I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.
One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.
Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.
My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.
She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.
I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.
Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.
My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?
xo
-SS
In addition, though, overnight caregivers would be too costly. I can't imagine paying someone for a 7 or 8 hour shift 5 days a week 30 days a month at about $10 an hour. (or more) That would take her whole Social Security check. It can't happen. We're already paying Nancy out of her Social Security check.
There was one small change lately, though. the Home Health Agency sent a new caregiver to bathe her but the days changed to Tuesda, Thursday and Saturday. So where I had no-one on Saturday, I now have two hours on Saturday that are mine to do whatever I want to. If I wasn't able to mow the grass when Nancy was here, I don't have to wait until Monday to do it now. I like it that way.
Have a good Sunday evening.
Take Care. JAD711
I care for both my Mom and Dad, by myself, no sibling support physical or mentally in any way. Never a phone call or an email asking me how I am doing or how things are going. In fact, the last sibling visit was almost criminal. My sinling stole my mother's checkbook!! We got it back but what an ordeal! Pa-lease!! The other sibling hasn't been here in over two years and sent me a text on Friday saying "Impromptu trip - can I stay at your place?" with a two day notice. Can u imagine that? Hasn't called or asked me how I am doing or anything in two years and now we are suppose to lay down the red carpet?? Give me a break!
When Dad fell for the fifth time last December, (can't even remember how many trips to the hospital and missed work opportunities for me), he went into rehab but never recovered enough to go home. I chose to have him stay in the NH because I couldn't take it anymore and they have no money for home health care. That's right, I decided that becasue no one was going to help me and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown several times. It was the right decision. It would be extremely unsafe for him (and my mother), back at their apartment and I'd be on the hospital roller coaster all over again within days. Sure, you have days of guilt but it comes to this: do you want to save yourself and save them? I chose to save us both by placing him in the home. It's a very hard decision, but I have no regrets.
xo
-SS
My Mother puts on a good show when my hubby is home so he has no idea what she is capable of and thinks I am not as good to her as I should be. The mental strain has been worse than the physical work.
She is nearly deaf so I can say exactly what I think and feel and she doesn't hear me but it does help to get things off my chest. A couple months ago she had a stroke that affected only her mind and turned her back into a nice person 90% of the time. I hope it lasts.
Remember, You are not alone in your pain and weariness. Thru this site I am finding out no matter what we are going thru there are others who have it just as bad or worse. We are all rooting for you.
I cried like a baby today after visiting with my demented, nasty father (whom I love),in the NH. Sooner than later, they will be transferring him to a hospital with a psych ward. He's getting physical. Own worst enemy....so sad.
But I had to change the bed, wash her up, change her gown, wash up the potty and in a little bit, I'll be shampooing the carpet where she even saved some poop for it, too. I had a doctor's appt. today and didn't have time to do it and didn't feel like it when I got back. So what if her room smelled like shit. I don't give a shit anymore.
Anyhow, he got a firsthand experience last night, but he didn't know how much crap he got onto himself until this morning when I was making the bed and saw our sheets were smeared, too. Not only did I have to wash her sheets and blankets, but I had to do our sheets, too. It was so funny when I told Nancy, she about peed her pants when she laughed about it. Now he knows what I go through when she has one of those bed, bath and beyond experiences.
When he picked her up off the floor and she was half naked because I had already taken the crappy Depends off her. Too bad, he saw Mommy half naked. Dignity went out of the window. This was the best sleepless night ever!
And, when I finally got back to bed, he gave me the best bear hug snuggle ever.
a bear hug snuggle is nice, but. . .
go away for two weeks and attain his immediate understanding and immense appreciation. i can assure you that the process will take months without this. men are like lead, heavy and dense.
I take care of 2 bedridden parents. I weigh only 96 lbs and am under 5 feet tall. My parents are taller and weigh more than me. I have had to learn of ways to change their pampers, waterproof pads and blanket lifters by myself. I recently had a "meltdown" (or others here call it overwhelmed) on Labor Day holiday. My sister in law (who lives next door with my bro and 3 grown kids) talked to me to calmed me down. She said that it takes 2 of them to change mom's pampers and she doesn't know how I can do it all by myself.
What I'm trying to say is, that although family KNOWS you need help, doesn't mean that they WILL help. I sure hope your husband is not going to be like my family of next door. And I hope sooooo much that there's a repeat performance! Hopefully, it will help him to see how much you are doing for his mother and he does something about it. Take care!!
I'm not a caring, respectful caregiver to father. He treats me disrespectfully, and I respond back the same way. I used to do my best to show respect from my time when I "found God and learned gungho about Him through the Bible." But when you live with this verbal abuses for years (like 36 years), you stop showing respect to the parent. Well, I show disrespect (not sure about you all). I'm not as "christian-like" as I should be.
:(
maybe we can think of your father as a bad dog who constantly bites the hand that feeds him. you obviously are in danger while caring for bad dog, so you must be careful. bad dogs need to be tied up or kept in a kennel and you can never get too close to those sharp teeth. you stand as far back as you can, yet still give them food, water, and whatever care is necessary. you just never get close enough for them to hurt you. so leave them in the yard, go in the house, and shut the door.
(now, if anyone here is ridiculous enough to think i am advocating tying her father up in the yard or keeping him in a kennel, you need to get a dictionary and look up the word 'allegorical'. thank you.) LMAO!
Yes, i do vent about those disrespectful people in my life, to safe people in safe places like this, i suppose that's a form of disrespect, but crap, if that's all i ever do, those people are fekking lucky!!! ROFL!
respecting or honoring an abusive parent means that we also tacitly respect, honor, and approve what they say and do. how can we do that?! and what would it teach our children, our spouse, and other people around us?
it's time for us to respect and honor Ourselves. respect and honor is something we might have never received from either of our parents, so it will be a learned process to do it for ourselves. think of this, would you let anyone treat your precious child the way your parent is now treating you? of course not. so be your own mommy and protect and love yourself. you are a beautiful woman with a tender and sensitive heart and you are deserving of love and respect.
My biggest complaint, I guess, is that I am forced to play Florence Nightingale to a woman whom I have never liked, who never liked me, and I wasn't consulted about it in the first place. Even though I have help during the day, I don't at night and over the weekends and this woman, whom I don't like, manages to unload her land mines always on my time. She has interrupted nearly every activity I do just for her potty trips and when her bowels are doing the liquid dance, I have to bathe her, wash the potty, clean the carpet, change her bed and try not to breathe while I'm doing all of it.
I canceled her trip to the foot doctor about her toe. It was looking better and since it is a major production to get her there and back, I called it all off. But, even though we told her yesterday and last night several times, she was trying to get out of bed at 5:45 this morning to "get ready to go to the doctor".
She has progressed deeper into her dementia extremely well and is trying to climb out of bed quite often now. We will either buy a bed alarm or end up strapping her down. I don't look forward to either.
While all of this is going on, I have had strange women coming in and out of my house for three years and things have come up missing and I can't accuse anyone because I don't have any idea who might have taken or "misplaced" them. I know I can trust Nancy, but she is the only one.
As far as taking off for a week, or even a couple of days, that's great advice, but, I don't have enough money for bus fare, or a train of plane, or a motel, let alone money for meals while I would be gone. I am stuck in a rut can't get out of.
I just need this woman gone from my life and to have my life back and my marriage back the way it was three years ago. Eventually, it will happen, but I need to complain sometimes until it does because when I try to bitch to Nancy, she says I have a bad attitude. She wasn't awake all night last night like I was. She and Homer slept like babies.
Next time she has a bed, bath and beyond thing, I'll have him carry the linens to the washer and start it for me (and put the soiled Depends in the trash outside). That's a smelly job, too. That would be a big help while I am changing her bed. Gotta get those things washed quickly to keep the stains out.
Funnier - yes, I know plenty of families that have both a day helper and a night helper. I think you should investigate immediately before you REALLY crack up. luv ya...
xo
-SS
Have a good day everyone.
xo
-SS