Mom is back in the hospital. I talked to her for awhile. She is still in the ER with the same symptoms. I told her that I have to go to work tonight because we are really busy. She said that’s ok. I left a message for her primary doctor to call me back.
My husband’s grandma was like that. She drove everyone nuts! I learned to tune her out. She had to have some sort of mental illness but she refused to see a psychiatrist. She would always say that she couldn’t help how she felt.
We tried to tell her that medication may help her but she was not willing to try. So, she lived her life in complete misery and drove her husband nuts. Divorce wasn’t common then. He was devout Catholic and would not get a divorce. Sad. Her famous line was that no one understood her.
It would have killed you had you continued to constantly give her all of your spare time. As it is, she causes you enough grief.
I do understand because we would like nothing more than to think the absolute best of them but when parents won’t cooperate they leave us no other choice but to set boundaries.
What always killed me was they truly can’t see that they cause their own grief. They blame everyone else. They won’t accept responsibility for their stubbornness. Some elderly people can be nonconformist.
Your number one responsibility is yourself and your own family.
I keep hoping and praying that it will turn around for you. Looks like it will take a miracle for that to happen! She is frail but tough at the same time, isn’t she? I hope I never get like that. I don’t ever want to be a burden to my kids.
Your mom is relentless. Isn’t she? It’s emotionally exhausting to deal with all of her issues.
I am glad that you aren’t running over there every five minutes. You couldn’t survive if you did that. You would have no life of your own if you continuously catered to all of her needs.
I wish that she would surrender and accept that she truly needs to be living in a facility.
My mother had stopped driving at night, but when she felt she had a UTI, instead of going during the day she would call for ambulance, then much later call YB for a ride home. You know how it is in the ER, it takes time to get seen if you aren't bleeding all over the place or in cardiac arrest, so it would be in the wee hours!
This was before dementia. I tried to explain to her that this isn't an emergency and she's taking services away from someone who might need it. Her response? My insurance pays for it. AUGH!
Any thoughts or heard anything about perhaps getting her some anti-anxiety meds, if she would take them? If I recall correctly, there was something suggested for Afib, but she declined - if so, she may refuse any medications. If she's in a more lucid frame of mind, perhaps someone can explain that this could solve her "breathing" problem.
I was wondering how long it would be before they would refuse to see her. The problem with this (NOT your problem) is what happens when she really does need help? One of our UK friends has a dad who uses the docs/ambulance service to elicit reaction/sympathy from his son, but I don't think your mother is doing this - for some reason she is having anxiety attacks and those CAN make it feel like you can't breathe! Problem though, in both cases, is if/when they refuse to see them - I understand it is using up their capabilities, for naught most of the time, but that time will eventually come! Did they even offer any anti-anxiety meds to your mom?
Instead of trying to talk with APS on the phone, can you set up an appt with them? In person might be a better way to approach this. Write down a list of all the issues (medical and physical), and if possible print copies of the mess, and anything else that applies, like her refusal to move to AL or have help come in, plus the comments from that person in the FD about the house, both times!
Provide the list, tell them every doctor and other medical provider says she is competent, yet now refuse to see her if she's having trouble breathing (anxiety or not.) Try to be calm while relating the details, if the list isn't sparking any interest. Don't be surprised if you don't even elicit a raised eyebrow, but if you can provide that list and try to remain composed while providing more details, they might not look at you as being the problem... Sometimes easier said than done, but at least try.
I haven't dealt with them, but I have read the ho-hum responses others have related. I suspect more than likely the "competent" is going to have a huge impact, and then their hands are tied too - they can go there, assess things, make suggestions, but if she says no, as she has to the SW and doc, they will tidy up the report and close it.
Be prepared for that - don't let their apathy or tied hands (they can't really do any more than the doc/ER) upset you. If you DO gain ground, great! You can rejoice. ALL of this just may have to wait for that inevitable fall or other medical crisis.
(To add a little more perspective:
The staff in mom's MC told me they can't force any residents to take meds, go to ER, get medical treatment, and these people DO have dementia! Even the EC atty told me we couldn't force mom to move, even though she had dementia! So, given they all say mom is competent, you are fighting a huge losing battle! This is all about an individual's "rights", competent or not. As with so many things in life, the pendulum swings completely one way and then the other, it can't find the middle ground. This leaves many of us between the proverbial rock and a hard place.)
I cry too. It is part of healing. Well, a natural part of our emotions.
You are stronger than you think you are. All of us know that and can see it. You have dealt with so much and held up. I don’t know that I could have held it together. The hoarding would have driven me crazy. I hate clutter.
I hope that things will turn around as soon as the can. I’m so sorry that you have to put up with all that you do.
A quote about detaching with love from https://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Detaching-With-Love-from-a-Borderline-or-Narcissist-27
"Detaching with Love" is your own version of that saying. (A crisis on your part does not necessarily mean a crisis on my part.) It does the same thing: keep your own life from becoming a series of BPD-related crises. In this case it means, "I care about you, but I recognize that you must make your own choices in life. I can love you, but I can't live your life for you. I can point you in the right direction, but I can't push you down the path."
Our love and prayers are with you.
need - I have had a flood of memories this week and some tears with them. It is all part of healing.
I get that. I have things that I will take to my grave about my brother because he was my brother. So I totally respect your privacy.
It’s odd, isn’t it? Sometimes we are able to talk about certain things. Other times, I can’t say a thing. I am overwhelmed with memories and I am afraid to take the cork off.
That’s when I always go for a long walk or something physical. I’ve always done that. There is something to the release of endorphins. It was a Godsend for me to ride my bicycle for miles.
I was never the mom who sat on the bench at the playground with my kids. I climbed more trees, would swing next to them, went down more slides, etc.
Maybe I was still a kid at heart. Or maybe a second childhood of sorts because so much of my childhood was stolen due to my brother.
My favorite way to chill out is a nice hot bath. I’ve always found it fascinating watching documentaries about other places to live and have been so envious of people who live in areas with hot springs to relax in.
There is something about water too. I heard a psychologist say once that warm water is like a warm hug. I agree! I have always joked that in a past life I was a mermaid!
My favorite Mardi Gras costume as a kid was a Gypsy. I was a dreamer. I loved Geography in school, learning about different places and would dream of moving around like a gypsy did! Hahaha
I think all of us who were raised by perfectionist mothers have a rebellious side! Hahaha. Remember the movie, Chocolat?
Oh my gosh! I could have been the lead character in that movie. I so relate to how she lived. Who wouldn’t have fallen in love with the river rat gypsy? Johnny Depp should have had a bigger part in that movie 😊.
Enough rambling, sorry...
Thank you, need and you are welcome. I didn't feel the need to apologize but to add some context. As I said, I debated with myself about including that story, I guess out of respect for the woman that my mother was. Although she had BPD, she still accomplished some good things in her life. However, as much as the BPD and the good things were part of her life, so were the bizarre things. I tend to be pretty open when sharing. I really prefer reality and the truth as far as I can recognize it, knowing others may benefit from hearing my truth and reality. That being said, there are some stories I would not share.
elaine - I don't want to hijack your thread. If your mother has BPD you have been emotionally abused since childhood and may have PTSD from those experiences. For me it has helped knowing what others go through. Please keep us updated about your mother and yourself and how you are coping. I think you are doing very well.
Please don’t ever apologize. Your genuine input is so refreshing to me. I actually love how you don’t water things down. I relate to that. Having been through struggles too I don’t feel so alone or strange knowing that others had similar feelings to mine about family members. Your postings helped put things in perspective for me. So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
elaine - I would say then that your mother has BPD. Mother only talked of suicide 2x. The first time when she has extreme sciatic pain in her mid 90s and the second time as I mentioned before - around 101 when her paranoia and delusions were well developed. The med they eventually gave her was Risperdal, an antipsychotic and it helped her a lot at the time. A little later she got an antidepressant - can't remember which one off hand. It also helped her until she was about 6 months before passing and then neither helped anymore I guess her brain was just too broken from the vascular dementia.
Treatment for BPD is not considered to be very successful but it involves antidepressants and therapy. The psych in the hospital after the aborted flight east said therapy was pointless at her age as she was too set in her ways. Some how the antidepressant got lost in the mix. In the geripsych hospital they gave her risperdal for the paranoia and delusions which came from the vascular dementia and it calmed her down very well. Then the antidepressant helped her to be more content, Before going to the geripsych hospital she had had some pretty strange delusions - people were poisoning her food to give her dementia, there was poison gas coming out of the vents in the ceiling, she had been abducted and taken to the Salvation Army and had her sex glands removed (this one to our embarrassment she told people at church) and more. Risperdal got rid of those.
Looking back, for mother the first sign of dementia was paranoia. She tended to be a bit paranoid anyway but it got worse, Because she was "weird" anyway it was harder to see the onset, but I think it started in her around age 96. The next one was mistakes with her finances. She was always very careful about her finances. But she lasted another 10 years and was only diagnosed with dementia around 101.
Has your mother ever had a neuropsych eval? It would be good for her to have one. Incidentally, even in the geripsych hospital they would not deem mother incompetent, though they gave me authority over her meds as she was refusing to take them. I gave them permission to hide the meds in her food but she spotted it every time. and wouldn't eat that item. Finally after 9 months the delusions got so bad she agreed to the meds.
Mother had a history of high blood pressure which was mostly controlled in between times but got out of hand from time to time when she was upset/angry, which was fairly often. She never actually had a stroke but must have had tiny ones which damaged the blood vessels in her brain.
I am so glad you have some supportive people around you.
Anyway, I'm glad you shared this story with Elaine *and with all of us* because it's very inspirational on so many levels. Thank you.
You are one tough cookie. Many would have fallen apart by now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Things will turn around and you can resume a ‘normal’ life. Really happy that you have a supportive husband and son. That helps. You have all of us too.
Stay strong and take care 💗.
I have been revisiting the decision I made in my 20s not to cut contact with my FOO (family of origin) and wondering if I made the right choice. Once when I was about 40 and mother had been particularly difficult/unpleasant to me I cut off contact for a year. It gave me a break for a year but really she didn't change.
I know the pull to stay in the fray and do what you reasonably can so as not to leave your mother without any family resources. My sis never helped only criticized. The decision to stay and do the necessary is not an easy one but easier for many of us than cutting contact altogether; however, it comes with a cost. I guess there is a cost no matter which decision you make. Slowly over the years I detached more and more emotionally, and visited less and less. It was what I had to do for self preservation and allowed me to stay in there as POA financial and medical to see that mother and her affairs were looked after. I am healing some now as it is almost over (estate nearly finished and I have gone no contact with sis) and looking forward to a new life, even at my age. I will pray for you.