Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
There is only so much Paul to go around. Imagine your time and energy as water, in limited quantity. How much of it do you use to water the old dying plant? How much for the young growing ones?
Your dad has his own reservoir (his savings), he also has other resources to tap into (senior center, adult day care, assisted living facility), but no, he insists on using your limited water supply at the expense of you and your growing family.
He uses guilt to make you do that, but you've wised up, Paul. Decide how much water you can spare him, and stick to that.
Your dad decides his own fate because he's still capable. When he legally can't make his own decisions, then you can step in. Until then, he makes his own bed.
No guilt, Paul. And keep both brother's and dad's numbers blocked.
You could say that after her treatment recently, your wife has put her foot down about his demands, and you are not prepared to break up your own family to care for him. I'm surprised she hasn't done this already.
If dear brother won't co-operate, perhaps you could stick the boot in by suggesting that Dad is in his second childhood and your brother can send him off to your mother to look after!
They cant physically make you do it. They can only guilt or throw a tantrum. What do we do with kids who throw tantrums? Walk away, hang up phone, disingage.
But then again, knowing that he is like your dad, I would have left the commitments part out - nothing personal for the discussion. He IS like your dad and you have to stick to the barest minimum in discussion, such as 'Dad needs SOME help, let's work out a fair schedule to help with the tasks he NEEDS help with.' But, I agree with you - that ship has sailed. Hopefully you didn't board it.
From all the discussions, it doesn't sound like dad *really* needs help. He refuses to use a washer/dryer? Not the same as he CAN'T use them. Refuses food delivery, but can manage to go shopping with you? Can get out to meet with his friends, etc? I think at this point I would leave him high and dry for 2 weeks (or more) and see what happens (keeping blocks on your and wife's phones/facebook, etc. NO CONTACT.) You know he has food (and you only assist in getting the food, you don't prepare it), so he isn't going to starve. What else would he need? He IS capable, but is playing the poor old me schtick.
There is a gentleman in TX who will be 105 THIS MONTH, and he still takes care of himself, including riding his motorized scooter all over the place, and up until just before he was 104, he took care of his wife who had dementia!!! Your dad isn't that old, and can do a lot for himself, he just doesn't want to. Well, if no one comes to help, what will he do? I seriously doubt he will curl up in a ball and die. Who cares what anyone says or thinks if you do this.
It would be nice to work together and work out a reasonable schedule for you both to share, but clearly (as you yourself said) he's a chip off the old block(head.) Many of us know of the siblings who don't help (or do the barest minimum - in his case he sends his flunky, the wife!) and there are those who have the siblings who not only don't help, but chime in to tell YOU how to do it right or criticize how you do it.
I know you have a 2 week vaca coming up - try a prelude, 2 weeks incommunicado before that trip. He's managed to get through your other vacas, he can manage to live without your help all the time.
Yeh my wife is brill. Shes put up with a lot over the years. At the moment, she can't stand him and its fair to be honest.
Sometimes I have an idea to make things easier and he'll just say no. Sometimes I'm sure he likes things hard so he can moan about it to be honest.
The freezer thing is a joke. Never seen it more than 10% full - he deliberately keeps stocks low so he can pull the "no food" trick. Then he'll moan and moan its so hard to go shopping etc.
He does go out on his disabled scooter on his own now. He never would have. Preferred to moan and groan but has had no choice now - stay in or make an effort.
His latest moan is the raincover on it - too hard to put on and off (it is fiddly). So I found a decent one - hard cover - you pull it over with one hand. £170 (which he can afford easily). So I mention - Oh no its ok I'll manage. (The though of spending money scares him - it might dent his £35-£40K savings hes got!)
This is Dad through and through. He'd rather things stayed screwed up and not spend any money. (Like home delivery shopping - he says £2.50 delivery is a "rip off" but me driving 50 miles round trip from home is OK - don't get that one!)
So had to admit I was away from three weeks Aug/Sep (hello Florida!). That went down well. Instant mood, then I get "three weeks that's a long time", "oh how am I going to manage?", "hope you've sorted with your brother someone to look after me".
Judging from last year he'll expect daily long phone calls. (not so easy 5 hours time difference sometimes). No need really. And I know he does it just to prove a point that HEs the most important (and not my kids who will be in Disneyworld with me).
Talking of cricket. Offered to take him out in a few weeks. Go for lunch, Disabled space at cricket ground, wheelchair, on a sunday afternoon. No don't want to go - "its too awkward". What?
Literally, two days later - he's telling me how hes fed up, hes stuck in the house all the time. Are you serious?
With Dad, if you come up with the idea, he NEVER goes for it. If he comes up with an idea, you HAVE to take him somewhere. Its like a test or power trip with him...
You know now that you told him, his mind is going into overtime thinking of new ways to contact you, or new fake emergencies to have.
If you have to call him, I think you will cave and do it, 1x a week. You know he is going to have some emergency waiting for you.
Either your self sabotaging or there is some part of you that still hopes for a normal relationship. It will never happen. Right up to the end with my narc mom, she was in control, and if she wasnt my sibling was. The pattern is ingrained well before you were born. All the way back to his childhood. It will never stop, never change.
I would agree. Hes already in "woe is me, how am I going to cope for three weeks" mode. I KNOW that one year he will escalate up to the max and pull a serious illness days before I go.
I'm ready for that one. I will be going regardless unless I get independent confirmation from a medical expert that hes not faking anything. Even if he swears hes dying days before I go.
I agree he'll never change. He is SO stubborn. Hes got a fixed set of views that he thinks everyone needs to live by and he thinks he can tell me what to do.
I'm at the stage now where I think, if you mention something, I am happy to sort something out to help you. I'm not doing it a specific way just because you have that idea in your head - it will be the best and easiest way for everyone. If you don't like it then suffer the consequences and I don't care.
I'm getting better. This weekend:-
1. "I'm stuggling to get rain cover on my scooter". I can get you a rigid easy to use one for £170. "No that's too expensive I'm not paying that". End of conversation, struggle on then. He won't mention it again- thats one thing shut down.
2. "I can't carry the battery up the stairs". I'll get an external plug fitted by an electrician so you can charge it. Same response. Struggle then - another whine shut down.
3. "I'm scared to use in case I breakdown and can't get home". I'll pay for breakdown cover (like for the car). "But I can't use my mobile phone". I'll give you ANOTHER lesson or, since you only go to town center 1/2 mile away you can ask someone to call breakdown for you. "No I don't want to do that". Struggle then and breakdown I dont care. Another one gone.
4. "You're brothers wife can't do my laundry this week". No I'm not doing it. I'll sort out collection and return by local laundry company. "No I don't want to pay - I'll wash my clothes by hand". Yes not great. If you want to be dirty carry on.
5. "I struggle to cook food now". Meals on wheels for 5 days a week sorted. "But I'm out sometimes". They offer a service where they drop into house (all criminal checked). He did go for this one.
Notice a lot of this revolves around money. Hes got so much saved he could NEVER spend it all. It does wind me up that money is saved for no reason at all, yet my time is expendable.
I'm sure it'll filter down to us peasants in the sticks before long, and then you can tell your Dad that when it comes to how the other half lives, he now is the other half.
Alas, as you say, not many Waitrose around (Cardiff is closer).....
Also, got more chance of growing a third arm than Dad shopping at Waitrose. He wont entertain the idea of Sainsburys. Keeps telling me they should never have built one in the valleys (Pontypridd) because its not a shop for working class people...... Makes me laugh sometimes he does.
Somewhere I always hoped my narc mom would change. I even entertained the thought that right before dying she would say she was sorry, or see how hurtful she was. No, in the end she just got quieter. No big amends in the end, nothing. Not even I love you. Nothing.
I realized only I could contribute to my best life. They dont have insight or just dont care. I think its the first one.
Go live your best life in spite of him and your brother. Seems like you have a fun vac planned. Enjoy and unplug. Good for you!
Its getting easier though. Dad has proven last few months he cares little about anyone else apart from himself. I never used to like lying to him - now I dont care.
Expensive vacation! Florida/WDW in August....
Remember the taxi thing? He will NEVER EVER EVER get a taxi. Its not for "people like us". Talk about doing yourself down!
Hes the same with spending money. He won't even do it to make things easier for himself. Him and his friends are awful - they gossip about each other if one of them "throws his money around".
Not sure where I'd come into things. Of course, born into working class family (I was brought up on a very rough council estate, went to poor high school). Not sure now of course. Nice house, director of my own company...But Dad just doesn't see that someone can change things for themselves...
But the south wales valleys (as a lot of places) is a funny old place. It'll never change I fear. Neither will the inbred attitudes. Glad I don't live there anymore!
Besides, it is a mistake to think that tribes and cliques of this sort (anywhere in the world) believe themselves and their way of life to be inferior. Au contraire, as they say in Ponty.
He just doesn't want you looking down on him. Or going soft. Or voting wrong. Or taking up ballet (God! - that would be a laugh - tell him you're doing it for your back!)
You're supposed to maintain a fond attachment to your roots no matter how glad you are to be a long way away from them. You know how it works.
I remember telling Dad that and he looked at me as if I'd just shot the cat.
And yes I did tell him I don't vote Labour - that went down well!
He also still thinks that the man is the head of the household. Probably still works that way in the Valleys to be honest! He just frowns whenever I tell him my wife makes her own decisons! (part of why he doesnt like her!)
"Even if he swears hes dying days before I go."
along with all his other dire warnings, get a copy of Aesop's 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' and give it to him just before you walk out (if you can access this, you can print a copy: http://www.read.gov/aesop/043.html)
As for the following 4 issues, why not just buy/pay for the item or necessity and be done with discussion. His argument is always about the money, and how he won't spend it, so don't discuss it. The solution is to pay for it yourself and provide it to shut him up. Once done, he cannot use any of those "excuses" again. Sure, he can then go on about how you "wasted" your money - cut him off each time and say it is not HIS money, so it is none of his business, with no further discussion allowed. He tries to continue arguing how you should spend your money, cut him off with I did it for YOU, add some tut-tuts and/or Exit Stage Left (walk out/hang up.)
1. "I'm struggling to get rain cover on my scooter". I can get you a rigid easy to use one for £170. "No that's too expensive I'm not paying that".
2. "I can't carry the battery up the stairs". I'll get an external plug fitted by an electrician so you can charge it. Same response.
3. "I'm scared to use in case I breakdown and can't get home". I'll pay for breakdown cover (like for the car).
4. "You're brothers wife can't do my laundry this week". No I'm not doing it. I'll sort out collection and return by local laundry company.
In the case of #4 (actually all of them, but #4 gets his wife off the hook, something BROTHER could have done), you can rub this in brother's face, if you resume relationship and he tells you dad needs help. DONE IT, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Aaaand, Exit Stage Left.
Thing is last few months I've called him on probably 10 things and told him how badly hes treated me. Hes apologised but its wearing thin now because, out of those 10 things, a few have been identical things happening again.
How on earth he thinks (and he does) that my wife is not annoyed with him I'll never now. She is way more than annoyed. I get that often though "dont tell wife that I did this or this happened will you?". I dont hide things from my wife at all and she sees whats going on to be honest.
I was planning to visit sunday anyway if I could. (although I am on call so you can't guarantee I will be available). Im betting one of them will be wanting me to go Saturday as well. Not happening - wife is working, my daughter has things on - one of her friends party being one of them.
I can predict already that Dad will expect me to clear my calendar for him on Saturday and cancel my daughters party. Nice my Dad is.....
As expected we had the "woe is me I won't see anyone on Saturday brother is away". Ignored that. Then I get the "Im DESPERATE for food, you'll have to come Sunday". Jeez. Again? I point out that yes I plan to come sunday but I'm on call so who knows. Once again "Make a big effort though". What are you on about?
Now that really winds me up! I've lost count of the number of times I've explained that "on call" means I don't know what will happen and I can make the biggest effort in the world but if things dont go well, its out of my control totally, I wont be able to come. My family know this and have put up with it for years!
Perhaps its me being oversensitive but this "make an effort" crap makes it sound like I don't try hard enough. Also, I know its also a way of him saying "I don't care if you're up all night with work and no sleep - I still expect a visit".
So I explained again. "Yes but I need you to make a big effort". Arghhhh!
Probably 15th time we've had this same conversation...
I must admit I am tempted to not go one time just to prove a point to get it to sink in to his head....
"I *am* making a big effort - not to reach down the phone line and strangle you. I will come to see you on Sunday if work allows. And if you say another f***ing word, I will NOT come. Enough! Zip it! Clear?"
How on earth do you stop... Practise, dear Henry. Say goodbye and hang up. You should try it, at least once, just to see what it's like. It won't be nearly as terrifying as you think it's going to be, and nothing bad will happen.
Many, many, many times I've said "Please don't tell me 'make an effort', I do what I can" yet he still does it.
It gets swept under the carpet and hes back to normal next day. Like I said, if I said to him now, "my wife really does not want anything to do with you", he'd look at me aghast and say "why? what have I done?" Defies belief.
Twice this week I've spoken to him on the phone this week and have ended the call. Hes on a mission this week telling me how I should stop spoiling my kids, have a word with my wife, not go on holidays this year because I don't get paid holidays. Each time I've asked him to drop it and mind his own business and he hasn't. Twice I've ended the call.
You will go and see him on Sunday if it's sensible, and if it isn't you won't. You won't cancel your daughter's party invitation. You will bring up your children as you see fit. You and your wife will manage your relationship as you both agree on. You are in control of all of these things.
Your father is as he is, and you can't change him, but you don't *have* to change him. He cannot do anything to or about you. He can't even make you listen to him if you haven't the time or inclination. Stop attributing to him power which he simply does not have. He is a paper tiger.