I don't wish this on anyone......elderly care.

I read these same things almost everytime I come on the site. No, there is no easy way to do anything when your a caregiver! You lose yourself in EVERY WAY..!!!! No.... you can't go to the store ,Dr's. appointments ( unless it's for your charge), ....anywhere! You are trapped, because you have empathy and respect for those who need your help....especially when there IS no one else. You spend all your time and I do mean all,.. just trying to keep your head above water physically, financially and mentally! Most of us doing this don't have the funds to hire extra help or find someone to come in so "We" can get a break.....! Who are some of you kidding! I hear things like it is a blessing to do this or you will be rewarded in the end...! Please ..., this is a thankless job, one that will suck the life out of anyone who doesn't have the support or means to "Do the hired help bit"!!! We have no help from any one of our family members, it's tearing us apart! We are in constant turmoil as to what we will do next, not to mention what might happen to my MIL's health. Her only daughter could give a rats*** about her wellbeing and that just enrages me further!!!!! I take a deep breath several times everyday, so I can cope with this endless situation.....! I have heard to many condescending comments here from some "seasoned caregivers", for those of us WHO GIVE EVERYTHING WE HAVE AND MORE, to do all we can for our family member! I like the comment "why don't you walk in my shoes for a week or two and see how you feel after" !! Maybe then those that THINK they know it all will think twice about how their comments offend those who are struggling just to get through the situation!!!! And I am positive there will be feedback on my comment as well, because the know-it-alls won't be able to resist..... Power to those that are struggling, I hear you loud and clear

Stressedmom, thank you for telling the truth on here. I have tried to do the same.

The worst part for me is that I no longer even like my Dad. I have Mom and Dad both. People outside the family think Dad is wonderful, such a sweet man. To us he is just plain demanding and mean and very self centered. I grew up loving my Dad and now I don't. He has sucked it all out of me over the last 8 years with him in our home. Mom is the one who requires care. She is totally disabled but mentally alert. Dad is going downhill now but still able to care for his personal needs. He still drives and goes "to the store" (bar) every day. The one thing I have learned from this is I WILL NOT LET MY CHILDREN DO THIS FOR ME. I want to go into assisted living or a nursing home, whatever, I will NOT live with them. I want them to still love me when I die, not be overjoyed that I'm gone.
I hate these feelings but don't know how to make them go away.

I guess I am a 'seasoned' caregiver, having buried my mom after years of Dementia care and my refrain is:
Make better decisions than I did and don't do this. It has the huge potential to ruin your life, your health, your finances, everything.

I regret this and I am struggling to rebuild my life with ill health. I try and I try but I don't think I will ever be the same.

When I was in the trenches of caregiving, people would tell me about how I was 'earning my crown in heaven' and other such BS and it took everything I had not to choke them.

There is nothing right or just about doing this and I am still on this site because of the tremendous amount of support I received and still receive and my take on it is that if by what I write here has any effect on a new caregiver's choices I can at least take some comfort in that.

I am an advocate for placement. Do your homework, find the best place you can with the resources you have and continue to live your life in your own way.

Do not sacrifice your family and your health and your financial future.

It's bad enough that unhealthly aging and Dementia takes the patient but that it takes everyone and everything in its orbit in unacceptable.

Don't do what I did.

lovbob

Thanks for telling the truth, Lovbob. If I had known then what I know now, I would have left before I would have stayed way past my health, my financial resources and my sanity were worn down to nubs.

Hindsight, ain't it grand. I wish I had possessed "front sight". I'd never have allowed my mom to bully and guilt me into taking care of her. I'd have accepted that our lifelong, volatile relationship would never get better but be the detriment it indeed turned out to be. I'd have realized my sister, no matter how many times I begged her, wouldn't and couldn't help because mom had made her a spineless, gutless, emotional mess. I'd have done it ALL differently. And I will do it differently with myself and my husband when our time comes.
I so totally agree with Lizzie. I want my kids to love me still after I'm gone. I don't want them to keep waiting for those loving feelings and tears for my parting to come like I do for my mom. It is very sad to feel this way. I won't ever repeat anything like I went through with my mom for my husband and my kids.
I thank this site for helping me to see my errors and faults. I've learned to get informed from so many of you. I do not judge anyone because I've been judged and it doesn't feel good. I didn't have a good mother but in her attempt to break me, she helped me gain the strength to never again be bullied or abused as she did to me. The next time I am called upon to caregiver, it'll be with love and knowledge. I can't and won't do it any other way.

I can also relate and feel the pain, the stress of it all, and the lack of family/friends support. My only solace is coming to work and spending a lot of time in prayer. When I look around and hear the news, then I console myself with the fact, that if this is the cross I have to bear, then I must do it. At least I still have my mom, and we still have our home. When I hear sad news like the tornadoes and/or bombings, my perspective becomes renewed and I am strengthened to carry on a bit longer. There will be a workshop next month, hopefully, this will benefit someone. God bless and stay encouraged.

The Beauty of Caregiving
Sisters4Sisters, Inc.
Saturday, June 15, 2013 from 10:00 AM to 12:00 PM (EDT)
Bowie, MD

One sad outcome of this for me is I don't want to live beyond 75. With all that I've seen, the thought of this type of suffering is more than I can bear for myself. Both parents with dementia, both almost unable to walk, both sick constantly. Who would want to live on like this? I don't think my personal will to live will is that strong. I hope I'm still able to walk out on the ice.

Maybe it's not being being a caregiver that really bothers us.....I think it's the fact that we see how our parents have aged and now they are sick and weak. We wish for our 'younger years' when times were simpler and happy. It's almost like we are mad at our parents for getting old. Life is a cruel process......getting old is terrible. The way the body deteriorates is sickening.......who wants to live past 75 or 80.....what quality of life is there? Getting old sucks!

The worst part of this whole thing is dealing with death. It's something really hard to take. That's all life is about......problems and grief. Happiness is brief and the rest of our lives are filled with trouble and unrest. Think about it...it's true. The only real reward we will all have in the end is death......peace will finally come......and that's scary to think about.

I appreciate what you are saying but getting old and dying is part of the life cycle. We can become nostalgic for our youth but our rational minds understand that there is no going back.

I wasn't angry at my mom for being old, I was angry that I got trapped into doing something that made no sense. And what made less sense is that I did it.
If I was angry at anyone, I was angry at myself for not standing up for what is just and right.

If we think that the only peace we will have on earth is when we die we are sick with what we are dealing with and have to change it.

In my humble opinion death is not a reward or where there is peace. Death is just dead.

Don't drink the KoolAid Roscoe.

lovbob

Roscoe888, it's not about a fear of death. It is being sick of being exploited, taken advantage of, being kicked, hit, losing teeth, needing knee surgery after being beaten by her walker. It has everything to do with reaching the end of your rope and finding out the person you're caring for is busy chewing off the other end so you will fall. It's about being overburdened with no appreciation. WE are not mad at our parents for getting old. THEY are! And they take out their violence and abuse on us.

going back to post 45ish where FED UP makes the comparison to those who say its like raising a kid....oh hell no....fedup could not of described it better...declining rather than flourishing in every aspsect.... I want to just lafff and say are you kidding when i hear that...how can an intelligent person even make that comparison....then i have to breathe...and smile and comeback with a suttle hint.... "ya but the diapers are a just a wee bit bigger, hahaha" what else are ya gonna do?

and ABOVE^^about how they say "oh your such a good daughter, you will be rewarded" your going to heaven" I should hope so i have lived in hell for long enough!!! but that doesn't make anything anybetter on a daily basis...our health finances and sanity souls are slowly sucked from us like leach on a heal. life doesn't exist anymore and no heaven will ever make us the same person!!! The more posts of yours BOBbie321 i see I so agree with you and love the way you put things... there is no BS! I would not ever have taken this on had I known what it would do to me...I was so mad at an aunt who said i was crazy for doing it....timing was the issue tho it was at dads funeral, and i hadn't seen her in 25 ys, i thought what does she know, its my mom, she took care of you for gods sake! anyway we are good compassionate caring people being screwed by the system, in my case my mom didnlt railroad me, it just kinda was instinct to take over n had no idea what i was getting into!!
Love n strength to you all!!!

i mean its like you put X number of years of hard labor of love and nurturing plus the toll...and in the end the result is they are dead are you life is devastated! and in my case will be my only family member left will be gone, no siblings children,essentially I am alone! that is not a reward I am looking forward to either
There is no reward but knowing you are doing the best you can with what you are delt and trying to do the right thing, knowing your moral fiber is titanium, is what keeps you from losing it, that's all it is a temporary comfort in a time of need!!!

Roscoe,

It's been 25 hours and we're worried about you.
Please check in.
If you don't agree with us tell us to go pee up a rope but let us know you're ok.

You really touched a common nerve here and folks want to respond and tell their stories.
That's huge Roscoe! Thank you for creating this thread!

lovbob

Sending every single one of you hugs, peace, hope, strength and healing.

bobbie321......I'm still here......I'm okay.......each day is the same.......the same doldrum. My life is at a standstill........the curse continues.

Roscoe, are you sleeping at all?

Rosco...my mom's sister never had children...I spent a lot of time with her as a child and so did my kids when they were young........she lived in a tiny house on a half acre and mowed it by hand....she was well liked by all her neighbors even though she was a bit opinionated and stubborn....all her neighbors had passed away or moved away and her home was deteriorating and she had a very low income and it was becoming hard for her to maintain her yard and home. After years of talking with her about selling the house she finally conceded and sold her home and moved into a senior facility near my husband and I...that was in 2003...she was still driving and did great....over the next 9 years she slowed down and her memory was getting worse......my mom (her sister) is 9 years younger and lived 60 miles away and drove also and would visit often....their visits became strained and my aunt started being very mean and disrespectful to my mom in ways I won't go into now so Mom had to stop visiting......my husband and I also work full time with a 2 hour commute.....in 2010 things came to a head....we were fed up with our long commute and large home and decided to sell and move closer to my Mom and work....we told her one year in advance that this was going to happen and we wanted her to move up there into a facility....she refused.....so we left her there with nobody to help her....6 months after we moved I brought her here and found a great AL apt....that lasted about a year....her dementia got worse and she started wandering, refused to go to the dr. for exam, started becoming anxious, hallucinations, and verbally abusing staff....so now she is in an AL with memory care.....My mom no longer drives so now I have her to take care of....neither one of them lived with me, but I am there for them, grocery shopping, Dr. appts, dentist, pay all their bills, deliver diapers, snacks, flowers, make sure the facility is taking care of her and take my mom to see her sister on average, once a week and hold a full time job and keep up two homes plus my Moms.......sad, that when my aunt passes, it will be my moms turn....then when she passes, it will be mine...hopefully I will check out before I get that old and sick and demented......I am an only child so no help or abandonment by siblings (don't know which is worse)....mom is 87 and auntie is 95......I guess it comes to a point when you can't do it all anymore....you must take that time for yourself, as long as they get what they need, it doesn't hurt to say no. It isn't easy to say no (plenty of tears and shouting) but we deserve to have a life too....do they get the care that you would give them, no, do they want to live in AL, no but I found my limit......mom is still in her home, but now she doesn't drive and is becoming more frail and has fallen a couple times, so she isn't far behind her sister in needing care.....so I see about 10 more years of caregiving in my future....4 years I will have my 30 years in and will retire....that is about the time mom will need help....big repeat, and I will not be in any shape to handle that business mentally or physically.....will just have to deal with it as it comes and set boundries....oh, and did I mention I was married...yeah, he resents the time I have to spend taking care of them....we have only been married 11 years....oh, and did I mention both the girls asked me never to put them in a nursing home..ugh...Mom took her Mom in for 7 years until she died at 97...hopefully AL doesn't count :) and Aunt will be so confused in a year (when she runs out of money) she won't know she is in a nursing home.....

I'm sleeping decent at night......that's the only 'escape' I get.....when I fall in a deep sleep......the trouble seems to go away. Taking care of my mother consumes me totally each day......then I get on the guilt trip about it being the 'right thing to do'. But, at the same time......where do we draw the line? Is it okay and expected for the son/daughter to quit their job to take care of the parent? No......it's not okay.....but I'm doing it. Is it fair to have this elderly person's care totally consume your life? Again, where is the line drawn? In my opinion, some of these old folks expect to be cared for.........hand and foot.......at any expense......they cannot fathom the effect it has on the one caring for them. It's actually a 24 hour a day commitment.......you have to live that lifestyle......it engulfs you.....it sickens you.....it drains the life out of yo a little each day. I'm tired of it all.

oh ROSCOE I feel ya! I am right there on the edge! ALL I CAN SAY IS HANG IN THERE, TRY TO FIND A SHRED OF FAITH AND HOLD ON TIGHT! AND KEEP WRITING, AND READING!!! I FEEL LIKE A LUNATIC BUT IT IS SAVING ME! YOU ARE AMONG KINDRED SOULS HERE, I BELIEVE THIS MORE N MORE EVERYDAY! yes the caps were on purpose, for the good!

I have an interesting thought question. I agree about sleep, it is my only respite. seems to ok for me, some issues now n then but not bad lately, I don't dream much tho anymore..hmmmm?? But....When I was really really low point couple weeks ago I experienced this weird feeling sensation when I would wake up I was extremely disoriented for the first few minutes, unable to determine what day it was, where I was, was mom still alive or not, had my world caved in yet or not? I truly would have to sort this out! it was the strangest feeling ever, besides an actual panick attack I had once,many many years ago, b4 mom, anyway I am curious about this, anyone have similar experiences???

Roscoe, Can't tell you how many times I've said those same words! You aren't alone here ever!!! I found this site when I thought I would go crazy because of the time, expense, and mental drain it was costing!!! Being able to vent and get feedback from people who were and are in the same boat, was a huge help for me! I had thought too, that this not what I thought my "Golden" years would be like...EVER!! Just so you know it has been 6 years now and counting, and that dosen't include the ones before that have passed away. That was just last year. I know it's hard, so very hard, but you do have us here to back you up or talk with when you need to...! Your a good person and you ARE strong, there are those who couldn't do 1/16th of what we have done. Fight the good fight, your a trooper!! Godbless hugs from one trooper to another.....

Writing is good and re-iterating reading is important too, start reading the caregiver burnout articles ,and anything for that matter, for good tips and tools...read others stories and threads. you will find someone somewhere with exact same emotions. you wont feel so alone, doesn't change the facts, but helps you understand what is going on and that you are not alone in your hell! Therefore....... cope better with time!

What do you people think when you hear........'your parents took care of you when you were young.......now it's your turn to take care of them'.........Comments?

I think this person feels holier than thou and hasn't got a clue what its like to be a burned out, nay incinerated caregiver.

Being a 'caregiver' totally engulfs your life. It takes you over and beats you down. There is nothing good about it, maybe at first you feel a sense of accomplishment because 'you're doing the right thing', but then you start thinking about things as times passes by.......you start to hate the whole process. The ones that need more attention and care.....that really drives you over the edge. I have siblings that offer no help.....just 'suggestions'.......they want their lives to be the same as always with no distractions, but I have to change my life completely. One 'reward' I will get when it's all said and done is that I will never see or speak to those siblings again.....I will have some peace in that respect. I don't like that my life is at a total standstill because of my new role of being a caregiver.

Goodness. My dad was discharged from Yale-New Haven Hospital with C-Diff which gave him the runs for a month. Luckily a doctor on duty on the weekend asked me how many antibiotics is he on. I said -- three. He said take him off all of them and I will put him on methodozaline. The runs stopped right away. I was ready to put him in a home. Then I called the church and asked if anyone would be willing to stay with him after I went back to work. A man asked if it would be okay if I hired a man and I said-- even better he has to wash and dress him. I called the church back and they said he was very conscientious. So my dad paid him hourly and he stayed for almost two yrs. After a yr and a half my dad's feeding tube was removed. After my dad was better, my caretaker stayed until finally I did not need him anymore. He mostly read books and said it was the best job he ever had. Now when I see him at church I always tell him how much he was appreciated and I told his sister and mother too. What a Godsend. My dad passed away in 2002 but I will never forget Anthony. I recently told the new Pastor how grateful I was for Anthony. Please get help from a church, social services or whereever you can.

Thank you for a very helpful idea, Sherah.