I'm mad at family members for not helping.

I feel for you, also. My family has a similar situation with my 80+ year old mom with dementia, partial blindness, and hearing loss.

Some of the things we experienced: all siblings need to be part of the decision-making. When my mom lived with one sibling, it was tough to be called to task for not helping more when the majority of us felt mom’s condition required more time and skill than any of us could provide, but that one sibling did not want mom in a facility.  

The other problem was my sibling never asked for help other than a weekend break every three weeks, which my family provided. As my sibling and her husband began to suffer from caregiver burn-out, we’d ask how we could help more (because we were accused of not providing the type of help needed or when it was needed).  We were told “we  shouldn’t have to be told!” It was hard for everyone, and relationships have been fractured. Mom now lives with me. I still feel mom belongs in a skilled nursing facility, but I promised my sibling I’d give this a try. I’ve asked for specific help from all siblings, and they’ve done what they can. This is tough. There are no easy answers because each family and situation is different, and finances play a huge role. Communication is key. Knowing your limits is also important. Best of luck to you. xoxo

Often we have to learn how to deal with feelings once they arise. We do not necessarily have these skills until we need them re dealing with anger / frustration / disappointment. Even if we know how to deal with these, different situations bring up different emotional feelings requiring us to find appropriate useful responses. I can only re-affirm many of the valuable supportive messages here.
(1) Take care of yourself
(2) Get out anger in positive ways - that do not backfire on you. i.e., exercise, meditate, get the energy out in healthy ways. Overeating, drinking = numbing out and staying stuck in the anger will only hurt/affect you (and your mom).
(3) Learning how to effectively deal/heal yourself will serve you for the rest of your life.
(4) Consider NVC (non-violent communication) aka Compassionate Communication techniques. It is worth looking at this model of communications. Takes out the judgment and focuses on how to connect with an/other vs adding fuel to the already burning fire.
And, I know that 'life isn't fair' likely doesn't make you feel better.
If we want to find inner-and outer- peace of mind - and function in healthy ways, we need to deal with 'what is' and do what we can and let the rest go. Being in a state of anger will only hurt and deplete you/r energy. Gena

In nearly every family, the "burden" of caring for an elderly parent almost always falls on one of the adult children. The other children just cannot be bothered - or else they cannot emotionally "deal" with it.

As a case in point, I had a former student (I teach college) who was helping care for her elderly aunt. That aunt was one of TWENTY siblings (yes, 20) - and none of them would lift a finger to assist her, even though they were capable of it. So, the niece was the only one helping.

Ever consider asking, point blank, to your siblings why they are refusing to help care for their own elderly parent? (Sometimes a little guilt trip works wonders.)

I have two siblings. One doesn't do anything at all. When I say that, I mean no phone calls, no card, no visit of any type. The other lives several states away, and visits once every two or three years; when he visits, its for a week or two and he does quite a bit to help. But basically, it has just been me to support mom and dad since 2014. Dad passed in 2017. Mom has significantly declined and entered a nursing home this year. There are times I feel incredibly tired and overwhelmed. But basically, I'm it. I think the main thing I've learned is that I can't count on family.....at all. So what that does, is it encourages me to look to community for assistance. Find out what programs are available to help. These can come from county, town, church or social groups. Mom received help under frail elder waiver for example. Her town has a van that could take mom to see dad when he was in a nursing home. The town has a lovely volunteer that will come to the shut-ins house and put a chicken in the oven and while it is cooking, have tea with the shut-in providing much needed socialization. The local baptist church has a "cafe" for seniors the third Saturday of each month with entertainment or a theme. You get the idea. If you see a need, drop the hint to various organizations. Someone might pick up the ball and run with it. Hang in there and assess what your limits are. Talk to a elder services social worker or ombudsman to determine what your loved one is eligible for and know your own limits. And when it and if it becomes too much, don't feel bad.

Great topic. I've learned much from this thread. I've had a lot of anger towards one sibling for a couple of weeks now. It isn't worth it.

well you can tell them that this parent took care of you & NOW YOU DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THEM TELL THEM YOU NEED HELP LET IT OUT GIVE IT TO THEM TELL THEM OFF IF YOU WANT ..IF IT IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE so good luck

I finally figured out I was the "family fixer". When something went wrong I was the one that got the distinction of fixing it especially my 94 yr old mothers care. I had to be diagnosed with high blood pressure and a couple of trips to the hospital before I finally put my foot down to save myself. Once I announced that I was not going to fix everyone's problems to take care of my health they actually disappeared. It is so peaceful. I care for my 94 yr old alone, as usual, but letting go of all the injected stress from my sister that just wants her inheritance. Once I let go of my expectations of others it became so much better. I have to admit it was this website that helped me see what I was doing to myself. Hope you can find your peace!

After caring for my aging parents 5 years now, all on my own, I just say you quickly find out who your real friends are. It hurts, it sucks, but that’s the way it is. And I leave it there and do my best to brush it off my back. I refuse to let anger—no matter how well justified—to add one more bit of stress to my life.

I feel what you're feeling right now too. I'm the oldest, 52, of 3 sons. My 2 younger brothers are 49 and 48. It's a mess...Really! The youngest hasn't been down or called in 32 years; though he sends flowers on her birthday, Mothers Day and Easter. He takes care of my Dad who is in a nursing home. His bills have been paid upfront for 15 years, a lucky and forgotten investment he made 25 years ago paid off; so all my brother does is sign a paper every now and then and sees him once in a while which is Only 10 min away from Mom...at home. My middle brother is a case All by himself. Going thru alc rehab for the 3rd time and is back here for the 5th. He had the same reason for breakup as before "I dunno". He just can't seem to finish anything he starts, like washing the kitchen/bathroom walls for Mom all at once. I've done it 3X after he started, found another woman to date/move in with and then after about a year; back here. He just can't seem to deal with staying home...period...on top of spending time with Mom. Basically that's all I or anyone needs to do. She wants company and feels alone and helpless since she isn't allowed to drive anymore, by her Drs. She cleans, does laundry and nukes something when she wants to but more than not, her back bothers her to the point of not cooking because of the pain. I do cook for her. I usually make 2 different dinners, one on Tues and one on Wed for lunch and dinner for the next week. I drive for work 10pm-10am 5-6 nights a week and spend the rest of the time with Mom keeping her company and doing what she can't. There were days on end where I went to work with No sleep but finally; after exhausting 5 home care services and 84 possible employees, the very last one is able to cover the Fri-Sat-Sun 2pm-6pm that I need so I can sleep. My middle brother is there with the nurse so Mom will get used to her when he is done with rehab. Once he gets done, he's going to be out-of-state for work for 3-4 months (union pipe fitter). Now, all that I'll have to deal with is the nurse, who my brother informed me of last night, has a thing for me! As you can see, each one of us here has different time requirements, family/work situations, experiences; and in my case; an admiring caregiver who is not my type at all. There is nothing about this disease that is easy OR typical. All we can do is try to support each other, somehow, and try to give the best advice we can thru our own personal experiences. Just as a side note, I ran across something on YouTube - Binaural Beats. The last few days I left it play on my PC (right click and select LOOP so it will play nonstop), after sampling 9 of the hundreds of different ones, and last night was the First night in months I felt I got restorative sleep in just 4 hours time. I also drempt for the first time in over a year. I've started to read on of my sci-fi novels to try to relax 30 min before bed with the music on and after 3 days, it seems to be working. I know this won't help the daily struggle but if it helps you sleep better, you'll have more energy and; as it seems with me; just a little more patience throughout the day. Good luck and I pray God helps all of our L.O. & Us who are going thru this.

Dear One, There is nothing I can add to this conversation, but I want to thank all of the wise, wonderful people posting here for being so honest. We so often think we are the only ones experiencing, thinking or feeling the way we do and look at all the connectedness and excellent advice. You all have helped me today, too. Much love.

In response to Violet, I've been on both sides. One sister and I looked after Mom and Dad. Brother MIA. Other sister refusing to even give Mom a ride to NH to see Dad when sister worked one block from Mom's house and drove past NH on her way home. Go figure. Yeah, I was mad; but, guess what? Didn't change a thing. The sister that helped and I took care of it.

Now, FIL is disabled with a Parkinson's diagnosis. 2 sons. My husband spent several months--When they thought FIL was going to die any day--staying with him 12 hours or more overnight, trying to calm him so MIL could get some sleep, changing and cleaning him, etc. Other son did the day shift.
Dad really needed more professional care than his family could provide, but he never wanted to go to a NH -- NO MATTER WHAT!!! Mom and Other son wanted to honor that.
My husband advocated for NH. He finally explained to his brother why he really didn't care as much about what Dad wanted. His brother evidently didn't realize things like: Dad went to every one of brother's basketball games, only one of my husband's. Dad bought Bros first car, none for my husband. This went on from their births even through different treatment towards the grandkids.
Brother claimed he never realized it, but Mom confirmed it was true.
Now FIL is in NH, getting fine care. Brother drives Mom to see him every day while we winter in FL. Mom could get public transportation or a ride with neighbors who have offered, but Bro is going the martyrdom route. Interestingly, although he is POA, I'm the one who sees that Medicaid was applied for, Elder Care attorney consulted, bills get paid, etc.

In reality, we all have different talents and abilities to offer. We can't expect others to do what we can and will do. And, we don't always know their situation and motives.

I have the same problem but it is my dad. I am not asking my siblings to be caregivers I am asking them to just have some compassion and care to just call or ask... I couldn’t find a way to get over my anger and I stopped talking to them. I know many will say this is wrong but you know what? Why do I need a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about thier dad? If that is how they feel about their dad then how are they going to feel about me if I needed support or help? So such people don’t need to be in my life I deserve good people around me people who are willing to help me if I needed help and willing to step in for me and provide emotional support during a difficult time.

Many here have given excellent advice. Mine is much the same. Having largely useless family help I used to be constantly angry and resentful over it. Finally figured out it wasn’t changing them a bit and was only hurting me. Things are much better since I stopped expecting them to be anything other than what sorry people that they are and accepted them and their mostly useless status. Yes, they’ll be there with hands out when my dad passes away, but that can’t be my problem either. I’ll treasure the memories of my parents and move forward. I hope you can get to a place of doing the same, you’ll feel lighter and freer for it.

The resentment can take a toll. I am a single mom raising my kids and then had to be the caregiver of my father. He had limited financial resources but I managed to hire a caregiver in the day and I would be there a night. This wore me down. I would ask the other siblings to help.. buy his adult diapers, grocery shop, send a meal, do home repairs, or send money to hire more help but to no avail they helped to do NOTHING. When my father was moved to active dying, I did have one sibling who stepped in and stepped up a bit when he realized he would not have his only living parent living much longer. I got a week relief. However, after he left the other 2 siblings still did not come visit, do anything. I left my job to take care of my father due to the cost of hiring someone. He had been in nursing home for 2 months but he became very dehydrated, bed sores, then was sent to hospital when told he needs hospice. It was rough by myself with my kids leaving our home to move in with him. After my father passed, then the siblings had the nerve to complain and want to know what happened. Despite their resistance to help with anything, now they want to ask a lot of dumb questions. I tried to get them to be involved in his medical issues and care. Apparently they think my father had more $$$ than they know and want to act like they gave a darn. It was really so sad and disappointing how little they showed up and cared for their dad who did anything for them when things were good for him. However, when things got tough for him after my mom passed, the siblings did not contact him for 4 years to check on him. I was there. I miss him daily. I have comfort in knowing I loved him til his last breath and I did what ever I could to keep him comfortable in his last days. I am slowing letting go of the hatred I have for 2 of my 4 siblings for disappearing and being MIA but now want to question things. I think I will now seek out a counselor to help me move past some of my feelings on this. Good luck in finding your peace and closure to your resentment of siblings not stepping up.

Saundie, oh my, you are in a tough situation. Loving mom enough to keep her home and human enough to be worn to a frazzled by it all. Then add absent, unhelpful siblings, ingredients for the perfect storm. I sooooo get being angry. I am dealing with my dad, alone, and the anger I feel I can't even explain. There are a 100 things a day but none should make me feel the way I do. My dad is a narcissistic manipulating self centered jerk, okay, why does that upset me? For me, figuring out what is real and what is his icky personality, was driving me mad. I thought maybe I can deal better if I know, my husband was finally (sick of living with my anger) WTH??!!?? difference does it make? That is how he is, no matter why? It took a while for me to get that, am I really going to treat him differently if it's the disease or the personality? No, so what's the difference. Oh, I get It! (The anger I had was consuming my ability to reason) not a nice picture of ones self to wake up to. My personal issue with family, and in all fairness, they live 400 miles + away) is they won't just say "NO", they lead him on to believe that if he can get to their house, oh yes you can stay until you get back on your feet, I'll help you, whatever I can do! Then he starts the elaborate plans of getting there and my phone gets burned up by these well meaning (?) friends and family, OMG you have to stop him, I can't have him here. He shouldn't be renting a Uhaul and driving, what are you going to do? Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! Can you just once not humor him, is it had to say no, very, but do you get that he thinks he has found his escape, all he has to do is get to your house and then he is free to go make really bad choices that result with him dead. Nope, they don't want to be a bad guy, so I get to deal with this regularly, anger upon anger.

I'm telling you this because I think you need to know that helpful can sometimes be more work for you. Find out how you can get your mom the care she needs without anyone else involved. Does this mean in home help, does it mean Assisted living facility or is she ready for higher level of care. You are it for her, so create your own village. There are many avenues of help out there, it is finding them that is the challenge. Remember the days of I'll watch your kids if you watch mine? Time to redirect your energies towards solutions that give you relief and ensure moms care. Your siblings have shown that they are not that solution, I personally am not a caregiver, I put my dad in AL, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I'm just not cut out for the day to day things. I do all I can to help, I have boundaries and I have my family, making sure that my priorities are straight and being able to have me time. Doing these things used to cause me guilt, now I can see that I have nothing to be guilty about, I don't get any help, even my husband has stopped taking my dad out, I get it, life is busy and days go by into weeks and months. None of this is anyone's fault, it just is. I know that my dad is safe, well cared for (when he is compliant) and gets his meds when needed. You have to let go and take care of you in all you have to do, you are not superhuman, even though you are close with all you do. You deserve a medal for stepping up, just be sure you can see when to step back. If you are a believer, pray to be delivered from the hurt and anger. This journey you are on is brutal on the best of days, get your village together and move one minute at a time, find something that makes you smile and have happy, peaceful, relaxing moments.

May God grant you the strength and peace to get through this trial. Hugs and love 2 u!

Feelings of anger and resentment seem to pop up as part of the normal course of events for we who choose to care for aging parents. I am fortunate in that one of my sisters is a great help and comes by often to not only help Mom, but me too (when I let her.) As far as the other 'distant' siblings are concerned, when I feel overwhelmed, I feel angry and disappointed in them but always love them. What I remind myself is that we were raised to be independent and care for ourselves and our chosen family, so 'they' are doing what they were raised to do. There have been many comments here that some people simply don't have the tolerance to be a caregiver. Given your siblings are not even helping a little, 'seems it's probably a good thing that they are not more involved with your parent. It's a very special calling and I tell myself I'm the lucky one to have these precious moments with Mom and they are missing out; by their own choice.

Being here helps. You are sooooo not alone. Here, you can vent, read others perils to lessen your burden, pray for patience and strength, treat sibling like a welcomed visitor when visiting for the sake of mom. And... the sibling is treated nicer by mom... in my case... I pray for strength... alot!

It really is amazing how common these scenarios are. One person always gets stuck with the majority of the caregiving. I'd be interested to know if anyone who reads this message board is on the other side of the situation, that is, the sibling who is not the primary caregiver. What are your thought processes when you are asked by your sibling who is in charge of your parent's care for help?

You need to de-stress.

Sadly, this type care does tend to fall to one person most of the time. For me it was easy, I wasn't working but my sisters were still employed. So I had the time, they didn't.

You can try to "give it to God" if you believe in God. Or, I know a lot of caregivers go onto medication to help them de-stress. Medication like Zoloft. Personally, with my DH, although the doctor recommended it for me and really thought I should - I didn't want it - I said, "no, I will find another way." I started using Ashwagandha Root and it is working miracles. It doesn't "numb me" but it helps to keep me stable.

The only other thing I do is to react. I don't believe that it is wrong to explode sometimes. After a yelling match with my DH, we both tend to start laughing. I apologize and so does he. And we both reaffirm our love for each other.

So, don't waste your time and breath being mad at your sibling. Your sibling will have regrets later but you should be ok with knowing you did everything you could as best as you could.

It's comforting to know so many other people go through this. From reading forums like this early on, and all the books I can get my hands on, I have hung on to the common thread of advice, and that is to accept your siblings for who they are, and do not expect anyone else to feel or think like you do. what you feel your parent needs, and what you need to do for them is your thing. don't expect everyone else to follow along and think and act like you do. I refuse to carry any anger towards my siblings and loose them too over something like this. We work hard on good communication and believe me, I have to hold my sharp tongue often. In the end we are doing pretty well, and equally share our sadness and stress over losing our mother slowly to Parkinsons and dementia. It's important not to measure and compare what each of us does.

Yes, Please let me know how to get rid of that anger and resentment when you find out!!! Actually my anger has turned to disgust. I have a sibling who lives less than 3 miles away. He and his sorry wife cannot be bothered by their 'busy part time schedules' and no children life. 8 years and when I have asked for any help I was literally told to 'f myself' But you can bet your bottom dollar these types are the FIRST to show up at death looking for their inheritance and whatever else is valuable.

Take to heart all the advice and take care of yourself. Get help- get home health, hire a sitter - whatever it takes so you can go out and do something nice for yourself. Spend the money on your parent. Thats what its for. No regrets. If you have made this choice, try to remember the narrow road is always harder.

Saudie, please take to heart what these people are saying. Get rid of the anger any way you can because it will only eat you up and make you ill. It is this time in our lifes where we see the true character of children, siblings, relatives, etc. One of my siblings kicked her parent out of her house and 4 years later after not seeing her decides to call Adult Protective Services, and has not spoken to her mother. The other comes back once a year and sits in her parents home, and will not sit at the dinner table with her parent or even have a cup of coffee, because this person drinks tea! You are the only one that will suffer if you do not rid yourself of the anger.

Please do what others are recommending and check into Medicaid and if your family member is a veteran, please check out Veteran's Financial and have them check for you what assistance is available even if it is a spousal benefit.

Another thing is if these people don't want to help for whatever reason, would you really want them handling this person and would they care as much as you.

Keep us up to date and take care of yourself too!

My mother has Alzheimer's and is in a NH. My brother never goes to see her or do anything about her care. I purposely put her in a facility that is only a few minutes from where he lives and is 45 minutes from me. He has not visited her one time, but if I had made it convenient for me, you can bet he would use that as the excuse for not seeing her. His reasoning was the first time she didn't know him "He was done". As much as I would like to smack him upside the head, I can't make him step up to the plate. I can, however, have a clear conscience that I did. Just keep on keeping on....one day at a time. There is no other choice.

Find other help. It will ease your burden and anger. It may cost but is worth it.

I realized I was angry at my siblings because they were able to set boundaries & keep them and I didn’t know how. This forum and also a local support group helped me learn to do so. Also, I felt I had to fill in the voids I perceived in Mom’s care because of my siblings’ “lack of involvement”.  Again, this forum helped me come to my senses. Lastly, when I come across a particularly helpful phrase written by another member, I copy it into a file I started to keep. This file I refer to quite a bit, as we are now on the caregiving journey with my in-laws.

Not all people have the compassion or emotional strength to be a caregiver. Many cannot deal with seeing the physical and mental decline of someone who was/is someone they depended on for decades. People who avoid difficult situations will also avoid care giving. They may feel guilty about not helping and that just creates another reason for them to "disappear".

Sometimes people who cannot handle actual care giving can be supportive in other ways if you give them the opportunity. If they have the resources, they may be willing to help finance some respite care - even a few hours a week can be a great help. Could they help you by taking your car to be serviced? shopping for you or your parent? mowing the yard? I have a sibling who has never stepped forward to take care of our parents, but has also never failed to help with any supportive task when asked. He has picked up groceries, made and overseen home and auto repairs, installed grab bars and ramps, shared expenses when needed, etc. Another sibling has "disappeared" except for occasional criticisms and otherwise creating problems.

Anger is a stage of mourning. Mourning for your parent's ill health, mourning for your disappointments in your siblings' actions/inactions, mourning for the life you might have been living without care giving. For me, moving past the anger was about accepting: (1) my parents had no choice in their decline and are not at fault for any of the annoying/challenging behavior changes; (2) I made the choice to be a care giver and accepting the impacting changes was _my_ choice too; and (3) siblings are not required to make the same or similar choices. I do not feel guilty about asking for reasonable help - from a family member or a neighbor - and I always thank them for their assistance. I think that "support" helps emotionally a lot. Care giving is isolating but I believe anger hardens that isolation. If your primary emotion toward someone is anger, it's very hard to ask for a favor/help from them and you deny yourself (and them) the opportunity to have more positive interactions.

I have 5 siblings and many of these stories I could relate to, in some level. I have been  caring for my parents and my ILs. My husband’s sibling lives across the country. It has been interesting to see how each of us responds differently to care. Some outside people have told me my sibs should help more. I have found that when I ask for help most of them pitch in. My mom is in a memory care center. My brother who was closest to my mom lost his wife at the age of 44. He never went to bereavement classes. I attribute that to him never visiting my mom, but it maybe emotionally it is just to stressful. Siblings wives have given me different reasons they don’t step up either (as they became like daughters). Not that they were asked to help, by me, but they felt guilty enough to feel that they wanted me to understand their feelings. My eldest sibling was POA, because he was the eldest. The rest of us were frustrated with his lack of proactive care. Finally he told my dad, he found it overwhelming. So my brother who is more financially savvy is POA. I take care of the medical/ physical care. At times it has been very time consuming and would be easy to look at my family and be angry. At these times I have to recognize my limitations and let my siblings know and communicate with them to help me resolve the issues. The solution has not always been my ideal, but it has resolved the issues. My points are; we all are emotionally different, so we approach life differently. We are only in control of our own emotions and actions, anger is an emotion that says I need to make a change to protect myself and move forward in a positive way. Family’s relationship are important enough to be vulnerable and put forth the energy  to find a solution you all feel comfortable with, when all is done.

Hi there!

I am heart-sick for you. For myself, too because I’m in the same boat. My sister does NOTHING!!! I resent her so desperately that it’s made me sick. I obsess about how angry I am at her for hours every single day. Every morning I wake up she’s on my mind and I’m so angry I’m beside myself. It’s horrible. I have allowed her to ruin my life. There was a time when I used to be so happy, so upbeat and so positive. Today I am a crabby, miserable person I don’t even know. Yes, I know I can’t make her do anything, yes, I know she hits 9 out of 10 symptoms of a narcissist and yes, I finally hate her and don’t speak or see her anymore. Has any of that helped me? Nope! None of it. Has it affected my sister? Nope! She’s happy as can be. So, finally after FOUR full years of being this horrible human being that only I have turned myself into, I’ve finally made an appointment to see a psychologist for all of this anger. This Thursday is my first session and I can hardly wait. You will get sooooo much support and really great intelligent advice and support here so please keep coming back. What finally made me decide to go to counseling was one simple but profound expression someone posted here a couple weeks back that I think went like this: Bitterness is a poison you swallow hoping someone else dies. How true! Hang in there. You’re not alone and folks here are just wonderful!

The Serenity Prayer.

You just got to say the HELL with them!!!! If none of them aren't going to do anything now to contribute, they aren't going to do anything in the near future. I was the same way like you, very upset and its hard not to be. I just ended up hating my siblings and never looked at them the same.