Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent. I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago, Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive. My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters. Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing, she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days. Few years later, Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away). By the time Dad passed 10 years ago, Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone. She was physically capable of being home alone (wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork. She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME. So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone. We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone. She is a master of guilt and manipulation. After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc. Now she needed to make a decision, which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us. She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home. She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers. She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine. She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed. Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother. If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen. She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it. What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need. She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring. She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her. Ironically, with her own daughters, she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention. So when Dad died, she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminish her role as the grieving widow. In fact, she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her. So, here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough. We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden Girls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries. Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored. There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes, does volunteer work, creates her new phase. BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me. DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely). She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times. She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend. Because she hates being alone, she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time. DH has been phenomenal all these years, but is wanting to travel, for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss, think, pray first.
It's gotten better, but now we have to have this argument every 6 to 8 months about alcohol in the home. My mom is basically an alcoholic and agreed twice already not to drink in the home. After half a year or so of being fine, she starts to buy those four-pack bottles of wine to have at home on nights we're out for dinner. It is awful to have to have the same fight every time. She gets angry with me and becomes sullen. She starts ignoring me in my own home and makes it generally uncomfortable for any of us in the house. (She only talks to my husband and our daughter. She goes out of her way to treat me badly.)
I am so angry again. I am sick of paying for her cell phone (unlimited minutes because she REFUSED to honor the time limitations so as to save us money) and everything else. She buys some of her own groceries, but for the most part sits at the table with us and eats whatever we make because she's decided she won't be cooking any longer, other than simple things for herself.
Anyway, I'm pregnant again and am due in June. I am so bummed out that I have to have such an unpleasant presence in the home. I feel so frustrated!!! I feel trapped. She has a very fixed income ($800 for social security) and can't live on her own. Ugh.
This is just to point out that our social safety nets are not so bad that old people with limited income have to live on the street. Your mother CAN live somewhere else, and it can be perfectly adequate. She can get the kind of help she needs. For example, when my mom couldn't safely cook she got meals on wheels.
I suggest you go back to the counselor who helped you before, and also that you give up the notion that there are no other options for your mother.
Two years later, she suffered a couple of TIA's and was in the hospital. While she was there, we learned she had other previously unknown health issues, including CHF. A team of docs and therapists (OT,PT) determined she needed a higher level of care and she was moved to a skilled nursing facility for rehab, then long term care. She's been there 18 months.
She's now in a wheelchair, her vision is diminished, they take good care of her and keep the CHF under control. She's mightily unhappy, part because of aging body, part because she hates the place, part because she can't just do what she's always done and part because she thinks all will be fine if she were in her hometown. For a myriad of reasons (family dynamics, sister's health, weather considerations, etc.), she's in my city. My sister did so much for our folks (Dad had AD), that it was my turn so she could get healthy, emotionally as much as physically.
There was some serious help from above, in that each transition for her coincided with one for us. While she was in AL, my sister and I were able to get our strength back for our next phases. Hers was dealing with health and job stress, mine was my husband's PD diagnosis and the life changes there. In fact, her transition to NH came one month after his PD diagnosis. Because she is cared for and safe, I am able to focus on him. As my MIL's health declined, I've been able to give the inlaws backup.
Sounds like she needs to be evaluated for dementia.
My mother was the same way, but she had mental illness before dementia.
It will help if you're all a united front about mom. If it's not safe for her to live alone, then she has to go where she will be safe - the end. That does not have to be anybody's home. She could go into a senior residence. You all have rights and some boundaries are in order here.
She will be mad most likely. There are a lot worse things than mad. Having her in an unsafe situation is a lot worse than her being ticked off. Part of brain degeneration is the loss of emotional controls and filters, so they will start acting like petulant little children having a tantrum. You have to look beyond that behavior and see what's really going on there.
Some will use these techniques as an avoidant behavior. Being mean usually works to keep people away. The logic is child-like. If I can avoid talking or dealing with this scary complicated thing, then it's not happening.
If mom is no longer able to keep herself clean, cook safely, prepare & handle food safely, take her medicine correctly, and is not really in touch with reality, then she can't stay home alone anymore. But again - none of you adult children with established lives do not need to move in to fill in the gaps. I can promise you that would be a disaster.
Who are you caring for? Do they love dogs, too? What if they didn't? Or had allergies? Would you give up your dogs for them?
Just curious.
Must feel good to know what is right for all of humanity.
Oh and for the record my parents took in my grandfather for a time until his passing and I have to believe that he was far happier as a result.
I'm sure there are folks out there who enkoy caring for their elders. I think most of on here either have elders who have dementia or mental illnesses or medical problems that are beyond our capacity to manage. I respect all these folks and the choices they make, in the same way that i support parents who choose to send their kids to day care and public school, as well as those who stay at home with their kids and home school them. I think practising tolerance goes a long way toward making this a better world.
I do have a REAL family - my sister and I stepped up to help our parents when our dad was diagnosed with AD nearly three decades ago. We continued to help and also give them the best quality of life we were able to.
We have not "thrown" her out - we got past the point where we could care for her increasing needs, our spouses' increasing needs and our own health was suffering. This is not a case of "you could do it if you wanted to" - I know that I cannot help my husband care for his parents, help him with his own health issues and still personally care for my mom's care needs.
As for the kids, I hope the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Because the kids have seen their aunt and I plugging away, despite this constant tug of war with our mom. They've seen us care for their grandparents with love and humor.
Oh and for the record, my mom didn't provide care for any of her parents, or my dad's.
I think I am just a little more sensitive about all this now that really think about it.
And now that my grandmother passed who's income was helping her keep her home. She suddenly threw away her plans to get herself an apartment that I thought was the official plan and called to ask me if she can move in with me... I hesitated... then said yes.. who can tell their mother no!
As soon as I said yes I felt all my stress and anxiety that took me over 20 years to finally ease hit me full force and then some! I've been on my own since the age of 17... not to Rebel but bc my mother is the most negative and miserable,depressed spirit draining, manipulative..... woman I know... very weak and unable to get over her and my father's divorce from 7 years ago.. yes I understand it's hard sometimes but her entire life revolves around him and his current situation. He's moved on with other children and she hates that I don't hate him as she does.. she speaks of him daily and blames him for her current situation. If I don't bend my brows she gets upset and thinks I'm heartless for not allowing her situation to bother me as much... she finds satisfaction is me and others being depressed. It's a serious matter. She is very weak. And exposes her as well as her grandchildren to the most negative! She does nothing to shelter us from pain..instead would rather us feel is full strength... I love my mother...but I do not like her...my sister keeps her distance bc she doesn't want to expose her own children to the negative lifestyle and I FINALLY jumped on board a few weeks ago.. and a week later.... she hits me with this! I can't sleep...or eat. I'm actually really stressed out about this. I'm tense and I don't talk to anyone so it's building tension. I've change mine and my children's lifestyle habits...less sugar. More veggies. Less meat... and she is spending the weekend with us now and brought literally 4 bags of sugar worms... hot dogs.. bacon.. smoking around them... and criticizing me for being strict about our POSITIVE changes!!! I'm so sickened and idk what to do... she's not easy to talk too. And it's not as simple as telling her how I feel. Trust me..if I do I will be the worst person. She will make me feel so guilty and I am already very soft and unconfrontational. It's just not in me..I suffer alot bc if this...
I'm screaming inside!!! If and when this happens I will surely fall right back into a pit of depression.. I'm a very private person and she is the type to speak every word of her personal business to ppl who don't care. And have ppl speaking about us. I don't speak to any of my neighbour's bc of how quiet I am and I've lived here for 4 years! She will have the neighbourhood walking in and out...I do not date bc my children are young and I do not want random men around my kids. I don't trust easily.. and she's into dating to get her mind away from the divorce and I know there will be big issues if she even speaks of bringing any strangers in my home where my children are...
.somebody please help me.
I'm begging. This will alter my life for the absolute worst! :(
Easy? No. Necessary for your mentsl health? Yes. Essential for the health and safety of your children? H3ll yes!!!
I think she believes she is helping me as a spouse would.... But nobody wants their mother to take on the role that a spouse would. I don't ask her advice, I'm very capable of living my own life, maintaining my home, and raising my children.