Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
God bless and keep you
I realize living in your parent's basement is not ideal, but I find it hard to believe that you would make their lives more complicated. You are a kind and caring person. How is it that you can do all you are doing, going through all you are going through and think that living in your parent's basement would be worse? There has to be more to that story.
I'm going to use a quote from one of your posts. "Sorry. I feel so sorry for her, like a stray animal with no home or protector." Ohio, do you realize that you are seeing yourself in your MIL? That quote is about you. It sums up your fears about you. You must feel the same about your parents. No home and no protector. Why? You couldn't protect yourself, you couldn't protect your children. So you will protect your MIL. It's like the final stand to find your worth. You are doing what you always wanted others to do for you. This started early in your life.
If you want to make the sessions count with your counselor, talk about this loss of protection. Love to you and know that I care. Cattails
That doesn't look like straight thinking to me. I hope you are asking yourself some of the very hard questions that have been suggested in posts here. And I hope you find some of the answers before you are dragged down any further.
with love, prayers and concern for you - joan
Ohio, please do not put any more of whatever money you have into your mil. You really need to prioritize your job into your busy schedule. Because this is something that you will need to fall back on when your husband decides that it's "time to move on".
FYI, the last I heard about married couples - they both share the bills. If he owes money, by default, you are also responsible. The same applies to Your Bills. I would check your bills, and any that has to do with the household or mil, he can pay for it since He Is Working! Ohio, you need to stop seeing with rose-colored glasses with regards to your marriage. Sometimes, Love is not enough to make a relationship work. I agree with Cat about therapy on why you seem to stay in abusive relationships. But at the same time, you really need to have a back-up plan NOW if and when your husband tells you he wants a divorce. Those dinners that he took you to? That's a "pacify" wife move. Sis ex-bf did that to her, too.
So what is your plan for your marriage. Do you think that if the guardianship takes effect, then his mom's money will be available and the things that are needed for him mom's care will be done. Then you will get back to work and hopefully get your career back on track and make your own money again. You will dig yourself out of the financial hole that your husband will not help you with, even though he can. Then you will lose weight and become the woman he used to want to make love too. Then he will stop getting it somewhere else and life will be good again.
I understand that you have compassion for his mother. I'm going to exclude the religious beliefs because I can't reconcile that with child abuse and adultery.
I think you are with another abusive man who is also unfaithful. He abuses you and his mother. Do you think he would stand by you if you were ill? He won't stand by you now.
You are a bright, lovely woman. What is it that makes you stay in an abusive situation. Stick with your counselor and focus on that issue. There is a reason and it's not religion, love or loyalty. You deserve more in your life. Sending you love, Cattails
I just find myself angry that your husband does not give you more support. You are the beaten dog that keeps trying to get two abusive owners to stop beating you. Or the person who wants to get one demented person and another self centered person to be reasonable.
It would be very hard for me to forgive my husband if he treated me the way yours treats you. It would be hard because it's a character issue. If it's not a character issue, then it's a mental issue, but something is wrong with your husband.
OK, so you are waiting for the bond to come in and you don't know the next step. Try to make a call and find out how long it takes for the bond to come in and then see if you can find out what the next step is. Don't depend on your hubby to follow through on things. For some reason, that doesn't feel safe to me.
Are you still going to the therapist? Did your husband ever go with you to a session? Have you continued to move more of your personal items from the home?
Please don't feel bad about getting angry with your MIL. You are only human. You are only human and you are living in very inhumane circumstances. Stay in touch with us.
Hugs, Cattails
Sorry to be so blunt, but that is how I see it. Are you in counselling?
HA! If left to her, they won't ever be done. She needs encouragement that it is worth the time to exercise her legs and arms - and I DON'T NEED ANOTHER RESPONSIBILITY ON MY PLATE!!! Or am I wrong to say this???
Then, the physical therapist feels he should be able to get her strong enough to be able to go up and down the porch stairs for someone to take her "out" 2x a week. Hmmmm...something else on my plate to do?
I already am losing money by not working the needed hours so my real estate career is going downhill fast. Oh yes, here is another one ...
for MIL to go to day care, she must be interviewed and analysis done on the level of care she will need. The rate is $51 to $71 per day, depending on that level of care. So, I want to set up that appt for my husband to take her - guess what? He refuses! Says he IS NOT missing any time OFF work, but he expects me to do so. What is wrong with this picture????
Then MIL gives away her car to her daughter, doesn't ask for a dime. Daughter is upset that her mom won't pay to have the title transferred. WHAT? Here a very nice florida low mileage car is given to you and YOU don't want to pay for the title transfer? What the heck?
I am told that this asset should NOT be freely given away, but sold with the money put away for future health care needs. When I speak out, my husband was in agreement - the car should not have been given away, especially angers me when this same daughter has not done much at all in taking care of her mother. I am now on one full year plus one month.
Now for a good note, my husband has taken me out to dinner twice this past week, while my step daughter has stayed here to care for my MIL. I had a really bad day this week, where I just could not continue to hear insults thrown at me, while I was on my knees, on kitchen floor, cleaning up spilled coffee with creamer - it was bad. My MIL is being obnoxious, standing right by me, asking me what state was I born in? I must be a hillbilly to scrub a floor that way. My parents sure didn't know how to raise a daughter or teach her things. At that point I lost it - I yelled at her - "shut up", every sentence she was throwing my way, I continued to yell back, "shut up, shut up". This went on for probably a couple minutes, where I finally just quit and walked away. Well, maybe I should have said stomped away, but then I felt horrible. I can't let my emotions fall like that. I have prided myself in walking away, not getting into verbal battles with her. I don't know how long I can keep my anger and resentment bottled inside - any ideas???
Prayers going out from me too. I hope you will let us know how you are.♥