I am the out of state daughter of an 93 year old mother with neuropathy, on a walker, bad shoulders, and living in independent living apt. attached to a larger facility. My sister lives in town and has primary responsibility for mom's needs. I travel to their city where I spend 4 months in the summer to help - but with Covid, I didn't get up there this year. Additionally, I do and keep all of mom's finances and make any and every call needed to outside agencies as needed for mom.
My sister is very dramatic and has a love/hate relationship with my mom. My mom can be very passive aggressive to us both. She wants mom out of her life. Recently, in the past few years, my sister has taken out her resentment and anger on me. She is deeply furious that I live out of state and cannot take my "50% of mom." She stops talking to me, or says something nasty to me, and then apologizes which are now hollow to me. I have had much counseling to deal with the dynamics of our family and mom's aging care. It has helped me so much and I have offered to take my sister, pay for it, to help her deal with this time in life. She refuses. I write because this year, with me not getting there, everything has gotten worse. Sister feels so put upon. I have offered additional homecare for mom, I have tried to arrange other rides for mom if she needs to get to a Dr. So far, my sister does it all.
So this week, my sister now wants mom is assisted living because of her neuropathy and being a fall risk, among other changes that my sister reports to me. Mom cannot afford assisted living on her own. But we have long term care insurance and the possibility of VA funding if medical criteria are met. Mom is still independent on her walker, although feeble. She meets all of her activities of daily living so her long term care insurance would not pay for her to go to assisted living.
Today, I checked with homecare with some questions for the aide who sees mom weekly on changes in mental and physical status. I have been informed that there have been no changes in mom. That mom still bathes herself although the aide helps her get in and out of the shower. That mom still dresses herself. I reported this to my sister and her response was, "well I'm glad you have THEM to ask."
My sister and I used to be great friends. She has pushed me completely out of her life. It happens over and over again. A couple of years ago I was devastated by her stopping talking to me. I'm better now but what a waste. We could be such a good team, but I feel like through this aging process with mom, I have lost a sister.
Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent.
1 - Your sister appears to be overwhelmed or burnt out with caring for your mom. It is not about your mom's conditions, but about your sister's coping. If she is not willing to talk to a counsellor regularly or allow additional help, the situation will not change. "Venting" to you does not change the situation, and does not appear to relieve your sister's stress either. Next time she calls to "vent," decide on how long you are willing to listen (10 minutes?) and explain that you would like to listen for ______minutes and then discuss changes to alleviate whatever she vents about. She will either get onboard with finding solutions or stop complaining longer than you are willing to listen.
2 - Your mom has problems that require help.
If she can live mostly independently, she may only need home health care in the morning and/or evening for hygiene and dressing. If you and your sister check in on her daily via phone and visits, could she manage in an inexpensive apartment that was not assisted living? Can she get by/afford more home health care aide hours and less time with your sister?
If mom needs more help than I mentioned above and she doesn't qualify for residential facility, are you willing/able to move mom in with you? It appears all your sister's complaints are that she wants out of caregiving and would rather you do it. I understand that it would require a lot of planning, moving, and contracting help near you to care for your mom.
The compromise between those 2 options is to start conversations with the facility where your mom resides. Explain that your sister needs respite -and maybe to be relieved of caregiving responsibilities - and game plan with them about how to meet your mothers needs while your sister takes time off from caregiving. If you decide on this option, you will need your sister to work with you and the facility on this plan. She will need to decide if she just needs respite - and for how long - or needs to bow out of caretaking all together.
* Your sister is burnt out upon layers of burnt out. She is taking it out on YOU.
* Your sister needs to learn to take responsibility for how she feels and, if open to a discussion, decide together how to make this easier for her, i.e., hire others.
* You cannot change your sister. She has to do that.
* You may need to accept how the relationship is now. It may change, improve, or not. You may need to learn to let go (more).
* And, if you haven't done this yet 'do' see the situation from your sister's point of view (burn out/put upon, you have it 'easy street' due to distance). Give her reaffirming compassion and understanding for how SHE FEELS. This doesn't mean you agree with her; it means you hear her and are listening and validating how she feels. If this doesn't work / if she isn't ready for this, you need to back off and take care of yourself, offering to do what you can.
Glad you are venting with us. That's what we are here for. Gena.
These problems happen more often than you think. If your sister cant accept that you live out of state and you are unwilling to relocate... well... not a lot can be done here. The best you can do is get on with your life, be supportive when you can and just move thru it. Hopefully after your Mom passes the wounds will heal. My wife went thru some of this with her siblings. She insisted on taking care of her Mother. As things worsened none of her siblings stepped up (2out of 3 live out of state) They could not or were unwilling to drop their lives and run back home to help. It is just how it goes. It is called life. Good luck
I wish she hadn’t used social media to update her friends and family about what a nice time she was having with my mom.
I wish she hadn’t sent me pictures of her and my mom laughing and having a great time.
I wish that once in a while when she called me that she would have validated the obvious; that this was very difficult for me.
In short, I developed issues I never knew I could have. Anger, resentment and a loathing for my sister. Thank God they were temporary because I couldn’t stand myself for having those feelings. It’s likely that your sister feels much the same way. When she’s tending to your mom’s needs, she’s imagining what you’re doing at the same time. You're getting up and going to work, coming home to a normal routine at night, sleeping undisturbed hours and living your own life. But your sister isn’t, she can’t. Even though you handle your mom’s finances and phone calls it’s not at all what your sister faces day in and day out.
So keep exciting news of your life to yourself for now, and even mundane news. Give her the praise she deserves. Listen to her and let her vent because she really needs to vent. Never tell her to settle down or get a grip on herself. Don’t be condescending (although I’m sure you don’t intend it that way)by offering to hire help for her, she’ll tell you when she needs it. Tell her how grateful you are that she is handling this hard situation. Tell her you admire her loyalty and dedication.
Just give it a try, I’m willing to bet it will help.
The difference between you and your sister is the varied dynamics each of you have re: control and response.
You have control of when and how you engage and can be proactive. That is an imposition, yes, but it is known to be less stressful than a constant reactive dynamic. This dynamic allows you to maintain a positive mindset. You can disconnect and enjoy your life.
Your sister has no control over 24-hour on-call, reactive care (again, known to be far more stressful, especially over time). Her dynamic can lead to depression, resentment, and a negative mindset (the brains way of protecting you so you aren't disappointed). All decisions for her life are dictated by your mom's needs.
Is there any chance that you could offer to step in for her, for a long (10 day or 2 week) vacation? You could tell her you are concerned that she is experiencing burnout, love her immeasurably, and want to give her a break for her to rest and recharge.
This immersion might give you a fresh perspective, her an overdue break, and both of you a fresh appreciation for one another.
It is a difficult situation, but surmountable.
Wishing you peace,
Heather Marriott
Crisis Coach
Nashville, TN
I was a bit dismayed by some of the responses, esp from some of the "sisters" in "similar" situations. Redirecting your own anger or relating your own situation into this one isn't really productive. I have no sisters, but my two brothers are useless and mostly non-present. However, this sister HAS been helpful excluding 2020 due to the virus, by spending 4 months doing the care needed and taking care of the paperwork and finances. I would have been ecstatic had my brothers even visited! Less flak from them would have been helpful too. So, I am also the "one" who takes care of everything, but had to learn to let the anger at them go. It was counter-productive and wouldn't change anything.
While I understand the angst some of you have, taking a few minutes to ask questions or consider suggestions rather than dumping on the OP based on your own experiences would be more productive and helpful. Some comments were fine, others were really not. It is one reason why I reached out privately to the OP.
Rather than "chime in" here, I addressed the OP via PM. Without going into all the details, in the end it turns out the big issue was that mom had an infection in her mouth, which was causing a lot of the recent issues. I had highly recommended OP post a comment, to let everyone know that things have more or less been resolved, but she hasn't done that. Perhaps she wasn't comfortable coming back to post anything - I wouldn't be surprised!
I don't feel it is my place to do that, but dealing with the run-on issue with home-care warriors and facility deniers made me think of this discussion often too, and how some were "judging" the OP. Please BBKjets, forgive me if I'm overstepping here, but this was the result of getting mom treated:
"...mom for now, has bounced back to the woman she normally is. My sister and I were able to "make up" and have a good heart to heart talk."
Hopefully all is still well with you BBKjets, and hopefully you haven't sworn off this site. Some people just get a little too wound up!
To whom it concerns: Before jumping to conclusions, perhaps try asking questions or making suggestions instead of taking your own frustrations out on this person.
Apologies to BBKjets for stepping in here. I hope you don't mind.