Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
Absolutely I am NOT and NEVER will be a "player/cheater". Nope, not my character. I don't need a man, my intention is to take care of myself and I don't need another man in my life. I want my intentions to be focused on my family, church, and career. I was married before 27 years. Divorced. Almost married this time 10 years (May 2013).
My parents will be needing me in care taking, but I can't imagine them ever being mean and ugly. I could be wrong. My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. My mother just lost her eye sight in one eye due to macular degeneration. She fears losing the sight in her other eye. She is depressed over not being able to see like she could before, can't put thread in a needle, can't read like before, can't quilt making her perfect stitches. Little things, but I remind her that she should be so thankful that her health is great in so many other ways.
I have 3 sons, 4 grandchildren. I miss being active in their lives due to being tied down to this MIL and husband. Complicated.
Just getting out of the house, doing things, makes me smile again. But it was hard at first - feeling guilty. Long story.
Thanks for your wise, wise words of wisdom.
Definition of NPD:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
~ Mayo Clinic Staff
Yep--that kinda seems to cinch it.
He would do one of a few things....
----IF he FAILS to take any notice of you making changes he can see, like your hair, new clothes, that you are starting to fix yourself up more again, he is hopelessly lost.
It is possible that he thinks you spend the nights in other sleeping areas, an attempt to make sure he gets plenty sleep, and that is somehow supportive of his weird work hours--rotating shifts are killer bad news for anyone's behaviors and overall health!
----MAYBE he is slow on the uptake
---if you keep consistently working to fix yourself up, it might take some time before he takes note. IF/ WHEN he does, he will do/say things that express his fear of losing you, like, suspicion that you are going out on him--make sure you are loyally keeping your behaviors above board
--ALWAYS make sure you are totally irreproachable, until after any legal proceedings for divorce are final.
--Be prepared for potential reversal of his behaviors:
It is entirely possible [it has happened for others],
that as you take better and better care of yourself, fix you up, do things that bring you a Joyful heart, etc., that he will once again fall in love with the person he married.
ONLY by keeping circumspect at all times, you then have the option to work on repairing relationships, or splitting.
---Even if you cannot venison that right now.
[[yep--there are quite a number of times I felt like dumping mine--yet something seemed to keep me going, and stick with it--and here we still are, over 40 years later, and my DH is FINALLY getting the professional help he needed way back then--still not a bed of roses, but, hey!]]
Keep doing what you need to be doing for you.
My heart goes out to you! I know how that feels! I might have some advice for you--will send that via hugs to you.
It is based on hard lessons I lived thru to tell the tales.
Some or all of it might be useful for you, too.
Being Proactive in one's own care and defense, really helps.
The hurt will be with you.
But you will reach a point when you think, "maybe I was just too over-emotional, maybe things could get better between us, maybe...etc."
When you start thinking those thots, STOP!
Get a GRIP! Those things DID happen, and, you yourself are the only one you can directly change.
AS YOU change, others around you will also start changing--good, bad, or indifferent, simply because they can no longer be the same when you are different.
You have made some viable plans so far.
There are other things you can also do, to pave your path more smoothly.
Believe, me, most of us who have spilled our guts here, have been thru the wringers, and have damaged self esteem, damaged emotions, PTSD, etc. disorders to deal with in the aftermath.
You are in a good, strong boat, hanging out here!
If nothing else, it is healthy to have a place to dump to;
getting helpful suggestions and knowing others have been thru it and lived and healed, is icing on cake!
Give yourself generous time to heal--and when you THINK you are healed, stuff can still come up again--so more work is needed to heal that again.
These adventures are now part of your history, not your present.
That Mom is now in SIL's house, means she is NOT in YOURS!
LET her have her! It means you no longer have that burden.
The circumstances it took to get her out, may not be over, but they really are--she's outta there!
And you have a PLAN.
I call that GOOD!
"No one can take advantage of you without your permission".
And I have no money to squirrel away yet, too many debts. But I am climbing out of that hole, too.
Yes, I would love to find a counselor for support and wisdom - but no one can help me until this rollar coaster of MIL is settled down. The fighting now and bickering is bad between brother and sister. My MIL is being brainwashed currently by my husband's sister - telling her that "we" are "greedy", wanting to take over all her money and possessions to do with as we please, not allowing her to have any say on life. Makes us sound like horrible demons! Then bad mouths other relatives about the situation. Is it really bad to want some normalcy in our life? To have mil in a part time nursing facility Monday - Friday 8 to 4 or 5 daily? It's cheaper than having in home health care ... but no, seems like "free babysitting service by me" is what everyone wants. Not happening anymore. Ok, writing a book again - I don't want to rant on. Solves nothing. I don't know how families cope with this. There has to millions like us, dealing with elderly issues such as this. Why can't it be easier?
I pray things turn out well for you!
It is sad that episodes like this so badly test the strength of a relationship...it seems to bring out the worst in so many.
Dealing with sick unstable elders can break the most stable of people
....what it does to those of us who were not exactly stable to begin with, really hurts.
I hope you are able to put away plenty enough funds to be able to do what you need to do.
Just keep them separate and under the table.
People should always have backup resources and plans.
Be true to yourself, be healed, walk a good path. Be well!
Sending you love and white light. Cattails.
Oh well, I guess you'll soon know the answer.
IF my husband gets guardianship tomorrow, plans are to get MIL into day care senior services here in town, 8 hrs a day. They even will pick her up and deliver her home. It will run either $59, $69 or $79 per day - depending on the level of care she needs, plus transportation costs. Believe me, my MIL has plenty of funds to cover this. Problem will be: HOW TO MAKE HER GO!!!
She wants NO part of it - feels we are going to make her go to prison.
I've told my husband, either she goes with this Day Program OR it's going to be 24/7 care at a nursing facility, at least until I get stronger health wise and mentally. I am so drained.
If he does NOT get guardianship, he tells me that his sister can have her totally, to with as they please. It's not worth it to fight over his mom - when she drives all of us crazy. Why does she like to pick fights? Loves drama? Make insane accusations? Then sits back and smiles. She doesn't stop until she gets a reaction. The only thing I can do at times, is lock my self into my office or bedroom. I can't leave, if she is here, because she could fall, etc.
She can't be left alone. Period.
Yes, my husband can "distance" himself like an off and on switch. I've never seen anything like it. He claims he learned this from his prior divorce counselor, when he and his first wife went through a divorce. I've learned first hand what 'stone cold" is... it's sad to be so self centered. My opinion.
I have such an open heart, with my goal to keep everyone happy, content, positive. I try to look for good in everyone. This is why the customers I work with "love" me - truly appreciate the extra I do for them, because I care. Plus I am honest. My job in real estate is challenging at times, but negotiations can be a win-win with the right outlook and laying out facts. Wish my marriage and family issues could be like real estate!
Yes, my husband needs a wake up call and counseling because his wife is walking out the door once I get financially able. Too much has happened for me to change my mind. Maybe this isn't the place to vent this - it's supposed to be about elderly care & seeking help, not how it drives people into divorce. My husband has a mean evil side to him, when he doesn't get his way or do what he says. He scares me at times. A long time ago, I was told "be careful when and where you pick your fights". That is so true for me now. Laying low until I have the means to do it right, making smart decisions. Not out of desperation. Slow and easy planning. My friend told me not to be a conniver - I'm not. She doesn't know how much I have been through and some people will never understand. So why explain. So thankful I can write how I feel here. Sometimes I am writing with tears running down my face, deep hurts. Then a voice responds via comments here & I get hope back. Taking care of my MIL has been such a thankless job that has turned my life upside down. It would be different if she "liked" me, but she doesn't. That is the problem. My MIL feels "I" am the one that took away her independence. "I" am the one that doesn't give her the food to make her whole again, give her back her balance to walk. She forgets that it was me, not her children, who arranged skilled nursing care and home phys therapy to make her stronger. I fix all meals. I wash all her clothes and bedding, accident clean ups, etc. It's the age and alzheimer's disease. My MIL "HATES" her son-in-law, though. 100x worse than the dislike she has for me!! So, good luck to you, dear sis in law - good luck.