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I have gone low contact with my father but his new gastro doctor think he needs a colonoscopy
I refuse to take him in my car, looked into transports
long story short he called today and said he can't control his bowels at this point idk why he called me. I told him he should have had a gastro doctor 2 years ago
emergency rooms clean him out and send him home
I wasn't kind I told him you wouldn't let me help he says you are all I have sorry to bother both of you
said you aren't bothering you dont listen to me
he will probably pass away

You don't see it? Have you read the posts? I have. Those who aren't familiar with her situation and pattern can see the full context.
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Geaton, I feel like Mary is just giving us an update. I don't see her running back to him to resolve his problems. But he did contact her, which she found upsetting, and perhaps sharing it here is cathartic for her.

I'm not going to judge - I'm sure it takes a while to let go of the guilt and the pressure which victims have been groomed over a lifetime to respond to.

Kind of unrelated, but I have a daughter-in-law who had a similar relationship with her mother. Unfortunately, it resulted in a total blow up of her marriage to my son, her relationship with her mother, and now my 3 grandchildren are being raised by the mother-in-law, the other grandmother, who forced the children's parents out of their lives. I try to keep a non-contentious relationship with the other grandmother, so I am involved in my grandchildren's lives. She uses me for "help" with taking care of them. I am happy to do so. But, I talk with my daughter-in-law, and recognize the pain she has suffered from this relationship with her mother. It took a long time for her to recognize that her mother was abusing her emotionally. My son tried pointing it out several times. That just got him eliminated as the bad guy. It's so sad to me.
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Mary543,

This is your 17th post on this issue. You can't seem to stay away from your Father or this forum. The same advice is given to you over and over. Then you get upset when it is pointed out to you, but you come back with all the same problems and complaints. This is a pointless waste of time for all involved.

You're in this soup not because of lack of good advice but because it appears you're not reading any of it .

Nonetheless, I will give my advice to you yet again because I think it's the only advice that will help you: Please see a therapist. If you're already seeing a therapist, please continue seeing them and take their advice. Or, consider that you have an inept therapist. or you are not really interested in getting better because bad attention is better than no attention at all.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/damn-here-again-497965.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-update-497733.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-again-497401.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/update-he-fell-and-it-was-bad-496945.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/advice-possibly-triggering-496808.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-if-anything-should-i-do-496538.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-already-fell-twice-what-do-we-do-next-494238.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/managing-the-relationship-with-my-unhelpful-sister-494221.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/going-no-contact-494220.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/well-he-is-in-the-hospital-494082.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-posted-before-but-494066.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-am-distancing-but-it-feels-weird-494038.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/venting-493579.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/should-i-be-donewalk-away-493513.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-i-want-to-go-no-contact-492963.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/last-straw-i-hope-they-respected-his-request-494499.htm
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Jwellsy, preaching bible quotes and interpreting them incorrectly does not help this OP in any way. Do you even know her story?
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@jewellsy

"Honor they father and mother". As a Jew (and God did after all speak the Ten Commandments to a Jew. His name was Moses), I will tell you what a rabbi told me this means.

It means that you live a righteous life in a way that honors the name your parents gave you. That you do many mitzvahs (good deeds and charity) that honors your house.

It does not mean become a slave to your parents or allow them to manipulate and behave abusively to you because they are your parents. It does not mean this.
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If he is sorry to bother you, but he needs someone to talk to, or he needs help in his life, you could recommend that he contact a home care service.
There are service providers who can meet his needs, whether it's a ride to medical appointments, housecleaners, meal preparation, and even personal cares, such as managing bowel incontinence.
If he does not take your suggestion, that is his choice.
I'm glad you are sticking to the boundaries you have set for yourself.
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Jwellsy, that "Honor your parents" only goes so far. Abused children should stay away from the people who abused them. Someone said here that Honor means that you have become the best person you can be.

If you have followed Mary, she has tried and was told to leave him alone. She still tried and was told to leave him alone, so she finally got the strength to say no more will she try. He only wants her involved with his life when its convenient for him.

She has no POA so is limited in what she can do. The best thing would be is the State take over his care.
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How old is Dad? At some point a colonoscopy can perforate the lining and cause infection that can kill him. Tell him to call 911 and let tge hospital take care of him. You can call and give ER his doctors name and tell them he has recommended a colonoscopy. Don't leave your number. Call his doctor and tell him Dad is in the hospital. Thats all you need to do.

I believe that what goes around, comes around. This is Dads come around. His treatment to you is coming back on him. You have tried and got told he did not need you. A person can only take so much.
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I’m going to expand on my answer .
Mary, you have been suffering with mental health problems of your own over this situation. You are not in the position to take this on . Dad will have to rely on 911, and the social workers deal with him at the hospital . Like we have advised you in the past , do not answer the phone or go up to the hospital . Any involvement on your part will decrease the amount of help he gets from social services . Since you are not POA, and your parents did not want you to be , leave Dad to address his problems with doctors , hospital , social workers etc, You know that any involvement will not go well for you. Dad does not ever do anything to make it easy to help him .
Whatever happens will not be your fault . Dad made his bed a long time ago.
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Tell Dad to call 911.
Given the history you don’t have to get involved .
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 Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
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I also told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and I can't take this anymore

he said sorry to bother you and your husband, like we owe him something yes?

and all we do or don't do is all about him
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