Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
He doesn't want to be bothered to care for his mother, yet it's okay with him if you're bothered with it. Don't you see how he's controlling you? As long as you're too busy with helping his mother, you can't make your own money with your job (and leave), helping yourself. As long as you are dependent on him, he has you under his thumb, as the maid/caregiver. He does't want you to leave...who would cheaply care for his mother? Yet, he doesn't treat you as his wife...there are various signs of that.
You deserve more respect, appreciation, attention and love from him. Sounds like he has done a good job of tearing down your self respect and confidence. Get out now...before he completely destroys you. Perhaps you could stay in a shelter or with a friend, and get back to making your own money with your job. There are probably other programs or avenues you could pursue too. This will only get worse. You know what they say...why buy the cow when the milk is free. .
You can be compassionate from a safe distance. You have to decide what to do if he doesn't respond to reason. Please make sure you are safe, you can't help your MIL if you are out of commission because this is too much.
I would suggest you get away from your home for a few days. Take the dog with you. Go visit your children. It doesn't matter that you have bills to pay. A few days away is not going to make a difference. You don't need to go to a spa and get pampered. You need to connect with people that love you. Yes, probably things will get damaged while you are gone. There will be messes for sure. Let your husband come home to it. Let him deal with it.
We haven't heard from you lately. Your counseling appointment is tomorrow, if I remember correctly. I wish you luck with that. Your counselor told you, essentially, that he wanted to remain impartial. I'll put my two cents in about that. Your therapist is now put in the position of marriage counseling. He is not acting as your advocate. If he were to do so, your husband would probably walk out of the room. So he is walking a fine line in order to not alienate either party. He wants you to hear each other and work out your problems. He will be listening to everything that is said, but he may not tell you what he thinks. See how it goes and let's see if your husband is willing to go back. It's a process, Ohio, and it takes time. Sometimes it's better to have your own therapist and a separate marriage counselor. You need honest feedback regarding your own feelings and sometimes that can be compromised in joint counseling. I'm not saying joint counseling isn't helpful, but both parties have to want a good outcome.
I miss hearing from you. Please let us know how you are doing. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
You are right, no matter how hard I try not to think it so, I am just a loser. Married to someone who doesn't appreciate me, where I have allowed myself to sink in so many ways. I guess my blinders are on and with all of this going on around me, it's so hard to look in the mirror - because I don't recognize the person looking back at me.
Yes, it is possible for my MIL to physically hurt me, but most of the time I am not within arms reach, especially if she is angry. She's a feeble little 90 yr old, but when her anger kicks in, she is fiesty and throws things. With her mobility issues, I can easily get out of her reach. Like I said earlier, I have 2 rooms I can run to and lock the door, OR I can leave the home by going in to garage, back sunroom or yard.
Yes, I am sure my doctor would write something - but it would not mean anything to my husband at this point. I could be wrong. Guess right now I am so disappointed in my day today. Nothing went right.
You are so correct, I can't get back the time, days, months I have wasted. But I really thought I was doing the right thing. But no matter what I do to be nice & helpful to her (MIL), she let's me know quickly that I am NOT liked by her. Then she tells my husband that I don't like her and I want don't her there. (playing games). Well, there IS some truth to that, when I have taken a day of her nastiness, no, I don't want her here. But faith and teachings tell me to be compassionate for those that can't take care of themselves.
Yes, we had my MIL evaluated by 2 different geriatric doctors who feel she has issues. BUT felt she still had "reasoning skills" at times & could still answer questions in many areas. Both agree that she can not live alone but did not say she could not "be" alone, needing constant attention like I feel she needs. My husband is "cold" when it comes to this - saying, if she falls, she falls. That's life. It's going to happen, she is gonna fall and break. We just don't know when. He tells me that he appreciates all I am doing for her, but it's "not all necessary". He won't sit and talk to her when he comes home. No time for that, he says. And this makes her sad. What would it hurt for him to come home, say Hi Mom, How was your day. How are you feeling. Just show her some attention instead of her feeling like an outsider with a son that doesn't have time for her. He stays busy, but that is how I am treated too. (But that wasn't how it used to be).
Ok, now I feel a need to explain...my words may not make a lot of sense, because I feel so down...
How I start my day:
5:30am Get up. Make my husband breakfast, make and pack him a lunch. Make sure he takes his pills. Get dogs outside (we have 2yr old dobermans, male & female litter mates). Now, he WON'T put up a fence for them, so I have to put them on a leash and take them outside to "do their business", doesn't matter if it is raining, snowing, cold or hot - I take them out.
Husband leaves around 6am for work. I do up dishes, throw a load of laundry in machine, go back to bed.
Up at 7:30 or 8, turn on computer, ck emails from clients/customers - go over my "to do" list for real estate (my career). Eat breakfast. Put clothes in dryer. Take dogs out again.
By 10am, MIL is finally getting up. While she enters bathroom, I go into bedroom checking for wet sheets, gather up clothing, look for "hidden urinary pads" (she doesn't have that problem & will hide them at times), make her coffee & prepare breakfast, lay out medicene. Take photo. (My proof I made it).
Every other day, I try around 11 to 12noon, to get her into shower, where I have to assist her getting in and out, washing her back, helping her get dry.
From 12:30 til 1:30, MIL watches Young & Restless. I get my lunch, then start preparing hers & make real estate calls.
2pm, time to serve lunch to MIL, then dishes afterwards, figure out if I need to start oven or whatever preparation needed for dinner.
3pm, MIL has 2 other programs on tv she watches which gives me 2 free hours of working in real estate again. My husband gets off work at 2:30 but does not come right home. Depends on IF I tell him I MUST leave for appointments, so Please Come Home.
During this time, I bring coffee & snack to MIL, talk to her a little.
Dinner is around 5:30 or 6pm. I put on table, get MIL to table, yell for husband to come to table - but half the time, he doesn't even eat with us, he lets it sit to "eat whenever". This hurts my feeling, but he started doing this to me even before MIL came to live with us.
After dinner, MIL likes to sit in living room, wanting to know what my husband is doing, where some nights he is cutting yard, (MIL watches out window), or he is out working on his cars (where she tries to watch, but can't see), or he is in the living room on the computer (where she will sit in recliner trying to talk to him or just sits and watches his back where he totally ignores her) But he did this even before MIL came, which hurt my feelings.
MIL wants Ice Cream or snacks aournd 8-8:30pm. I make sure all dinner & evening dishes done. (We live in $300,000 home with NO dishwasher, husband bought home this way, beautiful kitchen & cabinets, but no dishwasher, doesn't matter that I really want one & it could be installed easily, oh well).
MIL in bed by 10pm. Husband goes to bed when he feels like it. No set bedtime, and does not matter if I go to bed or not. Sound like a loving couple??? It hurts.
So this is my life. I lose most of my day to taking care of her so it's HARD to work full time in my real estate career, so my income is about a 1/4 of what I normally would earn.
Oh, did I mention I have to take those dogs out a few more times? He will take them out maybe a couple times in the evening - and they are HIS dogs. I asked for him to put at least one of them in my name, since they have AKC papers, but they are thrown to the side and are HIS dogs. Yes, I am their primary caretaker too. I love animals, and more a cat person, but he does not and will not ever allow me to have a cat. I would not have one anyway with these dogs. Not safe.
I never have stacks of dirty clothes, due to my morning routines. Never have dirty dishes around because I wash them usually right after a meal. I keep a clean house juggling house work around real estate appts and his mom.
So there, that's my life.
We used to go out on friday nights, dinner & movie, or do something. That doesn't happen very often anymore. Nights out with my husband is far and few since MIL came here. That makes me sad. We can only go out IF his daughter is ok with being here. (she lives with us, full time college student & works as pharmacy tech part time).
Looks like I have written a book even after I said I was too tired to write.
So I was not carrying "baggage" into the marriage - I was solid. He, on the other hand, had to pay an ex-wife to pay off, pay child support, and had a high house payment in my opinion, with a home that needed work, and charge cards with high limits and pretty high amounts on them. But it didn't matter- he had a good job & I knew I could make good money.
No, his credit is fine. I would never do anything to hurt his finances. I have 3 charge cards that I use to finance real estate expenses and 1 for personal use. I normally paid them off every month, until real estate & economy gave me a set back, then I started carrying monthly amounts. I never had a late payment until I started caring for his mom, when I could not handle appts. Then I started getting sick with migraines, scratching my eyes, and other health issues - so that hurt. He paid off our 2nd mortgage (my name was on that) so now I don't have that bill against me, but now I don't have that giving me good monthly ratings either. I am not on the house payment, since he bought the home in 95 and we were married in 03, but he did have the deed re-done where we own it together, joint survivorship. We also have 2 timeshares, owned jointly, paid for. Several cars - no car payments. Other assets. We have 4 joint charge cards - they are fine. It is the ones that are 100% mine that I have had for YEARS, that has been damaged. So they has destroyed my credit, but I can re-build quickly, takes a year of no late pays and get balances down to 30% of limit. By 3 years I should be back golden IF I CAN WORK. I just have never been upside down before and prided myself in good credit and stability. I was dumb to let this happen. I guess I am in shock that I am in this position - where I feel helpless and strapped and most of all scared. I dont want people and family to know my problems. I mean, they know I am taking care of my MIL, but they have no idea that I have money issues.
Now look back on what I just said. You have supported yourself, put your children through college, had no debt to speak of. You paid your way all the way. You are an extremely responsible person. Given your sense of responsibility and your compassion for others, it's no surprise that you cannot abide by the way your husband views his mom's needs. You also appreciate how much his mom wants his time and affection. You are not threatened by her need, on the contrary, you want him to fill that need. How can someone like you who feels another person's pain be a loser. Not possible. Not possible.
Maybe you should write down some key phrases that made sense to you in the posts you have received. Find the ones that reinforce your sense of self. I have great respect for your goodness and caring. You are not a loser. You may be on the losing end of this situation, but you are not a loser. There's a big difference.
What I want you to feel from my post to you tonight is that you are an extremely good person. I love you. You are a true gift to your children and all who are open to receiving your love.
Cattails.
You have job skills. You can support yourself. Maybe not in the style you were living on two incomes before you mil was foisted off on you, but you can support yourself. Maybe it will take some years to re-establish your credit and your income level. But you can do it.
It seems to me, dear lady, that your house is in Egypt and Denial runs through it.
Your MIL can afford to pay for the care she needs. WHY ARE YOU EXPECTED TO GIVE UP YOUR ABILITY TO EARN INCOME FOR HER SAKE? She is not a charity case. And if she were, the financial burden should be her son's, or at most yours jointly. If you can't see that this is one of the fundamental questions to be answered here, you are Cleopatra herself, Queen of Denial.
Time after time it has been made abundantly clear that mil cannot safely be left alone. WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS? Well, why should anyone else admit it, as long as you continue in the unpaid servant (aka "slave") role? Isn't it advantageous for husband to be able to deny that your income is suffering because you have to stay home? Isn't it to his advange to "deny" that your loss of income is anybody's fault but your own?
You can't leave because if you do he won't let you back? And this is a bad thing because ... ?? If you leave you will be expected to pay for your replacement in caregiving MIL?? WHAT? You are joking that you believe this, right? Please tell us that you do not seriously think there is some way your husband can make you pay for a caregiver for his mother even if you leave him. That is just too much.
His daughter has declared that she isn't taking care of Grandma. Good for her! Of course that is not her responsibility. You seem to resent her because she understands the dynamics of the household better than you do. Take a cue or two from her.
You are right, Ohiogirl, "I was dumb to let this happen." But not about the credit cards, and not about gaining weight. About letting yourself be maneuvered into a demeaning situation where you are ashamed to let your family know your real situation. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
First, see a lawyer, to protect your interests in the assets owned jointely.
Then see a counselor, to help you find the courage that you surely do own.
Then walk out that door. Or insist on changes.
You may be strapped and in shock and scared. But lady you are only helpless if you decide to be. Pleading helplessness would be the biggest denial of all.
Cleopatra, hang up the crown. Wake up and smell the coffee. Use some of those very fine caring skills you have to take care of you. You deserve it.
You are not loved. Maybe the sex was good with this man vs the last, but you are not loved.
In a mature relationship, weight gain from stress is a symptom. The problem needs to be solved. If your spouce is the problem and will not admit it, then you are not loved.
I don't enjoy saying this to you, but their is a difference between sex, infatuation, self indulgence and LOVE.
You have a therapist now so talk about this. What is love? You have many good years ahead of you. You can waste them or live them. Your choice. So sorry to be hurtful, but you are going to be hurt no matter what I say.
Cattails
Here is my issue. MIL can not be left alone. His daughter knows it. I know it. His sister knows it, but my husband feels the home is never without someone for hours - so it's ok if she is alone for 3 to 4 hours, just tell her to watch tv and behave. (Hmmm...when I say I am going out, she starts calling people, starts looking for food, goes through drawers and sometimes does crazy things that don't make sense). She is a fall risk. Her legs are so weak and shaky, sometimes even when I am here, I will go to her to make sure she can walk to bedroom or bathroom ok. I can't be a cold person and just let her fall. When her ankles swell, I care. When she bruises herself from catching herself from a fall and hitting the wall or a door, I care. When she tells me that she is having an anxiety attack, I care. When she lays in bed, crying and asking to die, my heart breaks. I care. Who else is there? She doesn't have any friends. Her neighbors don't want to talk to her because she isn't the same person and some of the blunt things she says offends them. But after doing all I do for her, and for no reason - she wants to pick a fight, and she is good at it, knowing how to hurt with words.
Now, what I meant by "paying for a caregiver" is this. My mother in law refuses to pay for care because she feels she is fine. She gets mad when I watch her too closely. My husband refuses to pay for a caretaker, when she has money & freely throws it out to her daughter and grandchildren. SO, he says, if I want to work, and NOT take care of her - then who is going to watch her? He says he isn't missing work, not when it's HIS income paying the bills because real estate sucks and I need a new career field. He wants to then throw his mom to his sister, who throws her back to us, can't handle her. Then he says, so if my sister won't care for her, she will have to go to a nursing home but says this in way I am sickened with guilt. BUT if I can find a way to get help in the home, go for it - as long as he doesn't have to pay anything. Which I am trying to do, but being told that she has too much in savings to qualify for assistance paid care. Which brings me back to ground zero. I have an appt tomorrow with the local agency to see what assistance if any available, and if not, what 's the cost. I am so tired of taking care of her, I am willing to pay at this point. So I can back on my feet before my career totally sinks. I can't afford to have that kind of reputation - to let my clients down. Thank goodness for a couple close associates that have been kind enough to help out. Otherwise I would be jobless for sure. It's hard to sort through what to do, when to do it, how to do it, am I sure that I am making right decisions, am I sure that my husband really knows that I hurt so bad and one day, may walk out the door? I don't know. But I don't want to think that way yet ... I think this whole mess has turned all of us in the family against each other so we say mean things because none of us know what to do. No, I absolutely do not resent my step daughter from helping, I appreciate what she does. I just don't understand how my husband honors her words over mine. That is what I resent - never her. I care a lot about her & it is important for her to finish school to be able to take care of herself as an adult, make a good living in a career she loves.
I know situations bring out the worst in people, I do not deny that. But when the problem is removed or a situation changes, the hurts that were caused are not forgotten but it could be worse. I know he is not cheating on me, he is just tuning me and his mom out because he doesn't know what to do either. He broke down and cried this weekend, too. He says his mom is dying before his eyes. Why is she acting this way? Long story.
What I don't get is the fact he is unwilling to help me out with additional care. It would solve some issues....
Your husband isn't going to pay for a caregiver. That is reasonable enough. Why should he? SHE should pay her own way. Since she can, she should be paying room and board and for whatever services she needs. But his denial/excuse is that she doesn't need a caregiver. Bull poop. He will not see that she is behaving selfishly by not paying for care. She's his mother. She's dying. She couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. Fine and dandy if this game playing only affected the two of them. But who is getting hurt by this ridiculous unwillingness to see the truth right in front on him? YOU are.
Here is another truth that somebody should be facing: Her daughter can't handle her. Her son won't pay for in-home care and won't insist that she pay for it. So ... she cannot live with a daughter or son. Sorry. That is the reality. Moms can live with a child or more than one child in turns ONLY IF THE CHILD IS WILLING AND ABLE to handle that. Her daughter isn't. Her son isn't. (And her impairments are severe. I do not hold it against them that they can't/won't do it. I don't believe children have an obligation to personally provide 24/7 care no matter what.)
You think the only alternative is for you to step into the gap and devote your life and/or you income to see that she gets the level of care she needs and deserves. Sorry. That's more bull poop. There are good care centers out there. She can probably afford a very fine one. Visit her frequently. Advocate for her good care. You can probably actually develop a decent relationship with the old gal when you don't have the full-time responsibility to keep her from falling or scalding herself or doing self-destructive things.
You say that if you walk out of this relationship you are never going to have another man in your life. How could that possibly be worse than the situation you are in now? How could you have less sex (for example) than you are having now? You couldn't live without cold rejection? You need unreasonable demands to feel alive? What? OK, so no one might bring you the occasional dipped strawberry. Here's news: you can dip your own and have them anytime you want. Surely you don't seriously think that sticking with any man is better than having no man?
I look back on all the excuses I made for my first husband's behavior. I wish someone could have gotten through to me with a wakeup call. So that is the service I am trying to provide to you. I know absolutely nothing about your situation that you haven't told us. So obviously you do know how bad it is, if you'd just admit what you are seeing.
I am very familiar with that self-delusional brand of denial. Been there. Done that. Burned the tee-shirt and not going back.
Ohio - the only thing I would like to add to the comments are:
Do you have any real idea of what happened in his first marriage? Is all your info on it coming from the olde' chocolate dipper himself? What is the relationships between the mother/ex-wife and her children - there is a daughter who lives with you, correct? What is her take on marriage # 1 and why is she living with dad and not mom? Are there other kids and what's their relationship with dad and mom?
History tends to repeat itself. So what he did with wife # 1 is likely what he is doing to you and he's learned from that marriage and is better (and more clever at being demeaning) at it. So she was unfaithful and he got all boohoo about it.....I bet he laid that one thick on you and how much he hurt. The reality probably was that he stopped having sex with her and was controlling and demeaning to her too. But she decided to find someone else for sex since that aspect of their marriage wasn't happening and she had the balls to walk.
I'm in the group for you to go to see one of your kids for a long visit. But please check with the daughter-in-laws to see what works best for them and ask let them know that if they want to plan a get away, you are there to take care of the house and the grandkids. Then do it!
1. His money was His, and Her money was Theirs. She made more money than him. When he finished her paycheck, she would come to me and borrow money (not telling me that it was for him because Everybody Knew I Didn't Like Him. They all thought I was jealous of him but I saw how he was treating her.)
2. When he came into the scene, she drastically stopped seeing me. We always did things together. (She's now married to a wonderful man. He always encourages her to come and be with me every weekend!) Anyway, back with that boyfriend - they had 2 beautiful girls, but he always came first in her life...and because she loved him - she spent all her time with him. I ended up caring for those 2 little girls. It upset my sis when they called me mommy. (Up to this day, they still consider me their 2nd mother.) Doesn't this sound familiar? Except your hubby is preventing you from seeing Your Kids!
3. When she was dating him, she started having such an inferior complex. She's too fat, her dress is too short, she's this and she's that. I kept reassuring her that she's not but she never believed me. Sad to say, up to now, she still struggles with this. He treated her like sh-- so that she believe that no guy would find her pretty. Like your hubby, he had to work late at nights, or he's out with his friends, etc...Except he was fooling around. People knew and never told her. How do you think that affects your self-esteem?
4. She loved him so much, even when he shot her in the stomache and killed their son inside. The baby was going to be born soon and they were just waiting for him to "drop". Do you know that he had the Nerve to Blame Her for the death of their child?! He told her that she had no right to grieve.
Ohio, don't you see this attitude in your own hubby's??? Love Is Not Blind! Do you know what a man would do for the wife he loves? Please go to Lisa's thread on about her mother moving in 2 years ago and how to get her out. It's a long thread, but take your time reading it. Read, meditate on it, compare Lisa's situation with your MIL. The abuse is there. But, Lisa's husband was there for Lisa. Just as my sister's husband is there for my sis. He knows how close we are and he knows that his wife needs me (to do girl talks). Just read her thread, okay? I worry about you. You're not a slave. You're his wife but he's treating you like a slave.
READ, MEDITATE, APPLY. And Ohio, if at the conclusion and understanding and awareness descends upon you, and you still want to be with hubby and slave after MIL with YOUR money or YOUR health, then So Be It. But, I'd really rather you didn't. You will never find happiness in that. Take Care! Hugs to you.
An ugly cycle. I don't want to hurt Ohio's feeling either. But, I think cattails is correct that..."you need help knowing what is best for you." At the risk of hurting feelings and saying things that Ohio doesn't see or want to hear...there's a need for bluntness here. We can only hope...that Ohio will absorb it.
OK. Hubby needs to get educated about dementia. He is trying to stay in denial, and that is something we can all understand. I don't think any of us were willing and able let alone eager to see it or recognize it in our own parents when it started happening, but it becomes a fact you can't go on ignoring. I'm a physician and I'll readily admit I did not see it with my own parents at first - I wondered what Mom really wanted and why what she said she wanted did not make sense epsecially compared to what she did and did not do, and why Dad started to be dishinibited and could not send me e-mails or play Solitaire on the computer any more. Since I'm a pediatrician and not a geriatrician, and it was a STEEP learning curve. And, I had to get educated on finances and the differences between skilled nursing and assisted living, and what all the options on home care, day programs, and respite were all about. If you don't want to or financially can't consider the nursing home, there ought to be something between that and home needing 24-7 care and supervision and getting no help. I won;t hold out a lot of hope that her condition could be improved, but at least one comprehensive geriatic evaluation could be done and possibly medications tried or adjusted. I only know resources in Arkansas and SW Pennsylvania to recommend, but depending where you are in Ohio the Benedum center with UPMC is very, very good with this and the SW with the program would be of a great deal of help.
If hubby really WANTS to know "why she is acting this way" he is going to have to come with you and hear it straight up first hand. I suppose I'm like you and can see the resaons for still holding out hope that the denial is a big enough part of why your husband can disregard how abusive this situation is of you, and that once he is able to let go and see what is going on he might be able to be more loving and decent again and re-invest in your marriage. You have to recognize though that denial most commonly happens when someone simply can't face reality; its not the sort of thing you can smash with a hammer as much as you'd like to. Being in the hands of people who deal with this often, who can explain gently and begin to let you and hubby know that you are not alone in this, that many others have been there and found enough support to get through it, may allow it him to release it and begin to deal with what is, however sad or difficult it may be.
If he can't or won't do that - either way - you really are going to have to do something else besides sit around hoping things will get better, however uncomfortable it makes you feel, or how much the "I can't possibly, because..." reactions come to mind. You have to un-box yourself and get ready to deal with reality too.
rovana has gotten back to the basics here. I urge you to see a lawyer. That doesn't mean you have to take immediate steps. You can still try to work toward a better resolution in place. But NOW, before you do anything else or he does anything else, find out exactly where you stand financially and how to protect your share of the joint assets. Maybe this is a totally unnecessary precaution. Maybe your marriage can get back on track. Maybe you husband would not really exploit the situation further and cheat you finanically.
But it is better to be safe than sorry. Better to act from a position of knowledge than from ignorance.
See a lawyer, first.