I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.
One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.
Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.
My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.
She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.
I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.
Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.
My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?
Boy do I understand! That feeling of bliss having a life again and knowing how good you can feel is nothing short of a miracle!! It lets you know there is light at the end of the dark tunnel you live in and that.........someday, if you are still alive and in your right mind...........this L will all be over and life will be good once again. I can't wait! As terrible as that sounds, you do get so burned out, no matter how deeply you love your loved ones.
Enjoy your free moments to the max!!! Sing, dance and love the joyous breaths of fresh air you get to breathe. Doesn’t it feel good to have the house smell fresh and clean too? There is something depressing about that “old people” smell. No matter how diligent we are, it is always present and my home just never feels fresh. And I Lysol everything, including the walls and floors. Maybe your husband will even enjoy the change and having the new/old you back that has been missing he too will find a wonderful peace without his mother there; realizing life is much better for everyone. His mother is getting the care she needs and so are you.
If she is vomiting, having black stools, it doesn't sound good. Does she take Aricept? That is terrible on the system and could be the source of her current issues. I had the same problems with my mother and once we took her off that, the bleeding stopped. Nasty drug,
If it isn’t from medications, it certainly sounds like she doesn’t have much time left. Plus, if they don’t find the source or it can’t be controlled, I doubt she will make it home. If she does, definitely, definitely, contact Hospice. They are fabulous and life may still suck, but it will be much easier with their help. It truly is a wonderful organization. You will need professional help to deal with her current conditions. I pray they will be sending her to a care facility for everyone concerned, but if not, then Hospice will give her the care she needs and you some respite, as well as, pay for all the medications and equipment.
We are all praying for you and it makes my heart sing to see the happiness and joy in your words. I even feel lighter. Keep us posted about all the fun you are having during your 21 days of bliss! We will be vicariously partying with you!!
I have an appointment with "our" doctor this morning and I will tell him all I know about her. I don't know what he does or doesn't know. All I do know is that my right leg is numb from my hip to my knee and has been since August 3 and there is a dull ache in my thigh bone and in my back. I'm a mess now and I don't know how it happened. I just know I can't take care of her and I will let him know that for sure.
Yesterday, I canned 18 quarts of tomatoes and even watched my three grand kids. Usually it's WWIII, but they played sooo good together, it was remarkable.
Later today, I'll make sweet pickle relish. This is so great. But while I'm out to the doctor, one of my grandsons is going with me and after the doctor, we're going to lunch together and then to the grocery to pick up a few things. I have to ride the bus home, so we can't get much, but we have a bunch of friends who ride at the same time we do and it's a lot of fun. It'll be a good day today. Mark that on the calendar. Two in a row.
Icant believe with your health issues he wants her to come back. And I would report the caregiver and get a replacement if she complains of "burn out" box
Cause of her JOB, she needs to get in another field.
I will also pray for you and please refuse her back into your home. In a nursing home she will either die in her sleep or they will call the family in and hubby can be with her then. Hugs and prayers to you
My husband said he would never forgive himself if his Mother died in the nursing home. We talked about it this morning and I told him I understood his position but I needed more time without her. I know Medicare stops paying for the nursing home after 28 days, but that doesn't end until 8-30-12. I asked him to give me until at least 8-20-12 without her because I could not take care of his mother in critical condition and also watch three grandchildren at the same time. School starts on the 20th and the kids will all be in school. He can bring her home on that day. We agreed on that and he said he wouldn't tell her yet. We went to visit her after that and she had again thrown up all over the place. They had changed her, the bed, and mopped the floor. I don't know how she is still alive. She had been vomiting every day for at least a month, if not longer. While we were there, he saw how depressed she was and whispered to me, he just had to tell her the good news and he did.
Nancy will come back to help me out, but she will work only half a day. She had radiation treatments every day for 12 or 16 weeks. I'm not sure which she said.
Maybe I can tolerate her for half days. I will ask the home health agency's nurse to evaluate MIL really closely and if Hospice is needed, she can get Hospice started coming here for her. I don't know how I will feel about someone dying in my home.
xo
-SS
He says he wakes up when I get out of bed to go to her and he's awake until I get back into bed. Maybe he is, maybe not. I can't tell. I just know that he is also tired like me and we both have eyes that burn all the time. I don't know what kind of help he could give to me besides wash the dinner dishes. I have the housework done before he gets home. He doesn't care if the house isn't spotless. Neither do I. I used to. I just don't care anymore. Maybe I will again when she is gone.
I have 6 more days without her. He said she kept her breakfast down this morning. That's the first in over a month. I don't know about lunch and dinner yet.
I had a wonderful day with all three of my littlest grandkids today. We spent it outside and laughed all day. I'm counting on 6 more great days.
As I said before Hospice!!! They are wonderful and I highly doubt Nancy will be much help with her problems and health issues. Hospice is a Godsend in so many ways. Talk to the hospital/nursing home social worker and find out what services are available in your community. If they are not helpful, call senior services in your area.
I am curious, however. Where in the world are the doctors? What are they saying about your MIL and her vomiting, black stools and what the heck are they doing for her? I can’t imagine there is no definitive diagnosis as to her condition, the cause of her vomiting, etc. You should have some idea what is going on and her prognosis. I can’t imagine they are ignoring something as serious as black stools and vomiting all the time. If they are, you need to rattle some cages and find out what the heck is happening or get a new medical team. That is insane not to know the cause of her issues. Maybe I missed something, but I don’t recall your mentioning any diagnosis.
I remember the days of two hours sleep a night, watching, and listening to a monitor 24 hours a day. I can’t seem to break the habit and since losing my mother almost 2 years ago, I still only sleep a few hours a night. Care giving does take a toll on your health too. Since this all began, I have been diagnosed with Grave’s disease, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea and insomnia. It is all related to the stress, I am sure. We are now caring for my FIL and it is growing more and more stressful. Having been through two other parents, we know the routine and I am wondering in what form the next illness will manifest. I am praying when this all ends, I will regain my health and my life. I pray you will too.
Please let us know the official diagnosis with your MIL. It will give you some light at the end of the tunnel and, hopefully, it won’t be the trains’ headlight this time. Bask in the beauty of the next few days, talk to the social workers and hospice personnel before she comes home and get some help for yourself. You are worth it and deserve it. If her finances are gone, then Medicare/Medicaid will kick in and cover expenses. Your health has to come first. Remember, she has had a long life, done what she wanted and it isn’t fair for you to lose the best years of yours. You must protect yourself so you don’t die before she does. You have grandchildren to love, enjoy and you deserve to be there for them!!
Sorry for offering 2cents worth of advice, but I am concerned for you and pray you get some qualified help so you can have a little relief.
Please keep us updated and get the help you so richly deserve.
Hugs and hope!!
Its good you are having this reprieve, enjoy it, and take the time to take care of yourself. Nancy can't come back, (thank the heavens), so look into another aide, Hospice, or see if your MIL can be evaluated while she is in the NH. Maybe someone will help your Hubs understand that she needs constant care that can't easily be given at home.
Take time to mentally vent. Picture yourself, no MIL no Hubs, in your perfect home, beachside retreat, mountain cabin, penthouse suite, prairie house, farm house, dreamy masterbath, backyard dream oasis, etc. Look through magazines, sales fliers, online, wherever, and pick out the furniture or the fixtures, the wallpaper/paint, the rug color, the curtains, the accessories, the location, whatever YOUR heart desires. You can always let Hubs in later if you really want him there! Lol Mental venting can take any form.
(((HUGS))) to you and hope you take care of yourself.
As for my husband helping her to the potty, that's a no-no. "Let her have some dignity left in her life, for God's sake, will you", said husband. And, MIL says, "Oh, no. I'd never let my son see me like that. Just you or Nancy".
She has conjestive heart failure, cardiomyopathy, diabetes, HBP, high cholesterol, acid reflux and a whole lot of other little annoying stuff. But, she can still read fine print without glasses. Whatever else is going on inside of her, I just don't know.
I spoke to the RN from the home health agency yesterday morning and she was going to call the doctor's office and talk to them and get back to me. She hasn't called me back yet and it's been almost 24 hours now. I know it takes certification from a doctor to get Hospice started so it all depends on her doctor now. But with her BP so great, they may not accept her. She was on death's doorstep two years ago and they wouldn't accept her.
Oh, I never said, but Nancy used to work for Hospice. I don't know what she did; but, she seems to have a good bedside manner with MIL. Maybe that's because she's her niece. She and I just don't click at all!
If I hear back from the home health agency's RN, I'll put her reply up.
If you need a break at night and need sleep then hire a woman to come in now and then to help you all through the night and give the bill to the husband (call it a dignity bill) And if you need a break when the husband comes in at night from work take the keys and say see ya later, it's your shift, and get away, let him take care of dinner and everything else that is needed and don't feel guilty about it. You are taking care of the MIL all during the day and night and if that isn't enough and appreciated by your Husband and his Mother then why allow then to expect more of you. You have to do what you need to take care of yourself because if you don't no one else will. As far as dignity goes, it might be good for your husband to be forced to see that you have yours as well and he and his mother have chosen to live together then they will have to learn to deal with it. why should you have to suffer your own health and well being because they don't want to take responsibility for the situation. I have learned from experience that others won't respect me until I respect myself and tell them NO and mean it. Please know that these are only my suggestions, I would never tell you what to do. I took care of both of my Husbands parents until they died so I know it's not easy. I wish you well. And regardless of how you choose to deal with it.. VENT and vent more, it will help you get through it.
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
I refuse to tell her welcome home. In fact, I may not even say "Hello" to her. I will tell the EMT's her room is the last door on the right down the hall and make myself scarce.
I tried to count on my first finger the number of friends I still have since she came to live here. I couldn't find one to count. Maybe after she finally dies for sure, if I'm not already dead myself, maybe I can make some new ones.
I have my cats, too, and they purr even if they're sick. God bless em' . And my goats, that talk to me and keep me from thinking about anything else but them, are a Godsend. But I still want to scream and curse and cry because I wonder what evil thing I did in my past caused this to be happening to me now. I thought when she went to the nursing home I would finally have my life back, but it was all only a tease. I've been having such a good time with my grand kids the last three days it was too easy to forget time was getting short. When the last one left today, I realized time was almost up and it was like somebody hit me in the stomach with their fist. I was counting on being able to go to see soccer games. I can't now. I hate that. A year ago I asked Nancy to come late and stay late so her hours woulldn't be compromised and I could go to one of my grandson's baseball games. She did that for me but even though she didn't say the words, I knew not to ask her again.
I'm afraid MIL will have to get used to someone new putting her on the potty, though, because I intend to find a sitter for her for at least a game or two of his soccer games this year. I missed every soccer game the last three years and it really bothered my grandson a lot. I won't let him down like that again.
I never told you...she tried to kill the cat I have when it was a kitten. She says she didn't know it was a kitten at the time, though. B.S. There was something under her house and she sprayed a can of RAID at it to try to kill it. It managed to get out and crawl up on her porch. We arrived there one Sunday and found it there that day, in the throes of death, and brought it home and managed to save it's life. She's 14 years old now and lives on my lap in the evenings. Somebody that hates cats isn't a nice person in my book, no matter who they are.
Nancy called me awhile ago. She has started her radiation treatments. They take only about 10 minutes each. She says there's nothing to it and she will be here "with bells on" Monday morning. She thinks she and I will be going to the Nursing home to get MIL released to the ambulance and brought home. I don't know what is going to happen. I'll just have to wait until Tuesday and then I'll know what really happened.
I do know one thing for sure, this nursing home is one of the finest there is. Their name is Heartland and I don't think I could praise them enough. They are the cleanest place I have ever seen, friendly, helpful, (like Walmart employees--they stop and pay attention to you right then if they can). There are beautiful pictures on every wall, they have entertainment rooms with windows you could see into with patients having a great time, sing alongs, movies, a lunchroom if "residents" wanted to go out to lunch, tvs that hung over the patient's bed instead of way off on the wall. The part for the critical residents is designed like a hospital, with good reason, and the rooms are large and visitors are welcome anytime. If the time finally comes and he deided to put her back into one again, she will go back there.
Nancy thought since I've had almost a month off, I should be well rested and fine to take care of MIL now. I said "wait a minute, Nancy. I will have had 17 days. That's not a month. I won't have been rested from taking care of her and I am, in fact, dreading it. I kind of got a tast of what life is all about again and I think I liked it. I'll be jailed once more with the click of a finger. I'm just not cut out to be a caregiver". I could hear "tsk tsk tsk" in the distance. Here we go again. She's bringing her attitude with her, I can see.
Nancy was in a rare good mood all day yesterday. It was actually pleasant to be here, but I still spent most of my day outside. Warm days won't be around forever and I intend to use up as many as I can the way I want to. She's not an outside person and I am. I need to mow grass today and it takes about 2 1/2 hours to do out yard. I'll enjoy every minute of it, too.
I think I'd like to leave the railings on the hospital bed down tonight, though. Let her climb out and fall and get it over with!.
Take care sweetie
JAD711