I am caring for my 93 year old mother in my home! Every day I say I'm going to be more patient, but everyday I find I'm short with her about something. She has a history ever since I can remember of being vey sensitive to any kind of discomfort. All discomfort is a 10 on the pain scale so it's hard to know what is really bad. Her comfort has always been of the utmost importance. She goes from whinning to acting like she's enduring her discomfort to whinning, everything hurts, no strength, have had to ease her to the floor 5 times in a week and if no one is here I have to call 911 to get her up off the floor. It makes me so frustrated.
I don't see the point in asking "if it will matter next year or in a hundred years" if it matters now. When it doesn't matter, I don't care, and pay no attention. But usually the things my dad says are his excuses for behavior that has to stop. Now.
Example: He says "I drive better than anyone on the street" when we're arguing the fact that he had his license already taken away, and he won't stop driving. Example: when he tells the doctor that he hasn't fallen, (and a dozen more inaccurate answers to medical questions.) And more subjective issues: He tells my brother that he hasn't seen me in weeks, when I stop in nearly everyday. These are all lies that can have negative consequences, now. I can't just let them go.
And even more likely to induce a major argument are all the times, he wants me to do something for him that I think is just wrong. He wants me to yell at the lawn care guys for doing a bad job, when I think they did wonderfully. Or to make the snow removal guys come a second time in the same day. (when only two flakes of snow have fallen since the last time) He wants me to force the doctor to cure something for him that is incurable. He wants me make and emergency run over to his house in the middle of the night because he got some "really important" mail earlier that day, and only just thought to call at 2:30 am.
I could go on and on, mainly because he goes on and on. He gets these issues fixed in his head and he obsesses on them, and harasses me. Sometimes for hours, for a dozen phone calls, at all hours of the day or night. And he keeps it up until I'm screaming at him to stop. Stop it, stop it, stop it !!! Leave me the f#&k alone!!!
Then he pauses, for a bit, and puts on his poor, old pitiful-me face. And I feel guilty, for yelling at this little old man. He says, I'm sorry I got you mad, but....then he starts in on me all over again. And never, ever, ever stops.
Patience. After all these years, even contemplating that word makes me angry.
And of course they're on your side -- they're actually parts of you. Our bodies are miraculously complex with many parts that are all working together to try to live and be healthy, and it would be downright unfair to think that any part of our body was "bad." In the same way, each thing going on in your emotions is trying to accomplish something for the whole of you. Don't take it at face value -- be willing to get to know it and understand what it's trying to do.
Burnout, get money to get out of the house. Hire Help Now! Medicaid has a program called PACE, they will come into your home and take care of your mom. Fix meals, do light house work,bathing, give meds, fix dinner then come back and tuck her in, plus build ramps and other. I attend Va.Coalition of Caregivers a government sponsored coalition, my info is usually pretty right on. The reason I say this is it's hard to believe that there's a program out there like that. Yet some PACE programs are not as well set up as others. Get the care evaluation for services,get help, its there even if you think not.Write or call if you need info. Be proactive
It may not help at this moment, but I assure you it won't hurt.
I also have a bracelet that I have made out of what I call prayer beads. When I have the same issues, I focus on the bracelet & go bead by bead & say a prayer.
What ever will get you through the day....Blessings are you...Be good to you....Me?? I play the guitar a lot too. Whatever works....
Check out some equipment online to see if might help you care for mom:
1. get a hospital bed, 2. check out transfer benches (some have a small disc with slide the patient from bed to wheelchair) 3. bedside commode with a drop down arm to assist with moves from the bed to the commode and back to bed
4.wheelchair with a drop down arm to transfer mom from a chair or bed 5. a patient lift (portable and/or permanent ) can be a godsend. It will save your back and keep her safe if she loses the ability to stand or walk in the walker.
If she is using the walker (but losing the ability from time to time to walk in it), have the wheel chair or the transportation chair immediately behind her so you can get her seated before she loses steam and starts to fall. This might stop you from holding her and lowering her to the floor--your could probably reach forward and settle her in the wheelchair.
I would try to get more of her care centered in the house as moving her to the various doctors at this point is difficult for her and you (especially in winter weather). I cared for my 93 yr old father, and we needed medical transportation by age 93 to go to any medical appointment.
Your mother's pain may or may not be real but yours will be real enough if you injure yourself.
I was ALWAYS correcting things my Dad [92] was saying as he usually had the story wrong.... then in the past month I realized it was just easier to agree with him because what difference does it make if he said he slipped on ice and broke his nose, when in fact it was in April and he miss-stepped going into the garage.
I also need to learn to have more patience with my Mom [96] because she is so hard of hearing.... I just hate repeating things over and over hoping she will catch at least one word, to trying to rephrase a sentence with other words. I just can't imagine what she is going through.
The other day Mom and I had a tense discussion over shredded cheese because the manufacturer now has a brand new packaging, so my Mom no longer likes the cheese but in reality it's the same identical cheese. We went round and round with that one. I should have just agreed with her, and ask her what other brand of cheese would she want me to buy.
jeanne also knows what shes talking about . shes been thru it all , caring for her husband till his last breath ..
Besides, one day, not so long ago, I lost it, I threw her meal tray across the kitchen. I've never been a thrower, that day I realized I must have looked like a crazy woman, out of control, and my Mom oblivious to why. Somehow that realization just gave me a bit of a different perspective, it wasn't me, it was a stranger that I didn't like. It helped me to stop and find myself again, I hope I never see that stranger again.
Patience is a pretty hard characteristic to develop. It is worth striving for, but it doesn't seem to drop into our lives on cue.
If getting short with Mom changed her behavior, I'd say, hey, go for it. You are showing some displeasure and perhaps, to please you, she might tough it out a little better. But you've tried that and and it doesn't seem to work. In fact, she has been this way ever since you can remember. It seems highly unlikely she will change now.
So, being short with her, or being patient, or not saying a word, or leaving the room etc. is not going to make a difference. She is still going to rate every discomfort a 10. What will make YOU feel best? Apparently you don't like how being short with her makes you feel. That is reason enough to try to refrain from that behavior. Mother doesn't necessarily "deserve" your patience, but you deserve to feel good about yourself. Try to do it for you.
(And don't be too hard on yourself if you aren't perfectly patient all the time. No one is perfect.)
I've learned lately that sometimes the pains are made up. My mother's left foot has a sore place on the heel. It hurts her really bad to walk. Last night the sore place migrated to her right foot. I thought maybe I just remembered wrong which foot it was. But tonight it was back on her left foot. I didn't say anything, though I did think it funny. I don't know what gratification comes from talking about small pains. In my mother's case, she will even make them up to talk about them.
Did you have to ease her to the floor because she was about to fall? It sounds like she needs to use one of the rollators (rolling walkers) with a seat so she can stop to rest if she gets too tired or weak.