Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
It sounds totally unexpected, and of course it's a shame you did not get to spend time with her and be the support to her that you might have been, but under the circumstances...well, even if you had known, could you/would you have been able to drop everything and do what you wish you had? (Bear in mind this is from another working mom type who is too busy to have friends, and that's gone on for longer than I'd care to admit!)
MMSE info from Wikipedia: Any score greater than or equal to 25 points (out of 30) is effectively normal (intact). Below this, scores can indicate severe (≤9 points), moderate (10-20 points) or mild (21-24 points) cognitive impairment.[9] The raw score may also need to be corrected for educational attainment and age.[10] Low to very low scores correlate closely with the presence of dementia, although other mental disorders can also lead to abnormal findings on MMSE testing. The presence of purely physical problems can also interfere with interpretation if not properly noted; for example, a patient may be physically unable to hear or read instructions properly, or may have a motor deficit that affects writing and drawing skills.
More info at http://www.getnhp.com/PDFs/ProviderPDF/Provider_Manual/Appendix/Tab%2013%20Mini%20Mental%20State.pdf
One other question: Who is going to be guardian? She definitely needs one, and I'd hope her son rather than her DIL would step up and take on that responsibility!
DEMENTIA TESTS: 3 main tests. Different yet similar….
1. Folstein aka Mini Mental State Exam (MMSE) - 30 point test. Takes about 10 - 20 minutes & looks at math, memory, orientation, basic motor skills. MMSE is copyrighted & needs training to do, so usually done by gerontology MD’s; MD’s,residents, student MD’s or trained staff @ teaching hospital; or nursing home with teaching hospital staff. Score is 27 or more=normal; 21-26 mild; 10-20 moderate; under 10 severe. Folstein has problems for bilingual persons.
2. Mini-Cog: a 3 item recall & a clock drawing test. 2 -3 minutes to do. Should not be used alone as a diagnostic. Some gerontologists do this at every appointment - done by medical assistant usually - and it goes in their file to look at changes over time and then either a MOST or MMSE annually.
3. Memory Orientation Screening Test (MOST): 1. Memory -3 word recall; 2. Orientation - to year, season, time, month etc.; 3. Sequential – memory for a list of 12 items; 4. Time – organization and abstract thinking using a clock face. Takes 5 - 7 minutes. Gives a score from 0 – 29. Highly reliable.
Other tests: If Frontotemporal dementia is suspected, can have an Addenbrooke’s Cognitive Exam done. Not all dementias are the same: orientation, attention and memory are worse in ALZ; while language skills, ability to name objects and hallucinations are worse in other dementia’s, like Lewy Body.
Data analysis found the MOST to be more reliable over time and more accurate in identifying cognitively impaired patients than either the Folstein Mini Mental State Exam or the Mini-Cog. The MOST also measures changes in a patient’s memory over time. This permits the doctor to identify progressive loss or positive responses to treatment.
Having a baseline tests done & repeated is really helpful to be realistic about what careplan to take. As over time you can evaluate if a medication or an activity is making a worthwhile difference. Same with scan on brain shrinkage & what part of the brain. Good luck and try to keep a sense of humor.
I'm so sorry about your friend. Hugs from All of Us!!!
I read the whole thread the other night - it is quite a read. Who needs fiction?
The MMSE assesses cognitive function, I believe, and the results do indicate some impairment - as the doc said - moderate Alz. I do hope this opens your husbands eyes to reality, and that home care is not appropriate. Stick to your guns, and apply those care giver skills to yourself. Everyone else does NOT have to come before you.Looks to me like some changes are happening.. Wonderful!!! A paranoid 90+year old woman with moderate Alz, and an absentee husband should not be ruling the roost.
and btw the best time between the sheets comes within a good relationship. :)
yes, let us know how your husband reacts to all of this
What does husband say about the medical report on his mother?
We all need to live in the NOW. I am sending you love and wishing the best for you. I hope you are making serious changes in your life. Don't continue to be a slave to your MIL or your husband.
Cattails
She may be talking to her children, packing things up as she previously mentioned; the possibilities are endless. I am keeping positive thoughts for her and, like everyone, will be happy when we hear from her.
Cattails
Either way, all of us are thinking of you. Whether you decide to stay with husband (please ensure you put some ground rules, though). Remember, your job is just as important to you as his job is to him. ...Or you decide that although you still love your husband, it's not an Equal relationship and therefore, you must move on with your life. Whatever you decide....know that we do still care for you and are anxious for any news. Take care!!
When she digs through the garbage, leave it on the floor. I know it's nasty, but leave her pads and such alone. Yes, it is unsanitary, but he needs to come in at the end of the day and you greet him with, "Great! Now that you're here, I can get started cooking while you clean up after your mother. She's been such a handful today I couldn't get to it all!" (Smile but shake your head as if overwhelmed - because: YOU ARE!)
What is the WORST thing you can imagine happening in that scenario? That your husband is going to pack up and leave you because his mother made the house a disaster? And he's going to do what with her? Take her along? Maybe hire a caregiver? Maybe put her in a home? So my point is that until he experiences this problem personally - right with his own hands picking up sopping pads or scooping garbage out of the kitchen floor - he has no reason to seek change. You're making it all better for him and for her, but the cost is much to high for you.
Good luck & please find the courage and strength to take care of yourself before you're in endangering yourself.
get legal aide to help you...you are being abused and you need to take him for half of what he is worth and get an alimony too.
I don't want to sound harsh because you are trying your best under horrible conditions. But there needs to be a responsible person and it looks like you are elected. Get MIL help, if hubby doesn't like it tough. Involve Social Services if you need to to get thru to him.
Your MIL isn't really your responsibility.....she's your husband's and he is definitely passing the buck! Contact your MIL's doctor and ask for an in-home evaluation; check with an omonbudsmen (spelling?), There is help out there but you will have to do it and I know that thinking about doing even one more thing seems impossible to do but your own health and well being ae at stake and you deserve more than you are getting.
Can any of your children help you with information gathering? Could/would they help even from a distance ....i.e. not coming into your home? Now is the time to not keep things private but to reach out - you will be surprised as to how many people/services there are out there for someone in your situation.
Good luck and keep us posted!