I have so much anger and impatience dealing with my mother's dementia. I need help.

Thanks jeannegibbs for your comment. I was really mad when I wrote that yesterday... so I wasn't totally making sense there :)

I think you are right and that I will feel better about taking more of a role in her life. After seeing her through cancer and going to all her appointments and chemo sessions I think people came to expect and rely on me to look after my mom. By people I mean my brother, my uncle and my Grandpa.

And I didn't mind, but after her cancer her brain just seemed to go to mush. And dealing with her since has been extremely frustrating. Like other people have said here, it is like dealing with a child who doesn't remember what you tell them, and who can't learn how to do things.

When she got sick with cancer I had to reorganize her finances and have my grandpa help with her financially. My Grandpa is in his nineties and is in denial about her dementia, he doesn't think anything is wrong. And he is suspicious of me when I ask him for money on her behalf because he thinks SHE will ask if she needs money. But she never does because guess what she has dementia !!!!!!! And when he does ask her directly if she needs money she says she doesn't need any. We have been working with my uncle to set up an automated deposit so hopefully this will improve things.

I do all her banking on line (just in case my Grandpa wants to see a paper trail of where the money is going I can print an on line statement). My brother and I also have POA.

I want to hire her extra help but that means asking for extra financial help from my Grandpa. I have seen a social worker about my mom and it seems like my mom put on a good show for them or was having a "good" day on the day we saw them. But that's besides the point.

I really doubt my mom will accept strangers into her home which is why I want to hire someone privately. From what I understand publicly hired nurses will come to visit my mom but unlike private it won't be the same person coming to her home each time.

I guess I could at least try to go the public route at least. Maybe it is better than not trying. My brother and I are meeting with a nurse that is going to reassess her next week.

My mom is saying and doing really cooky things, her friends call me to tell me she says she doesn't know she has a grandson and she thinks I 'm a banker. Which I am definitely not lol. She said the other day there were little kids in her apartment but she had to go and run an errand and they were gone when she got back. It is really strange as she doesn't know any little kids.

She speaks about my brother and I to her friends as though we are just her friends and not her kids. On her birthday she looked at me and asked me when my birthday was and when I told her she said to me "that's my daughters birthday" . She has been walking over to my place in the dark every day this week thinking we have plans when we don't. I get so mad sometimes I have to just get off the phone. It is so frustrating listening to her. I can often snap at her , she only seems to "get it" when I get mad .....for example I had to tell her "MOM, you cannot walk in the dark you could get lost and die in the cold" stuff like that. Then afterwards i feel bad, I just feel like I don't have the patience or personality to deal with this. And sometimes I think she's better off not talking to me because I get so frustrated with her.

Anyways I just needed to vent.

It is so frustrating because it is such an uphill climb I don't even know where to begin. Thanks for your support jeannegibbs it is nice talking to people that understand what I'm going through. You're right I need to take more of a role and hopefully I'll feel better and she will have better care as a result

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dam, i haveta agree with jeannes extensive opinion on this subject. it is indeed enough to fry your mind but the more you learn about dementia the more you anticipate whats coming and the stronger you become. during my mothers last 6-8 months theres nothing she could do that would upset me. i saw only a sad mental image of a brain that was significantly shrinking and shorting out. i was asked by hospice during our worst times how " i " was doing? i told em " fine, because i read. ( beotches, lol ) information is power..

Oh my gosh...seeing this discussion couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'm feeling frustrated with Mom and guilty that I feel this way. Just a few minutes ago, she finished "doing the dishes" after only 40 MINUTES! Almost the entire time, she runs the water, which is driving me crazy. Our water bill is through the roof with her "helping". I don't want to take this away from her, as she loves doing the dishes, but my water bill is astronomical and my sanity is fading. I am at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. So much has been taken from her...I feel that I've lost so much, too. I know that when she's no longer with us, I'll be so grateful for this time, but, right now, I'm feeling impatient, frustrated, and just sad that I am feeling this way.

roxanne,
guilt comes with the territory and its just devastating. there are no do overs on this so do a job you can look back and feel good about. my mom has been gone for 6 months and when i look back i see mistakes but i see a sob learning on the job too. i got respite so i could attend an alz seminar, never regretted it cause it made me realize my problems were in no way unique but well documented and shared by many. i think your best medical / caregiving advice comes from the uk as they dont have the medicine for profit motive and the info is clean and simply worded.

get a watersaver aerator for the kitchen sink. solutions, dammit, solutions..

Wow, Roxanne, you've found something that keeps your mother happily occupied for 2/3 an hour every day. Congratulations! Hug her for doing such a good job and helping so well. Brag about it to company, in her presence.

I hope that your mother is paying room and board and/or for care. (Having a formal written agreement for this is a good idea.) Consider the extra water costs as being paid for by her, if it makes you feel better about it.

It is funny what particular things jerk our chains, isn't it? Here you have gone and built on to your house in order to accommodate your demented mother. You spend hours a day ensuring that she is safe, and as content as possible. You took her out of nursing home to provide the care yourself. She is infringing on your privacy and on your ability to be spontaneous. And what drives you to distraction? That she uses a lot of water washing dishes! Ya gotta laugh, right?

As captain suggests, try to find a way to minimize the water usage. Think about it as something she is paying for, or that you are willing to pay for as part of her therapy. Don't sweat the small stuff. (Compared to building an addition to your house, and compared to the tangles and plaques building up in her brain, running water is small stuff.)

Roxanne I hope this doesn't sound like criticism. You feel what you feel and there is no need to feel any guilt over it. I'm just offering another perspective, in hopes it may lessen your frustration.

Bless you for caring for a woman who really needs your care!

Thanks Jeanne and Captain. You did put things in perspective. That's why I am so happy to have the support. It's funny how the "small stuff" really can seem so big at the time, but then when you give it some thought, it's really nothing at all. Thank you both! {{{{HUGS}}}}

20 years ago I applied for my Mom and Dad to live in a senior facility one block away from me in Queens. She opted instead to live near my sister in New Jersey. After they moved there my Dad got diagnosed with lung cancer. Sadly in 2004 my sister was also diagnosed with lung cancer and suddenly passed away. One year later my Dad refused further treatment and passed away. My sisters husband moved into the same facility and offers no assistance to my Mom .... Barely even acknowledging her. Now My Mom is 92 and has dementia. away from me. We have an aide coming in five days a week for two hours to bathe, clean and give her a hot meal for lunch. My husband and I travel 40 miles every Saturday to check her mail and stock up her refrigerator. I have control of her finances (durable POA) and pay all of her bills. I have been doing so for two years now. She has been sleeping a lot lately. I believe she has the Sundown Syndrome...when she wakes up from her naps on her chair she usually calls me at all hours....she just called and said that my father has a girlfriend who lives down the hall. I told her he is dead for almost 10 years. She doesn't think about anyone but him. I get very angry with her.....my husband has a lot more patience than I do. I think my anger really stems from the fact that I wanted her in Queens and she chose New Jersey....now the burden is on me and my husband. We are both in our 70's and really don't need this. I believe it might be time to put her in a home. Looking after her is worse than a child. I am totally frustrated. I had to take her phone book away from her because she is so obsessed with my father that she was calling a phone number we had 60 years ago at all hours.

If she needs another level of care, MommyGaGa, then it seems reasonable to me to move her into a care center close to you. That would make some things easier for you.

Holding on to all that anger can't be doing you any good. Ten years ago she chose to live near your sister. That might have worked splendidly, except Dad got cancer and so did Sis. Not Mom's Fault. Not Your Fault. Sad? absolutely. Worth holding anger over for 10 days, let alone 10 years? Umm ... I really can't see it. For your sake, let it go.

Mom has dementia. Not Her Fault. She doesn't operate in the reality where her husband is dead. She doesn't react appropriately to normal clues about time -- either time of day or time of century. She is obsessed with her late husband. All of this is Not Her Fault.

It is appropriate to be angry at the dementia. But she did not sign up for that just because she chose to live in New Jersey. Frustration at her I understand. Anger? That is a little harder for me to grasp.

I hope you can now bring her closer to you. That would help. I suspect what would help at least as much is getting to a calm acceptance of her disease yourself, and perhaps learning about it to know what to expect. I suggest finding a support group for caregivers of persons with dementia. Or if group meetings aren't your thing, consider a few sessions with a therapist who can help you sort through your anger. You deserve all the help you can find -- caring for someone who has dementia is extremely challenging.

I understand your anger, MommyGaGa. Choices parents made earlier in life can put a monkey wrench in our own lives. It can be a challenge to work through it. From what you write, there is nothing holding your mother in NJ now beyond familiarity. That may soon become more hazy, since she has dementia. I think your idea of moving her closer to you is a good one.

Something many of us grapple with is trying to come to terms with what is going on in the mind of someone with dementia. Learning more about dementia may help you there. People with dementia often become obsessed with certain things. It is strange that often they lose memory for many recent things, but not for the obsession. We have to find ways to cope with the obsessions. Will you be able to find your mother a good geriatric doctor who understands dementia? That will be a big help.

Try not to be angry with your mother. That is easy for me to say, but I know it is so hard to do. We are only human and some of the things they do can add so much stress. People with dementia don't learn very well, though, so we have to learn things that work. For example, would your mother accept that your father is away at a meeting, so not available to answer her calls? We each know our parent best and can figure out ways to calm and distract them. There are also some medications that may help if they are needed.

So sorry that you are having to get on the dementia train with us. I am so grateful for the people here, because they know what we go through. It helps so much to have a safe place to vent and get some suggestions.

I can totally relate and I am also a nurse. While I have patience for my patients I have none whatsoever for my mother. She is 94 and like the Energizer Bunny with no end in sight! While she is still capable of doing her ADLs she can't lift a finger to do anything else. Instead she expects to be waited on hand and foot. I probably have done too much for her all these years (20+++) and now it is impossible to ask for help because she can't hear anything nor does she understand. I have always been there for her and therefore missed my opportunity to marry have children and my own life. I am paying the price because she expects me to take care of her until she dies! Well, at this rate that could be another 16 years!! I also have 2 siblings but they cannot be inconvenienced.

Ive been looking after my grandmother who was diagnosed with early onset dementia last year.Me and her live on the same property but in seperate homes.Ive been living out here since my mom passed away in 2004 from cancer.To say the least its been very very trying.My grandmother is a bit of a narcissit always has been.She does not respect bounderies and thinks that because we live on the same property she is entitled to be in my personal bussiness as well as my husbands.She has stolen our mail she opens our mail she constantly is telling other family members lies about me and my husband.Last Nov she had asked me to help her clean out her freezer.This is a large standing upright freezer that is packed full.I should also mention she is a hoarder.Me and her went through all the stuff in the freezer most of it had to be thrown out.Apparently she was also keeping money in there which once the job was done I got accussed of taking it.To say the least this turned out to be a fiasco.She had called her son and told him that I had stolen the money.He comes out here tries to force his way into my home screaming at me "why did i take her money"Why did I want to clean out her freezer""You better give it back you little fucking bitch"Im in a bit of shock cause this is just off the hook.Me and him ended up in a physical fight over this.My grandmother then joins in ts and slaps me in the face saying your going to jail.So now Im in panic mode.Ive never been in trouble with the police my husband was out of town for work and i was just grabbed by the throat and thrown to the ground and kicked by her son only to get up and get slapped by her.So I just left and went to a friends house.The money was found in her in house in front of the police thank god.They dropped the charges but the state picked it up and I ended up paying $200.00 for a anger management class on a disorderly conduct charge.My grandmothers son called to have adult protective services come out to investigate for elder abuse.They found no signs of any kind of abuse and the case was closed.So it was after this incident that she was diagnosed with dementia.She has been making more and more accusations of theft.Things like battery charger she was convinced my husband took it.He finds it in her house on a shelf with some other tools.She was convinced he stole her hand truck he goes out to her shed and there it is shows her and then she thinks that he hid it and then brought back to make her look crazy.Shes accussed both of us of stealing her dollhouse kits and swears she has dolls missing and we took these items and sold them to the mexicans.She has a 1500 sq ft building that is packed floor to ceiling there is only a little path to get through.She collects Barbies she has something like close to 10.000 of them they are all packed up in boxes and stacked.Her son is also convinced of this as well.But he goes along with whatever she says right or wrong.She denies that we have given her money at times she denies that we have done anything at all to help her.It is absolutely infuriating.This last weekend Oct2 was her birthday me and my husband and a cousin with her family came down and we all took her out to lunch everything was good and fine.Next day not so good and fine.I was taking her to go and pay her bills and take her gorcery shopping.She started in with her bull about how my husband hasnt done anything around the property.Which i retorted you just hold up there a minute dont you start .She then proceeds to tell me a thing or two and she has her finger right in my face just going off.I slapped her hand away and then all hell broke loose.She starts hitting me in the face while im driving yelling that you stop this car and ill drive you can walk home you ungrateful bitch.She has demacular degeneration she cant drive but oh yeah we,re going back home.We get back I get out to unlock the gate she takes the keys and gets in to drive she threw my purse out which everything in it scatters calls me a bitch again.I tell you think your gonna take off ill call the cops and have you stopped old woman.She ended up just driving the car in to the property.So then yeah im pissed and not being very nice I asked just what the hell did i do to you she replies just what i thought you did but you didnt.She is referring to the previous incident.See somehow someway im still guilty even though im not.Because of that incident i want nothing to do with her son peroid.I never got an apology from either one of them they seem to think that i should let bygones be bygones.I dont think so at least not with him.So basically her little outburst was because her son wasnt invited to go to lunch with us.Which I never said he couldnt come but i heard her talking on the phone to him and she told him no that shed hear about it later.She scartched up my face pretty good in the struggle i grabbed her arms to make her stop and i scratched her arm pretty good when she tried to break free.

I,m now worried what kind of is gonna happen now.I told her though that we,re done your son can take it from here.He hasnt done anything for her since i,ve been out here.In fact he disowned all of us twice didnt see or hear from him for a couple of years and one day poof hes back.Her son was pissed as hell when me and my husband moved out here.My mom was very adament about him not having anything to do with this property .Mom thought she was in control but grandma somehow made sure that she had total control over all of it.I know that my grandmother did not give me all that I was suppose to get a good part she gave to him.In fact she wouldnt even put loving mother on my moms headstone just beloved daughter.Because the control freak she is she had made my mom get a divorce and then demanded custody of me.This woman all my life has always threw it in my face that she took care of me because my mom didnt want me.Dementia or not this old woman is evil and i just hope we can get moved before something else happens.I do apologize if I come off a b^tch im not proud of how i have handled some things but she knows the buttons to push

ciaobaby, it is very clear that you have absolutely no concept of how to deal with an old woman with dementia. Her son has even less of a concept. Accusing people of stealing is a very common symptom of the disease -- it is not an indication that she is evil. If she was narcissistic to start with her outrageous behavior is to be expected.

Does that mean you have to put up with it? Certainly not. Figure out how you and your husband can move and do it as soon as possible. Before you go, call APS, tell them that Grandmother is a vulnerable adult with dementia, she needs help, but you cannot provide it and you are moving.

Ciao, I have to agree with Jeanne. There is clearly too much history with this woman for you to be an effective and compassionate caregiver for her.

I do apolagize I went into to much there.I do agree with your comment though.I didnt know at the time when she accused me of taking her money that it was a part of dementia or at least a common thing that happens.I do know that now however.Me and my husband are in the process of moving.Yes there is a lot of history between me and her.Its just very frustrating and sad that it has to be this way.But im at my wits end so be it i guess.I told her that im sorry you feel the way you do but im not going to engage anymore with it.Its not worth it.I tried.

IT's very interesting some people's frustration with handling someone with dementia. It takes a very humble attitude to deal with this. The person with it does NOT understand what they are doing...and that's the key.

I'm fortunate enough to be here for my mother suffering with dementia. She had very low self-esteem as a young woman, befriended just about everyone she met and tried to give us the best life she could.

But she never got over my dad divorcing her.

When my brother died, I started noticing signs then but I had no idea what dementia was, let alone even how to check for something of that nature.

It was when my dad died that it became apparent that there was really something wrong in her responses.

One day my sister came up from NC with her daughters and we went to McDonald's to buy my mom something sweet. When my niece's husband came in with the shake, my mother got very upset yelling: "I ain't ask for this! I always get the big one! I don't want this thing!"

Eventually, the noise made behind that made her burst into tears and she stayed emotional until she got a bigger one. I knew then something wasn't right.

Recently, I have had to turn down a higher paying job...this after going through a divorce myself, and my single life is on halt. I watch her anywhere from 12-14 hours a day, cooking all her meals for her, cleaning the bathroom behind her all day and constantly being on alert that once I drop her off, I may have to stop what I'm doing to retrieve her from her walking voyages she took all the time and still does.

I could be selfish and say I no longer have a life...but I do. It's looking after my mom just like she did me for so many years.

Maybe I don't have a beautiful woman in my life to look after me, to rub my back when it hurts from all the work I do, not being able to even pay some bills I need to because of not being able to pull another job...or whatever freedoms I've lost...and this is where many people get frustrated.

It's a VERY hard thing to except to think you no longer have the freedoms you worked so hard for in life.

Imagine how they felt when you were born...it was a 16-18 year sentence of love that got you here and on your feet.

Maybe things will get better...maybe not. But as long as I have a breath in me, she needs me now. I have siblings who don't help much at all and can't because the temperament they display would concern me. So since I'm the only one, so be it.

Maybe God knows I'm the one he choose for this assignment until he gives me something different. I'll survive.

Both my parents have dementia but my mum is much worse than Dad,they are still living independently or that's what they think they are doing...
I was so close to Mum and we shared everything and did everything together, I miss her so much. I'm hating myself right now because I hate this horrible woman who has taken my sweet Mumma, all she does is argue and snipe at me when I try to do anything. I am their main caregiver which I don't mind but my feelings of anger at them and self loathing of me is making my life awful. I still have other family commitments with grandchildren and children and a constant houseful of people. Please someone tell me I'm normal, I can be so mean

LizzyLost, you sound so normal to me. Even the sweetest person can be tested when dealing with parents with dementia. It takes a lot out of people, both the people who have it and their families. We suffer along with them. It makes me long for the old days when people did not go through this very often. I hope that the treatments for Alzheimer's that are being developed work so that people won't have to go through this in the future.

I found this post and signed up because I can relate so much. My husband and I live with my mother and father. Mom is 82 and had dementia (moderate).

Most days, I feel like I'm going to go mad with the tapping, weird noises, non-stop talking, refusals to wash her hands, the same questions over and over and over...

Then afterwards, I feel so guilty because I know she doesn't mean to annoy or hurt me; she's sick. I feel so bad that I desire to get away from her so badly... I know I'll want this time back when she's gone... And yet I can't deny she still drives me crazy.

I have an 'emergency list 'of things to distract her with: funny cat videos on YouTube, putting on a show she likes, asking her to hand me simple things, giving her bubble wrap to pop (if I can tolerate the sound), putting on some of her favorite music, playing hangman - just some examples. But it still wears me out and I have my own disability struggles with mental illness (depression and anxiety) AND we're renovating to move into a smaller, more affordable house... So her behavior is getting more intense and my stress levels are beyond what I thought I could ever survive. 

I don't want to be so angry and lacking in compassion... :(  and this is very very hard. You're not alone. 

People here know how you feel. I think of Job in the Bible and think how patient he was and think, "Yeah, but he didn't have to take care of someone with dementia." I think Job might have even been angry.

I wish I could be perfect and patient, but honestly I don't think people weren't built for this type of long-term hardship.

I have had my 80 year old mom since Nov 2016. My mom steals the house phone and wraps it in kleenex and hides it in her purse along with the TV remote that she doesn't know how to use, and thinks it's a phone too. She is very nosey, hiding behind doors and in the hallway to hear conversations, sneaking around, hiding food and our mail under her pillow or mattress. If I need or want to have a private conversation I have to go in my closet and close the door. She now thinks my house is one she bought, therefore moves my stuff and gets angry that my husband and I moved in and took over. I'm finding that my patience is wearing very thin and I feel guilty when I get upset with her. Her bathroom habits keep me very busy.  She wipes herself but then puts the tp in the trash and lately the poop too, which then leaves residue on the toilet. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Wow, Angelmommy57. Where was your mother living before you moved her in last November? Do you have any siblings?
Is there no other option for her other than living in your home?

CTTN55: I have 2 older sisters, one is in town but has her own issues with her kids, the oldest doesn't live here and never wanted any responsibility. My brother is in Oregon and rents a small home. .no room for mom. Mom had a  4 bedroom house near me that I packed on my own and sold in June. She is also a wanderer,  we added bottom locks to the front door and garage, but she discovered them.  As of this morning, my husband changed the 2 door knobs so I now have a wrist key that I wear so I can unlock to check mail etc. It's inconvenient but now I don't have to worry about her bolting out the door when I run to the bathroom. 

Dear Angelmommy57,

Sorry to hear about everything you are going through. Have you considered moving your mother into a nursing home or memory care facility?

I know you are doing everything you can, but its so hard.

Cdnreader: yes I have, it would make life easier, I'm just not there yet emotionally. She panics when I'm not around, so I'm afraid it would make her worse. I just have fear about doing it too soon. 😕

Oh Lord Jesus I pray for just some type of help with my patients and understanding of my mother's dementia I'm at the point of breaking so many days I just feel like quitting the meanness the anger the abuse mentally emotionally physically that her dementia Enders on me is so brutal, I have searched and searched for places that can help but I get no answers I'm a grandma to two young grandchildren I am raising so I have to work 5 days a week full time which by the time I get home at 5 p.m. My mom's already starting to hit her Sundowners Sundowners

Cyrams, does she have finances so you can get help? I have Home Instead gal coming 4 hours a day now twice a week just to give me breaks. Prayers for you.

Crams,
My local library has a Senior Guide that lists everything that a senior could want or need. Housing listings, assisted living, memory care, caregivers, Meals on Wheels and other food needs, day care for seniors, etc. Maybe you could get a booklet at your local library.
Would she financially qualify for Medicaid? Do you belong to a church that could send a couple of volunteers during the week to be with her? What does her family doctor say? Maybe he would have some suggestions.

Dear, you sound like you are stretched way too thin, with your mother and 2 granddaughters. You need to give up some responsibilities. Sounds like your mother would and should be the first to go. Nothing wrong with that. You are only one person taking on the weight of the world. Maybe a social worker at the health insurance company or local hospital would have some suggestions. Don't hesitate to call them.
Good luck and God bless you for taking on such responsibility.