I had to call her for some other reason which got her really angry and then brought this
Between that and the fact she feels put upon visiting our father in the NH it was a miserable conversation. She is upset he has a fungus which she insists is because they left him in bed on Sunday. It don't think it is. It is because he is in adult disposable underwear. The facility has been treating it, the doctor checks it every week. They can't seem to get it cleared up. She is all upset because it spread. I told her at 95, something is going to get the better of him. I cannot worry so much anymore about keeping him going. Mom is gone and there is absolutely nothing left for him to live for. He is only living as long as he is because he is getting good care at this facility, otherwise he would have been gone a long time ago.
I told her visit as little or as much as you want, that is why he is where he is. Or bring him to her house or put him in another Medicaid facility. Those are her options.
I decided to block her, don't want to talk to her anymore. You cannot make this stuff up. Who knows if she reads this site, I really don't care. Being on the receiving end of her wrath is more devastating than my mother dying.
If anybody reads through this miserable story, just thanking you. There is nothing anyone can say. I feel better posting it for posterity.
But sounds like your getting past that
The slow progression of recovering scared me a little. Day ten I forced myself to take a walk around the block, it was a slow walk. Also, brain fog for a few weeks. I had to tell myself to open a door before I walked though it.
Took probably a month to feel 100 percent. And yes I'm getting the vaccine as soon as I can this fall