My Mom lives a mile away at my sister's. My sister does quite a bit for Mom (brothers nothing at all). I work 4 days/week and take Mom on all my days off as I want to share the responsibility. It's hard, though, because Mom knows the days I am not working and books me for everything without even asking (doctors appointments, hair dresser, shopping...) Today I was planning a respite day for myself as I had to work extra days this weekend and will have her for the next 3 days. She called and asked me to run her errands - 5 stops in all. Nothing emergent, just stuff she wanted done (she doesn't drive). For the first time in months (years?) I declined, told her I had too much to do. In truth I sat on the deck in the sun and read a book that's been sitting on my nightstand since Christmas. I feel a twinge of guilt but honestly think this may be a bit of a breakthrough. I think it's ok to say no sometimes.
It doesn't matter if the towels are folded just right as long as they are clean because you can take them out of a laundry basket & use them without them ever sitting on a shelf - help come in many forms - eg. the brothers could even take on the gardening at the sisters' places or home maintenance to free up time on the sisters' roster if they find themselves incapable of directly helping their mom but generally it is just excuses as they expect sis to pick up the slack
This doesn't come easy to anyone but women generally see a job that needs to be done & do it whereas men don't see that job at all - sometimes men just need to be awakened to what is necessary - I mean that the sons help & not that they pawn it off on their wives because this is their mom/dad when all is said & done
In addition to caring for my Mom, I work as a Pediatrician and so have quite a bit of insight into women's lives. In any given day, 85% of people who bring kids to see me are Moms - regardless of how many hours they work in and outside of the home. It seems to me this caregiver gender role imbalance is very clearly still in place as we care for our aging parents.
I think it might be that there was an unexpected dark side to the Women's Movement. Of course, it gave us a tremendous amount of opportunity and I am eternally grateful for the women who came before me and faught so hard. With that opportunity, though, came a lot more social and financial responsibility. And here it is... the problem with the Women's Movement is that there was not a corresponding and equal Men's Movement. As women took on more responsibilities outside of the home, men didn't for the most part pick up the domestic slack. Of course, there are wonderful exceptions but from my view point, spending my days talking with Moms (and now fellow elderly parents caregivers) as I do, these aren't all that common.
I'm 52 and think of myself as in a kind of cusp generation. Not really a Baby Boomer, not exactly Gen X either. My peers and I have seen a lot of change in our lifetimes. When I was a kid, most Moms were home - working Moms weren't common - their children were "latch key kids" (when was the last time you heard that one?). For me, though, there were very different expectations. It wasn't a matter of would I go to college and have a career - it was a matter of which one? So I happily went along, preparing myself for a productive life as a physician, married along the way and then BAM! - kids came into my life. I had no idea how to balance work and kids - had no role model. I had to, in effect, be both my mother AND my father.
In those early days, my husband spent a lot of time fishing. Yes, I did learn to let him know what I needed him to do and yes when prompted he did step up to the plate but really?? Do men really need a list?
In the past few years, as my kids have moving slowly toward independence, my parents (just Mom now) have started the slow slide toward total dependence. Again, I find myself at the helm in providing care, and when I look around what is see for the most part is other women doing the same. It's not hauling strollers and car seats around in parking lots any more - now it's cane and walkers. It doesn't really feel that different.
So yeah, Moecam, right on with the #youtoo. Sign me up.