How do you wonderful caregivers deal with your own impatience?

Don't be too hard on yourself - you're only human & I'm sure that there were times in your life before caregiving that you two became impatient with each other! My Mom & I were at odds from the time I hit 14...lol.

When I find my frustration and stress rising, have a couple of methods to decompress: I will excuse myself for 5 minutes (my "smoke break" I call it)...go to more private area and take a couple of deep breaths to help me relax & clear the stress thoughts. Then I go back to it with a smile on my face. It sounds ineffectual, but it does work.

The other thing I do is look at my parent and put a picture in my mind of a happy time with them....Mama in the backyard on a fall day hanging clothes on the clothesline while I chased a frog when I was 4,,,,Papa walking through the door after work, his long chain of keys jingling on his belt - I would run to the door to meet him.....I feel an overwhelming sense of the love & comfort I felt for/with them as their little girl. That feeling helps me to let go of the stress and relax with compassion and a "whatever it takes for you" attitude and then I just go with the flow.

This is a hard phase of life for our parents and for us as the caregiving children. Kind of a role reversal. Give yourself credit for the good things you do for your Mom and forgive yourself for the moments when you were less than perfect.

Hang in there, sweetie!

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Look at what you are doing for goodness sake. No one is perfect. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself a big hug for being a great daughter.

I would reexamine the time limit for shopping. The dementia certainly limits mom's time to focus and not get overly tired. I might set the deadline for one hour and then see how that goes. Better to end up well rested and wanting more than over staying and getting worn out. It's the quality that counts, not how long you spend shopping.

I'd rather take a severe beating than go shopping for 3 hours, much less with an old lady with dementia. My Mom doesn't have dementia but the few times I have taken her shopping (she's 84 and doesn't understand that we're just not going to find the same bras that were around in 1948) it is an ordeal for me. Lorrie, you are far more patient than most of us. Don't be so hard on yourself and I would try to divert moms shopping into some other activity. I can only imagine the sales clerks joy in dealing with you guys. The one store I take my mom to they all run and hide when we come in the door. Mom is very sweet but takes forever and a day to decide. Lord give me strength!

I think this is something nearly every caregiver faces. Sometimes it takes longer to decide, especially when we've allotted a certain amount of time for what excursion requires decision making and I want to get the other tasks done before I head home, trying to beat the traffic or a potential snow storm heading our way.

The only time I've seen this NOT happen is in man caves. Buying something goes really quickly; I'm the one trying to figure out the best choice! Jeez, all those screws...all those nails...which do I really need?

I too have lost patient and become short, then become angry with myself. I try now to mentally move first into reality check mode, remembering that older minds don't think as quickly, that there are probably a myriad of considerations to consider, and that if the wrong choice is made, nothing much can be done until I'm back available to take the stuff back to the store.

I can easily run back to the store for an exchange; not so my parent, who waits on my pumpkin to turn into his chariot so he can get out of the house.

If I get too impatient, I wander away to other aisles. Moving from a closet supply aisle to the plumbing aisle tends to numb my brain as I look at all the fixtures, then I realize how much time it takes me to decide when I don't know what I'm going.

Last sentence should be "when I don't know what I'm doing", not going, although sometimes I really don't know where I'm going either.

Looks like I'm having one of THOSE DAYS.

I think perhaps your mother's shopping trips might be (a) pleasurable because it's a chance to get out of her environment (b) see what's new in the world and (c) and make decisions. For her it might be respite, like we might go to a museum or library.

So it's more than just a trip - it's a real excursion.

Sometimes if I see that shopping or whatever isn't going well, I suggest a detour to one of our favorite places - the Dairy Queen. A DQ blizzard or peanut buster parfait always seems to make the world right again.

So the next time either of you get frustrated, maybe you can suggest stopping for coffee, lemonade, or whatever will allow you both to just sit down and concentrate on eating....a change of pace. Or do something that doesn't require any decision making. When the holidays coming up, driving around to look at decorations is always relaxing.

Lorrie, what you wrote about going shopping often now caught my eye. Taking whole afternoons to go shopping too often is guaranteed to even try the patience of Job. You're doing much better than I ever could!

Lorrie, do you need to be as involved in it as you are? Do you need to help your mom try on the clothes, or keep her from getting lost, or supervise her every second? I hate shopping, and when I take my Mom shopping I usually wait in the car and read books or newspapers on my iPhone, or text with friends, or surf the web, whatever. If I had to stand over my Mom while she deliberates over every item I think I'd jump out a window! As others have said, you're doing much better than I ever would!

Fellow caregivers, I came home last night exhausted and discouraged. I read through your wonderful responses and felt SO MUCH BETTER. Thanks for making me laugh and cry at the same time; thanks for taking a moment out of your own busy days to help out. And thanks for the suggestions! I suspect, in trying to be more patient, that I'm being more patient than I need to be. So I will set some realistic time limits and take breaks (for me or both of us) as you suggested. As I get wiser and better at this, I hope to be able to "pay it forward" when someone else needs support. Thanks again, everyone, truly appreciative...

Windyridge is too funny! And oh, how true. LorrieB, the same thing happened with my FIL when I took him to buy new clothes that fit. "But I don't wear that size" (anymore, ya mean?). It's not you, it's not mom, it's the dementia. Order her clothes from a catalog. Let mom try on clothes all DAY at home. Whatever doesn't fit, send back. I give FIL a pile of his shorts and shirts to "try on" and pick the ones that fit

this is our approach:{q}It's not you, it's not mom, it's the dementia. Order her clothes from a catalog. Let mom try on clothes all DAY at home. Whatever doesn't fit, send back{eq}
I buy clothing on line from:
Buck and Buck
LL Bean
Amazon

Hi Lorrie, pfontes gave great advice and to add to it. ..I keep repeating the mantra "mom can't help it, mom can't help it"...like others have said, it's not her or you, it's the disease. Also, since your mom is able to still go out shopping i respectfully don't agree with the catalog shopping approach. It's more than an outing to purchase something, it's an activity both physically and mentally. Although i totally understand how hard it is on you, make sure you set aside the time knowing that you're going shilling so you also don't feel pressured to do other tasks. It's better to do it less often, but well.

Oh and maybe while you're out, treat yourself to something nice too. You deserve it!!!

I am not sure of your financial situation but you might bring in companion care once a week or twice a month to take her shopping to give yourself a break. Or search for an adult day care in your area to have her go do activities a couple days a week. Sometimes Caregivers struggle with patience because they are tired and overwhelmed. Down time and self care is so important to have the capacity to have patience. Also seeing a counselor can be helpful too. Being a caregiver is very hard work and self care is vital.

As a person who hates to shop, I truly understand your frustration. You are being a saint to do this with your mother. Think of it as a medical appointment or some type of therapy that you're doing for her rather than there's something wrong with you that you don't think this is fun.

I agree that she may be just out having fun and she doesn't really need to make a decision and/or it's part of the disease. Likely it's a combination of both.

I think you are being incredibly patient. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Caregivers are so good at guilting themselves. We are not all perfect, are not always patient.

Please keep updating us. Maybe just being with us you'll feel better.
Carol

Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, we are all meeting our parents for the first time when we become their caregivers. It is like raising a child, their personality develops with each encounter. My first advice is don't be hard on yourself. If you're going to take mom shopping, explain to her that you have only a certain amount of time. You shouldn't be made to be out all day shopping or any other activity if you have things to do. You need your time.

I 'd suggest taking along a good book or an iPad with some games you like, whatever you might occupy yourself with in a doctor's waiting room, find yourself a comfortable spot and let her dither to her heart's content.

This reminds me of Christmas shopping with my grandkids. I love doing it, but I set up the boundaries before we begin: only 2 stores, only 2 hours, stated budget. That way the limits are agreed upon before we set out, and they aren't personal. The kids work against the limits, and we all feel successful. Same with my disabled husband. Before we run errands I tell him the time frame and number of stops. He can decide if that works for him or not. Nothing to be impatient about.

I completely understand your impatience. I too hate shopping and everything about it. I also tend to want to take over rather than support. However, sometimes you have to take over. If it is apparent that your mother cannot come up with the words, then I think at that point, it is better that you help her out rather than allow her to become so frustrated that she melts down. I think helping is being supportive just as much as standing back and letting the situation unfold as it will. Sometimes we have to view our elderly parents in the same lense that we viewed our 3 year old children and act accordingly. Be jovial about it and mask your impatience. Once you've gotten her back to her house you can vent all the way home. I know this is hard for you on so many levels. I wish you well.

Okay LorrieB - whoever told you to be supportive (non vocal) ends with the dementia diagnosis. Having dementia robs the person of the ability to make decisions, therefore the caregiver must make those decisions. I can visualize you and your mom shopping with all the noise, other people and multiple choices of clothing to try on, which will always end in disaster! She needs less confusion and you need more patience dealing with others who do not understand the dementia process (young salespeople). It is okay to fill in her words because she is not going to be able to remember, it will cause more confusion for her, more anxiety for her (and you), and basically a stressful event. Maybe take her to a boutique with limited people inside, and it is okay to inform the salesperson she is dealing with a person with memory issues. Having dementia is not a crime, nor should it be a shameful diagnosis. It is simply a form of mental illness robbing the brain of its functioning. Once you be mom's advocate and speak up for her when she loses words, she will be more at ease. Since you did not do this activity before she became ill, don't do it now. Find some other activity that both of you can enjoy and have less stress. Merry Christmas!

So much good advice here. My husband and I deal with this with his mom, although for her it's household goods, not clothing. I don't know how many times one of us has taken her shopping for that 'one thing' she needs, like a bathroom rug, and been to every store that carries bathroom rugs in an attempt to help her find the right one! (And she never finds it.) On the other hand, just for some perspective, I'd give anything to be able to take my mom to a department store and get her to shop for anything. Her dementia is combined with treatment resistant depression, so for her there's no fun in shopping. She spends the whole time worrying about my dad being left alone, and has no opinions about any of the options on offer, whether it's a new toaster she needs or a new purse. I just shop for her, which does take away an activity she used to enjoy, but since now it's nothing but stressful for her, I don't see the point. And because of her anxiety about my dad, we can't stay out for more than an hour anyway. Plus he's calling every five minutes to find out when she'll be home! (He has middle stage Alzheimer's and they're in assisted living, so he's never really alone, but he worries about her constantly when she's gone.) Sigh. It's different for everyone, isn't it. Wishing you all a joyful holiday season and less-stressful shopping!

Just writing that has made me miss my 'old mom' so much! Maybe I'll try inviting her out to go shopping with me this week and see if she'll go. Even if she only enjoys herself for a few seconds, it might be worth it.

I was just like you no patience at all .then I went to my dr he gave me something for anxiety.I don't use it everyday but if my lady is having a bad day I know my patience will be shorter.plus we all have to remember it's NOT THEIR FAULT THEY DIDNT ASK FOR THIS DECEASE.

It might help you to hear other similar stories. I too am not a shopper but my mom, living with me, with Alz. was. She shopped and spent a lot of money on trinkets she didn't need, nor did I want my house cluttered with them. I would take her shopping, let her buy whatever she wanted, get home and leave the purchases in the trunk. The next day I would return it all. This went on for about a year but it made her happy in the moment, I didn't rob her of something she enjoyed and we were all happy. Once when I was returning purchases the clerk called the manager to the register, who informed me their system shows me doing a lot of returns. Once I explained why, I had a very compassionate experience which made future returns very easy. Give yourself some slack now because as your mothers condition worsens you are going to really need to pull from your reserves.
My mom passed away in May of this year, after 8 years of Alz. and I miss her every day! And... I lost my patience with her on more than one occasion, but now that she's gone I only wish I had another day with her. Think of your mom as if it's her last day and how you would treat her. When they are gone, they're gone. My prayers go out to you, it's the hardest thing you will ever do in life, but rewarding in so many ways.

You can't rush unconditional love - or expect ourselves just to have it, it must be a journey to get there and for me it took almost 7 years - but it was worth it. All that matters is the continual effort and the going out of your way for each other and the creating a mountain of gratitude and appreciation for each other. I got good at creating outings, as we went on them every day - till the very last stage of dementia and the day before she passed away. Our interests merged and we did things that deeply supported us both. For us we were more than a 1000 picnics deep ;-) You've got the kindness and heart, it will get easier and harder before it becomes effortless - and it takes both of you to dance.
Oh yes, routine and novelty - get that balance right and it gets MUCH easier. Play and connection are the basic needs - get there and you're almost home.
And make sure you get your needs met - stand up for them with those around you, especially energetically - as your Mother needs to not feel like a burden.
You're doing great!

GREAT comment and advise ferris1!!

You are correct. Your Mom is changing. She knows it and she is upset by it. She wants everything to be like ti was, and she is impatient with her own incompetence. These feelings are contagious and you caught them a few times. As a child psychologist, I had pencils made that said "Stop, relax and think" Do the same. Take a deep breath or preferably three, calm your muscles from your head down to your feet and think of the memories you are building with your Mom.As uncomfortable as this time is, it is better than what's coming.
My husband loved going to hardware stores. As he entered the aisle with the small tools he said "Jewelry." When I asked, he said it was like a woman going into a jewelry store, he was so happy to touch the tools. A year later when we went, he said "Let's get out of here." He had forgotten the function and the names of the tools he loved and could not stand to see them anymore.

Hi LorrieB ~ I totally understand your frustration and completely sympathize and empathize. My 86-year old Mom and not been "formally" diagnosed with dementia but her short term memory is failing and when I asked her primary care doctor to perform a Mini-Mental Status Examination (MMSE) because she was having trouble remembering things, getting the words out she was thinking, etc, he wasn't the greatest at it. He asked her the cursory questions according to the MMSE, i.e. who the current President is, what day of the week it is, counting backwards by a certain number (in this case 7), telling her to remember 3 abstract words, etc. I watched as she answered some correctly and then struggled with other answers. It was heartbreaking. After we left the doctors office, I realized that he never went back and asked her to tell him the 3 words he asked her to remember! Geez. He's not a geriatric specialized physician but I'm not about to change her primary care physician now and upset her. She is very anxious and anxiety ridden (like myself -- I know I get this from her LOL) but I will not let him prescribe anything like Atavan, etc. for anxiety as this is counterintuitive for the elderly (The Beers Criteria for Potentially Inappropriate Medication Use in Older Adults, commonly called the Beers List, is a guideline for healthcare professionals to help improve the safety of prescribing medications for older adults).

A generation or two ago, before physicians had scans, tests and a myriad of diagnostic tools for EVERYTHING, it was just the progression of "aging" that Mom (or Grandma, Grandpa or Great Aunt Susie) began to exhibit signs of "losing their faculties". Now, families want answers to "why" Mom (or Grandma, etc.) is just not acting right. They insist on doctors performing unbelievable expensive scans, MRIs, to diagnose what was simply aging related dementia and cognitive impairment.

Alzheimer's Disease and other dementia seems to be the most rapid cause of age-related decline and, unfortunately, there is NOTHING that can be done to reverse these affects. I've resigned myself to that fact. I'm just NOT going to put my Mom (and myself) through batteries of tests, making endless doctors appointments, trying this drug and that. She's 86 years old, for God's sake. I'm committed to making her last days as happy as possible (even if it kills me - LOL).

The stress of dealing with her up and down days is endless. I'M on Atavan just to deal with being a caregiver. The thought of taking her "shopping" puts me over the edge. I am trying and trying to being more patient with her but it's like dealing with a 5 year old -- because it is. She doesn't reason anymore and there's no amount of explaining to her why she "should" be doing something for her own good. Even though I do the majority of the "heathcare" caregiving, my brother LIVES with her and I do have to give him a lot of credit for that. He, unfortunately, does not have the compassion (and a short mean temper sometimes) to deal with his elderly mother's decline. It's so sad. So I try to go over there every few days to give her a change of scenery, if just to converse with her in a gentle happy manner.

When I do take her to her doctors' appointments, it's an ALL DAY affair because I am patient with her and do not "scold" her like my brother. She wants to go here (Walgreens), go there (just to pick up a few things), go to lunch, etc. It's something I can't deny her because I love her. But I feel SO GUILTY when I get a little short with her for not moving along. She walks at the pace of a snail. I am mentally and physically exhausted after these forays out into the world with her. But I try to remember she's 86 years old and I won't have her for much longer. I need the patience of Job! (smile).

So, LorrieB, hang in there. My advice would be to stop taking her shopping for clothes. My Mom (God love her) has been shopping from catalogs (Haband, the Paragon, etc.) for years and when she buys her "outfits" she has to have one in every color they make. Of course, everything needs to be shortened because she's not even 5 feet tall. So guess who has to do that sewing? (smile) Patience, patience, I tell myself.

I am a total Type A caregiver and I hear you. I just want to take over and "get it done" but again, I've got to remember that I'm not dealing with my Mom of old. It's a sad and heartbreaking reality to deal with an aging parent's decline but, in my own situation, I do this out of love for her. I know I need to put my own frustration aside and be there for her. It's the right thing to do.

As MarkJohn stated, you're doing great!

Lorrie--
I too hate shopping (well, you didn't say that, but it's implied) I shop online almost exclusively, so malls and stores--oh gosh, kill me now!
I take Mother to the grocery store and it takes minimum, 2hrs. She has to hug everyone in the store. The deli clerk, the pharmacist, the bakery person--it's enough to make a saint swear, And she ends up buying maybe $50 worth of groceries. We move at a snail's pace. She LOVES the attention, from me and (more importantly) from the store staff. They see her once a week and I have to say, they are very sweet to her. (I don't think I have ever hugged the butcher at my store). Mother never senses my impatience, and since I have to stay right with her, I can't go take a break. I also want to get it, get the stuff, get out--and I'm NOT a type A. But now I have learned to just go with the flow and lose my train of thought while with Mother. You are amazingly patient! Don't be so hard on yourself. I doubt your mom even picked up on your frustration--so let it go!

Just to give you an example of how frustrating my Mom (and brother) is, I removed all the little rugs she had around her little house because she's a huge fall risk. She's wobbly and unsteady on her feet, refuses to use a walker (she has three) and insists on going up and down the basement stairs backwards holding onto the railings to do the laundry (my brother "can't" do it right, according to her).

Well, my brother took her out "shopping" and lo and behold all the little rugs (tripping hazards) are back in her house. What???!!! I complained bitterly to my brother to no avail. He just lets her buy what she wants because it's easier for him not to confront/deal with her. It's beyond frustrating! She cries and whines if I even attempt to remove the offending rugs and if I do, they'll just reappear again. I can't win and am just waiting "for the call" that she's fallen again. Again, there's no "reasoning" with her.

Now with Christmas coming, she's going to insist on buying more "stuff" for her grandchildren (my kids who are now ADULTS). She still considers them 10 year old children and buys them all sorts of junk from the dollar store. I can't convince her to stop this practice. So, I try to appease her buy telling her I'll buy some stuff for the "kids" and she can shop from me. Gift cards or cash in a card (which I know they would appreciate) is not on her radar. She hates doing this and "insists" that she wants them to "open" something. Sigh.....