Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent. I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago, Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive. My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters. Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing, she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days. Few years later, Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away). By the time Dad passed 10 years ago, Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone. She was physically capable of being home alone (wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork. She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME. So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone. We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone. She is a master of guilt and manipulation. After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc. Now she needed to make a decision, which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us. She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home. She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers. She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine. She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed. Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother. If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen. She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it. What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need. She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring. She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her. Ironically, with her own daughters, she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention. So when Dad died, she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminish her role as the grieving widow. In fact, she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her. So, here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough. We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden Girls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries. Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored. There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes, does volunteer work, creates her new phase. BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me. DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely). She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times. She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend. Because she hates being alone, she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time. DH has been phenomenal all these years, but is wanting to travel, for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss, think, pray first.
Since your mother says she'd rather she had died from cancer than to be living with you, would she really mind so much leaving? Could she go back to the kind of flat she lived in before and misses so much? Is she able to live independently?
I think you need to bring in someone from social services to help you explore options for making your lives better.
I was surprised at your last sentence. I'm glad you at least had a lovely mum in your childhood. Apparently something happened to change your mother. A stroke, maybe, or a blow to the head, or somehow a cruel mental illness has drastically changed her behavior. I feel very sorry for the poor woman. But making your lives miserable is not doing her any good, so I see no reason to sacrifice yourselves.
Please call in some professional help, and let us know how this is going for you.
Here we go don’t know how to break it down all the events that have happened, but will try it will be boring. My name is Ann 53 only Child married to my husband Del for 15 years no children, when got married Del thought it was a good idea if my parents Gwen and Syd who were 70 at the time came and lived with us and move from a flat in London to a cottage in the country .We all paid 6 thousand pounds each and had extension put on the cottage.
My Dad was an easy going man, a nice man, and a lovely dad wasn’t very well at the time, but the country side did him good and he got better, potting round the garden, going down to the local, fishing, making new friends, playing with my little dogs, he love a bit of house work he liked to busy, it was like the house he never had everything for him was perfect.
My Mother on the other hand let’s says she was the opposite of Dad and she hated everything I can’t list all her objection it would take too long to write down. My Dad use to tell her they were much better off here and that they never had it so good much better off than they had ever been just paying £100 week and stop moaning and try and look on the bright side .
Well three years ago we lost my dad and my mother got cancer of the bowel and I left my job to look after her she over the cancer now she wished that the cancer killed her as it would have been better then living with me, it’s been a nightmare she 85 now strong willed very opinionated it’s like living with a stroppy teenager, she tales tails, blackmails me, phones my dad’s family and moans on how bad we treat her they know what she’s like they don’t like her much ether, Her own mother was not keen on her and her sister hated her.
she doesn’t like my cooking it’s too hot, to cold, over done, under done, foreign muck .Del won’t take her out for a meal anymore because she makes a loud fuss of complaining to staff in the restaurant ,that their food is rubbish.
Took her on holiday to Thailand for two week she had silly disagreement with dell about butter being left out the table, and would not live her room for two weeks what a fun time we had. So we never go anywhere or do anything where just her prisoners.
She just wants everything her way; I have to agree with everything she says. She is domineering monster she hits me and screams at me and sometimes I have lost it and grabbed her by the writs to shut her up so said she would phone social services and have me arrested , its terrible thing to say hate her, she made my life a misery with her moaning on and on all day and night .I dread every day I have to spend with her, at least Del goes to work and has 9 hours of sanity time, Del and I don’t know what to do we can’t throw her out, sometimes we feel like killing our self just to get away from her because she is really getting us down. I know we really need some help here but from whom, people would not believe us what life is like, and we both sound like a right pair of loonies. When I was a child she was a lovely Mum and couldn’t bear to be away from her because a loved her so much.
We realize that Mom is not happy unless she has the attention of one of her kids or grandkids.So we're learning to get immune to the sighs, droopy voice, subtle guilt trips.Just recently,she's begun declining social invites that do include her,such as a SuperBowl party.It's still a guilt trip because her attitude isn't an upbeat "you guys go and have fun- I'll be fine" but a resigned "I'll just stay home".Interestingly as none of my friends have cared for aging parents,I'm getting static from people about her absence at gatherings.When my BIL was moved to hospice,I flew out alone to help my sister and her kids.I didn't take Mom with me as she is not good in a crisis and I needed to be caring for Sis and her children.Had Mom been at hospice with us, every relative and friend would've heard about every moment,every interaction during this private,sacred time.So we would've all been hiding emotions,self-editing ourselves.I was surprised when a longtime friend took me to task for not taking Mom, as "she needs to be there,to be a part of things.It'll be hard for her to be here when she wants to be there for your sister.I don't mean to tell you what to do,but you need to take her with you."She then proceeded to tell me how I needed to think about how hard it is for Mom not to have control over her life,to have to live with her kids.Tried 4 times to explain that Mom had exercised absolute control over her life by gradually moving in with us, that she CHOSE to live with her kids when she was perfectly able to live alone.Needless to say,I'm limiting contact this person,as I don't need her negativity.On the plus side,I'm going to try a weekly knitting group as an outlet for me.I've been getting massages to de-kink the muscles and de-stress.I set up a still life in the dining room so I can draw in the small bits of free time. Still trying to find a doctor for her-so many docs aren't taking new patients,esp Medicare.The "elephant in the room"(you know, something ever present but not discussed)is that it appears time is here for a transition and there's no nice or easy way to say "Mom,this isn't working and you need to live on your own." Talk about major guilt ......