Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
Interesting news about your counselor. He should be seeing you for free at this session and not charging your insurance. Not that he would, but he did call you, you didn't call him.
I wonder what would happen if you told your MIL that you will have to place her in nursing home care because you have to work and can't manage her care all by yourself. You can tell her it's not that you don't want her to stay with you, it's just that you can't, in good conscience, leave her alone even if she thinks she will be ok. And if she wants to stay at your home, she is going to have to spend some of her money on in home help. That way you can work and she can remain at your home.
Stay safe and keep us posted. Hugs, Cat
If you have fired your counselor, there must have been good cause.
Please do not just chalk that up to your feelings being scrambled
A counselor who is off base observing how the sessions are progressing
[or not!] , is not likely able to change their tactics.
....Honor your gut feelings, and seek a different counselor--there is no rule that forces a person to stick with the 1st counselor they try
--some folks go thru several before finding the right one
--or going to one for a time, then another, as their healing progresses, might need different kinds of counseling to keep progressing. It's OK!.
It is so hard when family fails to work cohesively together, and unfortunately, there is usually one person who ends up getting the short end of the stick. Though it might likely be that your spouses' sister feels it is herself, she is not the one doing 24/7 care-giving.
She might need her own advocate to assist her in getting her needs met, so she does not feel compelled to use her Mom, and can then stop messing with your best efforts.
As for doing 24/7 care-giving:
IF you are providing half or more of the upkeep for MIL, I believe there is a way for her to be your dependent on your taxes. Talk with whoever does your taxes. This won't get money to you fast enuf to pay that other debt, but might help in the long run.
As for creditors:
Be aware, the best thing to do is to keep in close contact with that company [any and all creditors], keep good records and paper trails--ALWAYS document on paper, contacts with the creditors--do NOT rely only on phone calls.
keep them informed of your circumstances,
and that you do not intend to stiff them in any way
--you intend to pay, as soon as the money is available
....or if you can, negotiate small payments.
They will push you, will try to pressure.
That is their job.
But talk with them--Weekly, monthly, or whenever there is a change in circumstances that might impact that arrangement.
If you lose the papers they sent for you to apply for financial hardship help, call them to get those replaced asap.
We ended up with some bills for care-giving Mom here.
And medical bills for stress-related health emergencies for ourselves.
And likely there will be legal bills.
But all the companies I have spoken with, and kept in the loop,
have been fairly decent about making arrangements for us to make minimal payments, since ALL of them want paid at once.
FEW States have laws that force creditors to stand in line one at a time...a number of States allow all creditors to come after debtors all at once, to one degree or another. CA allowed all creditors to attach wages of a family we knew, to the point they had nothing to pay rent or feed family with.
They moved to Michigan, to get some relief.
Talk with people, let them know you are doing the best you can, and you have every intention of paying as soon as you are able. If you arrange to make $10/month payments, that is something--they might squawk over that and want more, but you can keep emphasizing to them what your limits are.
You might also want to contact "Area Agency on Aging" near you,
speak to a Legal Person there,
to find out what your rights are,
BEFORE you spill too many personal beans to the creditors or collection agencies.
They can help inform you what your legal rights are relative to collection agencies, what to do to help get your needs met, and get the care your MIL needs--which might be in a nursing home now.
I pray you can get some relief!
{{{hugs!}}}
Chi
.
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Ended up in the Cardiac Unit of Hospital, was admitted but released the next afternoon. After many tests, results seem to point to "anxiety attack" and "stress". I was sad that my own husband felt it wasn't important enough to take me to Emergency Room, but in his own words "I have to get up for work and you could be there awhile. I need my rest". At least I didn't have to drive myself, my step daughter took me when she got off work & stayed with me until around 2am when I was placed in a room for the night & I was finally calming down. It was scary by the time I entered the ER. Nothing seemed to work, to ease the pain and get my blood pressure down until I was given morphine. Anyway, I've had a different outlook since then.
My husband has court appearance Sept 20th, for guardianship of his mom. This has been awful, the time leading up to the hearing. His mom declared war on us, making herself sick! Then my husband's sister is against this, doing everything she can to complicate things. Unexpectedly, she easily convinced my mother in law to leave our home, to be with her - making my husband and I look like "ugly demons" out to get MOM.
I feel guilty because I am enjoying peace and quiet, no pins and needles, like I have my life back. BUT my MIL is with the sister who is spending her money like candy and spins lies about us here. So who knows how court will go.
My husband has told me that IF he doesn't get guardianship, his mom can stay with his sister. Let her spend all the money. But when it's gone, mom doesn't come back here.
IF he gets guardianship, he will enforce that his MIL gets placed in daycare at one of our local assisted living quarters so I have my days of freedom to work & enjoy some quiet and peace.
It is so sad it took that attack/ER/Hosp. visit to get things to work out!
While it was wicked how the sil handled things,
and worse for them committing slander on you and your family while/after moving Mom out,
the bottom line is, she is OUTTA THERE! YAY!
[[I know there is guilt, anger and all sorts of emotions surrounding it--but just keep focusing on the fact that she is now sil's problem--sooner or later, sil will also get bit.]]
You cannot change them.
They will keep doing what they are doing.
Consider their source!
You rejoice that you no longer need to do that thankless job, and, now have a terrific chance to renew yourself, and your life, whatever shape that takes....make it good!
As for your DH not being very understanding
---guys can be like that.
Like as not, he has trouble identifying his own feelings, among other things
---a whole 'nuther complicated set of issues.
I know--it took my DH over 40 years to finally wake up to the fact he needed help, and started getting it--it took major crises with Mom, and major crisis with his health to get him to start paying attention
---prior to that, he was almost totally ignorant that I had had a stroke, even when I was dropping cups and having trouble swallowing;
we were going thru another rough patch, he was just oblivious, and I was in total shut-down/protect-myself-mode, hiding anything was wrong
--long story
--but the indicators you described, seem to point to that HE probly ALSO needs help--just an educated guess
--and now Mom is outta there, MAYbe help can be found for EACH of you!
Mom was trouble, while at your place, and escalating.
It is common for that to happen.
It is also common for sibs to do exactly what your DH's did.
It commonly breaks families apart.
Cut your losses.
Determine to make better lives for yourselves.
YOU especially, must find whatever you need, find your Genuine Self, and nurture that Self back into being--your Self has been crushed to the point of near-heart-attack--that is a GIANT wake-up call!
I will keep you in my prayers for healing!
{{{hugs!}}}
Yes, my husband needs a wake up call and counseling because his wife is walking out the door once I get financially able. Too much has happened for me to change my mind. Maybe this isn't the place to vent this - it's supposed to be about elderly care & seeking help, not how it drives people into divorce. My husband has a mean evil side to him, when he doesn't get his way or do what he says. He scares me at times. A long time ago, I was told "be careful when and where you pick your fights". That is so true for me now. Laying low until I have the means to do it right, making smart decisions. Not out of desperation. Slow and easy planning. My friend told me not to be a conniver - I'm not. She doesn't know how much I have been through and some people will never understand. So why explain. So thankful I can write how I feel here. Sometimes I am writing with tears running down my face, deep hurts. Then a voice responds via comments here & I get hope back. Taking care of my MIL has been such a thankless job that has turned my life upside down. It would be different if she "liked" me, but she doesn't. That is the problem. My MIL feels "I" am the one that took away her independence. "I" am the one that doesn't give her the food to make her whole again, give her back her balance to walk. She forgets that it was me, not her children, who arranged skilled nursing care and home phys therapy to make her stronger. I fix all meals. I wash all her clothes and bedding, accident clean ups, etc. It's the age and alzheimer's disease. My MIL "HATES" her son-in-law, though. 100x worse than the dislike she has for me!! So, good luck to you, dear sis in law - good luck.
IF my husband gets guardianship tomorrow, plans are to get MIL into day care senior services here in town, 8 hrs a day. They even will pick her up and deliver her home. It will run either $59, $69 or $79 per day - depending on the level of care she needs, plus transportation costs. Believe me, my MIL has plenty of funds to cover this. Problem will be: HOW TO MAKE HER GO!!!
She wants NO part of it - feels we are going to make her go to prison.
I've told my husband, either she goes with this Day Program OR it's going to be 24/7 care at a nursing facility, at least until I get stronger health wise and mentally. I am so drained.
If he does NOT get guardianship, he tells me that his sister can have her totally, to with as they please. It's not worth it to fight over his mom - when she drives all of us crazy. Why does she like to pick fights? Loves drama? Make insane accusations? Then sits back and smiles. She doesn't stop until she gets a reaction. The only thing I can do at times, is lock my self into my office or bedroom. I can't leave, if she is here, because she could fall, etc.
She can't be left alone. Period.
Yes, my husband can "distance" himself like an off and on switch. I've never seen anything like it. He claims he learned this from his prior divorce counselor, when he and his first wife went through a divorce. I've learned first hand what 'stone cold" is... it's sad to be so self centered. My opinion.
I have such an open heart, with my goal to keep everyone happy, content, positive. I try to look for good in everyone. This is why the customers I work with "love" me - truly appreciate the extra I do for them, because I care. Plus I am honest. My job in real estate is challenging at times, but negotiations can be a win-win with the right outlook and laying out facts. Wish my marriage and family issues could be like real estate!
Oh well, I guess you'll soon know the answer.
Sending you love and white light. Cattails.
I pray things turn out well for you!
It is sad that episodes like this so badly test the strength of a relationship...it seems to bring out the worst in so many.
Dealing with sick unstable elders can break the most stable of people
....what it does to those of us who were not exactly stable to begin with, really hurts.
I hope you are able to put away plenty enough funds to be able to do what you need to do.
Just keep them separate and under the table.
People should always have backup resources and plans.
Be true to yourself, be healed, walk a good path. Be well!