I have noticed that I do not feel as "sharp" or "smart" as I used to before I became a caregiver. I can only compare this to the mommy brain that I had when my children were both infants. When I am in a social situation lately I am at a loss for conversation. This is distressing to me because I look so forward to getting out and being around non-demented people and then when I am there I have nothing to say and feel out of place. I feel that people avoid me because of my situation. I may be sensitive but there are others out there who have a great amount of guilt about not taking care of their elderly parents and I think they feel awkward around me also. Being in the situation of having a low level stress at all times makes my mind simple. I read crappy magazines and watch dumbed down TV just like my Mom. I know there are gifts that go along with the difficult task of taking care of our elders and I appreciate those. I just do not want to become an empty shell with no personality.
I know what youre saying cant live with her in peace and cant leave because of the guilt mums moods are getting worse i hope too her doc can give her something to calm her soon! but thankgod you have a caring niece im the only one here who seems to give a d*mn about mum here? i still dont know how siblings can be so selfish?
But what you said about socially awkward pauses… so there you are thinking oh God I can't think of any conversation… and there they are thinking she's wonderful looking after her mother, oh God I couldn't do that I feel such a worm… and then you really can't think of anything to say… and then they think oh God if I did caregiving I'd be standing at parties like a tin of milk too, like her, poor thing…
I know what you mean about Mommy brain, but what irked me about that was that, the second you told anyone you had small children, they automatically assumed you'd have nothing interesting to say and became extremely dull people to talk to. I.e. it wasn't us, it was them!
Look, it's not like there isn't a lifetime of interesting and intelligent discourse going on on this very site, is it? I have to tell you, I also belong to a copywriters' forum, and oh my goodness they don't half rate themselves. But when it comes to content, form, meaning and communication, AC has every one of those cocky little so-and-sos licked. Empty shells? Not a bit of it. What we are is living under permanent fire.
Oh. And now I've realised I'm looking at page one of this thread and there are another 24 posts to read. Eheu! Which is Latin for 'alas.' Only took me 90 seconds to bring it to mind… See? We're doing fine :/
Later I felt better about it. I wouldn't want them around me anyway. Somewhere along the way they lost their heart cells. I'd rather lose brain cells than heart cells.
Let's face it, we'll never be the Waltons here. :)
Now I have to proof-read many times over and even after I send the post to the website, later I will read it and think how I wished there was "editing" capability because I left out a word here and there.
There are times that I think I am coming down with dementia... and here my parents have just age related forgetfulness.
I had no idea so many women are going through
This. My mom has lived with me 6 1/2 years,
She is bedridden, paranoid schizophrenic, has a colostomy bag, A catheter. Gallstones, Tardive dyskinesia , and no one in the family , has given
1 hour of relief.
I have lost work days, overtime, and went through
My 401k.
I didn't date for 4 years,
My roof leaked last night during the storm,
Her wheelchair I ordered and picked up, went
Airborne from the back of the truck, the hospital
Supply gave me another one, because they
Put it in my truck, instead of laying it down
They locked the wheels and said it won't go
Anywhere, yeah right. I had to get one that reclined, because even when her belt was on
She slid out and a 2 on peg went into her buttock.
You are not alone, I understand what your going
Through, I will never be able to retire, or have
Any kind of vacation. I feel lost and alone.
That darn thermostat at my parent's home.... it is 10-15 degrees higher than mine here at home. But then again, my Mom always feels chilled because of her thyroid condition plus she is very thin. Saw my parents this afternoon, Mom was wearing a thermo undershirt, a polo shirt, and a long sleeve cardigan, long pants, etc. Dad, easy to describe what he's wearing - walking shorts, and that's it. Mom wins when it comes to the battle of the temps.
When it is that hot, my brain starts to fry... maybe it's that heat that has caused me to start losing from of my own memory :0
What's that quote about television providing artificial friends and relatives to lonely people? =)
I've got to read something, listen to Terry Gross or watch Charlie Rose just to feel halfway human again.
Maybe when things calm down, I'd like to take an online class from one of the universities. There are so many opportunities to do that for free now, it's amazing.
I too have run out of things to say in social situations. I've also gained 20 lbs being here and don't feel very confident to go out. My friends are not here, but when I talk to them, they are leading amazing, adventurous lives (truly) and I really don't have much to add to the conversation.
However, I'm not in a 24 hour care situation, just more of a helper as she has gotten older and frail and dependent. I've gotten into a rut and just often don't have the energy to leave and engage elsewhere, so I just sit here and keep driving her to her appointments. My friends are out of state so I am having to rebuild which takes a lot of energy - and I just don't have it to go be social because mom takes a lot of energy too. So some of this is my fault - most of it really - for not getting out and building a life. This town is also very blah, not much here that is interesting or stylish, but that's really an excuse. I did go out of town for a few days recently and felt incredibly guilty leaving mom here to be lonely - but after a few days i felt like my old self again, happy. I am going to refocus on getting myself more of a life to be able to have something to balance this. Also, if mom passes at some point, I will have no support system here and that's not good.
I would have to say that this situation is 75% my fault. I can't control the situation, that I have to be here, and I do resent the situation having someone be dependent on me (never had children) but it is such that I do have some control over what I do on my own while here. I just let this dependence suck out my energy, then all I have left is to watch the Bachelor and go back to bed.
Working has saved my sanity, as there are interesting people that come into the office.... but most of my conversations still seem to revolve around my parents' doctors.... my good friends have crawled back into the woodwork because they cannot relate :0
So the question is: how much is the effect of caregiving/being around old people, and how much is, gulp, the effect of, er, just getting older..?
Oops, it just dawned on me I am typing on a "Keys U see" computer keyboard from one of those independent care catalogs... yellow keys with large black lettering. I bought it for myself last year :P
As for shoes, I'm such a fuddy duddy now. I'll wear running shoes with everything, and I don't even care how it looks. Can't remember the last time I wore heels, except that it was so painful!
And socially -- I much prefer zoning out to cooking shoes or forensics/mystery type shows, than getting together with people. And I like posting here! :) I'm an introvert anyway. Which isn't really a bad thing -- to enjoy solitude is wonderful. But socializing with people just wears me out. I have no attention span or patience. I just hid the postings of several fb friends this week too. Felt good (evil laugh...) ;)
I see an ugly Christmas sweater and a fruitcake in all your futures.
Basket of kittens.. rofl! And let's not forget the fake ceramic garden animals and ornaments. Although I will forever be loyal to the Travelocity gnome. And pink flamingos are the bomb.
looloo, I don't think I have put on a pair of heels in a couple of years... give me the comfort of my SAS brand shoes... one style I call my "nun shoes", I can wear them all day :)