New monkey wrench in handling safety issues.
We've had a safety frame with elevated seat in my parents' bathroom since I've been here -- almost 7 years. Today Mom took the frame off the toilet and said she doesn't need it. She said it was what was making it harder to go. I told her it helped her get up and down safely. She said without it, she would be able to make her legs stronger. She said they are getting so weak now she can barely stand. I told her it is why the safety frame helps and she flew into a rage that she was NOT going to have the safety frame on the toilet anymore.
I left her alone a minute, then told her what was most likely going to happen if she didn't have the frame on the toilet. I told her that ultimately she was likely to fall and may end up in the hospital. She said she didn't care, and she was not going to put it back on the toilet.
So here we are with her being determined about something that I will worry about. She can't walk without her rollator because her balance is so poor. I see nothing good coming of this. I wish she was easier to care for. It seems like she is constantly coming up with ideas to make things harder.
35 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Can you get help putting in a ramp or shower for aging seniors?
- Where to find help for an elderly man who needs his roof repaired?
- Who can I contact for assistance getting a chair lift or shower downstairs installed and paid for in NC?
- Who can help with grab bars and opening doorway to bathroom for hospice client?
Actually, I just thought about both the win's being for her. She was able to keep control and she is able to keep safe because of her decision.
It was important to her that we appear normal to the outside world, even though my father had what is now called Asperger's. To everyone on the outside she was sweet and meek. She still is.
My mother's earliest methods of appearing normal was to deny reality or blame it on others. If I mention that Dad is not like the other fathers, she would say that he was normal and that my thinking was off. If I mentioned her anxiety and anger, it had never happened. I imagined it. I later learned this is called gaslighting. She always had bluebirds and butterflies fluttering about her. And I think she believed it herself and still does.
My mother is of the old school where men are far above women. She is still very sweet to my brothers when they come. I get the brunt of things. It isn't because I am the one that will keep loving her despite what she does. It is because no one else will have anything to do with the situation. I don't blame them, because one is far away and the other has job, family, and health problems.
I work with it the best I can. Yesterday she had instructed me not to water the plants anymore because the yard was a mud hole. This is a delusion. I've been trying hard to keep her new plants alive all summer in this heat wave. (That is another crazy story about the plants.) There is $600 of plants that need to be protected. I didn't want to confront her, so I sneaked out of the house this morning and watered them. What she doesn't know won't hurt.
Certainly, some kinds of dementia lead to disordered thinking. My mom, who has vascular dementia from a stroke, is convinced that when she sees a man in a suit, the NH is being sold. If she hears CNAs talking outside her room, she thinks that there's a strike brewing. So the mis-attribution thing may be common in dementia. I guess since you're the only one around, in her mind, you must be the causative agent of all evils.
It must be MADDENING!!!!!!! And yes, it is CRAZY. ((((((((hugs))))))))
Babalou, your ex sounds like a real jewel. I can see why he became a "first husband."
babalou - re the blame game. It certainly helps when you realise that you are the object of it, but not responsible for it.
And the recommendations to raise the legs/feet up on a stool while sitting to get the more correct squat position?
Well, I am sure not going to reference it here, you all can look it up-maybe it was an article here on the forum, but I am so afraid to be wrong on this one. It is a sensitive subject, and would not want to get Jessebelle more trouble from her Mom if the advice were not credible. I do follow Dr. Leslie Kernistan, M.D., a frequent contributor on AC forum and a geriatric specialist. Maybe I read it there.
Is squatting even safe for the elderly?
She didn't mention the frame again today. I imagine she is hoisting herself up and down using the sink that is next to the toilet. It is okay as long as the force doesn't hurt the connections.
Life is getting so crazy. It is still so hot here in Birmingham -- 97 today. The area is scorching and I've done my best this summer to keep the plants from dying since we've also been in drought. She went outside today and told me the plants were dying because I scalded them. Huh? Don't ask me what that meant. It didn't bother me, since I realized she was speaking from a land far, far away.
I'm not going to try any other frames or anything, because the orphan child out back is the best solution. I can't go back and forth to the bathroom with her, because she uses the bathroom a lot. That would require my whole life. I try to do things with less work than more, since I'm already tied up most of the day with caregiving tasks. I don't complain, though, since when I do I'm told that I don't do anything. :-O
Just another day in the House of Crazy.
Can you clean it up really nice, tell her that you were getting used to it, can you have it in your bathroom? Etc. etc. using reverse psychology?
Love your little monkey wrench!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ H U G S for today ! }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Let us know how this comes about.....
As to your point that someone would ask why the situation is such that she fell, well, unfortunately people who aren't caregivers don't understand what we deal with and specifically the fact that our elders don't always listen to our advice.
I'm still trying to think of a smart retort to these people. Maybe I should suggest they spend a day doing caregiving and then re-assess the situation.
You can only do so much. From your posts, I know that your mother is quite insistent on having her way, and at some point there's just nothing more you can do.....says the daughter who still frets and worries when her father goes for a walk w/o his oxygen.
No suggestions about the furor it will cause but she won't be able to remove it.
You actually sit on the regular toilet seat but have arms.
Don't ask me where to get one because you probably don't frequent the same rummage sales as I do. It is better than putting a commode sans bucket over the seat although that works too and is higher but there is gap and explosive diarrhea splatters everywhere. Don't like that though because I have to clean up my own messes. I"ll have a look and see if I can find one in a catalog.
This is craziness, I know. I bought the frame for her after my father died because the old one was really stinky. Urine had gotten into the seat. She told me that this one was bought by her for my father and that she didn't need it. So I was the good daughter and set it back out of her way, suspecting she would ask for it back. I hoped a little reverse psychology might help. Often she fights me and will take the opposite stance of anything I try to do. If she were a child I would call it oppositional defiant disorder. So I'm working with it and hoping she makes a good choice in order to spite me. Yes, this is just nuts. This is certainly not how I planned to spend my retirement.
She might rage, but I think that might be easier to deal with than a fractured hip or worse. But, you know what you can deal with. I wouldn't count on a fall or two teaching her lesson. It sounds like that is not likely to happen.
If she falls and has to go to surgery and rehab, would that mean she would in a facility indefinitely?
Poor safety frame. It didn't do anything wrong, but it is getting blamed. :)
I think the main thing she has against the frame is she can't get a good grip on the seat with her bottom. She's used a frame for over 7 years, but decided today that it was the cause of her constipation. We'll just have to see how this goes. She's 90 years old. I want to tell her there is no cure for old age, but I don't think she grasps that she isn't going to be 40 again. You're right, ff. Getting up off the toilet seat isn't going to help strengthen her legs, but she thinks it will. Ah, well. There's no reasoning with dementia overlaid on a difficult personality.
Heading to the grocery store. We were doing mid-afternoon blood sugar test starting yesterday, but I had her doctor change that. Really the doctor had meant to test her sugar at lunchtime. That's a good thing. I didn't want to be stuck here all afternoon to test her sugar.